RADical healing

I will add material about the attachment seminar to the end of the post. It is important information and part of what brought us to this point. I can't tell you what a whirl wind of emotion I have been feeling since yesterday: excitement, relief, thankfulness. The one thing I do not really feel is fear. I believe it is because I saw this same process in Taz and I see it repeating itself in exactly the same way in Bear. So I know that once they take a couple of big steps in healing it is lasting and will even improve beyond this point. There will be regressions. Those are too be expected. Certain situations bring back up the fear. I hope this encourages those of you who are tired and battle worn. Never, never, never quit.

As you know children with RAD are stuck in a sea of grief and trauma. Living in fear and sadness. This is information from the Wesselmann/Bruckner Seminar on how the trauma plays out.

" A child enters the world ready to trust, love, and bond with his mother. When the bond is broken the cycle of trust is broken. The birth parent starts the cycle of mistrust and the present parent is at risk to fall into the same cycle. When the present parent intervenes to meet the need, the past trauma of not having needs met is triggered, creating overwhelming feelings of fear and anger. The need for control is based in the instinctual need to feel safe.

When a child has experienced recurrent trauma in the attachment relationships he lives in a world of mistrust and fear. In his attempts to survive and feel safe, he appears to reject love, yet he wants that love desperately. This confusion creates an environment of sadness and fear for all involved. Self hatred, self doubt shame, fear, anger, hurt, envy ALONE are words that describe the feelings of a child with RAD. The world becomes a dangerous place, love is to be feared, relationships mean abandonment, and feelings are to be avoided. Children's fears often become manifested in behaviors that are provoking and even frightening to caregivers and professionals alike."

I think the value in learning this material is that it helps us see the world through our child's eyes. It helps us to see their pain instead of the anger. Very important in parenting them. Have a healing day.

Fear and Anger

My boys are angry. Anger is a cover for fear or sadness. Getting to the the heart of the issue during an angry confrontation is key. Often when they come at me verbally almost demanding an exchange it only takes a few soft words, a touch or a gentle look to bring them back down. Sometimes it only escalates the behavior. The behavior is driven by fear or sadness. If you can get them to go to their rooms for a few minutes to cool down and then go in an very softly talk with them about the fear or sadness you can have a meaningful conversation. Remember the frightened little boy in the monster suit. Sometimes it is too hard to talk about and they will not allow themselves to admit the fear or sadness. It is during those times you reassure them you understand they are sad or afraid and when they are ready you will listen. They will say something mean, but just get up and walk away. The anger makes them feel strong. The fear and sadness makes them feel weak and vulnerable. Don't allow your emotions to take over in these times and take things personally or have hurt feelings. Be strong and use your logical mind to get you through. Pray and ask for help and wisdom. Seek counsel of professionals and other moms. You can do this.

Child of Rage

Do you remember that movie? It was made about Nancy Thomas' daughter who suffered with RAD. Child of Rage is a good description of a child with RAD. The rage covers up so much sadness. Sadness about feeling rejected by their birth mom. Maybe abused in some way. Neglected. All such ugly unimaginable words and yet it is so very real to these little people. They have sadness about each foster home they left even if they were bad. In their eyes it is yet again rejection by another mother. There are no baby pictures of my boys. No shared family stories that include their early years. Even after being in our home for a few months one of my sons shared "We're foster boys." I made sure he knew "Not anymore." The rage also covers up fear. Fear that this mom is going to send me away too. Each time I leave one of them is angry when I get back. For years I'd run to the store and when I pulled in the drive the curtain would move because one was standing there waiting for me to return. Fear that they are different then everyone else. All teens have this to some extent. Teens with RAD have it in an amplified version. People know I used to be a "foster boy". Do people know all those mothers left me? I must be bad. I must be worthless. All of this contributes to the rage. Why rage? Because rage is empowering to them. Fear and sadness makes them feel weak and vulnerable. Rage makes them feel in control and strong.
So what does a mom do? Attachment therapy, EMDR therapy, read books on Attachment. Find friends in real life or on line that have lived your life. And then practice the things you learn. Relearn you parenting style for this child. You must do it differently if he is to succeed. And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Go play. Spend some time each day relaxing. Read books, go for walks, have coffee with a friend, exercise, get a manicure. Do something that involves thinking about yourself. Don't lose yourself in the RAD. I did for awhile. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow. Oh I should tell you that Nancy Thomas' daughter, Beth, is now a neonatal nurse, author and public speaker. There is hope.