Schooling the RADilicious child

After thinking about school for a couple of days I think I'll just give some basic tips on how we have handled different problems that have come up with our kids. If I don't hit on a topic that you need info on please let me know. If I don't know I bet another mom who reads here does and will be glad to help. That's how you all are. : ) I will also continue to sneak in photos of our anniversary trip!!

Triangulation: Over the years our boys have chosen a teacher or para to "befriend". They really play up to this one person and are sweet and very manipulative. They make sure to discuss how mean we are, we will not help them with their homework, we ignore them, have no paper or pencils in our house....yada yada yada. This unsuspecting teacher or para totally falls for it. The sad thing is that sooner or later our child will turn on them and they will be shocked to find the child is not attached to them at all but has been using them. If you see your child using another adult "against" you I think it is important to be kind, but informative about RAD. Give them information on RAD in a short paragraph explaining about triangulation. I also let the person know we are working very hard at building an attachment with our child. When he believes the child's words about us and tries to build a "special" bond with them it weakens the attachment at home. They need to keep a professional but friendly relationship with the child.

Discipline: Traditional discipline does not work. Contracts, rewards systems and sticker charts are generally ineffective for a child who does not have cause and effect thinking and places no value on material things. There are some very helpful tips about school at attachment.org and attachmentdisorder.net

Homework: Is our child's job. We have a desk, a cupboard full of supplies and a time set for homework. They sit there for the specific amount of time. You need to decide what is appropriate for your child's age and development level. I do not believe in making a grade school child sit for an entire evening until it is done. I give a specific amount of time for the assignment and when the time is up they get up done or not. They can deal with the consequences at school. It eliminates power struggles and gives the child some time to unwind and do other things.

Pretending not to know: This is a tricky one. Kids with RAD love this game. "I don't know how to do it" means the adults will jump through the hoops to help and they sometimes don't have to do a thing but sit there and look sad. The trick is that sometimes they really don't know, but most often they do. I will explain a topic carefully for one or two problems and then it is up to them. If they still say they don't know they have to sit for the allotted time and then they can ask the teacher the next day. This one is a tough call.

Peer relationships: Our kids often seek out the trouble kids to "play with" at recess. It was only when our kids started healing they had a desire to change this. Now the problem is learning to make friends with emotionally healthy kids. This is discouraging to them and needs lots of role playing of different situations such as standing in line, taking turns, etc.

IEP: If your child is not in special ed I believe requesting an IEP (Individual Education Plan) is important. Our children were tested and are in special ed as Other Health Impaired due to ADHD. This gives them a resource room to go to when they fall apart emotionally. They sometimes go there when there is a test and they can't focus or get help when they can't get their brains to slow down enough to do the work.

Also check out: http://www.specialeducation4families.com/

All other ideas and comments are welcome! Have a healing weekend!

Poor Peer Relationships

This one is mystifying to me. Why is it that kids who can read you like a book, manipulate you and know exactly what will set you off have no idea how to relate to people in a positive way? They are masters at poor relationships but clueless on positive relationships. First of all, they never learned to read facial expressions. They did not receive the one on one face to face time that a healthy infant receives. They do not catch inflections or tones in the voice. So they cannot tell if someone is becoming irritated. I have stopped my boys many times when they were teasing and irritating someone. They were completely baffled because they thought they were just playing. They do not know how to have a conversation because they are used to lying and nonsense chatter. They have no cause and effect thinking so they cheat in games, call kids names and push and shove. In class they blurt out because they are impulsive. Look at the symptoms to the right of this post and see if those are the qualities you look for in a friend. If they have not made that basic connection with mom they cannot connect with anyone else. So while I do give my boys pointers on talking with and relating to other people. I think the real key is working on their relationship with me. Make faces that show different emotions and have them guess which one it is. Then have them do the same. Use your voice to say the same sentence with different inflections and have them guess what you are feeling. Practice conversation. Explain how their behaviors effect other children. All of these things may help some. The relationship with mom is the key to all other relationships. Work on building a feeling of love, trust and safety first of all.