Just another wacky Wednesday.

I have class tonight. Let the explosions begin. Taz had a bad dream about our house blowing up. According to some theorists, in our dreams our house represents our life. Hmmmm. He and Bear have been going at it this morning. Taz was able to show remorse and calm himself (some use the word regulate). Bear is still going at it and has turned it all onto me.

This generally happens on a class day. I will be gone when they get out of school and won't see them until tomorrow. I know it seems contradictory to think a child has no attachment but doesn't want you to leave. He just now walked out the door talking about what a jerk I am because I would only give him one plate for his french toast instead of two. I just said "I love you and I hope your day improves." When my kids go out the door I always think of those kids at Columbine High School. The last memory of them walking out the door cannot be fighting. It just can't.

Back to the contradiction. While Bear loves in the only way he feels safe, which is holding back and fighting it with all he has, he does also have a great fear of abandonment. That fear of abandonment is what drives his fear of me leaving. I asked Taz about it one day and he said "You do always come back from school with a lot of bruises." ?????????????? I've never had a bruise from sitting in a class. It must be so hard to be so afraid.

Stay close but stay away

One thing I hear from Bear often these days is "The only time I am angry is when I am with you." I don't believe this is true but I do believe his anger is worse when he is near me. That is because anger is a secondary emotion that builds from sadness or fear. Yes. When he is near someone who loves him, someone who wants to love he becomes afraid. This makes him angry. It makes him sad. It is a big jumble of confused emotions. I can see the confusion on his face when I talk with him.

If I am gone he has great anxiety. He worries about when I will be home and asks dad every little bit "When will mom be home?" Then when I do get home he runs outs and says "hi" If I try to talk with him he finds away to make it into anger and stomps off. Does this make sense? Yes. It does. He also has a great fear of abandonment. It is really his number one fear. He is afraid of love but his fear of abandonment is even worse consuming so much of his time.

As long as our kids have RAD the age does not matter much. They need lots of reassurance, comforting and empathy. They need special treatment when we leave and when we return. Will it make them angry? YES. But it will also lead to healing. Much as some ointments hurt a wound' empathy, love and care may make our child more afraid and yet help them to feel safe.

Never, never, never quit!

Ch ch change

My husband hates change. He likes things to be the same: food, schedule, my hair (which I change often) clothes. I like this about him most of the time because it is calming to me. He is stable, unchanging and consistent in a world that can be unstable, always changing and inconsistent. I myself find change invigorating as long as it is positive.

Children with RAD find change terrifying. It causes explosive behavior. It feels out of control. It brings up all the feelings of abandonment. The days before our trip caused massive behavior issues in our boys. We reassured, talked, talked, and talked all we could. I found soft fuzzy foot massagers on clearance at WalMart for $3 and told them to use them while we were gone. They used them often and love them. Taz did NO school work while were gone. When our kids were younger we'd make paper chains for them for the number of days we'd be gone. They could tear one off each day. After we left I heard the idea of laminating a map and giving them our itinerary so they can track where we are. The care giver can give them caramels or ice cream each day and say it is was left by mom with love.

Usually when we get home from a trip there is pay back. They are angry with us for leaving and let it all out. Interestingly enough Bear, who had only begun healing right before we left has not done this. We bought him a rock turtle as a souvenir which he loves and carries around. He is calmed by our return. He is still a quirky kid and will always march to the beat of a different drummer. I don't think that is going to change. Taz has been a mess...BUT on a positive note it only lasted until yesterday. Yesterday evening he sat down and did his homework. He came and sat near me to read afterwards. He hugged me good night. So we have much to appreciate even in the midst of the explosions. I found a huge amount of food containers hidden under Taz's bed so he really ate his feelings while we were gone. It is easier to parent them if we remember the reason they are doing these behaviors is not because they are hate us or are bad people. They are so so afraid of love and trust. It is easier to mask it with anger then to show the fear. Get below the anger and talk about the fear. That is where the real feelings are. Have a healing day.

RADical healing

I will add material about the attachment seminar to the end of the post. It is important information and part of what brought us to this point. I can't tell you what a whirl wind of emotion I have been feeling since yesterday: excitement, relief, thankfulness. The one thing I do not really feel is fear. I believe it is because I saw this same process in Taz and I see it repeating itself in exactly the same way in Bear. So I know that once they take a couple of big steps in healing it is lasting and will even improve beyond this point. There will be regressions. Those are too be expected. Certain situations bring back up the fear. I hope this encourages those of you who are tired and battle worn. Never, never, never quit.

As you know children with RAD are stuck in a sea of grief and trauma. Living in fear and sadness. This is information from the Wesselmann/Bruckner Seminar on how the trauma plays out.

" A child enters the world ready to trust, love, and bond with his mother. When the bond is broken the cycle of trust is broken. The birth parent starts the cycle of mistrust and the present parent is at risk to fall into the same cycle. When the present parent intervenes to meet the need, the past trauma of not having needs met is triggered, creating overwhelming feelings of fear and anger. The need for control is based in the instinctual need to feel safe.

When a child has experienced recurrent trauma in the attachment relationships he lives in a world of mistrust and fear. In his attempts to survive and feel safe, he appears to reject love, yet he wants that love desperately. This confusion creates an environment of sadness and fear for all involved. Self hatred, self doubt shame, fear, anger, hurt, envy ALONE are words that describe the feelings of a child with RAD. The world becomes a dangerous place, love is to be feared, relationships mean abandonment, and feelings are to be avoided. Children's fears often become manifested in behaviors that are provoking and even frightening to caregivers and professionals alike."

I think the value in learning this material is that it helps us see the world through our child's eyes. It helps us to see their pain instead of the anger. Very important in parenting them. Have a healing day.

Absence makes the heart grow.....afraid

I was gone most of today on a field experience for my multicultural counseling class. This is the only Saturday class I have the whole time and I only have 4 more classes left. We do have a field experience tomorrow at a 1000 member African American church in Omaha, NE We are then having lunch at a Mexcian family run restaurant. It will be a long day again. I took Taz with me today but I think it was a little too long and a little too academic for him. It was a very worthwhile experience for me.


It was very traumatizing for Bear. He was a mess this evening. Having me gone again tomorrow will only make things worse. Then, of course, I have class on Monday night. I'm thinking by Tuesday was could have some major problems. I need to call during the day tomorrow and talk with him. I will reassure him in the morning before I go that I am coming back. It must be horrible to live in fear. After 10 years he is still waiting for the day I do not return.

This Mom Will Leave Me

It is the biggest fear of every child with RAD. This mom will do what all the others did. We can say we will stay. We will never leave them. But then, what about death? They know they will be gone then and we can't stop that. My son's fear of me leaving rules his life. He is completely out of touch with his feelings of fear and sadness and immediately changes them to anger. We talked about these things in therapy yesterday. I asked him if he felt keeping me at a distance will work. If he will not feel bad if I die because he has kept me at a distance. Of course it doesn't work. I asked if he felt since my mother is getting older if I should back away and not be so close so it won't hurt when she dies. No of course not. I told him I choose, instead, to value the time I have left with her and be closer. To love her every minute and make sure she knows. We discussed this in depth. I can never tell when we are in therapy if he says the right things to get out of there or if he says them because he means them. Time will show which it was.