Defiance

Did you feel yourself shudder? I did just reading the word. That is part of the problem is defiance can get our blood pumping. For me personally I can feel I am losing control, things start escalating. It can become a case of trying to "win" rather than deal with the issue. I think with defiance it is important to remember it is driven by fear. Fear does weird things to the brain. Hope that wasn't too scientific for you. : ) Our kids fear compliance = acceptance. I often think one of my kids thinks of birthmom every time I talk to him. If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do he goes into the fright, flight or freeze part of his brain. Adults are not to be trusted, we are mean, stupid and wrong. This is a tough one. I really think instead of focusing on the issue, such as getting dressed, we need to once again focus on the child. Here are some things I have used for defiance. Some are BC. Some are Love & Logic. There are some great articles I will copy and paste as well. I loved your contributions yesterday and will be trying some myself. So please feel free to add on today. If it is ok I will add your comments to the post.

Reverse Pyschology: Works VERY well on Taz. "Slam your door." means the door will be shut quietly. "Just lay there because you are not going to get your chores done on time." means they probably will get done. "Please make that screaming sound for 5 more minutes" means he will stop.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/thirteensteps.html Jim Fay on Violence

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/enforceable.html Jim Fay on Using Enforceable Statements

http://www.attachment.org/pages_parents_articles5.php Nancy Thomas on Dealing with Defiance

I have also used "That is fine if you are not strong enough to do that now. You may lay on the couch until you are ready. Let me know." They eventually ask to do something. I say as soon as what I have asked is done they may do that. No privileges until the work is done.

If they refuse to lay on the couch I say "that is fine. Remember there are consequences to all of our actions." I love Nancy Thomas' idea of doing a fun activity with the other kids and letting Jr know he can join you as soon as he is done, something like baking cookies, playing a game or watching a video.

All consequences, words and touching need to be done in love. There needs to be kindness in your words, not sarcasm. A loving look, not anger. A gentle touch as much as they allow. A hand on the shoulder, a high five or a pat if they are not up for a hug. Absolutely a hug if they will allow it.

Our kids are different. Different things work for different kids. All things seem to work for a short time. I find it best to keep changing what I do. Be a consistent parent in that they need to know their defiance does not mean they don't do anything you ask. It means you will always do something but they do not need to know what it will be.

And last is pure silliness. Sometimes I make up a song. Sometimes I turn on happy music. Dance around. Tell a knock knock joke. Lighten the moment. ADHD is easily distracted. Sometimes the defiance disappears merely by distracting them.

Our objective is not to win. Our objective is for them to learn to feel loved and safe so they have the desire THEMSELVES to do what is right.

Video Games and RAD

I have always loved Nancy Thomas' website http://www.attachment.org/
She has this article written by Dr. Daniel Amen a leading neuropsychiatrist. His site is http://www.amenclinics.com/


Video Games And Being All Thumbs May Not Be A Good Thing
by Daniel Amen M.D.
The brain is involved in everything we do. Wherever there are human stories the brain is involved. From the impact of war and natural disasters on the brain to drug abuse scandals to courtroom dramas to politics the brain is in the news, and you can read about it here.
The brain is everywhere there is news about people. This week I had lunch with a friend who was concerned that her husband allowed their son to play video games for an extended period of time. As a father of three children and a child psychiatrist I have thought a lot about video games over the past 15 years. At first, I found them great fun to play; then I started to worry. Here's why. People playing action video games have been studied using brain imaging techniques that look at blood flow and activity patterns. Video games have been found to work in an area of the brain called the caudate nucleus, one of the pleasure centers in the brain. In fact, it is the same part of the brain that lights up when we inject a person with cocaine.
My experience with patients, and one of my own children, is that they tend to get hooked on the games and play so much that it can deteriorate their school work and social time. Like a drug, some children and adults actually get hooked on them. There is also a scientific literature that reports video games may increase seizure frequency in people who are sensitive to them.
You may remember in December 1997 there was a Japanese Nintendo cartoon that had an explosion of red, white and yellow lights that trigger 730 Japanese children to have new onset seizures. The condition is called photosenstive seizures (seizures triggered by light). I often think video games trigger subclinical seizures in vulnerable kids and adults causing behavior or learning problems.
I recently had a patient who I have been treating for several years. It took me quite a while to get his meds and school situation stabilized. He was doing great! Then he went to stay with his dad for 3 weeks and he totally relapsed (dad let him watch all the TV and play all the video games he wanted). This 11 year old boy reverted to his nasty behavior and actually started to pull out his own hair (a sign of anxiety and compulsiveness). When we stopped both TV and video games he quickly improved.
In another study, video games were found to increase the thumb representation in the brain. That may be helpful if we were monkeys in trees, but not much use to humans who need their brains for other functions. When Nintendo came into my home when my son was in the 6th grade (15 years ago). I noticed over time that he played more and more, even when he was told to stop, his grades went down and his level of defiance went up. After 2 years of difficult behavior I took the games out of the house. Thankfully, my girls have never been very interested.
There you have it -- one child psychiatrist's view of video games. I do not think they give kids or adults any long term value. They do not help you get most jobs and I think they train the brain to need more and more stimulation to be able to focus. There are many reasons why the incidence in learning and behavior problems has doubled in the last 20 years; I believe video games may be part of the puzzle.
As a neuropsychiatrist for the past 20 years my clinics have amassed the world's largest database of brain scans related to behavior, more than 21,000. The brain is involved in everything we do and must be considered whenever we look at the motivation or reason behind human behavior.
"Brain In The News" is offered as a free service to people in the media to help them educate the public on how the brain relates to our behavior. To subscribe, visit www.amenclinic.com. You can see over 300 color 3D brain SPECT images at www.brainplace.com.
Daniel Amen, M.D. Amen Clinics, Inc.Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatryand Human Behavior UC, Irvine School of Medicine
Visit the Amen Clinic Bookstore at www.Mindworkspress.com for all of Dr. Amen's Books, Videos and more. Also check out www.amenclinic.com.
Amen Clinics, Inc. 4019 Westerly Place, Suite 100 Newport Beach, CA 92660Phone: (949) 266-3726 Fax: (949) 266-3766


When looking for summer activities for our kids video game time needs to be really limited.
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Attachment Seminars

With summer coming I thought this might be a great time for people to attend attachment seminars. You don't have to worry about the kids missing school and it can be worked into a family vacation or a get away for you and your hubby. Here are the upcoming seminars I could find. I hope you find one to work for you. Not only do you gain valuable information at these seminars but you meet other parents like yourself. You find yourself exchanging phone numbers and emails. The support is great!

Nancy and Beth Thomas
http://attachment.org/pages_seminars.php

Deborah Hage gives a list of her seminar topics. You must contact her for schedules.
http://www.deborahhage.com/resources/index.html

Family Camps - listed at the right
http://www.postinstitute.com/book_educators.html

Attachment Consultants of the Ozarks contact for dates
http://www.attachmentconsultants.com/Workshops_Seminars.html

Dr Daniel Amen is a neurpsychiatrist who has done amazing work on the brains ability to heal
http://www.amenclinic.com/da/calendar.php

RadKid list of training sites
http://radkid.org/training_sites.html

If you know of any more please feel free to leave the web address in the comment box.

Thanks

Nancy Thomas

Nancy Thomas is a well known attachment theraputic foster mom who lives in Colorado. She has done more for the families of attachment disordered children than any other person, in my opinion. She has written several books. My 2 favorites are When Love Is Not Enough and Dandelion on My Pillow and Butcher Knife Beneath. The first is a very practical guide to parenting a child with RAD. The second is Nancy's life story. The benefit to reading it for me was seeing how she put her principals into practice in every day life. She also does Attachment Seminars for parents. Chris and I are heading to one this month and I am so excited about going, learning and experiencing her first hand. She also trains a few people to do the Attachment seminars. I am working hard, and have people working hard with me, to bring one of these mom's, Cindy Richter, to our town to do a seminar. Cindy's web site is: http://www.parentingtoughkids.com/ The more we know and understand about RAD the better we can parent our children with RAD! Nancy's website is: http://www.attachment.org/