Don't love more. Love smarter.

So many phrases come to mind. One is "If I only love him more..." How many of us have thought that. Even if we know better it still seems to come to mind. At least for me. I think of the old cliche "Don't work harder. Work smarter." The way we love our kids with RAD is different. Sure we give them the same love we give all of our other kids. But when they are having RADish behavior we have to be in control.......of ourselves. THAT is the hard part. Reign in the hurt words or the defensiveness and take a deep breath. If I need to I go to my bedroom for a few minutes to compose myself. This is called "regulating" myself. Getting my emotions back in check. Then I need to react to RADish behavior with empathy, loving touch and gentle eyes. Keys to attachment. Emapthy gives the child the feeling of being understood. When he starts screaming "You don't love me" There are a variety of loving things we can say. "I know you must feel that way sometimes. But I do love you." or simply"You are so afraid but you are safe. I am not going to leave you." If they don't allow hugs, try a hand on the shoulder, a high five or even a gentle bumping of shoulders. Any human touch they will allow that is done lovingly is progress! The eyes are the window to the soul. When they look and see anger and rejection it validates the fearful fealings they have.

Tis the season for melt downs. Don't love more. Love smarter!

2 kids=2 totally different RADs

I remember writing about the subtypes of RAD. Instead of doing the clinical jargon version I just want to point out how vastly different my 2 sons present their RAD. Older son is passive aggressive. He rarely says no but rarely complies. He says OK but then doesn't do it. He tries to spend all his time hiding in his room or doing activities that keep him away from me. He pretends not to know or understand things, but sometimes really doesn't. That is confusing. He refuses to work at school but can sit and stare into space for hours to keep from doing it. The only time he becomes confrontational is when we try to stop any of this behavior. Then all the anger he has bottled up inside comes out. Nothing is his fault. He does not agree with much of what I have to say. Our youngest son is like the Tasmanian Devil spinning through our house. He breaks much of what he touches. He is loud. He seeks confrontation, physical action and human touch. His anger is overt and EVERYONE is aware of it. I asked our attachment therapist and he said our younger son's presentation is much more common in his practice. I will say that while the younger sons is exhausting to deal with it has been much easier to treat. His crave for human touch has been our "in". Either way, as a parent, my reactions need to be the same. Eye contact, gentle touch, empathy, and attunement with their feelings. Tough stuff to do with a cyclone and a hermit but it can be done. "Never, never, never quit." Winston Churchill.

Lack of Eye Contact/RAD

Lack of Eye Contact: Eye contact when communicating is a form of connection and intimacy. Our children with RAD cannot handle that level of intimacy so they avoid it. The only time they look you in the eye is if they are demanding something, lying to you, enraged or staring you down. It is good to encourage eye contact but we must be very careful. If they have done something wrong and we say "LOOK AT ME" and glare at them it only makes things worse. Any time we try to make eye contact our eyes must reflect love and acceptance. So if you cannot reflect that then it is time for you to take a time out until you can. Go in the bathroom, a quick walk around the block, or just go in your room for a few minutes and pray. When you are ready come back and try again. Do not get down on their eye level. In their minds that puts you on the same level as them. They do not need to see you as weaker. They need to see you as strong. So stay standing and look at them. Eye contact is one of the easier things to work on as long as you are consistent. Once they can make eye contact with you, then it is time to encourage them to look other people in the eye. That is a little tougher since you are not around them. You can practice greeting people and talking with people at home and show them how it is done. Their people skills are weak. See also the post on transitions as it has some bedtime eye contact ideas. Have a great healing day!

The Eyes Have It

Eye contact! I've heard it said the the eyes are the window to the soul. One of the symptoms of RAD is lack of eye contact on parents terms. That doesn't even mean "Look at me when I talk to you" necessarily. It is when you are trying to look lovingly at your child and they avoid that look at all cost. Another symptom is that they look you straight in the eye if they are lying. They also try to get you to make eye contact as a way of controlling or staring at you. So we do a lot of activities that involve eye contact. When they want to talk to me they have to come all the way to me and say "Mom" and wait until I make eye contact and then begin. No yelling from the other room. I look them in the eye when I tell them I love them and they can look back without flinching. If they come up to tell me something and I am busy, if I can, I stop what I am doing and look at them. I never realized before RAD became a part of our lives how much I do not look at people when I talk to them. I have made a much more conscious effort to stop what I am doing and give people my full attention. In many many ways I feel RAD has made me become a better person, friend, mother and wife. I have learned so many more ways to show and tell people I love them.