The Power of Gentlenss

When we think of power we often think of someone who is physically very strong. Or maybe we think of someone with strong political power. Maybe it means someone with a lot of money. In our homes there are different kinds of power. Our children with RAD fear they have no power, no control over their lives. How do we as adults feel when our lives feel out of control? It is easy at times to resort to authoritarian methods of parenting. We fear losing control of our own homes. Maybe we think that happened the day our child moved in.

There is great power in gentleness. Human touch used appropriately can change lives. It goes right to the soul.

When you feel yourself feeling overwhelmed, out of control and think you are weak: Remember to be gentle, to touch, to comfort. They may initially reject it but keep going. It is powerful.

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

Don't love more. Love smarter.

So many phrases come to mind. One is "If I only love him more..." How many of us have thought that. Even if we know better it still seems to come to mind. At least for me. I think of the old cliche "Don't work harder. Work smarter." The way we love our kids with RAD is different. Sure we give them the same love we give all of our other kids. But when they are having RADish behavior we have to be in control.......of ourselves. THAT is the hard part. Reign in the hurt words or the defensiveness and take a deep breath. If I need to I go to my bedroom for a few minutes to compose myself. This is called "regulating" myself. Getting my emotions back in check. Then I need to react to RADish behavior with empathy, loving touch and gentle eyes. Keys to attachment. Emapthy gives the child the feeling of being understood. When he starts screaming "You don't love me" There are a variety of loving things we can say. "I know you must feel that way sometimes. But I do love you." or simply"You are so afraid but you are safe. I am not going to leave you." If they don't allow hugs, try a hand on the shoulder, a high five or even a gentle bumping of shoulders. Any human touch they will allow that is done lovingly is progress! The eyes are the window to the soul. When they look and see anger and rejection it validates the fearful fealings they have.

Tis the season for melt downs. Don't love more. Love smarter!

2 kids=2 totally different RADs

I remember writing about the subtypes of RAD. Instead of doing the clinical jargon version I just want to point out how vastly different my 2 sons present their RAD. Older son is passive aggressive. He rarely says no but rarely complies. He says OK but then doesn't do it. He tries to spend all his time hiding in his room or doing activities that keep him away from me. He pretends not to know or understand things, but sometimes really doesn't. That is confusing. He refuses to work at school but can sit and stare into space for hours to keep from doing it. The only time he becomes confrontational is when we try to stop any of this behavior. Then all the anger he has bottled up inside comes out. Nothing is his fault. He does not agree with much of what I have to say. Our youngest son is like the Tasmanian Devil spinning through our house. He breaks much of what he touches. He is loud. He seeks confrontation, physical action and human touch. His anger is overt and EVERYONE is aware of it. I asked our attachment therapist and he said our younger son's presentation is much more common in his practice. I will say that while the younger sons is exhausting to deal with it has been much easier to treat. His crave for human touch has been our "in". Either way, as a parent, my reactions need to be the same. Eye contact, gentle touch, empathy, and attunement with their feelings. Tough stuff to do with a cyclone and a hermit but it can be done. "Never, never, never quit." Winston Churchill.