End of school year RAD

The end of the school year is always EXPLOSIVE at our house. Always. I worked as para in our grade school off and on over the years and May is tough. The kids are excited about summer vacation. It is hard to keep them on task with the sun shining and the outdoors whispering their names over their books. They are talkative and many are ornery and hyper. A child with RAD feeds off this energy and takes it several steps further. Here are a few things we do to help.

Regular bedtimes: As the days get longer it gets tempting to let the kids stay outside later to play. A regular bedtime routine gives them enough sleep and the structure they need.

Healthy foods: Try to avoid sugar and a lot of processed foods.

Down time: Have time at home where they sit or lay down to read, do puzzles or some quiet activity.

Homework: Have a quiet place for homework at a scheduled time. If they refuse to do it do not become emotionally involved. I just tell mine that it is their decision they will sit there the allotted time. Do not get sucked into drama. Stay calm and let it be their problem.

Teachers: We start getting a barrage of calls. I support the teachers as much as I can but I cannot make my child behave at school.

Fun times: Right now it is hard to do fun activities at home because of the level of hyperactivity. Outdoor activities like walks, basketball or picnics seem to work the best.

Remember school will be over soon. Do not say or do anything that will damage your relationship with your child. It just isn't worth it. At the same time they should not be walking all over the family. If need be give them a nap time to rest until they can compose themselves or extra chores to burn off energy. Mine seem to love the rhythmic activities of raking, scrubbing floors or sweeping. Something about moving their arms back and forth seems to calm them.

When their behaviors escalate remember to care for the caregiver more intensely at well. They can wear you down. Have a healing day!

School

It is time to start thinking about school again. The school supplies are going on sale. I've started thinking about clothes. Our school starts August 14th. One month! My son with RAD had his IEP (Individual Education Plan) at the end of school last year. If your child is in special ed he/she has an annual IEP to decide how the last year went and make a plan for the coming year. The parents are included in this meeting. If you think your child could benefit from special ed whether because of academics or behavior you start by requesting testing. Our boys did fine on the testing but qualified for services as Other Health Impaired due to ADHD. Check out the rules for your state on line under the states education site. Bear also had a neuropscyh evaluation during the time of his IEP so there will need to be some revisions. I need to make a copy of the results of his evaluation, highlight areas where change is needed and get it to his case manager. I want to remind you there are several sites with information for teachers. I wouldn't bombard the teachers with more than they can read but some information is good. Those who are interested will read it. Here is some info for you.

http://www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com/school.htm If you click on "school" at the left there is also a link for behavior and for interventions.

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/helpforteachers.htm If you scroll down a little there are several school related articles. If you click on "school" at the left there is a link for IEP ideas, alternative education, and an overview for teachers.

http://www.attachment.org/pages_teachers.php Nancy Thomas' site. On the left are a list of related articles.

Going back to school can provide new stresses. I feel I need to prepare. Each year I put the child's teacher's email addresses into my contact list. I put them under the child's name. If he will be gone from school on Weds for an appointment I can just type in his name and an email requesting homework goes out to all of his teachers. If he starts a new medication and I want them to watch for side effects I can do the same. This has saved me a lot of time.

I also work hard and building a positive relationship with the teachers. I try to present myself as being on their team. I am here to help my child learn and assist them in whatever ways I can as long as they keep me informed as to what needs to happen. School ultimately is our child's job though. They need to be responsible for their own homework, letting me know about supplies, etc. If they do not do them they must deal with the consequences. I refuse to force homework to be done. If they refuse to do it they will deal with it. I tell the teachers very nicely that I told them to do their homework but they would not. This is how life will be as an adult. Their boss will not beg, bribe or yell at them to do their work. They will do it or get fired. You may feel differently about homework but this is what works best for us. Otherwise it becomes a control issue and we have enough of those already. I will not further damage my relationship with our child over school work. For those of you who home school, I don't know enough about it to share tips but if you have any you would like to share with each other please leave comments for one another.

Field Trip

My freshmen sons have a field trip to World's of Fun in Kansas City today. I can hear the alarms going off in the teacher's head about my son. Funny, same alarms I hear. I received 2 emails of concern and signed a contract stating consequences if he didn't follow the rules. He had a rough day yesterday but I feel it was behavior following an effective attachment therapy session rather than end of school behavior. In art, they were up doing things. Someone used his chair. This set him off in a pretty loud, angry way, I guess. They are on the bus and gone for the day. My thoughts will be on them. Prayers will be said. His day has to be his though. He will have to deal with whatever consequences come along with behavior. When he gets home if I hear from a teacher my reaction will have to be: I support your actions. To him I will just have to say either "I'm glad you had fun or 'bummer'." It is HIS day not mine. My youngest has quit working and the grades are falling. I assure him they are his grades that reflect on him, not on me and that if he feels those are grades he wants, so be it. I also talk with him often about "air line pilot grades" or "lawn mowing" grades. When he grows up he wants to be a pilot. I tell him his grades now will help him get where he wants. Or he will not do the work and will mow people's lawns. The choices must be theirs. I have a college group interview today for the master's program. My own field trip! : )

RAD and the end of school

I think most of the moms of RAD children would agree this last month of school is a nightmare. The average child is about ready to explode and is ready for summer. Our kids not only feed off of this negative energy but they take full advantage of tired frustrated teachers. They can detect fatigue and indecision from a mile away. I have always found it fascinating they are so in touch with every ones negative emotions and can read them so well. They do not ready positive happy emotions correctly most of the time. They do not have the empathy for that. The negative emotions they have learned to read for survival. So how do you get through this last few weeks of school without pulling out your hair?

1. Keep your schedule the "same" as much as you can.

Bedtimes, meals, chores and other activities need to feel "the same" to them.

2. Spend extra time with them one on one.

Whether it is at the end of the day rubbing their backs and talking about how hard it is. Empathise with how difficult it is to stay in control but assure them they can do it and you believe in them. Comfort them. They are sad or afraid. It just looks like anger. Let them know you are glad you are their mom. If you don't feel it, fake it til you make it.

3. Food

Keep it as healthy as you can.

Really limit the junk food, sugars, dyes and preservatives as much as you can during this time.

4. Atmosphere

Do your best to create a quiet atmosphere at home. Play Mozart softly. Turn off the tv and play a quiet board game, read books.

5. Exercise

They need to have time and a way to burn off energy. Whether it is taking them to the Y for free swim, playing basketball, going for a walk, jumping on the mini tramp - they need to release the stress.

6. therapy

Make sure they are seeing the attachment therapist during this time if you see the stress building. Even if they have not needed to go for awhile, they may need to go for the next month to get through this.

7. Let school be THEIR job

Don't get to hung up on making them do their work. You can't. I tell mine "This is the assignment. You choose what grades you want. It will be a bummer if you don't pass but you can choose." I do give consequences for bad grades. That is how the real world will work.

8. When they are in trouble.


Whether it be detention or suspension or for whatever reason you are notified stay calm. Listen to their side in a matter of fact manner. Listen to the teachers side ( or principal) I choose to support what the school has to say about my boys because I have seen how wonderful they have been with my other 3. Once again, make it their problem. "I am sorry you chose this. Now you will have to accept whatever consequence Mr. He's Right gives you." And let it go. Mine blame me. They yell about how unfair everyone is. It is not their fault. They are all a bunch of liars. Let it go. A "bummer" now and then or "I hope that works out for you" thrown in are all you need.

9. Take care of yourself.

When my boys step up the behavior I step up the need for taking care of myself. You cannot parent if you are burned out, worn out and exhausted. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise and find time for fun. Go play.

Remember this will pass. Summer will be here soon. But then, that is another whole blog, isn't it?