A day that celebrates Mothers. How odd to the traumatized child who has been abused or abandoned to celebrate these scary people. Mother's Day used to leave me shaken. It was the day I could expect my boys with RAD to act out more than any other day of the year. It was the day I ended feeling unloved and exhausted.
Not any more.
Here is what I do. Make Mother's Day about my mother and mother in law. It is the day I focus on being thankful for the mother I have. I talk about it with my boys and make sure they know I am thinking of her. Keep it low key. It doesn't need to be a big production.
Do something fun. If they cannot handle it, leave them with your husband and go with the kids who can. If you do this be very careful in your delivery. It is needs to be a loving "You are acting scared today and need to stay safely home with dad. I understand this is a tough day for you and I'm not going to push you to do things you are uncomfortable with." NOT "You are not behaving so you can't go."
Plant a bush or flower in honor of a mother who hs died. Talk about how special she was and remember the good times.
Go for an hour or so for some time alone. Go to a movie, a pedicure, or just a long walk through a pretty park. One of my favorites is a coffee shop with a newspaper or magazine.
We do not have to have tradition Mother's Days if it is not the right fit for our family. Make it your own way that works for you. We have traumatized kids. They cannot suddenly be untraumatized because we want things a certain way.
Have a healing day!
Showing posts with label Mother's Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mother's Day. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Happy Celebrate our Abuse and Trauma Day!!
Every year I dread Mother's Day. In fact if you look back you will see I have written a post similar to this before approximately one year ago. I thought about just posting the same one again but I thought I should be so much more mature after another year of parenting children with RAD my post would be better................uh oh........
Several things to remember if Mother's Day blows up:
1) Don't take it personally. Plan ahead on it being a tough day and then if it is good, well nice surprise! : )
2) I imagine to them it is like celebrating all their past abuse and trauma. Acknowledge that and let them know you understand they are hurting and reminded of their past by this day.
3)Where is birth mom now and why didn't she want me? There are a variety of ways our children were taken from their homes. There are birth mom's who give up the rights to their children out of love and hope for them. Many of our children were removed by the state because of abuse and neglect or abandoned by the roadside in a foreign country. I also wonder about birth mom and how she is doing on Mother's Day. Talk about that and possibly say a prayer together for her.
4)Take the focus off of the whole Mom thing and just do some fun activities at the park or watch a DVD together.
Ways to be proactive:
1) Don't make a huge deal out of the day if it is hard for your kids.
2) Plan a day away from home without the kids. You can even plan a day away by yourself if need be: shopping, at a spa, visiting a friend or go visit your mom.
3) Don't talk about Mother's Day far in advance. Wait until the day of, and then let other's bring it up.
4)Tell them up front: "I know today is a hard day for you (if they have demonstrated this in the past). It is OK. If you need to talk about it I'm here for you. I'm so glad I'm your mom and today I am just going to be happy about that and I'll take care of your hurting."
5) Focus on your own mom and mother-in-law! Make it about them.
Oh...and Happy Mother's Day. You are extraordinary.
Several things to remember if Mother's Day blows up:
1) Don't take it personally. Plan ahead on it being a tough day and then if it is good, well nice surprise! : )
2) I imagine to them it is like celebrating all their past abuse and trauma. Acknowledge that and let them know you understand they are hurting and reminded of their past by this day.
3)Where is birth mom now and why didn't she want me? There are a variety of ways our children were taken from their homes. There are birth mom's who give up the rights to their children out of love and hope for them. Many of our children were removed by the state because of abuse and neglect or abandoned by the roadside in a foreign country. I also wonder about birth mom and how she is doing on Mother's Day. Talk about that and possibly say a prayer together for her.
4)Take the focus off of the whole Mom thing and just do some fun activities at the park or watch a DVD together.
Ways to be proactive:
1) Don't make a huge deal out of the day if it is hard for your kids.
2) Plan a day away from home without the kids. You can even plan a day away by yourself if need be: shopping, at a spa, visiting a friend or go visit your mom.
3) Don't talk about Mother's Day far in advance. Wait until the day of, and then let other's bring it up.
4)Tell them up front: "I know today is a hard day for you (if they have demonstrated this in the past). It is OK. If you need to talk about it I'm here for you. I'm so glad I'm your mom and today I am just going to be happy about that and I'll take care of your hurting."
5) Focus on your own mom and mother-in-law! Make it about them.
Oh...and Happy Mother's Day. You are extraordinary.
Monday, May 12, 2008
It is Over
I made it through another Mother's Day. Whew. I will say only one boy child picked on me this year instead of 2. That is an improvement. The look in his eyes yesterday was one of pure hatred. My family was great with my boys especially my brother's in law. I appreciate them so much. One took the 2 of them with him out to clean up limbs while he cut up some fallen branches from a storm. One son wanted to quit and he refused to let him until it was all done and they could all go in together. The other son interrupted a conversation between my 2 brother's in law and my brother in law explained that you just don't do that. In the real world it will never fly so don't do it now and don't do it to him. Firm but kind. There were numerous other incidents. We sat down to eat dinner in my mother's family room in chairs in kind of a U shape. Some of the teens sat on the floor and used the coffee table. My older son with RAD sat in the center opening of the U at the top facing away from everyone. How bazaar is that? I would never dream of sitting in a room full of people (especially family) and sit with my back to them all. Oh well. It is over. It is hard to not take things personally isn't it? I need to just move back into therapeutic mode this morning. Think of touching, eye contact and connecting with him emotionally. Forget about yesterday and move on. Bren I was so happy to hear about your positive day yesterday. As long as they are breathing there is hope!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Happy Mother's Day
I recommended reading Nancy Thomas' article on Mother's Day earlier in this post Mother's Day It is a tough day in our house hold every year. It brings them up so much sadness, so much shame for not being with their birth mom and so much confusion in their minds. There are some ways to make the most of the day. Focus on your own mother if you can. We are going to visit mine for the weekend. Focus on the other women in your lives and on your healthy children. Enjoy time with your husband. Don't let this weekend become about RAD. Don't set high expectations or feel they have "ruined your day". In fact, if it is generally bad enough I'd ask my family to lay low and find other ways of celebrating Motherhood. Going out one on one with family members, planting flowers together or eating out with out drawing attention to why you are there. If you go into this expecting to much you will be hurt and disappointed. Lay low and Happy Mother's Day from me. Thank you for what you do for your child. Thank you for searching out resources, support and help and the creative ways you parent this child. I think you are awesome moms fighting for the very lives of your children. They are blessed to have you whether they know it or not. God knows.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Moms
Most of us feel like we have to be Super Mom. There is no such person. Forget about her. Mother's Day is coming, the holiday many mother's of RAD children dread above all others. The day your children are the most angry, most resentful, the most sad. In fact, Nancy Thomas has written an article entitled Surviving Mother's Day. http://attachment.org/pages_parents_articles16.php I seemed to have talked to so many discouraged mother's lately. Mothering a child with RAD actually can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Here are the symptoms as listed by Wikepedia.
"Difficulties regulating emotions, including symptoms such as persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or covert anger, which is characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior
Variations in consciousness, such as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes of dissociation (during which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body)
Changes in self-perception, such as a sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings
Varied changes in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator or becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge
Alterations in relations with others, including isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer
Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair "
Variations in consciousness, such as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes of dissociation (during which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body)
Changes in self-perception, such as a sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings
Varied changes in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator or becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge
Alterations in relations with others, including isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer
Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair "
If this sounds like you, please seek professional help immediately. Parenting a child with RAD is difficult for even the very best mother. It is not a sign of weakness in you or that you have inferior mothering skills. It is a sign your child has severe emotional issues in need of treatment. This may also set off emotional issues in mom causing us to need treatment too. I know I talk often of taking care of yourself. Professional therapy is important for mom's too. Do not hesitate to seek it out.
Much love and hugs,
Brenda
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