Defiance

Did you feel yourself shudder? I did just reading the word. That is part of the problem is defiance can get our blood pumping. For me personally I can feel I am losing control, things start escalating. It can become a case of trying to "win" rather than deal with the issue. I think with defiance it is important to remember it is driven by fear. Fear does weird things to the brain. Hope that wasn't too scientific for you. : ) Our kids fear compliance = acceptance. I often think one of my kids thinks of birthmom every time I talk to him. If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do he goes into the fright, flight or freeze part of his brain. Adults are not to be trusted, we are mean, stupid and wrong. This is a tough one. I really think instead of focusing on the issue, such as getting dressed, we need to once again focus on the child. Here are some things I have used for defiance. Some are BC. Some are Love & Logic. There are some great articles I will copy and paste as well. I loved your contributions yesterday and will be trying some myself. So please feel free to add on today. If it is ok I will add your comments to the post.

Reverse Pyschology: Works VERY well on Taz. "Slam your door." means the door will be shut quietly. "Just lay there because you are not going to get your chores done on time." means they probably will get done. "Please make that screaming sound for 5 more minutes" means he will stop.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/thirteensteps.html Jim Fay on Violence

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/enforceable.html Jim Fay on Using Enforceable Statements

http://www.attachment.org/pages_parents_articles5.php Nancy Thomas on Dealing with Defiance

I have also used "That is fine if you are not strong enough to do that now. You may lay on the couch until you are ready. Let me know." They eventually ask to do something. I say as soon as what I have asked is done they may do that. No privileges until the work is done.

If they refuse to lay on the couch I say "that is fine. Remember there are consequences to all of our actions." I love Nancy Thomas' idea of doing a fun activity with the other kids and letting Jr know he can join you as soon as he is done, something like baking cookies, playing a game or watching a video.

All consequences, words and touching need to be done in love. There needs to be kindness in your words, not sarcasm. A loving look, not anger. A gentle touch as much as they allow. A hand on the shoulder, a high five or a pat if they are not up for a hug. Absolutely a hug if they will allow it.

Our kids are different. Different things work for different kids. All things seem to work for a short time. I find it best to keep changing what I do. Be a consistent parent in that they need to know their defiance does not mean they don't do anything you ask. It means you will always do something but they do not need to know what it will be.

And last is pure silliness. Sometimes I make up a song. Sometimes I turn on happy music. Dance around. Tell a knock knock joke. Lighten the moment. ADHD is easily distracted. Sometimes the defiance disappears merely by distracting them.

Our objective is not to win. Our objective is for them to learn to feel loved and safe so they have the desire THEMSELVES to do what is right.