A fisherman often uses a lure to catch a fish. Sometimes they use fresh bait. The more the lure looks like something the fish likes to eat, the more likely the fish is going to try to eat it.
There are several things that lure or bait us moms into ineffective parenting. Here are the ones that I fight often.
Control: I can't let a situation go because I want to assure myself I am still in control in my home.
Winning: I argue to win.
Fatigue: I allow myself to get so tired I become unreasonable and irrational.
Future: I start fearing my child's future and think I have to stop this NOW.
Personalization: I take my child's actions, which are not about me and make them about me.
Temper: I lose it and scream things that will set the healing process back and damage further the relationship between my child and myself. I do not believe this means the child should never know how their behavior makes me feel and that I should walk around with a big fake smile on my face. There is a line we cannot cross and I think we all know when we crossed it.
Fear: Most of these issues are driven by some sort of fear.
So how do I avoid getting lured in? When I am really in control it shows by my ability to control myself, not my child. I believe the best way for them to learn is to allow the natural consequences. Let them go without a coat (If they are at least school age) and find out they will be cold. Say, "Sure you can go without your coat. You are old enough to decide. I am choosing to wear one. " and let it go. Remember that I don't have to win. I need to teach my child what love looks like. Yes. I do believe in discipline. It can be given lovingly and fairly. Fatigue does not lead to good parenting. Take care of yourself. Give yourself the spiritual, emotional, and physical rest and care you need. The future can be very scary for the mom of a child with RAD. Give it to God. Don't dwell in it. Take care of today. Do not take your child's behavior personally. You represent motherhood. Past mom's especially birth mom have left them with issues that are being transferred to you. Those issues need to be dealt with. The best way to deal with them is to 1) take them to attachment therapy and EMDR therapy 2)educate yourself through books, seminars and websites that are reliable. I recommend some of each at the right. 3) gain support for yourself through therapy, church, family and friends. Take a break from those who are not supporting you. 4) Take care of your relationship with your spouse and emotionally healthy children. Focus on them at least as much, more on your spouse, then you do on the child with RAD. 5) take care of yourself 6) Never, never, never quit.
This week I will work on avoiding those lures! Even better, I will purposely use the behaviors I know keep me emotionally healthy so I can help my child be emotionally healthy.
