Sunday, November 30, 2008

Don't love more. Love smarter.

So many phrases come to mind. One is "If I only love him more..." How many of us have thought that. Even if we know better it still seems to come to mind. At least for me. I think of the old cliche "Don't work harder. Work smarter." The way we love our kids with RAD is different. Sure we give them the same love we give all of our other kids. But when they are having RADish behavior we have to be in control.......of ourselves. THAT is the hard part. Reign in the hurt words or the defensiveness and take a deep breath. If I need to I go to my bedroom for a few minutes to compose myself. This is called "regulating" myself. Getting my emotions back in check. Then I need to react to RADish behavior with empathy, loving touch and gentle eyes. Keys to attachment. Emapthy gives the child the feeling of being understood. When he starts screaming "You don't love me" There are a variety of loving things we can say. "I know you must feel that way sometimes. But I do love you." or simply"You are so afraid but you are safe. I am not going to leave you." If they don't allow hugs, try a hand on the shoulder, a high five or even a gentle bumping of shoulders. Any human touch they will allow that is done lovingly is progress! The eyes are the window to the soul. When they look and see anger and rejection it validates the fearful fealings they have.

Tis the season for melt downs. Don't love more. Love smarter!

4 comments:

Simply Moms said...

So good.

Dinah said...

So true!!

Story of our Life said...

Very true!!

Sadly, I was told by nearly EVERYONE that if I 'only loved him more'.....

Sadly, my love was not enough. (thus the name of my blog).

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the reminder. We are doing a fun activity EVERY day of December to help B learn to associate the holidays with fun and happiness. She has always put a damper on the holidays and this year she is ready to learn to be happy since she attached fully this year. Yahooo.
Linda N