He is so sweet

One of the things that use to be really tough for me was having people come up and tell me how sweet and wonderful my child with RAD was. I remember once before church he was sitting there ripping into me about how mean I am and how I don't love him. Someone walked up and he immediately became charming and endearing. She said to me a few minutes later "You have done such a great job with him. He is the sweetest kid." This all happened in about a 10 minutes time period. I just felt sick. Why was he so verbally abusive to me and so kind to everyone else?

The answer, of course, is that I am his mom. That means to him that I am dangerous. Love is dangerous. Moms are not to be trusted. Moms always leave. He actually said these words to the therapist at one point.

It happened again at the grocery store yesterday. Only this person is close enough that she knows the situation. She asked how Bear was doing. Frankly, he is not doing well. She said it is so weird because he seems like such a sweet heart when she talks to him and it is hard to imagine he has these problems. I explained that this is part of the illness. She is not trying to attach to him so he does not feel threatened.

It really doesn't bother me so much any more. I remember our attachment therapist saying "This is how you want him to act all the time." So now, when I see the charming and endearing behavior most of the time I can imagine that this is who he would be if he were not sick. He would be like this all the time. That is the goal. I do not think he is being manipulative in his behavior during those times. I think he is genuinely trying to be nice and friendly. It is so awkward for them that it appears fake.

It is just a part of the illness. Remember that your child has a serious illness in need of treatment. Have a healing day.