Triangulation

Triangulation is common in kids who have RAD.  It is often mom-dad-child. It can be mom-school-child, mom-grandparent-child or even mom-therapist-child.  Triangulation is when the child acts one way in front of one person and another way in front of the other and builds up an alliance with one against the other. It can be deadly for relationships. I know many people who have to deal with this. Fortunately it is not an area that has been a real problem for us. My husband and I have talked about it from the get go. When the boys were little I'd see the attempts as they lashed out at me verbally. Dad would walk in the door and there was immediate silence. If I said "What did you say?" They would whisper "I know what you are trying to do."  Taz made the most attempts at winnng dad over against me. So one day we did snuggle time together, all three of us. We sat on the edge of the bed and I held Taz held and shoulders. Hubby sat next to me and held Taz's legs. By holding I mean gentle loving holding, not holding down. We both started talking about how much we loved him. Hubby rubbed his feet while I stroked his face and arms. We also told him that dad and I were a team. We would always be together and we would always be there for him.

He got up and went and threw up. I kid you not.

If your hubby still doesn't believe it is going on he needs to speak with someone who knows a great deal about RAD. Record some of what goes on. Wallie World has small recorders and play it back for him.  He needs to understand that trinagulation is a part of RAD and this child is fighting for their very survival in their minds.

School is tougher.  It seems that some years my child and the teacher did battle all year. It is like kids with RAD have a built in device that knows who they can fool and who they cannot. Other teachers would be completely convinced and feel they needed to be "the one" to stand by this child and save them. Simply tell them how much you appreciate their efforts. Remind them that you love this child with all you have and are getting them all the services you can and that you appreciate their support.  As long as the teacher is making their work more simple, expecting less and less and rewarding more and more the child will think they are great. It does the child no favors however as they end the year having not learned all they could have.  I don't think there is much you can do about it and I finally just left school issues to school when I could.

Extended family can be really tough because we care so much what they think. Remind them, too, of how much you love this child. Don't ignore the elephant in the room but speak to them privately and let them know they need to trust you. You are the same person they know and love and you need their support now more than ever.  Give them as much printed info on RAD as you can. Some people never understand RAD at all. 

Don't sacrifice yourself trying to please everyone. You'll lose who you are and in the end they won't all be happy anyway. Focus on your own little family in your own 4 walls. Triangulation is tough but needs to be nipped in the bud immediately by direct discussion.  Never, never, never quit!

Traveling with RAD

I'm taking Bear and Taz on a 3 hour car trip to visit my mom today. We will be gone for 3 days.

Traveling with 2 kids with RAD is one of our biggest challenges. My husband is staying home with the other kids as they have activities. Anyway, I thought I'd offer some tips we have found helpful for riding in the car as well as for visiting relatives.

Car: HEADPHONES. They are the best tool in our car tool box! When the kids were younger they had a lot of books and tapes (my kids are older). Now they listen to CDs. Playing the ABC game works well for us. You know, the old game where you look for an A on a sign and then find a B, until you get all the way through. Pack a snack for part way through. Of course, if you have room there is separation. We also have the little portable DVD players and they can watch their own movie if they have their headphones on. Some of these activities promote attachment. Those that involve headphones do not. Riding in the car is not always the best place to work on that but it can happen. Our kids often open up in the car. So if you can keep all but one busy with headphones and have one sitting near you to play a game you might have some quality conversation from them. I usually find they open up best if I a) am quiet b) tell a story from my childhood.

Relatives: Awww, triangulation! Set the rules from the beginning, if they need something they are to ask you , no one else. They will ask grandma or other relatives for things they know you will say no to anyway so be prepared. If grandma objects I gently say "The point is they were supposed to ask me and they didn't. They know this is something they are not allowed to do." When your children are small you may have relatives who do not understand the amount of structure. You can go prepared with handouts you print off of any number of websites listed to the right that give a brief description of what RAD is. They may just not understand. And that may just have to be ok. Maybe you can agree to disagree. And then there is the sweet, charming and endearing behavior given to others. This is the time to dig deep and be a grown up. Let it go. Don't offer sarcastic remarks about how they treat you when no one is looking. In fact, this may be a time when you can let them know you enjoy this behavior from them. When someones says "They are so sweet." Let them here you say "Thank you. I think so too." All of us love to hear people say good things about us.

Structure: Try to keep sleep/wake schedules as close to the same for them as you can. Take along board games if you are going to an older relatives house where there won't be things to do. I have sat in rooms full of people playing "Don't break the Ice." with my boys. Everyone else wanted to play too! Watch the food. I let them have the sweets and foods grandma prepares in moderation. I am also taking along some protein powder, rice milk and fruit. I will make protein shakes as snacks for them to balance things out some. Take your kids for walks if weather permits or go to the mall so they can move.

Traveling with children with RAD can be so challenging but it can be done! The extra effort is worth it.

Schooling the RADilicious child

After thinking about school for a couple of days I think I'll just give some basic tips on how we have handled different problems that have come up with our kids. If I don't hit on a topic that you need info on please let me know. If I don't know I bet another mom who reads here does and will be glad to help. That's how you all are. : ) I will also continue to sneak in photos of our anniversary trip!!

Triangulation: Over the years our boys have chosen a teacher or para to "befriend". They really play up to this one person and are sweet and very manipulative. They make sure to discuss how mean we are, we will not help them with their homework, we ignore them, have no paper or pencils in our house....yada yada yada. This unsuspecting teacher or para totally falls for it. The sad thing is that sooner or later our child will turn on them and they will be shocked to find the child is not attached to them at all but has been using them. If you see your child using another adult "against" you I think it is important to be kind, but informative about RAD. Give them information on RAD in a short paragraph explaining about triangulation. I also let the person know we are working very hard at building an attachment with our child. When he believes the child's words about us and tries to build a "special" bond with them it weakens the attachment at home. They need to keep a professional but friendly relationship with the child.

Discipline: Traditional discipline does not work. Contracts, rewards systems and sticker charts are generally ineffective for a child who does not have cause and effect thinking and places no value on material things. There are some very helpful tips about school at attachment.org and attachmentdisorder.net

Homework: Is our child's job. We have a desk, a cupboard full of supplies and a time set for homework. They sit there for the specific amount of time. You need to decide what is appropriate for your child's age and development level. I do not believe in making a grade school child sit for an entire evening until it is done. I give a specific amount of time for the assignment and when the time is up they get up done or not. They can deal with the consequences at school. It eliminates power struggles and gives the child some time to unwind and do other things.

Pretending not to know: This is a tricky one. Kids with RAD love this game. "I don't know how to do it" means the adults will jump through the hoops to help and they sometimes don't have to do a thing but sit there and look sad. The trick is that sometimes they really don't know, but most often they do. I will explain a topic carefully for one or two problems and then it is up to them. If they still say they don't know they have to sit for the allotted time and then they can ask the teacher the next day. This one is a tough call.

Peer relationships: Our kids often seek out the trouble kids to "play with" at recess. It was only when our kids started healing they had a desire to change this. Now the problem is learning to make friends with emotionally healthy kids. This is discouraging to them and needs lots of role playing of different situations such as standing in line, taking turns, etc.

IEP: If your child is not in special ed I believe requesting an IEP (Individual Education Plan) is important. Our children were tested and are in special ed as Other Health Impaired due to ADHD. This gives them a resource room to go to when they fall apart emotionally. They sometimes go there when there is a test and they can't focus or get help when they can't get their brains to slow down enough to do the work.

Also check out: http://www.specialeducation4families.com/

All other ideas and comments are welcome! Have a healing weekend!

Triangulation

We are back from a 4th of July weekend with family. Bear was big on triangulation this weekend. He did his best to snuggle up to relatives, be cute and funny. When I explained privately to the relatives they were very supportive as always and replied they didn't know. I am so blessed to have my family and in laws who trust Chris and my own judgment. I know not all of you have that. It was still a pretty tough weekend for Bear. He obviously felt very anxious much of the time. He was very loud and awkward in front of the other teens. When with me he would walk up and announce that some adult relative had given him permission to do something. I would tell him that I am his mom and have the final say and would discuss which ever activity he wanted to do and let him know if he could. Holidays and change in routine are tough on our kids. I'm glad to be home.

Thanks to Rick at Organized Doodles for the above artwork. I would like to add a PS in answer to Rick's comment about it being no holiday. For those of us who live with children damaged by trauma it is all relative....because of good therapists I have found ways to care for myself in each situation. One afternoon Chris and I went on a walk down a country road. One afternoon I went and sat in the porch swing with my sil and chatted. While the kids and my husband went out in the boat I walked across the park. My bil burnt me a hot dog just the way I like it for supper without me even asking. Enjoying the little things is the key to having a holiday be a holiday when it might not be a holiday : )

Triangulation of Adults

I believe this is a very serious symptom to be dealt with immediately. It can cause serious problems in a marriage, in families and between friends. It will cause problems between mom and schools. The child with RAD, the mom and one other person make up the triangle. The child works very hard to make this other person think mom does not know what she is doing, that she is unfair and harsh. They know how to stir the pot until eventually the fighting is between mom and someone else and they are standing off to the side with a big smile on their face. Refuse to let this happen. You and your spouse need to talk about it. Chris and I sat down with our boys on more than one occasion and said "We are team. You cannot come in between us. We know what we are doing and we will always back each other up." This really took care of a lot of it. They still occasionally come to one of us to "tell" on the other. I say "Are you telling on your dad? Let's go talk to him about it." This of course is met with a NOOOOOOOOOOOO. With teachers you also need a unified front. There are friends, family and teachers that will never understand RAD nor what you are doing. You have to let that be ok, try to educate and if they refuse just accept that this relationship is different now. Limit your time with this person. Spend time with people who will build you up and give you support. Focus on the positive uplifting people who either really "get" RAD or at least are trying hard to get it. Most of all focus on your relationship with your spouse. Time with him has to be first above all other people and the RAD child cannot dominate so much of your time that you don't have time for healthy relationships. Don't let your child shut you off from others. One of the best ways to have strength for this battle is to build strong support. Start with your spouse. Go out on a date and don't talk about RAD!!!