Lines and Circles

Oh me. Oh my. What a day.....

It starts last night with:

Taz tells me he has a 15 minute detention after school because a sub thought he was annoying....I'm afraid to ask.

Bear walks out while Taz is telling me this and says that he had an office referral because a teacher thinks he called her a name.

This morning the phone rings and it is the assistant principal. Bear is suspended for the day for calling the teacher the B word. I receive an email from the teacher and it really was an afternoon of H-E Double hockey sticks for her with his behavior.

I have homework due Monday. A big midterm on Weds. Taz has a swim meet on Saturday. I have company coming for the day on Sunday. Nooooo problem. Clean house, make menu, do homework, study for exam, deal with Bear all day.

Normally if one of the boys is suspended I send them to pull weeds or rake leaves all day. I have so much to do I just do not have time to deal. So I have been making him sit on his bed. I did clean out the fridge and the Tupperware was mighty stinky so he is downstairs washing it by hand as we "speak".

We learned some things in Marriage & Family I have put to good use with him. He has what is called Linear Thinking.

Like when the child rolls the ball, he feels other people actions cause his reaction. End of story. "They make me mad and when they make me mad I explode." This makes complete sense to him.

Our interactions with people are actually circular. They act. We react. They react. We react. So when he argues, they give a consequence. He thinks the consequence is unfair so he yells. They feel frustrated so try so come up with a new consequence. It goes in a circle with each leading to a reaction from the other.

This gives the picture that he has power. He is very much victimized in his thinking. He reacts as though life just happens to him. Circular thinking shows that it is all interactions. He effects others. They effect him. How he reacts then effects them again.

Telling him this story once will not change things. Talking it through and what the circle that he just experienced looked like and that he has power to change may.

Taz Time

Yesterday I had to leave at noon and would not be home until 11 pm. I made arrangements for Bear and Taz as they cannot be left home alone even though they are physically 14 and 16 yo. Emotionally they are much younger. It doesn't do much good to get frustrated about it. It is really where they are at and they need to be treated their emotional age so they can come forward. Taz was having a lot of anxious behaviors. He was yelling at siblings and me, running through the house making constant nonsensical chattering noises. I was upstairs fixing my hair in the bathroom. I called to Taz to come upstairs. I said "Taz I see you are nervous about me being gone so much. Everything is gong to be ok. I always come back. Sit down here near me for awhile." So he had time in. Time in is when they sit near me. It is calming to them and works much faster than a time out. He sat their for several minutes and I could visibly seeing him coming back to the planet. Sometimes our kids need the opposite of what our gut cries out for us to do. Sometimes it has to be a logical decision instead of an emotional one on our part. Yes. There are times I am aggravated because I am busy and do whatever is easiest. But I need to really work logically. He is anxious because I am leaving so needs to spend some time near me and be reassured. Makes perfect sense.

Nonsense

State swim champions! Fish is second from left.

Me & Eagle

We had the state swim meet yesterday. Our son, Fish, was 3rd in the 500 yd freestyle and 4th in the 200 yd freestyle. Pretty good for a sophmore. We are excited about his hard working paying off. He is a great kid and we are even more excited about that. Taz actually did pretty well. We all stopped at Olive Garden for dinner and ate with the team. I obviously need to use cloth napkins at home once in awhile. Taz immediately spread his out and used it for a place mat. Bear asked if we were going to take them home or leave them there. Which takes me to the whole playing dumb line of thought. There was a lot of nonstop nonsense chatter on Bear's part. Statements while we are at the restaurant like "We're in luck. The swim team is eating here too." "There's a TV camera". "Look the swim meet is on TV" (out in the hall). All things obviously we can all see and know. Do they do these things on purpose? I think sometimes their brains are so on overload and they are so caught up in the danger of every place that they actually miss a lot of what is going on around them. So they don't think these things through but just blurt it out as they notice it. I often say that Bear says out loud the things we think. If you think about driving down the road and the thoughts you have, his are all verbalized. "Look at that sign." "A green car" "25 degrees". I point out to them sometimes that this is what is happening. We all have those thoughts but we learn the self control not to say them all out loud. They need practice. They need understanding. We also have to be careful not to read manipulation and control into every action. Parenting a child with RAD is such hard work. But then you know that. Have a healing day!

Snow Day

It is just beginning to snow but we already have a snow day. There is a monster snow storm headed our way. Snow days are a great attachment day! The kids are in a great mood and excited about going out in the snow. Sneaking in hot chocolate with marshmellows, making some popcorn and watching a funny video, looking through old photos, snuggling on the couch to read a book. These are all great ways to spend some time together on a surprise fun kind of day! If you are snowed in - HAVE FUN together! They may try to sabatoge but just devert your attention to those who are having fun. I'll take some photos later. This should be a pretty one.

Reactive Attachment Disorder

What is it? I am going to go back over some basics for the next few blogs. I will start with a definition of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I will quote the experts on this. I couldn't begin to say it better.

Nancy Thomas- "Attachment Disorder is defined as the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships. They often show nearly a complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others. due to this trust issue. This damage is done by being abused or physically or emotionally separated from one primary caregiver during the first 3 years of life."

Institute for Attachment & Child Development -
An attachment disorder is a condition in which individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting intimate relationships.
Attachment disorders vary in severity, but the term usually is reserved for individuals who show a nearly complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others. They typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust."

Tomorrow I will write about healthy attachments and how they are formed. Attachment to mom is the beginning of all human relationships. Big stuff.