Monday, April 27, 2009

RAD anger at mom

There are a couple of anonymous comments from a post a couple of days ago that really have me thinking. Sometimes, since I have been on this road of parenting children with RAD for so many years, I forget there are people in different places on the path. So I wanted to talk once again about the anger our kids show which is aimed mainly at mom.

I do use the phrase "Don't take it personally" often. I should explain once in awhile to any new comers why I say that. When that trust cycle was broken at an early age for our children it did something physically to their brains. Early childhood trauma increases the work in the fight, flight or freeze section of the brain and decreases the use of the logic part of the brain. It also affects the way the neurotransmitters function in the brain. This, in turn, causes many of our children's unusual behaviors. Fear, an over whelming anxiety of abandonment, are the driving forces in keeping us away. If I allow myself to love this woman, to attach to her, she will leave me; I will not allow that to happen again. And so they use the "Keep away from me woman" behaviors: poor hygiene, urination, foul language, hurtful words, defiance to keep us at arms length. It is up to us to decide if we will a) allow these fearful behaviors to work at keeping us away b) take it personally or put on our therapeutic parenting cap and get over it....I know there are days when this is very very hard to do.

Here are some ways I keep myself strong enough to do this:

1) spiritual care: I take the time for my spiritual growth and relationship with God. He keeps me strong and gives me wisdom
2)physical care: I take the time to work out, eat healthy foods, breath fresh out door air and get enough sleep.
3)emotional care: I talk with friends, go on leisurely walks into the country, go to therapy when I need it, take time alone doing things I enjoy to refuel my beaten down emotions

Have a healing day and never, never, never quit.


Lorraine said...

Thank you, I needed that today. Another thing I did for myself, well Ok it was by accident, but it's made a difference to me! I found a lady in my town who has raised a RAD child. Talking to someone who gets it was huge for me! Of course that's also why I read blogs like yours! It helps me remember I am not crazy, I am just parenting a child who is hurt.

Brenda said...

I havea friend here in town with 2 RAD children. We have coffee every Monday. Does wonders for me.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are on the path to adopt a boy with severe RAD. I am very thankful for your blog that helps me prepare and understand what it can look like in real life. My heart goes out to you, you are an amazing women!

Brenda said...


Thank you for being so kind. What you will find with your little boy is that you give them what they need. If they had cancer you would give treatment. If they had diabetes you would give treatment. If they have RAD you give treatment.