The Whole Parent: How to become a terrific parent even if you never had one.

by Debra Wesselmann.

This book was written by a therapist from my home state. In fact she is going into partnership with our attachment therapist soon. It is a very clearly written, easy to understand (thank goodness) book on how our childhood effects how we parent. She goes through the different experiences we may have had as children. She talks about different negative parenting styles. She then says when we parent our children one of two things can happen. We can act just as our parents did and repeat the negative parenting. Or we can see ourselves in our child and react to the negativity in a childlike way as we did when we were parented. The last part of the book gives exercises you can do that will help you to deal with this and overcome those parenting behaviors and thought patterns. We can all be loving parents. Now as a disclaimer I will say I am not reading this book because of my parents. No one is perfect but I think they were good loving parents. I am reading it because so many things in it are helpful in dealing with my son with RAD. He is dealing with those same issues of behavior and thought patterns resulting from the early years. I think this is a great book for all parents RAD children or not.

theraputic parenting

Whenever our youngest child starts showing his signs of RAD: the lack of eye contact, the anger, grades start dropping, defiance, I know it is time to step up the theraputic parenting. These are things I have learned in Attachment Therapy and also in books on RAD that I have read. If I mention I am doing this people ask what it is I do. They are very simple things that seem to make a world of difference. When I go wake him up in the morning I sit on his bed and rub his back for a minute. I know he is better when he snuggles instead of pulling away. I work for 12 hugs a day. Not necessarily huge bear hugs but often just quick little "good job" hugs or "glad to see you" hugs. I work at making eye contact often and smiling with my eyes when I talk with him. I try to touch his arm, shoulder or back when I talk to him. I make my voice soft and tender when giving instructions or even when discussing a behavior. I reassure him often that he is safe and that I will never leave. I realize none of this is rocket science, but if you have not added these behaviors to your day and have a child with RAD you might want to give it a try. It works for us. It is not a "cure" for RAD, our older child is still fighting me, but it helps. It tugs at their hearts and makes them stop and look at you a little differently. I can see it in their eyes. Mom's of children with RAD spend a lot of time being angry and frustrated. Burned out. Adding a little tenderness gets their attention and it will make you feel better about yourself too. It helps you know your kind self is still in there, helps soften your own anger a little and forces you to do the right thing even when you don't feel like it. Parenting kids with RAD is a tough job.