Siblings and that trauma bond

You know. THAT trauma bond. Ugh. When certain siblings remind the other of their past and all things bad, or perhaps they have just transferred much of their fear and sadness into blaming that one sibling. I actually think it may be worse than the anger they have shown to me.  So how to deal with this. And it must be dealt with because physical harm and property damage happens if it is not watched carefully.

Here are some of the things we have tried. Keep in mind we change things up often because nothing works forever.

They cannot be in the same room if an adult is not present. So if Taz walks in and Teddy is the only one there, he is to turn and walk out. Does it always happen? NO. They seek each other out intentionally when they want to fight with someone.  And why do they want to fight? Because sadness, fear, frustration, fatigue all turn into anger. It has happened for years. We work on it daily.

They are not to speak negatively of the other person to me. "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is a phrase used often.

Have them think of two things they like about the other person every time they say a negative. They really don't like that one and often it nips the negative comments because they don't want to say anything nice about the other.

Keep activities that involve both kids short and really fun. A going for a "nature walk" and going out for a treat are two of the best activities we have done with our sons. When you are walking everyone is heading in the same direction (sort of) they can stop and explore around the lake. Sometimes we take the camera and look for things that would make neat photos.It burns off energy. If there are any problems I just say I have to be in the middle! When we go out for a treat, they are never sitting across from each other (kicking under table) or next to each other (elbows fly). These activities can be fun.

Refuse to get caught up in the drama. Just say "This has nothing to do with me. I hope you two can work it out".  That takes a lot of the fun out of it for them as they really want mom to step in and escalate things. De-escalation is an art form but it is not that tough if you just stay calm, use a calm voice and remember if it is not important just refuse to get involved.

A conversation can go like this:

Teddy: I hate Taz. He is a jerk
Me: I love Taz and I don't want to hear negative things about him
Teddy: That's because you don't know him and you don't know what he is really like.
Me: Brothers sometimes fight, but I'm his mom. I love him and I don't want to talk bad about him and you shouldn't either. It is not what families do. We are loyal.
Teddy then may go into shame, rather than guilt and hang his head and say sadly "Yesss."
Me: Remember, I am not saying you are bad. I do not think you are bad.Don't feel it in your heart. Put it back up into your head and just think "Yes. I shouldn't talk like that about family." And then go on your way!

Easy peasy.

It will be interesting to see how this trauma bond changes as they become adults. Teddy is 18 and Taz is 16 so that isn't too far away. I hope they can mend some fences, but if not, they won't have to live in the same house, which may make life much easier for both.

RADs effect on siblings

We have worked so hard on trying to be good parents to all 5 of our kids. I'm sure each of you do the same for yours. When our little ones first came I took the girls out alone after the little boys were in bed for some "girl time". I'd sometimes let them vent about their frustrations of suddenly having 3 little brothers. Sometimes we'd just go do something and not talk about it at all. As the years have gone by our girls have had to put up with a lot.

There were times when the boys demanded all of our time and strength. There were times when I had no emotional strength left to give our girls. They have put up with listening to 2 of the boys verbally and emotional abuse their mom, destroy many things in the home and embarrass them in front of friends. They have not had people over because they didn't want them to hear the boy's raging. They themselves have been personally attacked through stealing, being yelled at or lied too.

There have been so many times I've wondered if I damaged our girls and let them down.

So tonight I asked. Dancer and in her kind and gracious way she replied that "no, mom...it has been good." They have learned the world is bigger than themselves, that the monetary things don't make them happy, and that they can make a difference. She is going to be a jr in college and is looking for a job working with kids. She wants to help people.

I'm so blessed.

Siblings with RAD

I come back to this now and then because it is SUCH an issue in our home. Our youngest has had some major strides in his attachment with me. He still has some RAD issues and regressions but is not the same person he was a year ago. Unless his brother walks in the room. He completely goes back to the RAD behaviors. They physically become aggressive. Their words are angry and hateful. They are jealous, petty and mean when they are together. They have a bond founded on trauma. It is like they are re traumatized when they are together. Nancy Thomas told me to keep them apart. I work hard to do this. They work hard to be together. Do any of you have siblings with RAD? Can you share your experience with this. Any insights? I would LOVE to hear them.

Siblings with RAD

I am still waiting for permission on the other stories. I think I told you my youngest sons regression was stirred up mainly by jealousy over the time I was spending with our other son who has RAD. So on Friday I took youngest son to Starbucks and sat and played Chinese checkers. He loves their hot chocolate. We had a great time. OTHER son was enraged. He made me pay for spending this time with youngest son all weekend. Tonight is the older sons turn. I assume youngest son will be jealous and make me pay until his turn. Siblings with RAD are very difficult. It is generally considered by most professionals a mistake to put them in the same home. We did not know 2 of our sons had RAD when we adopted our 3 boys. They were a sibling group and came at once. They have a trauma bond. The thing they have most in common is trauma from their past. So they remind each other of the bad things. I keep them apart as much as possible. They are not allowed to play alone together. Not even eat alone together. I do believe they make it harder for each other to heal. Now that I see this pattern developing I will tell them "It is ****'s turn to have time with mom. I understand this is very difficult for you and makes you sad. So when we get home I want you to take it out on me and be angry about it. Then I will take you out for your turn in a couple of days." They will say "NO NO NO I don't do that." And it will probably stop. Make the defiance work for you. It will be interesting to see what happens between them when they are adults.