RAD Shame

There is such shame felt by children with RAD.  Many of these shame feelings come from deep within and flood them with negative thoughts.

"I must be pretty bad if my birth mom did want me." (subsitute care for me, feed me, hit me as fits)
"I can't do anything right."
"I can't love this mom and I know I should. What kind of a person doesn't love their mom?"

They do horrible things to keep us at a distance and then feel deep guilt and shame for that. I think there are very few who actually have no conscience. I believe much of their behavior is driven by guilt and shame even though they try hard not to show it or acknowledge it.  They value themselves so little because they were not valued in those first few years as they should have been. Children are a treasure. What the heck is our society doing? Ooops. Off subject.

Our situation with Teddy blew up big time this week. Little did I know that he bought one of the "BB guns" which actually turned out to be one of those pellet guns that are quite popular now. It was a clear plastic but much cheaper and more toy like looking than the above. Actually I saw it in the other boys hand at the park and thought it was a squirt gun and that the BB guns had gone home. Little did I know. Teddy stuck it in his backpack and took it to school so I wouldn't find it. Then, of course, being Teddy he had to tell everyone he had it. He is suspended. If it were not for his special ed IEP and the work they have been doing with him he would have been expelled for the rest of the year.

This is where the shame comes in. Since getting into trouble he is venting all his anger at himself toward Taz. He is filled with rage toward him and goes on and on about how bad he is. It is obvious to everyone, even Taz, that this is what he is doing. He rants about Taz in ways that says "I am talking about me." So sad to be hurting so much. I've tried talking to him but he needs a little more time to collect himself before we can have a rational conversation.

As hard as it is to parent them, it is so much harder to be them. They are hurting.