Rolling with the Resistance

Children who have RAD are resistant.  Did that make you smile or roll your eyes? No kidding. They resist out of fear, mistrust, which comes out as defiance.

Therapists who use DDP use PACE to work with a resistant child and it will work for you too.

Playful
Accepting
Curious
Empathy

Playful:  Change the subject. Start talking about the dog, start doing some fun activity, get that brain out of the back (Flight, fight, freeze) mode and into the front of the brain with the logical thinking works. You might be surprised how easily they switch!

Example: When Taz is angry (reason doesn't matter) "Let's make some muffins". I keep muffin mixes in the cupboard that require few ingredients and he can make them easily with me along side. Or even "Look at that tree. Aren't those the most beautiful colors you have ever seen?"

Accepting: Accept whatever story your child gives you. Do not question or argue.  Roll with it.
Example: "I want to work at ___. It looks like the most fun place of all." After I have told him that place is too far from home. My response "It does look like fun." He stopped and moved on. He felt heard.

Curious:  "Could it be...... " come up with some possibilities of what "might" have  happened. Be gentle, curious and completely NOT sarcastic.  If they become defensive immediately repair.

Example: "He hit me first and I did not do anything to deserve it. So I hit him back. He did deserve it." The teacher has told you that when your child was out in baseball at recess that he walked up and punched someone on the other team who was standing off to the side.
FIRST Give the accepting response. "That must have been very upsetting. I know I'd be upset if he did that to me." "Could it be that you were really upset about getting out. Sometimes it is so hard to be out when you really want to make a point. It can make us have some big feelings that we don't know what to do with.

Child becomes angry and says "I said he hit me for no reason. I didn't do anything".
Parent: "I'm sorry if I brought those big feelings back up for you again. I hope you will forgive me."
Child: "It's OK. I might have been a little mad when I was out."
Parent:"I know I sometimes lose my temper when I am feeling sad.  Let's talk about how to handle that in away that makes you feel good about yourself."

This conversation can go back and forth for awhile with the curious parent/repairing the relationship. 

Last is
Empathy: "If this had happened to me I would have been so embarrassed (use the feeling you believe might fit your child. You are the expert on them). Some kids seem to be so good at sports and I know all of us wish we could be.. It is frustrating."

It is easy to fall back on the "What did you do? Don't lie to me." sort of mentality and it does not work with kids who feel so much shame/sadness/fear.

Give it a try. You might be happy with the results!

Have a healing day!

Discipline and RAD

Many of my thoughts today are just Brendaisms so take them for what they are worth. They are not professional opinions. Every family is different and you have to use what works for your kids. Remembering that our children are developmentally different then their chronological age is important. I believe that discipline should reflect that. They do not have cause and effect thinking. This is also important to remember. I believe that discipline of all children is to be done out of love and in a loving manner. Harsh, vindictive parenting is wrong for any child.

I also am big on Love & Logic Parenting. If you click on the link and then go to the bottom of the page and click on articles you will find hours of reading material.

So when my 16 year old son, who is internally 4-6, leaves the house and doesn't want to wear a coat I may say "The high today is going to be 46. I think this is just right for a jacket today." Then I leave the choice to him. He will learn more by going out in 46 degree weather without a coat and thinking "I should have listened" then by me forcing the issue. Would I do this with an actual 4-6 year old? No. I'd say "Go put on your jacket." With a 16 yo who is developmentally on level I generally would not say anything because they would check the temp for them selves.

Yesterday Bear smacked Taz. I had Bear come sit down next to me and miss the video they had been watching. He then began to try to pick verbally at me so I had him stand in the corner near me for awhile until he was ready to sit back down and try again.

Disciplining a child with RAD is tricky because they don't see us as loving. They see us a mean. It is so important that we give empathy when disciplining them.
Me: "I see you are really frustrated with Taz. I don't blame you for that. You need to use your words and talk with him and not hit."

Bear: "I tried talking to him and he won't listen."

Me:"It is still not ok to hit. Let's come up with some ways to handle it next time that would not end up with it becoming physical".

Then he needs to come up with a couple of choices. If he uses one of those choices next time something along the lines of

Me: "Bear I see you used the mature choice this time. I like to see you thinking things through and making mature decisions. That was a 16 yo way of handling it. Good job. Would you like to sit down and have some ice cream with me?"

This ties a reward to it without making it into a big deal. It also ties sugar, mom and sweetness to it which is important for kids with RAD.

I would also need to talk with Taz about what hewas doing and how he felt about it. He needs to come with some choices that would be fair as well. We generally allow very little tv so this might not be the best example. Feel free to share any ideas you have on discipline as it is such a difficult thing with children with RAD.

Discipline and RAD

Discipline means to lead or to guide. Leading or guiding a child with RAD is kind of like trying to lead or guide a wild untamed horse. It needs to be done gently and softly. Every see Horse Whisperer? Not a great movie to me but the message of gentlenss in training applies. We need to be child whisperers.

Consequences: Consequences in dealing with RAD can be ineffective. They have no cause and effect thinking. They can be sassy, mean and even aggressive and then ask pleasantly for a bowl of ice cream. I still believe consequences can be important because 1) if you have other children it would be unfair for them not too 2) in real life there are consequences, such: If you speed you get a ticket. If you don't do your job you may be fired. No one real cares if you "get it" or not. So they might as well find out there will be consequences. I very much believe in "Love and Logic" parenting. If you have not read the book by Foster Cline it is excellent for all children.

Punishment: I believe punishment is just vindictive and done to make the parent feel better. Don't punish. Discipline - lead or guide.

Beyond Consequences: I am no expert on it. I've read the book and watched the videos. I so appreciate the fact that they have the parent regulate themselves. Calm yourself before you discipline. Tell your child you need time. If they pursue you, as kids with RAD often do, when you are trying to isolate yourself let them know you are upset and they can have you talk to them and receive a consequence while you are angry or they can wait and give you time to think about it. Mine usually choose to wait. The only time this doesn't work is if the child is escalating and is losing physical control and there are other kids or pets around. Have the other kids leave the room and put the pets in another room and shut the door. Once you get yourself regulated then you can work on deescalating the child. Do not try to talk to them or consequence them while they are escalating. Wait awhile and talk to them quietly and gently. Let them know they are safe. You understand they are afraid. Be calm. BE CALM. oops sorry.