Caramels and RAD love

For a healthy mom/infant relationship feeding time is so special. That is when we cannot stop looking into their eyes and they are completely locked into ours. They study our faces with such seriousness. They often fall asleep when they are full snuggled into our arms. As toddlers we move them into a high chair and work hard to make sure they are given a proper nutritional balance. We talk, laugh and play as we feed them. They try to feed us. We love them so much we eat their nasty food as they stick it in our mouths and say MMMMMMMM (wondering how on earth babies eat this stuff, except blueberry buckle which was GOOD). We gently wash their faces when they are done and often rock them for their nap afterwards.

Now move into our children's world as infants. If they were fed on time a bottle may have been stuck into their mouths and propped by someone. Then the person probably walked away. This may have been from neglect or it may be because they were in an orphanage that was very busy. There was little snuggling, rocking or emotional connection. As toddlers, they probably moved right into adult food because of lack of resources. I know many families in homes that not functioning well do not sit down to a meal together. Everyone just eats when they are hungry. My boys had little food. I will not go into it but it is a not a surprise they have such emotional feelings about food.

This brings us to the caramels. The sweet melty taste of caramels or vanilla ice cream has that feeling of mother's milk. So snuggling your child and feeding them a caramel or spoons of ice cream while you talk, do Eensy Weensy Spider, sing songs, or tell jokes is an important intimacy builder. It is going back and giving them something they missed that was very important. If they fight you, do it for short periods and make sure it is relaxed and happy. If they are bigger or just cannot handle having you hold them have them lay on the couch while you sit next to them.

One of our boys is going through some real emotional issues with food right now. I am thinking of going back to snuggle time and the caramels with him for awhile and see if it helps. I hope you'll give it a try! Have a healing day!

RAD: What to do?

I thought it might be helpful as I go through the seminar to talk about some of the things we have done to address the issues mentioned. Yesterday was about the feelings of fear, sadness and aggression. Our children don't feel safe and comfortable in their own homes. They show it in a lot of ways. One of mine just paces the floor. Even in his room he will just pace. He can't settle on one activity. They don't remember directions. They used to ask often if we could sell our house and move. They fight constantly and it turns very physical very fast. Ignoring it would mean I don't mind things being broken as they crash around. They constantly are on the search for sugar. It is a desperate need to fill the whole in their hearts with sweetness. They cannot ask for the sugar but want to sneak it because adults don't know to feed their children. Our youngest would insist on sleeping with a flashlight aimed at the window for fear of the "bad guys" coming through it during the night. I believe this is part of why he sleeps on the floor when disregulated. He is not safe. The need to live in absolute filth, to urinate on and break as much as possible and destroy their rooms keeps people away and give them chaos. Oh what else.....well, it doesn't matter. You get the idea and have experienced probably a lot of the same things.

So...we have signs up all over talking about our much we love our family. I have posted some of them. We have family photos every where. When we pull in the drive I often say "It feels so good to be home." While at home "Our home is so cozy." If I see one of them doing a quiet activity I like to go sit near them and read a book. The silence and contentment can be felt. Sometimes they will get up and go to another room if I do it, but sometimes they stay. Family game night, (I have to be honest here. I have always hated board games and so make myself play only on occasion but will sometimes come and make sure I am near while they play with dad), reading, popcorn and a meaningful video you can discuss, washing the car, and going for a walk. Those are some of our family activities. Yes. They will sometimes sabotage the effort, but sometimes they will do it and it means something whether you know it or not. Praying together, going to church together, and having a devotional time together have helped too. I just bought a CD that is Christian Meditation. It was very calming. Bear loved it. He is doing so well. Taz thought it was annoying and bounced around a lot but he will learn. The thing I liked was that you can do it in "Strong sitting" pose. There is a yoga term...Lotus? Maybe. It allows the blood to flow freely to your brain and opens your chest so you can breath deeply. There is some difference of opinion on Strong sitting. I'll talk about that tomorrow. Have a healing day. Get in lots of snuggles, feed your child caramels or ice cream from your hand to their mouth, physical touch at what level it is accepted, loving eyes and empathy!

The Power of Snuggling

I have to confess. I have let up on our Snuggle Time. I do believe it is a powerful tool in our "mom tool box". I've seen my kids faces. With one it is lasting with the other short term but it is important. For those who are not familiar Snuggle Time is when you set aside time each day to snuggle with your child. If you can you hold them similar to a baby. Since mine are now so big (13 & 15 yo boys) I sit on the couch and have them lay across me on the couch with their head on the cushion and my arm under their necks. We talk about anything that is not stressful. I rub their hands, their heads, or arms, even their feet. The heads and feet are supposed to be very effective for a reason that escapes me so if one of you knows please feel free to share. Gently loving eye contact is good if they can maintain but this is not a time to work. The talk should eventually turn to love. Tell them you love them, will never leave. They are safe. Feed them a caramel, ice cream or anything with that creamy sweet taste. You put the food in their mouths, not them. I must determine to go back to doing this each day. I hope you do too.

P.S. I wanted to add: I know it is very difficult to snuggle angry children. They may not want too. You probably won't want too. We have too. Fake it til you make it. If they won't sit down and snuggle stand close with your hand on their shoulder. Do what you can and work toward getting to a snuggle time. Your gentle eyes and smile may help soften them some. Put on some happy music. Mine love oldies. Tell some jokes to lighten the mood. Do what you can and be glad for that accomplishment.