Real Mom

Theresa posted this yesterday and I thought it was so good I asked her if I could copy it. Give her a visit at:We May Not Have It All Together, But Together We Have It All

"I think I've posted this before, about what to do/say when an adopted child continues to tell you that you are not their REAL mom (and, like with all ideas, you'd have to use it for your child only as sees fit for you, your family, your child and situation)......BUT, I had one son who used this a lot. Finally, we had a conversation that went a bit like this:Son: "I'm not going to school today and you can't make me because you're not my real mom!"Me: OHHHH....I get it. You mean I'm not your VAGINA mom! Thank you for reminding me about that - I'm so glad you came to me a different way and not from my VAGINA...you know, it really hurts to have a baby through your vagina. See, the baby's head is really big and doesn't fit through the opening in the vagina until the mom pushes and pushes, and sometimes it rips her skin and......Son: "That's disgusting! Stop talking about that!! I'm going to school...." Depending on the needs of the child, it wouldn't be an appropriate response for every one....but in this case, it worked just fine.Sometimes I will make a silly comment like "Well, I'm not a plastic mom and I'm not an aluminum foil mom and I'm not a styrofoam mom....guess I MUST be a real mom!" Sometimes I offer to let them touch me to see if I'm real. I usually get eye rolls.....but we move on. Feign surprise. As if it's the first time you are realizing you did not grow this child in your belly.Oppositely, act like that's the dumbest thing you've heard in a while - "Why are you telling me that? You think I didn't already KNOW that you didn't grow in my belly? I WAS there for your adoption - remember? I'm pretty aware of how we came to be related. But thanks for making sure I'm still in the loop here!"Or - "You mean I'm not your BIRTH mom? You're right. I think that makes you a pretty cool kid - you get to have TWO moms. Not everyone gets two moms - your birth mom AND me!" Or - "I'm not your birth mom - but I AM your mom. You can decide some things, but you can't tell ME who *I* am - and, to me, I'm your mom. Another thing I know for sure is that I love you more than any mom ever loved any kid." (Add a "so there!" at the end, for extra emphasis....lol)Some moms opt for the touchier-feelier comments like "You didn't grow in my belly; you grew in my heart." There is a place for all that - but I haven't found that it's the right answer for any of my kids right when they're trying to fight with me about something...Whenever there is a "real mom" comment, I think there is usually some internal conflict to their feelings of loyalty or love or betrayal with their birth mom comingled with whatever message they are trying to give to their other mother here. I always try to make sure that they understand that I am NOT in competition with their birth mom and that I actually approve of their remembering and honoring their birth mom - even in the worst of situations, most kids have loyalty and/or identity issues - and what we can always agree on, if nothing else, is that I am glad she gave birth to this child - that act alone has blessed my life. Honor their past. Honor their birth family. Honor ALL that your child is. Without it, I rarely find a child to make any progress in healing at all...... "