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Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Friday, September 24, 2010
Personalized Parenting
I have 5 kids. 5 personalities. 5 precious souls. Over the years one line I became very tired of was "Does your child have any social activities?" Yes. My 3 emotionally healthy children had what I felt was a healthy balance of activities including church activities, soccer, dance, swim team, swim lessons depending on the person and the age. We tried every activity known to mankind for my two with RAD. They were kicked off, got in fights, bullied other kids, broke things....it was horrible. I finally thought. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Just because other people think my kids need to be in these things does that mean it is what they need right now? It really gave them many many opportunities to fail. To alienate other kids and adults. It was truly horrible.
But they have come so far. Taz is actually taking Mixed Martial Arts. Yes. You heard me. It is perfect for him at this time in his life. I watched for the last 5 minutes. I only worried a tiny bit when I dropped him off about whether he was holding it together in class. He fit in perfectly. It gives him the rough physical activity he craves. He gets to learn to be aggressive in a good way. Would I EVER have a kid with RAD try this? NOOOO!!!!! Eight years ago he would have seen it as a chance to kick the you know what out of every kid in the class + the teacher. Is Teddy in this class. Uh Uh. No. He is still too angry. He has his art anyway. His art is still showing a lot of deep anguish. Good self expression. A little scary to look at. Plus we are working with Vocational Rehabilitation on job skills. Good organization!
My point today is...trust yourself...if social activities are too hard for you child then wait until they do some healing. Don't cave in to what others tell you. Trust your gut mama.
But they have come so far. Taz is actually taking Mixed Martial Arts. Yes. You heard me. It is perfect for him at this time in his life. I watched for the last 5 minutes. I only worried a tiny bit when I dropped him off about whether he was holding it together in class. He fit in perfectly. It gives him the rough physical activity he craves. He gets to learn to be aggressive in a good way. Would I EVER have a kid with RAD try this? NOOOO!!!!! Eight years ago he would have seen it as a chance to kick the you know what out of every kid in the class + the teacher. Is Teddy in this class. Uh Uh. No. He is still too angry. He has his art anyway. His art is still showing a lot of deep anguish. Good self expression. A little scary to look at. Plus we are working with Vocational Rehabilitation on job skills. Good organization!
My point today is...trust yourself...if social activities are too hard for you child then wait until they do some healing. Don't cave in to what others tell you. Trust your gut mama.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Healing RAD
I know I haven't written much about dealing with and working on RAD lately. It is because I am seeing very few RAD behaviors. Both of our boys are doing well. We spent the day at a swim meet yesterday. In the past that would have meant the boys would fight, complain and glare at me almost constantly. We'd separate them but then one would go to the bathroom and never come back. The other would need to go and if we let them they'd find each other and fight. I swear there are some type of magnets inside that draw them together. Trauma magnets.
But yesterday they just sat there quietly. They brought along hand held games and books as usual but this time they actually used them. I remember no complaints. I did not see one arguement or fight, not even in the car. Dancer and I ran and got Jimmy Johns. They ate their meals. Well, Taz did complain a little on that one I guess, but normal kid stuff.
Never lose hope. Taz was 12 and Teddy was 15 when we went to attachment therapy. Teddy has only begun showing signs of healing since age 17. If any one tells you your child cannot heal because they are older, do not listen.
Never, never, never quit. Loving eyes, gentle voice, empathy and loving appropriate touch.....consistency, regulate yourself before trying to regulate them, take care of your own body and soul...You can do this.
But yesterday they just sat there quietly. They brought along hand held games and books as usual but this time they actually used them. I remember no complaints. I did not see one arguement or fight, not even in the car. Dancer and I ran and got Jimmy Johns. They ate their meals. Well, Taz did complain a little on that one I guess, but normal kid stuff.
Never lose hope. Taz was 12 and Teddy was 15 when we went to attachment therapy. Teddy has only begun showing signs of healing since age 17. If any one tells you your child cannot heal because they are older, do not listen.
Never, never, never quit. Loving eyes, gentle voice, empathy and loving appropriate touch.....consistency, regulate yourself before trying to regulate them, take care of your own body and soul...You can do this.
Monday, November 23, 2009
How about that Taz?
My child who had RAD couldn't bare to throw his old bed spread in the trash. He went out to the trash can and was gone for quite awhile. He finally came back and says "I couldn't do it."
Taz has never cared about possessions. When he was little his toys would be broken within the day of getting them. He breaks many of our things. He has had his possessions repeatedly taken from him with his many moves by age 3 and felt he and nothing he owned was of value.
It is very touching to me to see this softeness in him. It is a sign of healing as it is so different then he has been in the past.
Taz has never cared about possessions. When he was little his toys would be broken within the day of getting them. He breaks many of our things. He has had his possessions repeatedly taken from him with his many moves by age 3 and felt he and nothing he owned was of value.
It is very touching to me to see this softeness in him. It is a sign of healing as it is so different then he has been in the past.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Teddy Bear
In my side bar it describes Bear as our child that we are hoping will some day turn into a Teddy Bear. The day has come! I have almost given up hope so many times. No.....I have given up hope many times. After our incident last Friday night life has been different here. I feel I can honestly say he has taken that first huge step toward me. I had class last night and didn't get home until 11:40. All were sound asleep. This morning he came out of his room with a small picture of me he had drawn with the note "I love you mom" written on the side. He started to hug me and hesitated. Of course, I hugged him and said thank you.....I was stunned. He has done several things that stunned me over the last few days.
He has always kept sharp objects in his room. He makes them out of a variety of objects and hides them. I periodically do a search and just quietly throw them out. I feel unsafe with them in there. Back when he was in attachment therapy I took one of the objects once to discuss with our therapist. Bear stated that he has them to keep safe. He does not feel safe. He fears people coming into his room at night, robbers. So he makes the objects to protect himself. Because of his explosive temper I fear in a moment of rage they will be used on one of us. These weapons are very important to him though, in feeling safe and so he hides them.
A couple of nights ago he came upstairs and said "I need to show you something". He had a broken end of an old knife hidden in a coin purse. I told my husband it was so old and rusty it probably couldn't cut bread. He said "You didn't know I had this so I felt I should show you it and ask you if it is OK if I have it." THIS IS HUGE. I told him that I was glad he showed me it. I felt he was mature enough to decide what he wants to do with it himself. I felt with him taking this beg step of trust I could give him some trust back. It helped that it was not very sharp, to be honest.
Never, never, never quit. Having a child begin to heal from RAD at 17 is a tough road....it is possible.
He has always kept sharp objects in his room. He makes them out of a variety of objects and hides them. I periodically do a search and just quietly throw them out. I feel unsafe with them in there. Back when he was in attachment therapy I took one of the objects once to discuss with our therapist. Bear stated that he has them to keep safe. He does not feel safe. He fears people coming into his room at night, robbers. So he makes the objects to protect himself. Because of his explosive temper I fear in a moment of rage they will be used on one of us. These weapons are very important to him though, in feeling safe and so he hides them.
A couple of nights ago he came upstairs and said "I need to show you something". He had a broken end of an old knife hidden in a coin purse. I told my husband it was so old and rusty it probably couldn't cut bread. He said "You didn't know I had this so I felt I should show you it and ask you if it is OK if I have it." THIS IS HUGE. I told him that I was glad he showed me it. I felt he was mature enough to decide what he wants to do with it himself. I felt with him taking this beg step of trust I could give him some trust back. It helped that it was not very sharp, to be honest.
Never, never, never quit. Having a child begin to heal from RAD at 17 is a tough road....it is possible.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Non RAD IEP
I just came from Taz's IEP. If your child is not involved is special education that is the Individual Education Plan. Kids in Special Ed have them once a year to evaluate how the child is progressing, discuss any changes that might need to be made and then make a plan for the year ahead. It is not a school year but a calendar year from the last IEP. Every three years they do all the testing and evaluating to see if there are any changes.
This is the first year that Reactive Attachment Disorder was not discussed in his IEP meeting. Not once. He has some behaviors, blurting out, rude remarks, not always doing homework. He has all Bs with one A. Is this the same kid???????? It was by far the most positive IEP we have ever had.
The reason I am telling you this is that a few years ago this is a child who spent most of his time in the self contained room because of his rages. They would have to put him in the time out room where he would scream and kick and have a fit. He would refuse to come inside the building if he went out. He would hide under tables. He would not sit down. He would do very little work. He was in physical fights with other kids.
Never lose hope of healing. Do I think we will never have any of the above problems again? No. That would be naive. The old fears creep back from time to time. But they are short lived and are fewer and further between. Healing is taking place in Taz's life every day and I pray you see it in your child too.
Remember: Empathy, loving eyes, gentle touch, sweet food to their lips from your hands, keep yourself calm (Allie I did not use the R word just for you) and keep the boundaries tight so they learn to feel safe and loved. Its tough work but you can do it and then they will too!
Have a healing day!
This is the first year that Reactive Attachment Disorder was not discussed in his IEP meeting. Not once. He has some behaviors, blurting out, rude remarks, not always doing homework. He has all Bs with one A. Is this the same kid???????? It was by far the most positive IEP we have ever had.
The reason I am telling you this is that a few years ago this is a child who spent most of his time in the self contained room because of his rages. They would have to put him in the time out room where he would scream and kick and have a fit. He would refuse to come inside the building if he went out. He would hide under tables. He would not sit down. He would do very little work. He was in physical fights with other kids.
Never lose hope of healing. Do I think we will never have any of the above problems again? No. That would be naive. The old fears creep back from time to time. But they are short lived and are fewer and further between. Healing is taking place in Taz's life every day and I pray you see it in your child too.
Remember: Empathy, loving eyes, gentle touch, sweet food to their lips from your hands, keep yourself calm (Allie I did not use the R word just for you) and keep the boundaries tight so they learn to feel safe and loved. Its tough work but you can do it and then they will too!
Have a healing day!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Holding onto Hope
There are a couple of websites with great stories of hope. I want to share them and then share once again our story about Taz.
Click on these websites if you ever need some inspiration for parenting a child with RAD!
Center for Family Development
Families by Design (Nancy Thomas)~Look at the column on the left. About half way down begin articles of hope.
"I thought I'd share what recovery has looked like for youngest. Life is so much better for him and with him. This is a child who was so angry we wondered how much longer he would be safe with us. He ripped apart every piece of furniture in his room. Tore up his blinds. Pulled off wood work. Tore holes in walls. He was suspended 5 times last year for fighting at school. He was getting D's and F's on his grade card. He was in my face, calling me names, degrading and attempting to humiliate me many times a day.
So what happened? The combination of attachment therapy and EMDR therapy were nothing short of miraculous with him. He apparently had not separated me from his birth mom in his mind at all. One day in EMDR therapy she was talking about what his life was like as a baby. This was not new. Suddenly on this day my son started talking about all the good things we had done today and ways I had taken care of him when he was younger. He looked at me startled. His features softened and you could see realization on his face. Life has not been the same. His grades are up. He is a happier and much more successful person. He has a great relationship with me which I enjoy very much.
As for the tunes ups. Stress from school or home will set him back somewhat. He will become more emotional, a little more angry, and disrespectful and I know it is time for him to see the Attachment Therapist again. The reason I am sharing this story is to offer hope. For you mom's out there struggling every day, take care of yourselves. You are smart enough, strong enough and very capable of handling the situation. Get professional help involved, seek out the support of strong friends and do something each day to refresh yourself."
I copied and pasted the above from an old post about Taz. To update you even further he is now on a medication that is helping tremendously. It has nothing to do with RAD however. Once he began to show signs of trusting and loving me it was clear something was still wrong. He has such physical clumsiness and super ADHD even though on a large dose of Concerta. It is out of control without the Concerta so don't bother suggesting he go off. He is taking medication that is used for people who have had a closed traumatic brain injury and it is effective. This is not known but he had the symptoms and so his doctor decided to give it a try.
Never, never, never quit.
Click on these websites if you ever need some inspiration for parenting a child with RAD!
Center for Family Development
Families by Design (Nancy Thomas)~Look at the column on the left. About half way down begin articles of hope.
"I thought I'd share what recovery has looked like for youngest. Life is so much better for him and with him. This is a child who was so angry we wondered how much longer he would be safe with us. He ripped apart every piece of furniture in his room. Tore up his blinds. Pulled off wood work. Tore holes in walls. He was suspended 5 times last year for fighting at school. He was getting D's and F's on his grade card. He was in my face, calling me names, degrading and attempting to humiliate me many times a day.
So what happened? The combination of attachment therapy and EMDR therapy were nothing short of miraculous with him. He apparently had not separated me from his birth mom in his mind at all. One day in EMDR therapy she was talking about what his life was like as a baby. This was not new. Suddenly on this day my son started talking about all the good things we had done today and ways I had taken care of him when he was younger. He looked at me startled. His features softened and you could see realization on his face. Life has not been the same. His grades are up. He is a happier and much more successful person. He has a great relationship with me which I enjoy very much.
As for the tunes ups. Stress from school or home will set him back somewhat. He will become more emotional, a little more angry, and disrespectful and I know it is time for him to see the Attachment Therapist again. The reason I am sharing this story is to offer hope. For you mom's out there struggling every day, take care of yourselves. You are smart enough, strong enough and very capable of handling the situation. Get professional help involved, seek out the support of strong friends and do something each day to refresh yourself."
I copied and pasted the above from an old post about Taz. To update you even further he is now on a medication that is helping tremendously. It has nothing to do with RAD however. Once he began to show signs of trusting and loving me it was clear something was still wrong. He has such physical clumsiness and super ADHD even though on a large dose of Concerta. It is out of control without the Concerta so don't bother suggesting he go off. He is taking medication that is used for people who have had a closed traumatic brain injury and it is effective. This is not known but he had the symptoms and so his doctor decided to give it a try.
Never, never, never quit.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
RADical healing
I will add material about the attachment seminar to the end of the post. It is important information and part of what brought us to this point. I can't tell you what a whirl wind of emotion I have been feeling since yesterday: excitement, relief, thankfulness. The one thing I do not really feel is fear. I believe it is because I saw this same process in Taz and I see it repeating itself in exactly the same way in Bear. So I know that once they take a couple of big steps in healing it is lasting and will even improve beyond this point. There will be regressions. Those are too be expected. Certain situations bring back up the fear. I hope this encourages those of you who are tired and battle worn. Never, never, never quit.
As you know children with RAD are stuck in a sea of grief and trauma. Living in fear and sadness. This is information from the Wesselmann/Bruckner Seminar on how the trauma plays out.
" A child enters the world ready to trust, love, and bond with his mother. When the bond is broken the cycle of trust is broken. The birth parent starts the cycle of mistrust and the present parent is at risk to fall into the same cycle. When the present parent intervenes to meet the need, the past trauma of not having needs met is triggered, creating overwhelming feelings of fear and anger. The need for control is based in the instinctual need to feel safe.
When a child has experienced recurrent trauma in the attachment relationships he lives in a world of mistrust and fear. In his attempts to survive and feel safe, he appears to reject love, yet he wants that love desperately. This confusion creates an environment of sadness and fear for all involved. Self hatred, self doubt shame, fear, anger, hurt, envy ALONE are words that describe the feelings of a child with RAD. The world becomes a dangerous place, love is to be feared, relationships mean abandonment, and feelings are to be avoided. Children's fears often become manifested in behaviors that are provoking and even frightening to caregivers and professionals alike."
I think the value in learning this material is that it helps us see the world through our child's eyes. It helps us to see their pain instead of the anger. Very important in parenting them. Have a healing day.
As you know children with RAD are stuck in a sea of grief and trauma. Living in fear and sadness. This is information from the Wesselmann/Bruckner Seminar on how the trauma plays out.
" A child enters the world ready to trust, love, and bond with his mother. When the bond is broken the cycle of trust is broken. The birth parent starts the cycle of mistrust and the present parent is at risk to fall into the same cycle. When the present parent intervenes to meet the need, the past trauma of not having needs met is triggered, creating overwhelming feelings of fear and anger. The need for control is based in the instinctual need to feel safe.
When a child has experienced recurrent trauma in the attachment relationships he lives in a world of mistrust and fear. In his attempts to survive and feel safe, he appears to reject love, yet he wants that love desperately. This confusion creates an environment of sadness and fear for all involved. Self hatred, self doubt shame, fear, anger, hurt, envy ALONE are words that describe the feelings of a child with RAD. The world becomes a dangerous place, love is to be feared, relationships mean abandonment, and feelings are to be avoided. Children's fears often become manifested in behaviors that are provoking and even frightening to caregivers and professionals alike."
I think the value in learning this material is that it helps us see the world through our child's eyes. It helps us to see their pain instead of the anger. Very important in parenting them. Have a healing day.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
RAD miracles do happen.
Bear: Could I talk to you about some things mom? (never asks this)
Me: Sure.
Bear, with shaking voice: I've been thinking about my life and it is really a mess. Can you help me fix it? I need your help.
Me: Of course Bear. All you need to do is open your heart and let me in.
Bear: I am mom. I love you. Sobbing. Giving a big real hug.
Me. Sobbing. Giving a real big hug.
Lots of sobbing. Lots of hugging.
Bear: Mom your choking me. I can't breathe.
Me: Sorry Bear.
It has been 10 long hellish years. Healing has begun. It is real. It is deep.
Me: Sure.
Bear, with shaking voice: I've been thinking about my life and it is really a mess. Can you help me fix it? I need your help.
Me: Of course Bear. All you need to do is open your heart and let me in.
Bear: I am mom. I love you. Sobbing. Giving a big real hug.
Me. Sobbing. Giving a real big hug.
Lots of sobbing. Lots of hugging.
Bear: Mom your choking me. I can't breathe.
Me: Sorry Bear.
It has been 10 long hellish years. Healing has begun. It is real. It is deep.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
RADical healing
Now mind you Taz has his problems. But healing is taking place. This last week at school was Red Week. Say No to Drugs. One of the days they passed out these red bracelets. Somehow Taz ended up with two. He said "Mom do you want one? Then we can look the same." He made this cutsie pleading face. A year and a half ago this child was an angry, aggressive, destructive wild thing. Now he wants to wear a bracelet like mom. They can heal. Keep doing the theraputic parenting and never lose hope.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Warm Fuzzies
Yesterday during school the phone rang. It was Fish. He had trouble with a couple of quizzes. He just needed to talk to mom because he was feeling a little down. He is an excellent student and takes his grades very seriously. Having a child with RAD can be a little tough on mom's moral. It is nice when another child calls and lets me know hearing my voice can help. I do love being a mom to all my kids. It is good to get reminders now and then.
Taz could be a great student if he would apply even a tiny pinky of his brain power. I am amazed at his memory. After being told by teachers last night at parent teacher conferences that he needs to study for tests he did not bring home a book needed to study for a test tomorrow. I told him he needed to stay home this evening and he would not have TV. He was angry, pouted, and stomped around all evening. At bedtime I told him it was OK if he was angry with me. I love him too much too let him get by with not doing his work. I expect him to get good grades. If he felt he needed to punish me or get even with me for doing that it is fine. It would not stop me from loving him and doing the right thing. He was trying to look tough and angry. I could see his shoulders dropping and his eyes softening. He just can't keep RAD behavior and attitude for long any more no matter how he tries. I love healing. I have seen an angry, aggressive, defiant child heal from RAD. I know it is possible. I know this child loves me and enjoys me. (sometimes) I enjoy him too. As long as they are breathing there is hope.
Taz could be a great student if he would apply even a tiny pinky of his brain power. I am amazed at his memory. After being told by teachers last night at parent teacher conferences that he needs to study for tests he did not bring home a book needed to study for a test tomorrow. I told him he needed to stay home this evening and he would not have TV. He was angry, pouted, and stomped around all evening. At bedtime I told him it was OK if he was angry with me. I love him too much too let him get by with not doing his work. I expect him to get good grades. If he felt he needed to punish me or get even with me for doing that it is fine. It would not stop me from loving him and doing the right thing. He was trying to look tough and angry. I could see his shoulders dropping and his eyes softening. He just can't keep RAD behavior and attitude for long any more no matter how he tries. I love healing. I have seen an angry, aggressive, defiant child heal from RAD. I know it is possible. I know this child loves me and enjoys me. (sometimes) I enjoy him too. As long as they are breathing there is hope.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Where do we go from here?
I have so much had my 15 yo son with Rad on my mind the last few days. We ended or took a break from (not sure which) Attachment Therapy on Tuesday. I had decided a year ago I was going to devote a year to focusing mainly on the two boys with RAD and work on whatever it took to help them heal. During the year we saw regularly an Attachment therapist, and EMDR therapist, and a psychiatrist. We had a neuropsych evaluation done on the older one. We saw huge progress in the younger and he was able to quit going to all therapy. The older remained stuck in his past. Over a year has come and gone. I was not prepared to feel as emotionally drained at the end of the time as I was. I realize I need to have a more healthy balance. Going back to school is one way for me to do this. I also need to spend more time with my emotionally healthy children and my husband. I did try to do this during the last year but did really focus on the two boys. I am also saddened. I know the ability to deal with his horrible fears lies with him, not me or doctors. I am here if and when he is ready. He will be 16 at the end of this month. I can hear the clock ticking. RAD is hard on moms. We can pray for each other. Pray for our children. The ultimate gift we can give them is to love them as they are, without expecting love in return. Not all children will heal from RAD but many will. I so far have one of each. Finding a balance of being realistic and faith and hope is difficult. Regardless of what he does I must continue to do the healing theraputic mothering. It is what he needs. Have a healing day.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Hope
I'm taking my youngest in for what our "attachment therapist" calls a tune up. I thought I'd share what recovery has looked like for youngest. Life is so much better for him and with him. This is a child who was so angry we wondered how much longer he would be safe with us. He ripped apart every piece of furniture in his room. Tore up his blinds. Pulled off wood work. Tore holes in walls. He was suspended 5 times last year for fighting at school. He was getting D's and F's on his grade card. He was in my face, calling me names, degrading and attempting to humiliate me many times a day. So what happened? The combination of attachment therapy and EMDR therapy were nothing short of miraculous with him. He apparently had not separated me from his birth mom in his mind at all. One day in EMDR therapy she was talking about what his life was like as a baby. This was not new. Suddenly on this day my son started talking about all the good things we had done today and ways I had taken care of him when he was younger. He looked at me startled. His features softened and you could see realization on his face. Life has not been the same. His grades are up. He is a happier and much more successful person. He has a great relationship with me which I enjoy very much. As for the tunes ups. Stress from school or home will set him back somewhat. He will become more emotional, a little more angry, and disrespectful and I know it is time for him to see the Attachment Therapist again. The reason I am sharing this story is to offer hope. For you mom's out there struggling every day, take care of yourselves. You are smart enough, strong enough and very capable of handling the situation. Get professional help involved, seek out the support of strong friends and do something each day to refresh yourself.
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