Fire setting and curious boys

Bear, Dancer and Fish
Bear & Me

Fish & Eagle

Taz

We have had some trouble with boys playing with matches and starting fires where they should not. I do not want to be responsible for giving anyone advice on this matter as it is really serious. If your child is playing with matches or starting fires PLEASE seek the guidance of a professional. I cannot tell you what is right for your child but can only say what we have done for ours, what is right for us. Our Attachment therapist suggested we get a fire pit. Actually Taz bought it for us with his money since it was because of him we needed to do this. We went to the library and got a book on fire safety. He is in charge of building the fire in our fire pit. Fire is not a bad thing. In fact it can be useful and fun if used correctly. Today for lunch we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. We had S'mores for desert. Afterwards I asked Taz if he had fun and of course he did. We talked about fire again and how it is good if used properly. I do not think this would work if your child was setting fires out of anger, but only if it is a passing interest. Please be careful. I was hesitant to post this. Taz is our child who is healing from RAD and has made some great progress. I am so thankful for that.

Fighting

Yesterday I received a call that Bear had been in a fight and punched someone in the face. He is suspended for 3 days. I decided to try and use the Love & Logic method and told him that if that was his choice that he was going to have to live with the consequences. Bummer. I emailed our attachment therapist who suggest maybe I should have him explain what happened, knowing it will be lies, and give empathy and understanding. After he is done sharing say something like "If I think that happened to me I think I would have gone for help. Do you think that would work?" On my way to grad school last night I received a phone call from the middle school Principal that Taz had been in a fight and punched someone in the face. What's the deal? I explained what happened with Bear and he said he would give Taz an in school suspension so I wouldn't have them both home at the same time. I love small town life. I also set it up so Bear can go rake the middle school Principal's lawn most of the day. Last night after getting home from school fairly late I saw Bear's light on. He fell asleep on the floor of his walk in closet. I sent him to bed and walked into the closet to see what he had been doing and found a lighter. He was too incoherent to talk so we will discuss it this morning. My boys seem to be in full fear mode.

P.S. I did have the more empathetic discussion with Bear this morning and it was much more productive. I could see him thinking. I had the same discussion with Taz and that went well. Empathy and understanding are such effective parenting/relationship builders. I realize that no method will probably make a difference in his anger management but it does work toward closeness between us; which will lead to the anger management, if that makes sense.

I've been tagged
Lisa tagged me. She said she thinks I have it all together so I am going to tell you about days I have NOT!
Here are the rules.1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules.2. Share seven random or weird facts about yourself.3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post with their links.4. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I wish I could sing. When I hear songs on the radio I picture myself on stage performing them. In my day dreams I can sing REALLY REALLY well. I sing with the radio most of the time and if the radio is loud enough I sound great! : ) While working out and listening to my iPod I often picture myself doing Karaoke.
2. I think it would be the greatest vacation ever to throw all my stuff in the back of the car and just start driving. The direction I headed would depend on the time of the year. I'd just stop wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. It would be AWESOME.
3. My house is full of animals. They are all strays or from the animal shelter. I do have one cat that has started bullying the others though and really needs a home where he is the only animal. Know any one looking for a big orange neutered, de-clawed cat?
4. I grew up in Kansas City. I LOVE the big city. I like the busyness, all the people, the shopping, the restaurants. Small towns are an awesome place to raise a family though and I wouldn't exchange that for anything.
5. When I was little I wanted a horse more than anything. I would tell my parents if I couldn't have a horse I didn't want anything. I read horse books. I had posters all over my room of horses. Did I mention I grew up in Kansas City?
6. I am addicted to chocolate. I could eat chocolate all day for every meal. I eat it when I am happy, sad, stressed, angry or just because it is the most awesome food ever. That is why I need to lose 10 lb.
7. I did have something about loving the outdoors here but I am deleting and telling you about the most dastardly side of myself. I can be manipulative. Ask my husband. It is not a good trait. Because I am a "people watcher" I seem to know how to get people to do what I want. When I am in a situation where I feel people are trying to intimidate or talk down to me I start using a more expansive vocabulary and intimidate back. I sweet talk to get my way. I really am working not doing this as it is not a very honest way of dealing with people. It will be important as a counselor NOT to do this.

I am supposed to think of 7 people....I am instead going to say, if you want to do this leave your link in the comment box and we'll come read you!

Wild Ride

It's a wild ride isn't it. I'm sitting here in my recliner feeling a little under the weather. I think the stress and hurrying caught up with me. I have a week and a half of this term left with 4 projects left to go. I have them divided into doable chunks so I can work on them each day and still only work on it when the kids are at school. I love that I can stay home to do that.

It has been a rough week with Taz. I am not sure how much I want to say but will say he set a fire some place. It was not in our home. No one was hurt. There was minor damage for which I am so thankful. He will be working shoveling mulch over fall break to make restitution for what damage there was. I am also taking him to the burn unit of a hospital. I was planning on doing this tomorrow but forgot he has a doctor's appointment. It will work for us to go next Weds. He needs to see how serious messing with fire can be. It would be easy to look at the situation and think "Oh this is hopeless. He is her child who is supposedly healed." He is healing. He has set backs. The difference is when he has one now I know it is temporary and something is wrong. He was in some trouble at school today. LOVE those calls from the principal. After school he finally opened up and shared what is troubling him. I will be working with him on this issue and hope I can help. Bear doesn't know. He continues with the "I was fine until I got in the car with you." type behavior after school. Thanks for the support. I may be spotty getting on here over the next couple of weeks. Between homework and getting Taz back on track it is going to be busy. Have a healing week.

Preoccupation with fire,blood and gore

I combined the next two because I feel they are kind of the same thing. It is a fascination with death and destruction. I know many little boys are fascinated with guns, swords and fighting. In fact, this is the one area where people always say "Oh Brenda you are just used to your 2 quiet girls and you are not used to boys." Hmmm. How long did it take them to "get used" to having boys? This is different. It is more like an obsession. They talk of violence, draw violence want to watch violence and may even threaten violence. I feel a need to be somewhat protective of my boys here for some reason. I am not going into detail of what they have said or done other than to say one did draw the picture above. We are very careful about what they watch. I look for movies and books with heroes. I have found that they also like action movies. So I look for movies with more action, less violence. I'm sure if you have sons you know that is not easy. We are careful about what they read. We are careful of the music they listen too. I try not to give them to much attention for violent talk because if they know it bothers me it increases the behavior. I just change the subject or ask if it is appropriate. It seems to work to say "Is that something mom's like to talk about?" While working on peer relationships one thing we talk about is when you are having a conversation try and think of things the other person is interested in. Oh and keep the matches in a lock box. I feel this is a heart matter. When your heart is full of pain and anger that is what will come out. You will know your child is improving when this behavior decreases.