Hubby update

His surgery went fine. He had a large tear and some damage to the bone from them rubbing together due to the tear. They fixed it all. We are still at the hospital as he was numbed from the waste down so can't use his legs yet. Hopefully he will be home in his recliner soon. At this point he still has the IV. Thanks for the prayers.

And yes this has made RAD lift its ugly head. Bear is angry but not acting like he cares one bit what is going on with dad or me. He didn't ask about dad when I got home and when I told him dad's surgery went well he just changed the subject. Taz has been concerned but is acting out and called me a fool. Just have to remember that fear lies under it all.

Use Your Words

One of the phrases that has been very helpful to us is "Use your words." When our kids are acting out in anger. I ask them to look under the anger and see if they think it might be sadness or fear. Of course most of the time they say neither one but there are times when a look of realization comes across their face and something big comes out.

"I'm stronger than your fear." is another phrase. You can sub in anger or sadness for the word fear. When they are having a rage calmly saying these words can be very reassuring to them.

"I will love you know matter what." "I will never leave you." are obvious words but ones I am still reassuring them with almost 11 years later.

"I like hanging out with you." Very few people enjoy their company. They need to hear that.

"I believe you can do it." "I know you love me as best you can." "Everything is going to be OK."

Fill your word arsenal with positive loving affirmations.

"You are created in the image of God." "God has a purpose for your life." "You were created for a purpose." "I'm so glad God made me your mom."

Fill up their empty little hearts daily.

In case you are wondering I am in the hospital caf while my husband has surgery. He should be out in about a half hour. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Prayer Requests

Please pray for my husband who is having out patient surgery on his knee tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM.

Happy 17th Birthday!

Today is Bear and Fish's 17th birthday! It is all Bear has talked about for weeks. He is showing his emotional age. I actually like it when he does because it shows me where he is at. It is very tricky treating a 17 yo as though he were much younger. If he realizes what he is doing he is very offended. Anyway, we are off for a fun day and I'll post some pictures later!

Shake Your Sillies Out

Yesterday at the grocery store Eagle and I spotted this Dora cake on the day old rack. It was 40 per cent off of $5. I have not stopped to figure out exactly what that is but I think we got about a millions dollars worth of fun out of it. We took a variety of pictures with it. Bear was really uncomfortable with the whole thing. He laughed when we took pictures but he didn't really want to be part of it. I did get one of he and Fish with it but he is making his fingers into a gun and shooting Dora so I didn't post it. It was interesting to see how uncomfortable a little cake and family laughter could make him. As you can see Taz joined right in. Do something silly today! It is great for every ones mood!

I wanted to add that I think it is important during fun times to let everyone have fun in their own way. It is ok that Bear joined in in whatever way he was comfortable. He took the above photo. That was fun for him. He should not be forced or made to feel different. JUST HAVE FUN!

Bringing Home Your Adopted Child

Preparation for a new child is an exciting time for the parents and siblings. We decorate, we read up all the books on parenting and we tell everyone we know about it. I remember walking up to the door of the foster home where our boys lived and feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.

For them it is trauma. They are taken from yet another home; even if it is an orphanage, from their family; even if that family is other orphans. They leave their beds, their room, their schools, their friends. They are told these smiling strangers are their new parents. I cannot even imagine how scary that must be. If you add in RAD the fear must be through the roof. I remember at Dr. Bruce Perry's conference hearing him say that the fear kids with RAD live with is something like this. Imagine you are in a car going across tracks. Your car stalls on the tracks. You see the train coming closer, closer, you hear it. You know it is going to hit. Just as it is about to hit, someone hands you a book and says "Read me the Gettysburg Address." I'm guessing you couldn't if you wanted too.

There are some very helpful articles and blogs on preparation for your child to make this transition as easy as possible. I will include a few things I have written about our transition. The move is different for foreign and foster adoptions so I will include both.

First, Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, PhD has an excellent article on his Center for Family Development blog on bringing home a child from an orphanage.

Here is an article on what transition was like for us. Ours was a foster care adoption.

Parenting.com has an excellent article on Toddler transition in adoption. They also have an article on Transitioning Siblings.

This article on Transitions was adopted from Kinship House.

Finally on article on Transitions from Adoption.com.

I hope these articles are helpful. This is a stressful time for all. Having realistic expectations and understanding your child's trauma are helpful. Having knowledge is powerful.

Happy Father's Day

The above photo is of my grandpa. He is the one in the chair. He died when my dad was a child but I heard stories of him my entire childhood from my grandma.

This is my dad and his brothers. He had several sisters as well. After my grandpa died, when my dad was 7 (around the age of the photo don't you think?) my grandma raised all these children alone. There was a wide age span so some were adults and helped out I'm sure.

On my 1oth birthday (I think) I received a camera. Here is a photo I took of my mom and dad. Aren't they cute? My parents would have been in their mid 30s. My dad died of a brain tumor at age 47. I was 24 by that time so had a safe, loving childhood with my dad.

This is my mother and father in law. They have been my in-laws for 25 years and are great people. They are wonderful grandparents to our children.

This is my husband and our children long ago while we are on vacation in Arkansas. You can see our oldest was thrilled to be stuck an alligator farm. She was in middle school at the time.

I have a rich heritage of father history. I know where they were, what they did and that I was loved and protected. Our children with RAD did not have this. Depending on past relationships with men, they may or not may relate at all to the current father. Father's Day may be difficult for your child. It may not mean anything at all. If they are healing, it can show in how they treat dad today. Bear has decided to make this day about him and only wants to talk about his birthday next week. I told him today is for dad so I won't discuss his birthday today. Tomorrow we can plan. So go light on any expectations of the kids and focus on the men in your life. They deserve it. Happy Father's Day Dads!

Hurray for our kids!

Eagle~ went to her college and took an exam. She is so close to graduating we can all feel it!

Dancer~ Is working away at camp. We look forward to seeing her over the 4th

Fish~ Works so hard at his swimming. He is swimming in an 800 yd race today. Eeeek.

Bear~ Is making a card for his Dad for Father's Day without any prodding from me.

Taz~ Has been very affectionate.

Remember to search for the good in your child!

Grief and RAD

I am taking a class on Grief and Bereavement counseling. I am doing a lot of reading on grief. The similarities between the fear of RAD which is really a form of being stuck in grief and the feeling of being stuck in grieving have some definite similarities.

We went to the coffee shop and I talked with the boys about what I am learning about grief. That the only way out of the grief is to talk about the pain and fears. That when a person doesn't talk about it they stay stuck in it. All those feelings are in there. I told them that the only way they are going to be able to move on from their fears or sadness is to talk about them so that I can help and work through it together. Bear, who has not talked about his feelings for MONTHS, said "You never know whenever you go to school it could be the last time we see you." HUGE> HUGE> HUGE> So we talked about how this is really true of anyone. They are no longer little kids. They can now feed themselves. (food is a real emotional issue for them). Dad is there to take care of their needs so they would not leave. They'd still have their sisters. And we have hope of our home in heaven. They seemed to both be reassured. The book I'm reading is Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies, by J. William Worden.

7:56 and RAD has started

He has been up for 15 minutes and it has begun. He has broken his glasses. He has yelled. He is defiant. I will give him a few cool down moments and some reading time. We will begin again. The beauty of a day is you can start it over as many times as you want. The thing is....today is Thursday..I have class tonight. That means I was already expecting his fear of abandonment to show up today, an unwelcome guest. We will do some fun things today together. It will be hard but it will help. We will work on talking about the fear. He may do it. He may not. So begins another day with RAD.

Social skills and RAD

Taz is so calm today. It is becoming an obvious pattern. On the days when I have class he is an anxious wild mess. We really have to work on relieving this anxiety. In the past it has helped for him to do something for me while I was gone and I did something for him. We will have to try that tomorrow.

Anyway, this transition into high school youth group is not going smoothly. He is so insecure and is emotionally immature. We have tried role playing. We have talked about certain behaviors that are making things worse and are not getting anywhere. So here is the new plan. I don't know if it will work but, hey, it is worth a shot. We are going to back up. These deficits have always been there but have been more noticeable with each grade. So we are going back to some preschool age social skills. I'm getting out the play dough and we will talk. I will be very much focused on that age and communication without really pointing out that I am doing this. I think tomorrow we will go to the pool and spend some time in the pool playing together like this. Water color painting, finger painting and reading together. And we will work our way forward. I don't know if this will help. It can't hurt!

If any of you have had success in building social skills PLEASE share.

RAD Quiz

1. Your child says he loves you and gives you a stiff awkward hug. You assume he:

A) wants to be in control

B) needs practice hugging but does love as best he can

C) is trying to annoy you

2. Your child is angry when you discover he has eaten all of the ice cream bars in one sitting. This means she:

A) Has no conscience

B) Thinks she has every right

C) Is feeling guilty and so is acting out

3. After the family goes to a movie where you laugh and have a great time your RAD child is guaranteed to try to act out the whole way home.

A) He just can't get along with anyone

B) He is feeling anxious about the family closeness

C) Enjoys annoying everyone

4. Your child says every day that you are mean.

A) You are mean

B) He just doesn't want to do what he should

C) He is afraid of moms

5. Your child has huge hygiene issues and smells

A) She is inconsiderate

B) She just doesn't listen

C) She is trying to keep people away.

My point is this, if my first gut instinct is to read hateful thoughts into every word my child says, every action it is time to step back. For my kids the answers would be 1. B, 2. C, 3. B, 4. C and 5. C. Many of their actions are driven by fear. Can you imagine living in fear so much of the time? We need to sooth and calm them. When I start reading into their actions and thinking bad thoughts about them I parent poorly. Just think about it. OK?

I Need Africa More than Africa Needs Me

Hurray for our kids!

It has been a cloudy rainy month so far! Pretty weird for June. It hasn't felt much like summer and hasn't given us much chance to do summer activities. I hope we can start soon!

We've had some major ups and downs this week!

Eagle: Applied for over 90 jobs this week. Seriously.

Dancer: Is busy working and life guarding at camp.

Fish: Is competing in a swim meet this weekend

Bear: Applied for 3 jobs this week.

Taz: Has had some calmer moments in the alst two days and has decided he is going to do the task I chose to make up for climbing out his window. He is scrubbing grout. I told him it was his choice to make this up to me or not. We would be doing only "at home" activities though until he "felt the spirit move".

It is easy to be overwhelmed by the behavior of children with RAD. We can become focused on their anger. Look for the positives in their lives. It may take some real searching. Maybe the positives are tiny now. They will grow as they heal.

Guilt: The Perfume of Motherhood

Have you ever had someone walk by and thought"My goodness! Why are they wearing that horrible perfume?" We moms use stinky perfume often. It is called guilt. It smells terrible. We splash it liberally behind our ears, on our wrists. Sometimes we immerse our entire bodies in it!

So how about today if we stop and look at our parenting a little more objectively? Are you doing the best you can? You are going to make mistakes. There are days when you are tired. When you are wrong, apoligize to your child. If it was something you think needs confessing, then talk to God about it. Then move on. Forgive yourself.

You are doing a hard job. You are doing a great job. Sometimes nobody sees it. Sometimes no one acknowledges it. Other moms of RAD kids know. YOU ARE AMAZING! Splash a little of that on!

Window alarms are good too. Argh.

Last night I went to bed. As I lay there I hear Taz, whose room is directly under ours, making a lot of noise near his window. I opened the sliding glass door and leaned down to see his window wide open and lights on. He of course, immediately shut off the light. I ran down there to see him frantically trying to put the screen back on. Busted. There on the floor was a Weight Watchers ice cream bar. He had unlocked the sliding door in the dining room before going to bed so he could reenter there after going out his window.

Just when you think things are better.....I have not figured out exactly how I am handling this yet other than I will put tape on his window. I don't know if I have told you, if you don't have alarms and don't want all the neighbors awakened because your child WILL set them off, one small piece of tape across the closing will work too. You don't know right then but if the seal is broken in the moring someone has been out.

P.S. Oh good. He is angry and defiant this morning. N doubt a combinatin of guilt about what he did and anger for having been "found out". So now we deal on regulating the emotions first.

Look for little signs of attachment

We sing together with the radio.

I keep my Y I.D. card in a certain place and he has started laying his with mine.

I always look for the mourning doves in the highest place on walks. He now looks for them too.

He does things just because he knows I will like it.

He writes me love notes.

He says "Remember when..." and fondly remembers something we did together.

He lays his head on my shoulder in church.

Little things. Little signs of attachment. When you see them rejoice.

Nature vs Nurture

How much of our children's personality, intelligence, and mental health is genetic and how much is environmental? With our kids it is tough to say because most of them had an abusive or neglectful environment in the beginning. Some lived in it for several years. But the real question for us is "Can living in our homes change the outlook for their lives?" Really big question. Sometimes a haunting question. My kids are 14 and Bear will be 17 in about 3 weeks. And then here is Fish who lived in this same world, same genetics who is excelling at many things. Let's look at these 3 things, personality, intelligence and mental health one at a time.

Personality: We all have a basic make up of personality. I have taken the Meyer's Briggs personality test and am an introvert, intuitive, feeling, and perceptive. We could talk about personality and parenting for a week! The question today is "Is our personality genetic or environmental?" What do you think?

Intelligence: We have 5 children and run the gamut of ability in school. But what about our children's intelligence. Is it all genetic or has the environment played into it? Can we make a difference?

Mental Health: We have 3 children adopted from the foster care system. Two of them have some mental health issues. RAD is one of the issues but there are other problems as well. Are their mental health issues genetic or environmental? RAD would be environmental because it is caused by separation from mother during the first 3 years of life...but what about the others?

Thoughts?

Hurray for our Kids!

What a week! Taking three classes was not a great idea. If you decide to go back for a master's degree DON'T TAKE THREE CLASSES at once. Just sayin'

Hurray for our kids!

Eagle: Is doggie sitting to earn some extra money. She is expanding her job search to further out.

Dancer: Finisihed her week of training to work for a camp for the summer

Fish:Received straight A's on his last grade card.

Bear: Has been learning to hold his tongue.

Taz: Significantly raised his grades!

I hope you had a great week. If not, I hope you can see a little good in each family member!

Taz Time

Yesterday I had to leave at noon and would not be home until 11 pm. I made arrangements for Bear and Taz as they cannot be left home alone even though they are physically 14 and 16 yo. Emotionally they are much younger. It doesn't do much good to get frustrated about it. It is really where they are at and they need to be treated their emotional age so they can come forward. Taz was having a lot of anxious behaviors. He was yelling at siblings and me, running through the house making constant nonsensical chattering noises. I was upstairs fixing my hair in the bathroom. I called to Taz to come upstairs. I said "Taz I see you are nervous about me being gone so much. Everything is gong to be ok. I always come back. Sit down here near me for awhile." So he had time in. Time in is when they sit near me. It is calming to them and works much faster than a time out. He sat their for several minutes and I could visibly seeing him coming back to the planet. Sometimes our kids need the opposite of what our gut cries out for us to do. Sometimes it has to be a logical decision instead of an emotional one on our part. Yes. There are times I am aggravated because I am busy and do whatever is easiest. But I need to really work logically. He is anxious because I am leaving so needs to spend some time near me and be reassured. Makes perfect sense.

Psychology Alphabet

I don't know why each trade talks alphabet. It is like they assume the rest of us just know. For those of you who are new in the adoption world here is a break down of what the different terms and initials mean:

PhD: Mean they have a doctorate degree

Psychologist: Has PhD in Psychology and can diagnose, in Nebraska they supervise all mental health people who are not PhDs.

LCSW: Licensed Clinical Social Worker - In Nebraska they can do mental health counseling as well if licensed

LMHP: Licensed Mental Health Practitioner- Has a masters degree in social work or counseling, has a state license to practice mental health counseling. They sometimes have the name of their degree following. They sometimes shorten those to MS or MC depending on if it is social work or counseling.

PLMHP: Has completed their degree but has a Provisional license while they get in enough hours for their state and pass the state licensing exam.

LIMHP: Licensed Independent Mental Health Practitioner - Has the same as an LMHP but have the ability to diagnose, therefore can work independently of a psychologist

Counselor- technically the same as a therapist but the term is often used for school counselors or pastoral counseling which depending on the license may not include mental health counseling.

Therapist-In Nebraska is an LMHP. Works with people to work through issues that are interfering with their lives and sense of well being. Maybe a wide range from marital issues to serious mental health issues. Some specialize. This term is interchangeable with psychotherapist.

Psychiatrist- Is an actual medical doctor who prescribes psychiatric medications. Here they generally do very little, if any counseling.

Occupational therapist - help people who have conditions that are mentally, physically, developmentally, or emotionally disabling improve their ability to perform tasks in their daily living and working environments. They also help them develop, recover, or maintain daily living and work skills. This would include Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

Attachment Therapist - LMHP or Psychologist who has received training in attachment & trauma.

I hope that helps! Starting out it was all really confusing to me. Finding the right professional for your family is a lot of work but I feel it is worth it in the long run. Have a healing day!

How is your summer going?

We have mixed reviews at our house. Taz is slowly settling down and has fewer and fewer episodes of anger. Bear is escalating. I really think he needs a job. He will be 17 in a couple of weeks. I need to take him out again this afternoon to pick up applications again. We were told he had a summer job through a special program this summer but they ran out before they got to his application.

I do find keeping them busy and separated the key. Mine are old enough that I can drop one off at the library or the Y Pool or the WaterPark for a little while. Only one at each place though and not too often. We are on our way to the psychiatrist and then counseling today. It is always a draining kind of day but we just do it. Like Nike I guess.

Developing a Conscience

There are many ways to help our child walk through the process of conscience development. I have found several articles and will provide the link.

The first is FAS/E and Conscience Development by Teresa Kellerman.

Do the Right Thing by John Faull.

Teaching Kids to Develop Conscience by Ann Leedom.


RadKid.org has an excellent article about conscience development.

In our house hold spiritual development is important as well. There is a spiritual reason for our conscience development, an answering to God, a fulfillment of why He put us on this earth. We listen to Christian music often and the kids will sing along, we go to church where they hear they are loved and Divinely made. They are not an accident but a creation. Many of our children missed stages of conscience development because they were in crisis. When a child is in crisis they skip whole stages. If you can read through the article on RadKid and figure out where your child is in their development it gives a starting place. Then you can have a healing day!