Grief and RAD

I am taking a class on Grief and Bereavement counseling. I am doing a lot of reading on grief. The similarities between the fear of RAD which is really a form of being stuck in grief and the feeling of being stuck in grieving have some definite similarities.

We went to the coffee shop and I talked with the boys about what I am learning about grief. That the only way out of the grief is to talk about the pain and fears. That when a person doesn't talk about it they stay stuck in it. All those feelings are in there. I told them that the only way they are going to be able to move on from their fears or sadness is to talk about them so that I can help and work through it together. Bear, who has not talked about his feelings for MONTHS, said "You never know whenever you go to school it could be the last time we see you." HUGE> HUGE> HUGE> So we talked about how this is really true of anyone. They are no longer little kids. They can now feed themselves. (food is a real emotional issue for them). Dad is there to take care of their needs so they would not leave. They'd still have their sisters. And we have hope of our home in heaven. They seemed to both be reassured. The book I'm reading is Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies, by J. William Worden.

Grief & Bereavement

I begin a new class this evening called Grief & Bereavement Counseling. I have been waiting all along for this class with great anticipation. Our children with RAD are grieving. They are stuck in a state of grief. I have 3 different books I am reading and am sure to get a boat load full of useful information. I will pass it along as I receive it.

We all know adults who have suffered the loss of a loved one. Maybe you have lost someone. I have lost a couple of key people from my life. Some people come back from it and go on. Others grieve the rest of their lives. They are stuck. Our children with RAD are suffering from a more complex form of grief but they have had great loss. They lost both parents and maybe some siblings. They lost their homes, pets, clothes, furniture. Think if you suddenly lost all those.

I have often heard the story told like this: Suppose some very nice people came to your door and took you suddenly from your home. They put you in the car and took you to a nicer home to a new family. They said "This is your new family." How would you feel? I realize you are not (well hopefully not) suffering neglect and abuse in your current home but even if our children were they loved those families.

So as we look at our little kiddos today. Let's look at children who are so sad ~ Grieving. Have a loving healing day.

Stuck

I'm stuck at my favorite coffee shop. : ) Really. I took my car in for some work at 8:00. They said it would be an hour and a half.They are having some problems and it is not done yet. It is 12:03 here. I was here at the coffee shop all morning doing homework and sipping on a caramel comfort. After checking on the car I am back and having lunch. I have a long list of things that need to be done at home. I have been fighting a cold and general wornoutdedness. Things need to be done. I am stuck. It reminds me of Bear though. He is stuck. Stuck in grief. That must feel so horrible. I have been reflecting the last couple of days on my therapeutic parenting or the lack thereof. Once again I must get back to the basics of gentle touch, loving eyes and emotional understanding with my boys. That is near impossible when you feel tired and worn out. So I guess God voted and said I was taking a day off! : ) I hope you have had some chances to talk about grieving the loss of birth family if your child is stuck. I have discussed it briefly with Bear and he is acting out. That means he is thinking about it. I will discuss it again tonight. Parenting emotionally hurting children is tough work. It can be done. I feel we were chosen to do it.

Moving Toward Recovery

Early evening yesterday I had my Professional Identity Development Seminar. This seminar was given by a graduate student who is into his internship. He is doing his internship at a hospital in the psych ward. He is in what could be called the long term unit. He co facilitates several groups. One is called Moving Toward Recovery and I found the information fascinating. He prefers to say the clients are grieving rather than traumatized. He feels this gives a more accurate picture of what they are dealing with and what they need to do.

This is a 12 lesson program. I only have the first 6 but will try to email him for the last 6. Here is lesson 1.

First they need to understand they can work through their grief. As parents we can tell them it is a trip we can go on together. We will walk through the steps of grief over their losses with them.

Step 1 is to accept the reality of your loss. They have to realize that their bio family is gone and accept that fact. This is very hard for some of our kids to do. They may say they understand but their words in between say otherwise. They may be fantasizing about their birth family and what their life could be like if they were with them.

Denial about the facts of loss can vary from a slight distortion to a full blown delusion This hinders the acceptance of the loss. You might hear "I don't really miss them" and "We weren't that close anyway." So intellectually they have to accept that their birth mother is gone but emotionally as well. Talk, talk, talk about it and be real with them.

We'll talk about further steps on other days. This kind of gives you a taste of grief counseling though. I think it could be very effective for RAD and I look forward to learning more about it.

Grieving

There are 7 stages of grieving. A cycle has been established by Kubler-Ross. There is much more information at their website:

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm


Here are the 7 stages of grieving:
You can click on the stage and it will take you to their site so you can read more about it.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

We grieve when we find out our children have RAD. Our children grieve about the loss' in their life. I am going through this cycle again. After over a year of Attachment and EMDR therapy my child is too afraid to move forward. I wanted it so much. Look at where you are in the cycle and know it is temporary. You will move on to the next stage and toward that day of healing. It is coming. Different time lines for different kids but keep believing!