Let's see. First, I want to make sure you all know this is just mom's opinion stuff. Not professional advice. OK.
The first way I work at staying calm is that "I" go to therapy. I have not been for 3 weeks. I am feeling it. I start back with our EMDR therapist on Monday. She is near where I go to college so I can go a couple of hours before class. Have an hour to eat and regroup and then go to class. I will try every other Monday and see how I feel. I may be able to go to once a month but I don't know. I need that time to vent, air my deepest feelings and receive feed back on what is balanced and what is out there.
The second thing is that when they are raging we have to be very careful. To me the main objective at that point is deescalation. So find what works for that child. For both of my boys softening my voice, a gentle touch and allowing them a few minutes alone on the couch to calm themselves is good. If they go to their room it cannot be for long. There is a difference in calming yourself and isolating yourself. It can turn into that if they stay too long. If they absolutely cannot calm themselves here are some things that have worked for me. I will say calmly, with no sarcasm (if you know me, the no sarcasm is hard) "I am setting the timer for 10 minutes, an hour whatever (a little longer than however their rages usually last). I would like for you to scream and yell and let all your anger out for that amount of time". Mine absolutely refuse to yell after I say that. Forget whatever the topic is at that moment and go back to it when they are calm if it is important.
For calming yourself: Go easy on yourself. You are going to mess up. Get over it and move on. Do not over estimate the importance of their rages. Tell them at quiet times you are glad they are letting all their rage out. Do not criticise or discourage the rages because it will actually encourage them. If you need to put them some place safe and put yourself in a quiet place do so. It helps me to look at it analytically. I tell myself to use my logical mind and not my emotional mind. When I feel the emotions welling up I say "Stop and think logically." My husband is an accountant so I tell myself to think like him. I am not saying he does not get angry. I'm saying much of the time he is the most logical thinking person I know.
Last I would look and see if you can find a pattern to the rages. Are they are certain times each day? After or before a certain event? My boy's often have it before or after I leave. The separation anxiety is huge. So it helps to talk about me leaving and coming back before I go. I have them think of some sweet way to let me know they were thinking about me while we were apart and I try to bring them some small thing, like a pack of gum when I get back. I go on and on about how I missed them and am glad to see them. This really helps them. I now sometimes come home to little signs that say "Welcome Home Mom".
I'm so glad you all are giving me your thoughts and asking questions. You are an encouragement and an inspiration to me.
Showing posts with label Indiscriminate affection toward strangers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Indiscriminate affection toward strangers. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Indiscriminate affection/lack of affection/RAD
I put these 2 together because they are kind of a reflection of one another.
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers: One our youngest was 3 and 4 he would walk up and hug everyone. We would walk into McDonald's and he would go over to strangers and climb on their laps. As the boys became older they would ask if they could go live with a friends family. They didn't ask this when they were mad, just asking. If we went to an amusement park we had the rule in line that they had to stand in between my husband and myself because they would immediately gravitate toward the people behind or in front of us in line. At LaserQuest just this last summer our family stood together going over our scores. We were ready to leave and ooops, one of our boys hadn't even been with us but was standing with a family of strangers going over his scores. I believe part of this is because as they grew up a stranger could be mom next week. They moved around so much and were told "this is your new family" so often that they did not develop a sense of boundaries. When I walk up to someone if I get too close it is almost like I feel an invisible force stopping me. I don't feel comfortable too close. They don't feel that. They get too close. All we can do is talk to them about this and demonstrate how close is appropriate. Talk about the difference between what we talk about with family and what we talk about with others (that is another whole long topic) . Their people skills are poor other than when they are manipulating and it is a reall hard thing for them to "get".
Lack of Affection on Parent terms (not cuddly):
Ever hug a tree? I have every morning! When I first started hugging my boys they would stiffen. One still does. It is so uncomfortable to them. And yet if I was fixing dinner, carrying laundry or on the phone they would run up with their arms spread wide demanding a hug. They wanted me to reject them. Then they can say "I was right. I cannot trust this mom. Look what she just did." They have to practice hugging me. At first they would put their arms straight around and grab their own hands. A way of avoiding touching me. When I told them not to touch their hands they would make sure their hands were perfectly parallel and it was very loose and stiff. It still is sometimes. Kind of like they are making the letter "O" with their arms and I just happen to be in the middle. They also like to pat my back in a parental way. So they have to learn how a child receives a hug from mom. You know you've made progress when they melt into you and are relaxed. Keep working. It will get there!
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers: One our youngest was 3 and 4 he would walk up and hug everyone. We would walk into McDonald's and he would go over to strangers and climb on their laps. As the boys became older they would ask if they could go live with a friends family. They didn't ask this when they were mad, just asking. If we went to an amusement park we had the rule in line that they had to stand in between my husband and myself because they would immediately gravitate toward the people behind or in front of us in line. At LaserQuest just this last summer our family stood together going over our scores. We were ready to leave and ooops, one of our boys hadn't even been with us but was standing with a family of strangers going over his scores. I believe part of this is because as they grew up a stranger could be mom next week. They moved around so much and were told "this is your new family" so often that they did not develop a sense of boundaries. When I walk up to someone if I get too close it is almost like I feel an invisible force stopping me. I don't feel comfortable too close. They don't feel that. They get too close. All we can do is talk to them about this and demonstrate how close is appropriate. Talk about the difference between what we talk about with family and what we talk about with others (that is another whole long topic) . Their people skills are poor other than when they are manipulating and it is a reall hard thing for them to "get".
Lack of Affection on Parent terms (not cuddly):
Ever hug a tree? I have every morning! When I first started hugging my boys they would stiffen. One still does. It is so uncomfortable to them. And yet if I was fixing dinner, carrying laundry or on the phone they would run up with their arms spread wide demanding a hug. They wanted me to reject them. Then they can say "I was right. I cannot trust this mom. Look what she just did." They have to practice hugging me. At first they would put their arms straight around and grab their own hands. A way of avoiding touching me. When I told them not to touch their hands they would make sure their hands were perfectly parallel and it was very loose and stiff. It still is sometimes. Kind of like they are making the letter "O" with their arms and I just happen to be in the middle. They also like to pat my back in a parental way. So they have to learn how a child receives a hug from mom. You know you've made progress when they melt into you and are relaxed. Keep working. It will get there!
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