LIVING WITH RAD

My son (technically step-son;5 years) probably has...

2011-12-17T09:31:14.801-06:00

My son (technically step-son;5 years) probably has some form of an attachment disorder (we are just now being told by his counselor that she believes he was neglected and psychologically abused by his mom). For years he was a tree, then one day it clicked with me - maybe if I tell him what I'm doing, he'll accept it, he hugs others (relatives outside of the immediate family and family friends that are virtually strangers). So I began telling him "I'm hugging you" each time I hugged him. Pretty soon, the rest of my family caught on and began doing the same. My "B" (this is his nickname) willingly accepts hugs now after over a year of doing this, he even melts into him. The strange after-effect of the situation: he announces that he is hugging you. It's a little odd for a child to do this, but announcing a hug is better than not accepting one. We still struggle with him (arguing, taking joy in other's misfortunes, having to continue to visit his mother despite the past treatment because she is no longer neglecting/abusing him, regressing after he returns from his visits, etc), but we are making progress. Thanks for your blog! I was wondering how other parents were dealing - don't know anyone around here with a child like my "B". :)

Therapeutic parenting is an approach to parenting ...

2011-12-14T04:08:26.132-06:00

Therapeutic parenting is an approach to parenting that is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on increasing attunement with the child, understanding the drivers of the child's behavior, and acting, as a parent, in a manner to facilitate the development of a more secure attachment.

See the Book:
Attachment Parenting, edited by Arthur Becker-Weidman & Deborah Shell, Lanham MD:Jason Aronson, 2010
and
Creating Capacity for Attachment, edited by Arthur Becker-Weidman & Deborah Shell, 2005/2011
for more details

my friend has just been diagnosed with an attachme...

2011-12-13T12:10:17.845-06:00

my friend has just been diagnosed with an attachment disorder and feels he is doomed and it very upset by this all he think that it cannot be cured is this true?

I have just recently discovered that I am afflicte...

2011-11-10T13:21:12.364-06:00

I have just recently discovered that I am afflicted by RAD or Adult Attachment Disorder. I don't really have a lot of information but it's beginning to shed some light on areas of my life where relationships have been difficult. I am determined to have a fulfilled life and to share genuine feelings towards other people. I have hurt a lot of people by closing up shop whenever I felt obligated or expected to give more of myself. I have been carrying this around for 40 years and I am not committed to the baggage any longer. Does anyone have tips on how to meet this head on with out having to medicate myself or perform hypnosis? I joke but the reality is I see a great person with a lot to offer inside but my difficulty is getting that person to show up on a consistent basis.

I know this is an old post but I just found your b...

2011-10-19T11:02:42.284-05:00

I know this is an old post but I just found your blog and can't tell you how excited I am. I just have to comment! We are dealing with RAD too and most days I wonder what's wrong with me...it must be me since everyone else thinks he is the most wonderful thing in the world. It's just an amazing feeling to know that we are not alone...and maybe I'm not completely horrible for struggling with this child. Thank you so, so much!

We went on half a dozen mini family vacation adven...

2011-10-11T08:58:27.469-05:00

We went on half a dozen mini family vacation adventures over the summer. My RADling pushed away through most of it...ugh. At least it was a somewhat refreshing escape for the rest of us.

I am 21 and I was diagnosed with RAD at 11. I can ...

2011-09-12T03:43:43.610-05:00

I am 21 and I was diagnosed with RAD at 11. I can now make healthy attachments rather easily and am no longer angry. I attribute this to a loving Father and Guide, Jesus Christ. I want to say that there IS hope!

anonymous, Seek out a therapist or psychologist w...

2011-08-15T22:47:58.536-05:00

anonymous,

Seek out a therapist or psychologist who specializes in attachment or trauma. If you cannot find this, look for one who does EMDR, which is a form of trauma therapy. Best of luck in your search.

All this information reinforces what I have known ...

2011-08-10T23:56:15.733-05:00

All this information reinforces what I have known and has provided additional insight; thank you.
I have a horrible situation unfolding. I am going through a horrific divorce. My child has been traumatized for years by her father. Because she does not want to have a relationship with her father, she is being labeled with ODD and I being labeled an alienator. She doesn't have ODD. And I am a protective parent. Her reaction to reunification and therapy stems from what she has been through for 11 years. The system and the professionals court appointed are failing my child.
The "professionals" assigned by the courts all state there is not abuse. Even with bruises. They just keep putting the blame on my child. What can I do so the "professionals" know the differenc b/w ODD and trauma.

Hi my name is Jenna and I came across your site. ...

2011-08-02T18:48:39.733-05:00

Hi
my name is Jenna and I came across your site. Your sons, are inspirational hero's and are great kids. I was born with a rare life threatening disease, suspected autism, developmental delays and 12 other diagnosis. I love it when people sign my guestbook.

Love this song. I printed it out and had my daught...

2011-08-02T07:36:24.748-05:00

Love this song. I printed it out and had my daughter do it for copywork. You can't get enough good thoughts in their heads!

We have had some great family vacations with our R...

2011-07-28T20:38:57.705-05:00

We have had some great family vacations with our RAD child (we just had to remember to schedule in time for meltdowns).
Hope you have a fabulous time!!!!!
Amy

I'd love to know how to stop this. I feel like...

2011-07-20T09:14:35.252-05:00

I'd love to know how to stop this. I feel like I've done everything.
What do the adults say us parents could do different.

I first heard this song in the car driving one day...

2011-07-19T19:05:14.680-05:00

I first heard this song in the car driving one day and was literally in tears at how much it reminded me of our kids!! Thanks for posting it!

Love the picture!!! And the words of wisdom are s...

2011-07-06T11:57:13.606-05:00

Love the picture!!! And the words of wisdom are so true!!

I am tired, but not as tired as some other mama...

2011-06-28T22:33:11.646-05:00

I am tired, but not as tired as some other mama's I know, we literally have very few options with our girls and getting a break, we take what we can. When the time comes that we can "relax", often husband and I simply go about life quietly, sometimes just sleeping, rarely do we sit and talk and laugh, I miss that soooo much.

I needed this reminder! Some days are good, other ...

2011-06-28T12:29:29.508-05:00

I needed this reminder! Some days are good, other days, I feel like that poor mama dog looks. Except instead of fifty little pups, I've got one kid bouncing around *acting* like fifty little pups.

I'm not sure how I found this blog, but I just...

2011-06-20T20:53:23.658-05:00

I'm not sure how I found this blog, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your triumphs and trials on here. My husband and I are going on a little over a year of raising our 4 yr old son with RAD. We (and God) have accomplished much but we still have quite a journey ahead. Thank you for your candidness and positive outlook. Your faith is evident and refreshing. = )

2011-06-20T20:50:28.088-05:00

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"If you think about driving down the road and...

2011-06-20T15:27:57.396-05:00

"If you think about driving down the road and the thoughts you have, his are all verbalized. "Look at that sign." "A green car" "25 degrees"."

Well, this kind of statements would seem quite natural over here, in a german-speaking country (we like stating the obvious).

But perhaps there is more to it:
- Perhaps Bear is a rather verbal kind of person, i.e. his thinking functions in a verbal way, rather than pictural or other...

- Perhaps this is a way of starting a conversation, of interacting with people.

Actually, my father always talks like this. He also likes to interrupt other people's conversations rather than starting his own, so that all this is the most natural thing in the world to me.

I agree with you that it might be easier, socially speaking, when you learn to control these things. However, one should not view them too negatively, since it might just be a personality trait of your son, his way of starting a positive interaction...

That's just my two cents for an article you wrote a long, long time ago...

It is so great that you take in as many resources ...

2011-06-20T15:08:48.104-05:00

It is so great that you take in as many resources as you can gather. This is so important...

This also makes reading your blog (and I suppose your councelling) so special: you do not just draw from one source. You take everything available and stick with what works, so that it becomes your very special and qualified way of coping with this difficult parenting situation.

Keep it up! It's so great.

Do you notice how different this post is from a po...

2011-06-20T15:02:13.829-05:00

Do you notice how different this post is from a post one or two years ago that started "snow is difficult"...

Actually, you had the same receipies to cope back then (watch video, go out, have hot chocolate), but it lacked this eager anticipation and this completely positive approach.

I am so much in awe about what you achieved in one or two years...

"it keeps no record of wrongs." I think...

2011-06-20T14:57:15.487-05:00

"it keeps no record of wrongs."

I think that is a really tough one. It is not easy to start all over again with a clean slate when you were so angry yesterday and the day before, etc...

"I believe that Bear really does believe in h...

2011-06-20T14:55:15.844-05:00

"I believe that Bear really does believe in his mind that he is trying."

Thank you for this important statement. Because his trying might be like and iceberg: only 1/7 of it will become visible, and it might even take a long, long time.

But while people around him do not see much, whole underwater-landscapes of healing and filling in holes from the past and restructuring might take place... And perhaps you will not even be the first to see it, but the old lady he will help carry her shopping-bag...

I quote you: Never, never quit.

Thank you for this very precious bit of advice. I...

2011-06-20T14:51:22.284-05:00

Thank you for this very precious bit of advice.

I think that all too often, in the hustle and bustle, stress and education of daily life, this can be forgotten. So having a book filled with mom's love and why she loves them might help the children to go a long, long way.

Thanks for having that idea.