Homeostasis

Our families all have a balanced steady state of equilibrium. This is the family homeostasis. It is whatever is consistent for us. It can keep us on an even keel OR it can keep us stuck. We can keep repeating stuck behaviors just because we have fallen into the pattern.

When we see our home life falling into a pattern of fighting we need to stop and examine what is going on. Generally when that happens in our home I see a couple of things:

1. We have stopped having fun. If our kids have to earn all of their fun we will develop negative homeostasis. Due to their past trauma our kids may feel they don't deserve rewards. The family closeness can trigger the fear in them. Go do something fun anyway. We had a terrible morning but since my boys have a half day of school today I'm taking them out for lunch. Did they earn it? No. Do we all need it? YES.

2. I have fallen into acting on my feelings instead of thinking things through. I have started taking their actions personally. When they say "Don't start pretending like you care." and you have been working so hard to show them that you do. STOP! THINK! They are saying "Please let me know you care. I'm afraid."

3. I have stinkin thinkin. Sometimes I need an attitude adjustment myself. I may be tired, overwhelmed, not exercising, eating junk or not getting time with other adults. Sometimes it is ME who needs a time out!!

When you put a positive balance back into the family and are open to change you will see the change in your family. The old adage "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" is really true.

Here's to having a positive homeostasis in your family!!

Attitude of Gratitude

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is a time when we express thanks. Honestly, I let Christmas stress me out. I'm going to work on that this year. I love to hear people talk about what they appreciate instead of what they want. Most of what we want in this country is such a luxury.

If you've been with me awhile you will remember our "Wall of Gratitude". We have a memo board on our fridge. We use it for a variety of things but I occasionaly write "Gratitude" or "I am thankful for.." and everyone starts writing. I usually start it. As family members walk past and think of something they add it to the board. When it gets full we start over.

It takes some positive thinking to be thankful. Kids with RAD may have a tough time with this. I put no pressure on anyone to add to it. After a few days you may be surprised to see that your child with RAD may have added one thing. It may be superficial but they tried!

Having a thankful heart does not come naturally in our self centered society. Hopefully we don't just take one time a year to remember to give thanks. It is great to focus on it this month though. I want to remember to be thankful as well as teach my children to give thanks too.

What does your family do to focus on a spirit of thanks?

Lines and Circles

Oh me. Oh my. What a day.....

It starts last night with:

Taz tells me he has a 15 minute detention after school because a sub thought he was annoying....I'm afraid to ask.

Bear walks out while Taz is telling me this and says that he had an office referral because a teacher thinks he called her a name.

This morning the phone rings and it is the assistant principal. Bear is suspended for the day for calling the teacher the B word. I receive an email from the teacher and it really was an afternoon of H-E Double hockey sticks for her with his behavior.

I have homework due Monday. A big midterm on Weds. Taz has a swim meet on Saturday. I have company coming for the day on Sunday. Nooooo problem. Clean house, make menu, do homework, study for exam, deal with Bear all day.

Normally if one of the boys is suspended I send them to pull weeds or rake leaves all day. I have so much to do I just do not have time to deal. So I have been making him sit on his bed. I did clean out the fridge and the Tupperware was mighty stinky so he is downstairs washing it by hand as we "speak".

We learned some things in Marriage & Family I have put to good use with him. He has what is called Linear Thinking.

Like when the child rolls the ball, he feels other people actions cause his reaction. End of story. "They make me mad and when they make me mad I explode." This makes complete sense to him.

Our interactions with people are actually circular. They act. We react. They react. We react. So when he argues, they give a consequence. He thinks the consequence is unfair so he yells. They feel frustrated so try so come up with a new consequence. It goes in a circle with each leading to a reaction from the other.

This gives the picture that he has power. He is very much victimized in his thinking. He reacts as though life just happens to him. Circular thinking shows that it is all interactions. He effects others. They effect him. How he reacts then effects them again.

Telling him this story once will not change things. Talking it through and what the circle that he just experienced looked like and that he has power to change may.

Where do you fit on the scale between helicopter and drill Sargent?

There are 3 basic types of parents.

The first is the helicopter

The helicopter hovers over the child making sure their every move is correct. She worries and fusses over everything they eat, what they say, how they treat others to the point of being fused into the relationship with her child in an unhealthy way. It is hard for the child to have a separate identity and blossom and grow as an individual. The child can become anxious and as a teen rebel against the hovering parent. Or they may wait until they leave home and then let 'er rip. Or they could just become a neurotic worried person themselves.

The second is the drill Sargent parent.

The drill Sargent believes her children should do what she says when she says. There should be no disagreement, no variance, no friction. Orders are snapped out and their is little affection. Directions are given concisely and the house is run like a ship by a captain.

Last is the parent who has landed some where safely in the middle of those two extremes. This parent gives loving guidance but allows the child to make mistakes. Making mistakes while they are at home gives them the chance to learn from them and grow. They feel free to be themselves while the parent models, talks with them about choices and gives sensible consequences when necessary. Love and affection are given freely, but there are safe boundaries in which the child should stay. These boundaries expand as the child shows the ability to make safe choices and matures. The child will sometimes fail as we all do. The parent's will sometimes fail as we all do. But forgiveness and restoration are practiced.

None of us are perfect. We all are a work in progress. We keep on keeping on.

My name is Brenda and I am a Yellaholic

Christine over at Welcome to My Brain wrote an excellent post on yelling a few days ago. The woman is brilliant!

I have given up yelling but have to work constantly to keep from falling back on to it. Just when I think I have it over come I hear it spewing from my mouth and gasp. Engage brain. Shut mouth.

First of all it is a trigger for many kids. Children who have been abused and neglected may have many traumatic memories surrounding yelling. A certain look on our faces, an angry gleam in our eyes along with the loud voices can all take them back to some pretty bad moments. So if any of those things happen they are no longer with us in the kitchen but back at some bad place in time. They may not even be aware it happens. The wiring in the brain has been so changed that the "fight, flight and freeze" part is working way more than is healthy.

Does this mean we give in to little Johnny's every whim and put on our June Cleaver face at all times? Of course not. We set boundaries. We can be firm but speak gently.

Our son, Fish, has refused to turn down the radio in his car. It is so loud that it hurts my ears. Of course, he does not do this if we are in the car. He had a low tire that I went to have repaired yesterday. I turned on his radio and was thrown to the back of the car by the sound. Well, not really. But it was loud. I've told him he cannot hear if something is wrong with his car. He cannot hear sirens. I had my car guy help me out. He took out the fuse that runs the radio and I have it tucked away.

Fish was angry and started to yell. I hung up. When he can calmly and respectfully come and discuss with me why it was taken we will talk about how long it will be. I do not talk with children who are yelling but walk away. If they say "Why aren't you talking to me about it?" I say "When you can talk with me calmly and respectfully we will have a conversation." Fish does not have RAD but I use the same principal with all of our kids.

Teaching our kids to talk things out instead of yelling will help them throughout their lives in many relationships. It is worth the trouble. I'm Brenda and I am an Yellaholic.

Logic

Here is an excellent example of no logic. I did a load of laundry for Bear yesterday. I put them in the dryer before I left for class. I remember setting the dial for extra long so the jeans would be sure and be dry. This morning he says "I need to go down and get my clean laundry." Next thing I know he is screaming because his clothes are still wet. Every few minutes the spew of how stupid I am and that anyone knows to turn on the dryer is heard. I go down stairs and he opens his door and starts again. I see behind him all his clothes spread out on the floor. I asked why he didn't just turn the dryer on instead of spreading them on his floor. "They would never get dry in time."...........45 min in the dryer vs 45 min on his floor? I just turned and left. And yes, he will be doing his own laundry from here on out.

Yippy Skippy

Bear is over the flu and went back to school today. His anger began creeping back more and more each day he felt better. We are now back to each word I say being perceived as some form of aggression. I do my best to just ignore most things and focus on the majors. He made it out the door dressed and ate some pancakes.

Of course I wish he would have stayed in "attach" mode as he was that first day of the flu, but it still gives hope. Just having a glimmer of who they can be is all it takes to keep going. It helps to see the possibilities. It reminds me of the song little kids sing.

"I am a Promise.

I am a possiblity.

I am a Promise

with a capital P.

I'm a great big bundle

of potentiality!"

Achieving your Dreams

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, Oh Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands."Psalm 138:8

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance." Proverbs 1:5

"Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:14

Hurray for our Kids

The LAST day of October. Then we fly right into the busiest time of year. With Christmas only a couple of months away and high school swim team starting at our house it gets pretty hectic. Add in grad school for me and it is a whirl wind. We still need to stop and smell the roses, take care of our healthy relationships and look for the gifts God has given us.

Eagle: Is looking for a second job to help make ends meet. She is hanging in there!

Dancer: Has been involved in several volunteer programs at her school and is looking at a great summer opportunity that would work to help others while giving her some great social services experience.

Bear: Is feeling much better. But it is H1N1 so we are being careful. He was actually a pretty nice guy while he was sick. He is feeling better today so I see the old habits creeping back but we'll work on it. It was inspiring to see the sweetness under there.

Fish: Has a swim meet today and is PUMPED! I am home with the sick child so look forward to hearing about it when they get back!

Taz: We watched The Boy in Striped Pajamas last night. I had no idea it was going to be so sad. Taz had read the book. When it got to the part with the tragic ending he got up and left before it came on. Does that sound like RAD to you? Not at all. Wonderful to see him developing a tender heart.

Have a glorious weekend. Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight!

102.7

Not a radio station. Bears temp. I'm guessing he, too, has swine flu. I don't know if you read my post awhile back about sickness but Bear doesn't like me when he is sick. He thinks I give him the wrong medicine. He thinks I give him scratchy blankets. He worries I won't feed him correctly. No trust. Today I gave him some ibuprofen, turned on the humidifier, put a cool cloth on his head and gave him a bag of cough drops. I gave him a big hug, which he readily received. I'd say it is my first truly received hug in close to a year. I told him he'd be staying home tomorrow. He said "Won't that lower my grades one point?" which made me snicker. That is the rule in grad school, not high school. I told him I'd help him make up his work. Then..... drum roll..... he said "Thanks for taking care of me when I do nothing but give you crap." We talked awhile. It was progress. The first progress in a long time. The first progress ever when he was sick. Never, never, never quit.