Marriage

Having a special needs child is so tough on a marriage. Even a really strong one.

Triangulation: Kids with RAD will reject and defy mom while turning on the charm for dad and everyone else. Mom often looks inept, over involved or harsh. DADS! Do not let your child come between you and your wife. Let your child know that mom and dad are a team that cannot be divided. Dad believes mom's stories and is there for support and to take over regularly so mom can have time to herself.

Conversation: RAD, RAD,RAD, RAD. It can consume a mom. Don't let it consume conversations with your spouse. Talk about the children that are doing well, about common interests or hobbies. Talk about your future after kids.

Fun: Go out and have fun with your spouse without kids. Finding someone who can watch them is worth the difficulty. They may be upset by your going out but you have to do it.

Commitment: We are committed to our kids but first we are committed to each other. Make sure your spouse knows they come first in the family. We need to listen to each other. We need to care about each others feelings.

If all this means you need to get some marital counseling than go! If one of you needs counseling GO! Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is better than just letting things slide.

I'm so thankful for my husband. We have been through some tough times but they have made us stronger! They can do the same for you if you focus on each other and don't let things go.

Running Away

This evening my husband and I are going to a neighboring town to stay at a motel. We will eat out, catch a movie and go for massages. It will be about 24 hours of R and R. RAD can be hard on a marriage if you let it get between you. Remember to spend time together just having fun. When it is nice out my husband and I go play 9 holes of golf. We have no idea what we are doing. We don't keep score. We just have fun. It is out in the country, beautiful landscape and often no one else is around. We are not in a hurry. During financially difficult times we would sometimes just go to Burger King and buy a small drink so we could sit and talk. We don't talk about the kids. We don't talk about RAD. We just have fun! It is a healing time for us both. Remember to take care of your heart and his.

Loving your Marriage Relationship

We are back~We had a glorious time, 7 days in Antigua celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. I have more photos then even the best friend would want to see so I won't bore you with them all but will post one now and then.

Our trip gave me much time sitting or walking on the beach and allowing for reflextion. I like to ask myself often what I am doing in my life that I feel good about, what would make our schedule run more smoothly what would make relationships more closely knit. One of the things I will be doing is blogging probably twice a week instead of every day. I would really like for my posts to be meaty information that will be valuable to you as moms and dads of kids with RAD. Any topics of interest to you are of interest to me so please feel free to let me know if you'd like a certain issue to be discussed.

Marriage.

Of course, we also had much time to spend alone as a couple. This particular Sandals we stayed at is for Couples Only and is really geared for romance. They do a great job. Maybe you are not at a point in your life where you can take off for any place for a week. That is OK. Work with your schedule and what you CAN do. Never focus on what you cannot do. It only discourages you. Here are a few ideas I have for keeping your marriage a priority. It is easy when you have kids who demand your time and attention, add in some triangulation, and your marriage can suffer. Here we go:

Free:
A quick phone call during the day.
A note.
Attend church together.
Pick one show to watch together without the kids each week. For us, it is Seinfeld.
Do a chore the other person normally does without being asked.
Back or foot rub.
Call and ask if there is anything that your spouse would like for you to do for them today.
Go for a walk.
Send a free e-card. http://www.hallmark.com/
Pray together.
Have a devotional time together.
Cheap:
Drop off his favorite snack at his office.
Run out for ice cream, pop or coffee.
Buy him a card
Go to the dollar movies.
Meet for lunch during the day.
Rent a DVD to watch without kids. It does not have to involve The Wiggles or Scooby Doo.
Treats:
Learn a new hobby neither one of you has tried. We play golf about once each spring and fall. We stink. We don't keep score. We pick up the ball and throw it out of hard places. We bring along a sack lunch and have a picnic.

Plan a date night and get a sitter. We have friends we trade with.
Leave the kids with friends or grandparents and go away for a night or weekend.
Get a massage at a spa together.
Surprise him with tickets to an event he enjoys that you normally don't go too. Chris enjoys hockey tickets. I don't but I remind myself it is for him.

Our kids with RAD were taught an incorrect definition of love. Love hurts. We can show them by example what love really is. Take care of your relationship with your spouse. Our kids are watching. As my girls have become older, they remember very little of the profound things I thought I said. They remember what I did. It is surprisingly easy to fall into our children's dysfunctional form of love instead of standing firm and displaying healthy love. Taking care of your love relationship with your spouse will keep you both happier, stronger and better parents.

Love is patient; love is kind.Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way:it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things And now faith, hope, and love abide, and the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13

Marriage

Chris & Brenda Feb. 11, 1984

Our kids with RAD were taught an incorrect definition of love. Love hurts. We can show them by example what love really is. Take care of your relationship with your spouse. Our kids are watching. As my girls have become older, they remember very little of the profound things I thought I said. They remember what I did. Here are some things Chris and I do to take care of each other.

Free:
A quick phone call during the day.
A note.
Attend church together.
Pick one show to watch together without the kids each week. For us, it is Seinfeld.
Do a chore the other person normally does without being asked.
Back or foot rub.
Call and ask if there is anything that your spouse would like for you to do for them today.
Go for a walk.
Send a free e-card. http://www.hallmark.com/
Pray together.
Have a devotional time together.
Cheap:
Drop off his favorite snack at his office.
Run out for ice cream, pop or coffee.
Buy him a card
Go to the dollar movies.
Meet for lunch during the day.
Rent a DVD to watch without kids. It does not have to involve The Wiggles or Scooby Doo.
Treats:
Learn a new hobby neither one of you has tried. We play golf about once each spring and fall. We stink. We don't keep score. We pick up the ball and throw it out of hard places. We bring along a sack lunch and have a picnic.

Plan a date night and get a sitter. We have friends we trade with.
Leave the kids with friends or grandparents and go away for a night or weekend.
Get a massage at a spa together.
Surprise him with tickets to an event he enjoys that you normally don't go too. Chris enjoys hockey tickets. I don't but I remind myself it is for him.

My favorite marriage websites:

www.family.org
www.familylife.com
Marriage Seminar info:
http://www.familylife.com/conferences/find_conference.asp?DCMP=BAC-WTR+Static+RT&ATT=ImageRT
Chris and I attended this seminar a couple of winters ago. It is not only a chance to get away and be alone. It gives you the opportunity and guidance to talk about things involving your marriage that you may have not thought about or are not sure how to discuss. It was amazing.

Taking care of your marriage unifies you in raising your children, gives each other support and is a good example to your children. Keep your spouse first above your kids.

Triangulation of Adults

I believe this is a very serious symptom to be dealt with immediately. It can cause serious problems in a marriage, in families and between friends. It will cause problems between mom and schools. The child with RAD, the mom and one other person make up the triangle. The child works very hard to make this other person think mom does not know what she is doing, that she is unfair and harsh. They know how to stir the pot until eventually the fighting is between mom and someone else and they are standing off to the side with a big smile on their face. Refuse to let this happen. You and your spouse need to talk about it. Chris and I sat down with our boys on more than one occasion and said "We are team. You cannot come in between us. We know what we are doing and we will always back each other up." This really took care of a lot of it. They still occasionally come to one of us to "tell" on the other. I say "Are you telling on your dad? Let's go talk to him about it." This of course is met with a NOOOOOOOOOOOO. With teachers you also need a unified front. There are friends, family and teachers that will never understand RAD nor what you are doing. You have to let that be ok, try to educate and if they refuse just accept that this relationship is different now. Limit your time with this person. Spend time with people who will build you up and give you support. Focus on the positive uplifting people who either really "get" RAD or at least are trying hard to get it. Most of all focus on your relationship with your spouse. Time with him has to be first above all other people and the RAD child cannot dominate so much of your time that you don't have time for healthy relationships. Don't let your child shut you off from others. One of the best ways to have strength for this battle is to build strong support. Start with your spouse. Go out on a date and don't talk about RAD!!!

Marriage

We had a date night. My husband and I found each of the boys a place to stay. Together they form a united front that is difficult. Split up they become much easier to handle. I guess you could call it divide and conquer. We went out for dinner, stayed at the Holiday Inn and even had massages this morning. Ate lunch and came home. I feel refreshed. Of course, I know going into this that I will be paid back 3 fold when I get home. They are anxious and afraid while I am gone. I made them feel deserted. And yet, how will they learn that I am the mom who ALWAYS comes back if I never leave ? It was renergizing for my husband and me. I hope you all take date nights once in while. I find them essential.