This post is available at www.counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label Reactive Attachment Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reactive Attachment Disorder. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Creating a Wonderful Life
Please come see us at http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/this-evening-i-watched-its-wonderful.html to read this post!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Regulated, Dysregulated, Discombobulated
This article may be read at the new site
http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/regulated-dysregulated-discombobulated.html
http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/regulated-dysregulated-discombobulated.html
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Where is your focus?
This article is available at the new blog
http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/where-is-your-focus.html
http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/where-is-your-focus.html
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Living with RAD is MOVING!
I am joining the staff of the Counseling & Enrichment Center in creating a blog. I along with other therapist's who work with children with attachment and trauma issues will be sharing this blog. I hope you will come and check us out and become a "follower"!
http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/
http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
We all get tired
Thursday, June 9, 2011
My Young Adult Radling.
Fish and Teddy will be 19 this month. In Nebraska the age of majority is 19. So we are in transition time. Fish will be going away to college in another state. Teddy, however, is transitioning into independent living. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No stress. I'm working with 5 or so agencies and the list just keeps growing. He is going to get disability as an adult which will help. We are working with several agencies trying to get him a part time job. I do not know if this is possible and I do not know if he can stick with it if he gets one. As a young adult his mental health disorders have become so much more serious. I've learned more in the last year on transition than I thought possible. I'm working on finding him this wide variety of services in hopes of giving him a sufficient life as a young adult. Teddy has RAD. This means he still sees me as mean and untrustworthy. So he continues his "push mom away" behaviors in order to feel safe. Meanwhile he is stressed from the thought of living on his own. I assure him constantly that we will be right here. We are not going any where. We will be there to help and answer questions. We are not pushing him out of the nest and saying "Good luck". BUT he does not trust....So how can he believe this is true.
We are planning a family vacation later this summer. He is going. I have pointed out to him that we are inviting him along because we want him there. We do not have too any more. We could easily leave him at his home, which should be in place by then. But we WANT to take him along. This only makes him angry because he think I say this sort of thing to make him feel "bad". Strong emotions still go straight to sadness or fear. When I say "I want you there". He hears "You are so mean to me. You don't deserve it. You should feel bad."
RAD with a young adult child is a road we are just beginning. It will be difficult. It is what we do because we are parents who NEVER NEVER QUIT.
We are planning a family vacation later this summer. He is going. I have pointed out to him that we are inviting him along because we want him there. We do not have too any more. We could easily leave him at his home, which should be in place by then. But we WANT to take him along. This only makes him angry because he think I say this sort of thing to make him feel "bad". Strong emotions still go straight to sadness or fear. When I say "I want you there". He hears "You are so mean to me. You don't deserve it. You should feel bad."
RAD with a young adult child is a road we are just beginning. It will be difficult. It is what we do because we are parents who NEVER NEVER QUIT.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Why is he singing?
Taz has the habit of singing when he is upset. Years ago, I thought it was a sign of no conscience. He'd break something intentionally, take something or do some other thing upsetting and then start singing....I would be so upset at his lack of guilt feelings. One day I asked him why he was singing and he said he was trying to make himself feel better. Now I view the singing in a completely different light.
My point is not that Taz sings to make himself feel better. My point is about assumptions. Sometimes we think we know why a child is doing a certain behavior and assume the worst. Dig a little deeper. There may be something more pure under there.
Have a healing day!
My point is not that Taz sings to make himself feel better. My point is about assumptions. Sometimes we think we know why a child is doing a certain behavior and assume the worst. Dig a little deeper. There may be something more pure under there.
Have a healing day!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Where is the wisdom in that?
My boys, Fish and Teddy, that graduated on Sunday had their wisdom teeth removed today. They are doing fine. They are downstairs watching tv. RADlings have a difficult time letting anyone care for them when they are sick. Teddy lets the blood drip, coughs into my face and is non appreciative of anything I do to make him comfortable. It would be so very hard to be sore and hurting and not feel like anyone will help you or care for you. Tough to be his mom many days. Tougher to be him. His heart hurts worse than his mouth.
Monday, May 16, 2011
RAD grad
Ours sons Fish and Teddy have graduated. Their reactions are so different from one another. Fortunately for Teddy, Fish is very social. So their grad party was well attended by other high school kids. Makes me worry for Taz in a couple of years as he has no real friends, but there is still time for him to work that out. I took a lot of photos at graduation and also made a video of them getting their diploma. Fish's reaction was "those are neat mom. Thanks". Teddy, my child with RAD said "The video is fuzzy." and had no reaction to the photos. Now the rooky me would have been hurt that on his big day he still rejected me. I would never be good enough. But the experienced mom said "Yup. He has to keep his distance." I'm sure he liked them. He just can't say. Our kids love us as best they can. They really do.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
It's a marathon...a RAD marathon
I haven't been on for awhile, a wedding, a reception, and 3 graduations....and yes. These were all our own children. I've also been training for a 5k. No small feat for a non runner, athlete like myself. I did run the entire way in a 5k last weekend! I have another coming up in June and my goal is to start improving times. Don't even ask what the first one was. I'm not telling. Many people in Nebraska are training for a half Marathon in Lincoln. I see full Marathons are coming up. No way I'm interested in those at this point and I think 5k is where I'll stay.
BUT I am doing another kind of marathon, parenting children with RAD. We have had some big tough stuff this spring to deal with. Another major episode involving police this last weekend. It is exhausting. It is an emotional, physical marathon of sorts.
The other day Teddy was really acting out verbally towards me. In the midst of this he said "I need new shoes." Not surprising as children with RAD have little cause and effect thinking and tons of entitlement issues. I said "I don't feel like buying them right now while you are talking to me this way. They are not in that bad of shape anyway." He actually said OUT LOUD "I will rip them up and wear them to school and tell people that you will not buy me new ones. Then they will all feel sorry for me for having a mom like you." Oh my goodness does that speak volumes....
This brings me back to the point...What does a marathon runner do to prepare for the marathon?
Find other runners, clubs, places to train...in other words...seeks support.
Train....We read, go to workshops, read some more, and find other parents who can share and lift us up.
Eat healthy....this one is often overlooked by moms and we can become emotional eaters and start packing on the weight. Eat healthy, low fat foods and you will have more energy, be physically stronger and when your blood sugar stopping swinging from all those bad carbs you will have less moodiness. Would a marathon runner do well on your diet? Well, not on mine either, but it is improving all the time.
Exercise....Of course a marathon runner gets tons of exercise besides running. For parents, exercise produces endorphins. Endorphins produce of feeling of well being. I have always heard of "runner's high" and once you get used to running there really is that great feeling at the end. You don't have to run though. Getting outside and breathing deep (which sends more oxygen to your brain) by walking is great too. I have some little dumbbells from Target in my bedroom and I use those. I have exercise DVDs. It does not have to be an expensive gym membership.
Spiritually....Draw strength from your relationship with God. Nurture it because as with any relationship there must be time spent with God in order for the relationship to strengthen. He will see you through. Not just trite words.
It's a marathon.. We are running it together! You are not alone.
BUT I am doing another kind of marathon, parenting children with RAD. We have had some big tough stuff this spring to deal with. Another major episode involving police this last weekend. It is exhausting. It is an emotional, physical marathon of sorts.
The other day Teddy was really acting out verbally towards me. In the midst of this he said "I need new shoes." Not surprising as children with RAD have little cause and effect thinking and tons of entitlement issues. I said "I don't feel like buying them right now while you are talking to me this way. They are not in that bad of shape anyway." He actually said OUT LOUD "I will rip them up and wear them to school and tell people that you will not buy me new ones. Then they will all feel sorry for me for having a mom like you." Oh my goodness does that speak volumes....
This brings me back to the point...What does a marathon runner do to prepare for the marathon?
Find other runners, clubs, places to train...in other words...seeks support.
Train....We read, go to workshops, read some more, and find other parents who can share and lift us up.
Eat healthy....this one is often overlooked by moms and we can become emotional eaters and start packing on the weight. Eat healthy, low fat foods and you will have more energy, be physically stronger and when your blood sugar stopping swinging from all those bad carbs you will have less moodiness. Would a marathon runner do well on your diet? Well, not on mine either, but it is improving all the time.
Exercise....Of course a marathon runner gets tons of exercise besides running. For parents, exercise produces endorphins. Endorphins produce of feeling of well being. I have always heard of "runner's high" and once you get used to running there really is that great feeling at the end. You don't have to run though. Getting outside and breathing deep (which sends more oxygen to your brain) by walking is great too. I have some little dumbbells from Target in my bedroom and I use those. I have exercise DVDs. It does not have to be an expensive gym membership.
Spiritually....Draw strength from your relationship with God. Nurture it because as with any relationship there must be time spent with God in order for the relationship to strengthen. He will see you through. Not just trite words.
It's a marathon.. We are running it together! You are not alone.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My child refuses to eat healthy food
I've figured out the art of hiding veggies. The key is to pick veggies that blend in color wise with what you are preparing. If your kids like mac n cheese? Easy peasy. I switched to whole wheat pasta, low fat cheese and when I make the cheese sauce, I pour it in the chopper with some cooked cauliflower. NO ONE COULD TELL. Toss some bread crumbs in a little butter and sprinkle on top and put it in the oven until crunch. In any spaghetti sauce I mix fresh spinach, fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions. Put them in the chopper until they become liquid. The only complaint I have about the chopper is that it is a little small so I sometimes have to do more batches, but it is only around $30 and you can't beat that. It is well made. Any food that contains sauce can also contain hidden vegetables!
There are some benefits besides the nutrients he is now getting. ALL of us are getting the added nutrition, not just Taz. He himself says "Wow this is really good" every time I do it. It makes the food more flavorful. It is giving him some taste for these veggies so as an adult, he may taste them and say "This reminds me of something".
Never, never, never quit! If what you are doing doesn't work....stop doing it...and do something else. If you don't know what to do. Ask a mom on here. Email me at radmoms@hotmail.com If I don't know I will find someone who does. We are in this together ladies.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Are You Feeling Low?
A group of RADical moms just met together in Orlando. I was not one of them. Boo. I sense an over all theme of "You Are Not Alone". This really struck a cord with me because there were so many times when I felt so completely alone in raising my children with RAD. It felt like no one person truly understood what was happening with them. I did not know what to do or where to turn. As I looked at Gala's photo:
I thought "Wow it is so great not to feel that way any more." It seems like long ago....
So what took me from that place of despondency to where I am now? A lot of work on ME. Yes. I have continued to work with boys who are not teens and almost grown up, but mainly I had to change me. I know none of us want to hear that.
Seek out support. Find people who understand. If you can't find any.... make some new friends. That doesn't mean you ditch the old ones, unless they are really destructive for you. It means you add on friends...Seek out foster families. Ask around at school and church and see if anyone knows of any. Just say something like "Do you know of any foster families? I have a few questions." You dont' have to sob "I'm so lonely. Find me a friend." Even if it is what you feel. I just started an adoption support group at our church.We have 12 families already. We have our first meeting this Sunday during the Sunday School hour. That way there is a place for our kids to go. It meets once a month. This week a parent is going to talk about becoming an interracial family. Next month we have a speaker coming to talk about his company and how it helps families find services.
Take care of yourself: In many ways RAD takes a toll on you in the same way a serious illness takes a toll on a parent. You becomes exhausted and depleted if you are not careful.
Exercise. If you can't leave your kids, there was a time when I would lift hand weight during commercials and run in place during a TV show. Get moving. You might be surprised how much better you feel. If you have a Y membership take your kids with you and get them moving. It is good for them to expend energy. They may have to stay in the same room with you. If so, take them to the gym and shoot hoops or run around the outside of it. I am in week 8 of the http://www.c25kcom/ and feel REALLY GOOD. If you feel like a slug chances are you need to get moving AND
Eating: Cut out the refined carbs. I have gone semi organic. I do still have the occasional Diet Coke. Which I know is acid. I'm working on it. I've never been more than a one a dayer, but have cut back to 2 or 3 a week. I am cooking more with fresh produce and only lean meat sparingly and have lost 10 lb. Great! Only 19 more to go. Ugh. But I will not give up. Even the loss of 10 makes me feel so much better.
Pray: How is your spiritual life? I'm not going to tell you what to believe, but I will tell you I get great strength from my relationship with God. I spend quiet time each day reading the Bible and praying. Prayer changes things. It is not just a slogan.
Love: Love on those kids. They will react in fear. Do no give up. Healing is possible. We found a great amount of help with an attachment therapist/EMDR therapist combination. Our insurance and Medicaid were willing to pay for both at the same time! If that is not a possibility for you, read yourself silly. There is so much great info out there. I am a big fan of http://www.center4familydevelop.com/ stuff.
Blogs: There are many great blogs out there by moms. Find someone you connect with and communicate with them through comments or email.
Never, never, never quit. You've got this.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Ghost of Mornings Past
Those nasty mornings have been coming back for Taz as of late.
First step. Stop and evaluate my reactions to see if they are making things worse... possibly...
Review:
Don't argue with him.
Empathize with how difficult mornings are:
Ask him during a good time how we might work together to make mornings better.
Then refuse to get involved in a negative way.
Don't nag. Don't preach. Let some things go and focus on the attachment not the little trivial stuff.
Second step. Look at his stage of development and see if there is some new thing going on. He turned 16 and wants to drive. We are working on that. While he wants to I think the idea is also frightening to him so he is sabotaging. He doesn't think he can handle it. PLUS in the fall his twin brothers will be leaving him at home as the only child. He laughs and says he loves it...does he really?
Use Dr. Becker-Weidmann's PLACE
Playful: get them out of the fight/flight/fright place he has gone back to in the mornings
Love: Give him a hug and say good morning in a loving way and remember to react out of love, not defensiveness
Attunement: Understand where his morning frustration and anger are coming from,
Curious: "I wonder" statements followed by "Oh I'm sorry" if it offends him but remain curious
Empathy: It is tough in the mornings (trust me I get this one). I know you don't like how things are going and we can work together on it. It will be all right.
If some part of your day has gone haywire and used to go pretty well. Stop and reevaluate. You can get things back on track again!
First step. Stop and evaluate my reactions to see if they are making things worse... possibly...
Review:
Don't argue with him.
Empathize with how difficult mornings are:
Ask him during a good time how we might work together to make mornings better.
Then refuse to get involved in a negative way.
Don't nag. Don't preach. Let some things go and focus on the attachment not the little trivial stuff.
Second step. Look at his stage of development and see if there is some new thing going on. He turned 16 and wants to drive. We are working on that. While he wants to I think the idea is also frightening to him so he is sabotaging. He doesn't think he can handle it. PLUS in the fall his twin brothers will be leaving him at home as the only child. He laughs and says he loves it...does he really?
Use Dr. Becker-Weidmann's PLACE
Playful: get them out of the fight/flight/fright place he has gone back to in the mornings
Love: Give him a hug and say good morning in a loving way and remember to react out of love, not defensiveness
Attunement: Understand where his morning frustration and anger are coming from,
Curious: "I wonder" statements followed by "Oh I'm sorry" if it offends him but remain curious
Empathy: It is tough in the mornings (trust me I get this one). I know you don't like how things are going and we can work together on it. It will be all right.
If some part of your day has gone haywire and used to go pretty well. Stop and reevaluate. You can get things back on track again!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Love Letters
I am working on scrapbooks for my twin senior boys, Fish and Teddy. I am sorting through old photos. While doing so I came across three letters, one to each boy. I wrote them 3 hours before I met them. I completely forgot I ever wrote them. I gave them to them and stood by them as they read them. They were each touched, even Teddy in his own way. I have to admit to being a little weepy.
If you've never done it, stop and write a love letter to your kids right now. Express how you feel, how you will be with them always and that you will help them achieve their hopes and dreams. Then fold it up and put it away until they are in high school. It meant something different to each child because they are each in such a different place emotionally. Teddy asked me to put it into his scrapbook because he wants everyone to see it. He wants people to know he has a mom who loves him.
Have a healing, loving day.
If you've never done it, stop and write a love letter to your kids right now. Express how you feel, how you will be with them always and that you will help them achieve their hopes and dreams. Then fold it up and put it away until they are in high school. It meant something different to each child because they are each in such a different place emotionally. Teddy asked me to put it into his scrapbook because he wants everyone to see it. He wants people to know he has a mom who loves him.
Have a healing, loving day.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Turn Your Shower Into a Spa- Really is Amazing!
http://www.parenting.com/article/turn-your-shower-into-a-spa-21354975
I read this in a magazine in a waiting room the other day. I tried it last night and it is sooooooooooo relaxing. Make sure you do it fairly close to bedtime because you won't get anything done afterwards. You'll be to mellow!
I read this in a magazine in a waiting room the other day. I tried it last night and it is sooooooooooo relaxing. Make sure you do it fairly close to bedtime because you won't get anything done afterwards. You'll be to mellow!
Siblings and that trauma bond
You know. THAT trauma bond. Ugh. When certain siblings remind the other of their past and all things bad, or perhaps they have just transferred much of their fear and sadness into blaming that one sibling. I actually think it may be worse than the anger they have shown to me. So how to deal with this. And it must be dealt with because physical harm and property damage happens if it is not watched carefully.
Here are some of the things we have tried. Keep in mind we change things up often because nothing works forever.
They cannot be in the same room if an adult is not present. So if Taz walks in and Teddy is the only one there, he is to turn and walk out. Does it always happen? NO. They seek each other out intentionally when they want to fight with someone. And why do they want to fight? Because sadness, fear, frustration, fatigue all turn into anger. It has happened for years. We work on it daily.
They are not to speak negatively of the other person to me. "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is a phrase used often.
Have them think of two things they like about the other person every time they say a negative. They really don't like that one and often it nips the negative comments because they don't want to say anything nice about the other.
Keep activities that involve both kids short and really fun. A going for a "nature walk" and going out for a treat are two of the best activities we have done with our sons. When you are walking everyone is heading in the same direction (sort of) they can stop and explore around the lake. Sometimes we take the camera and look for things that would make neat photos.It burns off energy. If there are any problems I just say I have to be in the middle! When we go out for a treat, they are never sitting across from each other (kicking under table) or next to each other (elbows fly). These activities can be fun.
Refuse to get caught up in the drama. Just say "This has nothing to do with me. I hope you two can work it out". That takes a lot of the fun out of it for them as they really want mom to step in and escalate things. De-escalation is an art form but it is not that tough if you just stay calm, use a calm voice and remember if it is not important just refuse to get involved.
A conversation can go like this:
Teddy: I hate Taz. He is a jerk
Me: I love Taz and I don't want to hear negative things about him
Teddy: That's because you don't know him and you don't know what he is really like.
Me: Brothers sometimes fight, but I'm his mom. I love him and I don't want to talk bad about him and you shouldn't either. It is not what families do. We are loyal.
Teddy then may go into shame, rather than guilt and hang his head and say sadly "Yesss."
Me: Remember, I am not saying you are bad. I do not think you are bad.Don't feel it in your heart. Put it back up into your head and just think "Yes. I shouldn't talk like that about family." And then go on your way!
Easy peasy.
It will be interesting to see how this trauma bond changes as they become adults. Teddy is 18 and Taz is 16 so that isn't too far away. I hope they can mend some fences, but if not, they won't have to live in the same house, which may make life much easier for both.
Here are some of the things we have tried. Keep in mind we change things up often because nothing works forever.
They cannot be in the same room if an adult is not present. So if Taz walks in and Teddy is the only one there, he is to turn and walk out. Does it always happen? NO. They seek each other out intentionally when they want to fight with someone. And why do they want to fight? Because sadness, fear, frustration, fatigue all turn into anger. It has happened for years. We work on it daily.
They are not to speak negatively of the other person to me. "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is a phrase used often.
Have them think of two things they like about the other person every time they say a negative. They really don't like that one and often it nips the negative comments because they don't want to say anything nice about the other.
Keep activities that involve both kids short and really fun. A going for a "nature walk" and going out for a treat are two of the best activities we have done with our sons. When you are walking everyone is heading in the same direction (sort of) they can stop and explore around the lake. Sometimes we take the camera and look for things that would make neat photos.It burns off energy. If there are any problems I just say I have to be in the middle! When we go out for a treat, they are never sitting across from each other (kicking under table) or next to each other (elbows fly). These activities can be fun.
Refuse to get caught up in the drama. Just say "This has nothing to do with me. I hope you two can work it out". That takes a lot of the fun out of it for them as they really want mom to step in and escalate things. De-escalation is an art form but it is not that tough if you just stay calm, use a calm voice and remember if it is not important just refuse to get involved.
A conversation can go like this:
Teddy: I hate Taz. He is a jerk
Me: I love Taz and I don't want to hear negative things about him
Teddy: That's because you don't know him and you don't know what he is really like.
Me: Brothers sometimes fight, but I'm his mom. I love him and I don't want to talk bad about him and you shouldn't either. It is not what families do. We are loyal.
Teddy then may go into shame, rather than guilt and hang his head and say sadly "Yesss."
Me: Remember, I am not saying you are bad. I do not think you are bad.Don't feel it in your heart. Put it back up into your head and just think "Yes. I shouldn't talk like that about family." And then go on your way!
Easy peasy.
It will be interesting to see how this trauma bond changes as they become adults. Teddy is 18 and Taz is 16 so that isn't too far away. I hope they can mend some fences, but if not, they won't have to live in the same house, which may make life much easier for both.
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