What is Therapeutic Parenting?

Read this post :  http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-is-therapeutic-parenting.html

Attunement vs Enmeshment

Therapists, books, websites all say we are to be "attuned" to our child. Not many speak of enmeshment. Enmeshment is a trap many parents, especially moms, fall into.  Here is the difference.

Attunement: Is essential in attachment with your child. It simply means being in touche, in sync, with your child's emotions, mood, and feelings. It is looking them in the eye and truly knowing and feeling their pain or fear.  It is walking a mile in their shoes so to speak and letting them know that you know.

Enmeshment: is when you not only get in touch with their emotions, mood, and feelings, but take them on as your own;  when you feel you are responsible for those emotions, moods and feelings. It is when you become so entangled with your child you do not know where he or she ends and you begin.

It is easy to attempt the first, attunement, and get caught up in the second, enmeshment, especially if you are a person who is strong in the feeling/emotion way of looking at life.

I speak from experience.

It is so important we are attuned to our child. We need to be able to step into their world and walk around in it. It helps us to understand them. But we must be able to then step back out and help them in understanding their world while living in our own.

This requires boundaries. If you believe you are having some problems with this here are some things that helped me.

Take time with your husband and don't talk about the kids. (can you do that?)
Hang out with friends and don't talk about the kids.
Hang out with your other kids and don't talk about your hurt child.

Have fun!! Can you do that? If not, it might be time to look at yourself and see if you have become overly involved in your child's pain.  It is a fine line. If you can't sort it out yourself, seek out help from a professional or a parent who is experienced with RAD. We are here to help each other.

Have a healing FUN weekend.

Attunement

Yesterday morning in the car we had this conversation....

Me: Bear how do you think I feel about you?

Bear: How should I know?

Me: Because I tell you every day.

Bear: You think I'm sad, mad and afraid.

Me: No (those are not how I feel about him. Those are feelings I think he has but I didn't go into it) I love you and I think you are going to be happy and feel loved. I'm so glad God made me your mom.

Bear: Thanks.

This was after much manipulation and effort on his part to draw me into a fight. I find stopping and working on becoming attuned to them is so effective in those moments. Think of how you feel if you are talking to a spouse or a friend and you know they are not listening. Completely tuned out. Think of how you feel when they look you in the eye and you know you have their full attention and caring. The difference is our kids are so scared that they prefer keeping us at a distance. The weekend is coming Bear is having increasingly difficult days. I am going to work hard on being attuned to the "real" him down deep inside. The one I know is in there huddled in fear. Soft eye contact, gentle touch and a soft voice. It takes hard work and practice but we can do it!

Attunement

We had some moments of being attuned to one another last night. Those moments are sweet. We had a rough couple of weeks which escalated into yesterday being the roughest day of all. Both boys were in on it yesterday and it ended in a fight between the two boys and a pair of broken glasses. I realize all siblings fight. When two boys with RAD fight it is a whole difference intensity and attitude. I asked what the fear was. The last few weeks when I asked this question I got a sneer and "I'm not afraid of nothin'." Last night I got honesty and then we were able to talk about the fear and where it came from. They were afraid I'd be in an accident when I left them yesterday and wanted to be with me. I explained that very young children go through a stage of being afraid to be away from mom. When she is gone, they cry. They probably missed that stage of development. They have huge anxiety when we are apart. I told them while I do understand this fear we cannot be together every second of every day. I asked if they would like it if they never had the opportunity to be alone and they said no. We reviewed what they are supposed to do when they are afraid: Pray, think of a place where they feel safe and do some EMDR tapping to calm their minds. I'm sure they will have many more times of fear. But last night at least they opened up about it and we had a good talk. I'll take what I can get!

2 kids=2 totally different RADs

I remember writing about the subtypes of RAD. Instead of doing the clinical jargon version I just want to point out how vastly different my 2 sons present their RAD. Older son is passive aggressive. He rarely says no but rarely complies. He says OK but then doesn't do it. He tries to spend all his time hiding in his room or doing activities that keep him away from me. He pretends not to know or understand things, but sometimes really doesn't. That is confusing. He refuses to work at school but can sit and stare into space for hours to keep from doing it. The only time he becomes confrontational is when we try to stop any of this behavior. Then all the anger he has bottled up inside comes out. Nothing is his fault. He does not agree with much of what I have to say. Our youngest son is like the Tasmanian Devil spinning through our house. He breaks much of what he touches. He is loud. He seeks confrontation, physical action and human touch. His anger is overt and EVERYONE is aware of it. I asked our attachment therapist and he said our younger son's presentation is much more common in his practice. I will say that while the younger sons is exhausting to deal with it has been much easier to treat. His crave for human touch has been our "in". Either way, as a parent, my reactions need to be the same. Eye contact, gentle touch, empathy, and attunement with their feelings. Tough stuff to do with a cyclone and a hermit but it can be done. "Never, never, never quit." Winston Churchill.

Listening, Attunement, Validation

Our attachment therapist gave me the three above words to think about after the boys explosions yesterday. They are awesome words. We would all generally say we listen to our kids and spouses. But what does REALLY listening mean?

Listen: Taking the time to stop what you are doing and hear what they are saying. What are they really trying to say and what are they really feeling? When a child explodes about getting a detention and blames the universe are they saying "I hate you all and take no responsibility?" or are they actually saying "I am so frustrated. I am ashamed I blew it again and that I am not doing better and so I sure hope it is someones else's fault and not mine." Think about what is behind the surface words.

Attunement: Being in tune to their emotions and feelings. Look them in the eye lovingly and let them talk. Gently put your hand on a shoulder or arm and let them know you care about what they are going through. Don't worry so much about consequences or whose fault it is at that moment. Think about what is driving the behavior and if the child is feeling sad, glad, mad or scared. If it is mad that is usually a result of sad or scared so go in a little deeper.

Validation: Giving acknowledgment and value to their feelings. "I can see why you would feel that way" "It must be frustrating." "It must hurt your feelings." Show them with your words that what they feel is understandable and not odd or different.

Our goal is to teach them that we are safe and loving parents they can trust, not to WIN each battle.