Defensiveness

I find that one of the things that really gets in my way is my own defensiveness. Teddy is always on the defensive himself. Always looking for danger. The world is his scary place.  So how does a person who thinks they are in grave danger behave? As though  their very lives are at risk.

He does not trust. He is angry because anger feels stronger than fear. He gives short sharp answers. Is sarcastic and unkind.

It is easy to become defensive myself.

Kind answers turn away wrath.  When Teddy makes himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he leaves a mess on the counter of crumbs and jelly.  Instead of rolling my eyes and saying something defense myself a simple, pleasant "Could you wash the counter when you are finished please?" Gives me back a pleasant "Sure."  Should I have to tell an 18 year old to clean up after himself? Probably not. But I can set the atmosphere in the house. 

The old adage "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." comes to mind. Don't feed the fear. Don't validate the feeling he is not safe.  Angry eyes, a set jaw and snappy answers do just that.

I find that in providing a healing home the biggest battle lies within me.

RAD anger

RAD anger can actually be pretty easily deflected. I'm not talking about a full blown rage here. But when your child is angry and throwing verbal daggers at everyone there are a couple of things that work for us.

One is changing the subject.  Think of the movie UP!



I have used something similar to this so many times. In the middle of a heated conversation. "What do you all want for dinner tonight?" "Look at that weird building" "I think Madison needs her nails trimmed" (dog)

OR make faces. Practice some really ugly ones in the mirror and make them at times of early escalation. If you wait to long it won't work. If you do it early on you might be surprised by the response!

Remember: When things get too tense. Release the squirrels!!!!

Have a healing day!

Best laid plans

Well now, wasn't yesterday's post nice? Bwahahahahahaha! We went out for lunch. I bought them new boots. We went to Movie Gallery and got DVDs. About half way through this process they let me know this was way to much closeness for them. We got home and I asked them to finish shoveling which erupted into screams of "YOU ARE SUCH A JERK" and "THIS IS WHY WE ARE ALWAYS MAD AT YOU". They do not get the idea of give and take relationships. They can not get their cup full. So....now that we have 18" of snow and are housebound we will have a quiet day. Mom will not be working on entertaining them today as she is exhausted from their words yesterday. So exhausted in fact that she may just work on Christmas cards, study for a final exam and take a little mini brain vacation. They are so afraid of closeness. So very afraid. Gentle touch, loving eyes. "I'm sorry Teddy. I'd love to take you out for lunch but I am so tired today from what happened yesterday I just can't do it." I'm not sure but I'm thinking that grout in the kitchen needs scrubbed. Does it look dirty to you?

Have a healing day!

Stop the madness!!

Some regression going on here. It is expected during the Christmas season. Doesn't make it much easier now does it. We went to Fish's first swim meet of the season last night. I stopped ahead and bought Subway before left. Part way through the meet Dad runs out and gets it out of the car. I know Teddy ALWAYS gets a ham and bacon with lettuce and tomato on Italian Parmesan. ALWAYS. He ate some nacho Doritos last time so that is what I bought this time....and a bottle of Sprite. He sat down and said these were the wrong chips. He started slamming things around. Hubby said "Move over to the side and eat." which put him about 5 feet away. He stomped down there and started screaming "I HATE YOU. I HATE ALL OF YOU" Public humiliation is always good for the soul. A little later a friend walked by. She pulled me off to the side and told me that Teddy had told her a few weeks ago how mean he is and that he is going to go live with a different family. Ack. I'm sure the progress he has made is scary to him. He apologized later. I accepted. We will have a big talk this evening now that he has calmed down and discuss where his feelings are coming from and what he will do as restitution.

Horrible moments become teachable moments if you work at it. Don't miss opportunities!

Stay close but stay away

One thing I hear from Bear often these days is "The only time I am angry is when I am with you." I don't believe this is true but I do believe his anger is worse when he is near me. That is because anger is a secondary emotion that builds from sadness or fear. Yes. When he is near someone who loves him, someone who wants to love he becomes afraid. This makes him angry. It makes him sad. It is a big jumble of confused emotions. I can see the confusion on his face when I talk with him.

If I am gone he has great anxiety. He worries about when I will be home and asks dad every little bit "When will mom be home?" Then when I do get home he runs outs and says "hi" If I try to talk with him he finds away to make it into anger and stomps off. Does this make sense? Yes. It does. He also has a great fear of abandonment. It is really his number one fear. He is afraid of love but his fear of abandonment is even worse consuming so much of his time.

As long as our kids have RAD the age does not matter much. They need lots of reassurance, comforting and empathy. They need special treatment when we leave and when we return. Will it make them angry? YES. But it will also lead to healing. Much as some ointments hurt a wound' empathy, love and care may make our child more afraid and yet help them to feel safe.

Never, never, never quit!

You Are a Retarded Liar

Oh those are the words every mother wants to hear. Bear is angry. He is angry about mini golf. He is angry because he has been sneaking around and doing some things and I figured it out. Just angry. His favorite response is "If you do, that will make me mad." My response "You are already mad Bear." Of course he goes on and on. I know every child is different but I think it was Shakespeare that said "I think thee doest protest too much." Often when he has done something he goes off and rants and raves about it even if I have not asked or only asked one question. I sit quietly while he shoots anger fishing lures at me trying to get me to join into his angry chaos. Sometimes I think he needs to feel like he can "make" me join in. Sometimes I think he feeds off the feeling of chaos. It is what he is comfortable with. Chaos feels like home.

The key to getting through is keeping myself calm and regulated, pray and shut up. Keep the eyes gentle and loving. YES. There are consequences to his actions. And NO they do not teach him a thing. They are necessary because they are a part of life. As an adult there are consequences so we teach them. But they must be done in love. They must be done by maintaining emotional control, not through joining in the yelling and becoming a part of the problem. Do I always succeed? Of course not. But I will never, never, never quit!

RAD anger at mom

There are a couple of anonymous comments from a post a couple of days ago that really have me thinking. Sometimes, since I have been on this road of parenting children with RAD for so many years, I forget there are people in different places on the path. So I wanted to talk once again about the anger our kids show which is aimed mainly at mom.

I do use the phrase "Don't take it personally" often. I should explain once in awhile to any new comers why I say that. When that trust cycle was broken at an early age for our children it did something physically to their brains. Early childhood trauma increases the work in the fight, flight or freeze section of the brain and decreases the use of the logic part of the brain. It also affects the way the neurotransmitters function in the brain. This, in turn, causes many of our children's unusual behaviors. Fear, an over whelming anxiety of abandonment, are the driving forces in keeping us away. If I allow myself to love this woman, to attach to her, she will leave me; I will not allow that to happen again. And so they use the "Keep away from me woman" behaviors: poor hygiene, urination, foul language, hurtful words, defiance to keep us at arms length. It is up to us to decide if we will a) allow these fearful behaviors to work at keeping us away b) take it personally or put on our therapeutic parenting cap and get over it....I know there are days when this is very very hard to do.

Here are some ways I keep myself strong enough to do this:

1) spiritual care: I take the time for my spiritual growth and relationship with God. He keeps me strong and gives me wisdom
2)physical care: I take the time to work out, eat healthy foods, breath fresh out door air and get enough sleep.
3)emotional care: I talk with friends, go on leisurely walks into the country, go to therapy when I need it, take time alone doing things I enjoy to refuel my beaten down emotions

Have a healing day and never, never, never quit.

Fake It Til You Make It Continued

Let's see. First, I want to make sure you all know this is just mom's opinion stuff. Not professional advice. OK.

The first way I work at staying calm is that "I" go to therapy. I have not been for 3 weeks. I am feeling it. I start back with our EMDR therapist on Monday. She is near where I go to college so I can go a couple of hours before class. Have an hour to eat and regroup and then go to class. I will try every other Monday and see how I feel. I may be able to go to once a month but I don't know. I need that time to vent, air my deepest feelings and receive feed back on what is balanced and what is out there.

The second thing is that when they are raging we have to be very careful. To me the main objective at that point is deescalation. So find what works for that child. For both of my boys softening my voice, a gentle touch and allowing them a few minutes alone on the couch to calm themselves is good. If they go to their room it cannot be for long. There is a difference in calming yourself and isolating yourself. It can turn into that if they stay too long. If they absolutely cannot calm themselves here are some things that have worked for me. I will say calmly, with no sarcasm (if you know me, the no sarcasm is hard) "I am setting the timer for 10 minutes, an hour whatever (a little longer than however their rages usually last). I would like for you to scream and yell and let all your anger out for that amount of time". Mine absolutely refuse to yell after I say that. Forget whatever the topic is at that moment and go back to it when they are calm if it is important.

For calming yourself: Go easy on yourself. You are going to mess up. Get over it and move on. Do not over estimate the importance of their rages. Tell them at quiet times you are glad they are letting all their rage out. Do not criticise or discourage the rages because it will actually encourage them. If you need to put them some place safe and put yourself in a quiet place do so. It helps me to look at it analytically. I tell myself to use my logical mind and not my emotional mind. When I feel the emotions welling up I say "Stop and think logically." My husband is an accountant so I tell myself to think like him. I am not saying he does not get angry. I'm saying much of the time he is the most logical thinking person I know.

Last I would look and see if you can find a pattern to the rages. Are they are certain times each day? After or before a certain event? My boy's often have it before or after I leave. The separation anxiety is huge. So it helps to talk about me leaving and coming back before I go. I have them think of some sweet way to let me know they were thinking about me while we were apart and I try to bring them some small thing, like a pack of gum when I get back. I go on and on about how I missed them and am glad to see them. This really helps them. I now sometimes come home to little signs that say "Welcome Home Mom".

I'm so glad you all are giving me your thoughts and asking questions. You are an encouragement and an inspiration to me.

Fake It Til You Make It

My child with RAD has completely shut down since we stopped attachment therapy. He will not let me back in. My first reaction to his anger is to shut down myself. To back away and be hurt. This will not help to feel safer or deal with what it is he so far will not put into words. I have found in the past it is easiest to start with something that doesn't require the loving eye contact such as a hug, a hand on the back or being gentle with my voice. If I can make my body do the right things sometimes the brain follows. Then the eyes will follow. It is difficult to love and not be loved back but that is exactly what we must do. Remember the trauma. Remember they are hurt. Keep on keeping on.

Fear and Anger

My boys are angry. Anger is a cover for fear or sadness. Getting to the the heart of the issue during an angry confrontation is key. Often when they come at me verbally almost demanding an exchange it only takes a few soft words, a touch or a gentle look to bring them back down. Sometimes it only escalates the behavior. The behavior is driven by fear or sadness. If you can get them to go to their rooms for a few minutes to cool down and then go in an very softly talk with them about the fear or sadness you can have a meaningful conversation. Remember the frightened little boy in the monster suit. Sometimes it is too hard to talk about and they will not allow themselves to admit the fear or sadness. It is during those times you reassure them you understand they are sad or afraid and when they are ready you will listen. They will say something mean, but just get up and walk away. The anger makes them feel strong. The fear and sadness makes them feel weak and vulnerable. Don't allow your emotions to take over in these times and take things personally or have hurt feelings. Be strong and use your logical mind to get you through. Pray and ask for help and wisdom. Seek counsel of professionals and other moms. You can do this.

Child of Rage

Do you remember that movie? It was made about Nancy Thomas' daughter who suffered with RAD. Child of Rage is a good description of a child with RAD. The rage covers up so much sadness. Sadness about feeling rejected by their birth mom. Maybe abused in some way. Neglected. All such ugly unimaginable words and yet it is so very real to these little people. They have sadness about each foster home they left even if they were bad. In their eyes it is yet again rejection by another mother. There are no baby pictures of my boys. No shared family stories that include their early years. Even after being in our home for a few months one of my sons shared "We're foster boys." I made sure he knew "Not anymore." The rage also covers up fear. Fear that this mom is going to send me away too. Each time I leave one of them is angry when I get back. For years I'd run to the store and when I pulled in the drive the curtain would move because one was standing there waiting for me to return. Fear that they are different then everyone else. All teens have this to some extent. Teens with RAD have it in an amplified version. People know I used to be a "foster boy". Do people know all those mothers left me? I must be bad. I must be worthless. All of this contributes to the rage. Why rage? Because rage is empowering to them. Fear and sadness makes them feel weak and vulnerable. Rage makes them feel in control and strong.
So what does a mom do? Attachment therapy, EMDR therapy, read books on Attachment. Find friends in real life or on line that have lived your life. And then practice the things you learn. Relearn you parenting style for this child. You must do it differently if he is to succeed. And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Go play. Spend some time each day relaxing. Read books, go for walks, have coffee with a friend, exercise, get a manicure. Do something that involves thinking about yourself. Don't lose yourself in the RAD. I did for awhile. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow. Oh I should tell you that Nancy Thomas' daughter, Beth, is now a neonatal nurse, author and public speaker. There is hope.