Finding Support

One of the things that helps moms most is finding strong support. We have to look in a wide variety of places. First, for me, is in my faith. I believe in the power of prayer. I also appreciate those in my church and my church friends. They are with me fully and let me know that. They cannot give councel as to how to handle our kids. They can pray and let me know they care and they do that. Thanks ladies. Second is professional help. I do believe it has made a big difference for me. They give you a place to let out your deep feelings but they also help you find a balance. They think of ways to deal with your life friends are not trained to do. They add a balance of a nonemotionally involved outlook at things. Support groups are great. I know there is an adoptive support group that meets about an hour and a half from here. I have not had the opportunity to attend their meetings but no someone else who has and finds real understanding and wisdom there. Finding other moms who have adopted and are facing some of the same issues helps too. I meet regularly for coffee with one mom who has two daughters with RAD. We rarely give answers but always share about our week with no judgment. We give each other understanding. On line there are blogs and websites with information. I feel the more I understand about this disorder the better I can parent this child. Find your support. Search it out for yourself. A tree with long strong roots can withstand the storm.

P.S. Oh my goodness. I left out my hubby. He is my strongest supporter. He does not understand RAD to the extent I do. He knows that and so says "I don't get it but you do. What do we do?" He is always there with a hug and says to do what I need to in order to take care of myself. We take good care of our relationships with each other and because of this have grown closer through RAD rather than apart. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I should talk about marriage tomorrow.

What is an Attachment Therapist?

I am hoping to become an attachment therapist. I am beginning a masters program in counseling in May. But how is an attachment therapist different from any other therapist? The difference is huge. We went to many many other therapists with no change or success. Traditional methods do not work with RAD. I know that I, the mom, was often blamed for their issues. I was given "ideas" such as sticker charts, awards, positive reinforcement (not a bad thing) and more time away from them as possibilities. I even had some who thought the kids were fine and that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. This is because children with RAD are so good at turning on the charming behavior around anyone who is not mom. We finally called an attachment therapist who over the phone described my children to a T. SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTOOD. That was huge for us. Here are the differences between a regular therapist and an attachment therapist as listed according to Nancy Thomas at http://www.attachment.org/.

"Attachment therapy uses the mother as the change agent to heal the broken bond between mother and child. Traditional therapy leaves the mother in the waiting room, not a part of the healing of the child. Attachment therapy focuses on building trust in the child toward the mother, traditional therapies deal with building trust in the child toward the therapist......

Therapists trained in attachment work confront issues with the child in a timely manner. Realizing the painful issues of the child’s abuse/abandonment/neglect/pain are carried inside the child every minute and every day of their life. Surgeons don’t wait until a tumor’s big enough to take it out. Attachment therapists don’t wait until the child’s childhood is over, family destroyed, months and years of learning opportunities wasted before dealing with vital issues. "

Here is a chart of the differences as listed according to http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/


ATTACHMENT THERAPY

• "Fix the Foundation"


• Family is the primary healing resource.


• If we trust the family with the child, then
  we should trust the family with the child's history.


• Parents set behavioral goals.


• Corrective Attachment Parenting.


• "Giving Child the Words".


• Not talking about the child's issues says,
  "What happened to you is so bad that even we
  grown-ups can't talk about it. It is less traumatizing
  to talk about the child's issues than to let the child live with the issues.
• Quick to switch to different strategies.


• "Heal the Pathology"


• Limited use of auxiliary services. Wraparound
  often takes the child away from the family. Too many
  adults are involved in the child's life who are on a different
  page, working on behavioral goals without working on issues,
  often providing rewards the parents are not in favor of, the
  least skilled people provide the
  most amount of services (i.e., TSS)

TRADTIONAL THERAPY

• "Build the House on a Cracked Foundation"


• Child is seen alone by professional. Information is not always shared with family


• Child assists in behavior goal setting


• Token Economies


• Wait for Child to talk about Issues


• Continue with same strategies.


• "Diagnose and medicate"


• Overuse of Auxilary Services

Symptoms

Here are the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder:

Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger•Resists affection on parental terms•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying•Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers•Poor peer relationships•Steals•Lies about the obvious•Lack of conscience - shows no remorse•Destructive to property, self and/or others•Lack of impulse control•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive•Learning lags/delays•Speech and language problems•Incessant chatter and/or questions•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy•Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts•Parents appear hostile and angry•The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life

If your child has one or two of these symptoms it doesn't mean they have RAD. A child can have attachment issues without having the full blown RAD. If you look at this list and feel uneasy because it sounds too much like your child it is probably time to have them evaluated by an Attachment Therapist. A list of Attachment therapists by state can be found at this website: http://www.attachment.org/Findtherp.htm Above all don't panic. The treatment for RAD is difficult but effective. It can work if you persist! We have walking living proof in our home! Yes. There are setbacks. But we are not in the same place we were at all a year ago and are still amazed every day at the changes in our child. If your child has attachment issues there are many many books on bonding. One website that has wonderful nurturing activities is http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Nurturing_Activities.htm

We are teaching our children to trust. At least trying too. : ) So as an example, we need to trust God to give us the wisdom, strength and resources that we need to parent our children effectively. Always have hope. When you don't have enough hope, find those around you who do and get strength and hope from them!