Are you Overwhelmed?

There are times in parenting a child with RAD when it becomes "to much". We just become exhausted, weepy and don't know what to do next. We have had an extra tough week at our house with Teddy. I won't go into details because I think it would be disrespectful of him. But he was out of the home for a few days and is now back. I do not know that anything has changed.

About 3 or maybe 4 years ago, while in the toughest stage of attachment therapy I started trying different things to see what would help me get through these overwhelmed feelings. There ARE things that help.

Physically: Get an extra hour of sleep. I go to bed at least a half hour to an hour earlier when I am feeling overwhelmed and it makes  a difference. I normally go to a 6 am Bible study on Fridays, but last night I told myself it was a morning to stay in bed, so didn't set the alarm. I love my ladies there to pieces, but I NEED sleep this week.

Work out: I have started the C25k.com treadmill program. I like it and have made it through the first two days. I normally go to Zumba a few days a week but have cut that back to one while I try to build for this and will add them back in as I get stronger.  I can go to the Y so tense and come out refreshed and with a clearer mind.

Support: Get help. I have spent hours on the phone this week, on the computer googling, looking for services that would help Teddy.  I'm not sure but I may have found a transition program that will be appropriate for him. He is 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19.

Talk: Find people you can talk too. If you don't have friends who understand, go to a therapist who does. If the first one doesn't get it, go to a different one. I had a bad experience yesterday at Teddy's dismissal session with the therapist there who not only didn't get what was going on, didn't get me and just seemed to not have a clue in general. "Let's just look at Teddy's good qualities and the wonderful person he is." she is said in her sugary enthusiastic voice. Of course, we need to do that, but there is some very serious stuff going on that needs to be addressed. It was not, and I was not heard.  Fine. I fired her in my mind and moved on to other support.

Eating: Seek out healthy foods. Remind yourself that it is easy to get sick when stressed and your body needs good fuel. Do not feed your emotions with food. Food is not your friend. Merely the gas for our tanks. Would you put junk in your car?

Spiritually: How does your faith help you when things are tough? Music, Bible reading, talking with Christian friends, and prayer all help get me through.

Play: Have fun. Laughter truly is the best medicine. If you have time out do something you truly enjoy. My husband and I have started taking swing dance lessons on Tuesdays. We both have a great time. Take a class (craft, education, gym, dance) join a club (extension, cards, craft) go try  something you always wanted to try!
Well, excuse me, it is 8:30 am and I am taking a nap. Then doing some work I do need to do. Then going to a matinee with a friend.

Have a healing day for yourself!

Parenting

I shared this quite some time ago but wanted to say something again. Partially to remind myself and partially in hopes it would help another mom out there in cyber land. Many months ago I came up with the list that helps me calm myself when I can't handle the whole parenting thing anymore.

1. Think logically. My husband is an accountant and probably the most logically thinking person I know. I am an emotional thinker. I think with my heart. Sometimes my children's words sear to the core of my heart. I tell myself to think like my husband. Think this through logically. It really helps me to look at it differently and plan what to do rather than react.

2. Don't take it personally. This is all going back to the feelings of abandonment from birth mom and the lack of trust resulting from that break. I represent her. I need to work on separating myself from her in his mind. "Bear, I am not ____. You are safe. I will never leave you."

3. Remember the scared little boy in the monster suit. When he is screaming and yelling and angry I look at this 5'7" teen and think of the tiny little boy inside. He wants his mommy and she left him. He is crying out in pain.

4. Ask myself "What is the fear?" What is it at that moment that he is really so afraid of? What is driving the behavior?

5. Remember to take care of myself. Have I been focusing on the healthy relationships? Have I had meaningful conversations with my husband? How much time am I spending focusing on RAD and Bear? He needs some but too much is not healthy.

I hope some of these things help you. I added our family photo at the top. I decided that it would make my blog more personal and more meaningful if you could tie faces to our nicknames. Have a healing day.

AH HA!

My husband took a vacation day. Our 19 year old daughter took a half day off. My wise husband observed my burned out attitude and said "You need an afternoon off. Why don't you and Dancer take off?" So Dancer and I ran around all afternoon ending it with manicures. I cannot tell you how different I feel. I can always tell when that overwhelmed feeling starts over taking me I am not taking the time alone I need. Every once in awhile it catches me off guard and I wonder what is up. Why? I don't know, but I let it happen. I spent some quality time with our daughter who leaves for college in less than a month. My nails are perty! So once again "Take care of yourself." is my song and dance next verse same as the first! It is hard in the summer to find the time alone but oh so necessary. Not a luxury, not self indulgent but necessary.

Parenting RAD

I'm taking another detour today. After our fiasco on Weds I started looking at myself. Why is it that I go through periods of handling RAD so well and periods of: self doubt, fear, and being overwhelmed? I have made a list of the traps I allow myself to fall into. Maybe you will recognize some of them. I hope that recognizing the traps will help me to stay out of them!

1. Think logically (I tend to be an emotional thinker)

2. Remember to think of him as a scared little boy in a monster suit (don't allow myself to believe he is as he appears)

3. What is the fear motivating his behavior? (It helps to remember he is reacting from fear and needs comforting)

4. Take care of myself and healthy relationships (in other words, focus on someone else)

5. Refuse to take it personally (remember this is about birth mom and his past)

6. Give yourself some slack. This is hard work (this was given by a dear friend. Thanks.)