I put these 2 together because they are kind of a reflection of one another.
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers: One our youngest was 3 and 4 he would walk up and hug everyone. We would walk into McDonald's and he would go over to strangers and climb on their laps. As the boys became older they would ask if they could go live with a friends family. They didn't ask this when they were mad, just asking. If we went to an amusement park we had the rule in line that they had to stand in between my husband and myself because they would immediately gravitate toward the people behind or in front of us in line. At LaserQuest just this last summer our family stood together going over our scores. We were ready to leave and ooops, one of our boys hadn't even been with us but was standing with a family of strangers going over his scores. I believe part of this is because as they grew up a stranger could be mom next week. They moved around so much and were told "this is your new family" so often that they did not develop a sense of boundaries. When I walk up to someone if I get too close it is almost like I feel an invisible force stopping me. I don't feel comfortable too close. They don't feel that. They get too close. All we can do is talk to them about this and demonstrate how close is appropriate. Talk about the difference between what we talk about with family and what we talk about with others (that is another whole long topic) . Their people skills are poor other than when they are manipulating and it is a reall hard thing for them to "get".
Lack of Affection on Parent terms (not cuddly):
Ever hug a tree? I have every morning! When I first started hugging my boys they would stiffen. One still does. It is so uncomfortable to them. And yet if I was fixing dinner, carrying laundry or on the phone they would run up with their arms spread wide demanding a hug. They wanted me to reject them. Then they can say "I was right. I cannot trust this mom. Look what she just did." They have to practice hugging me. At first they would put their arms straight around and grab their own hands. A way of avoiding touching me. When I told them not to touch their hands they would make sure their hands were perfectly parallel and it was very loose and stiff. It still is sometimes. Kind of like they are making the letter "O" with their arms and I just happen to be in the middle. They also like to pat my back in a parental way. So they have to learn how a child receives a hug from mom. You know you've made progress when they melt into you and are relaxed. Keep working. It will get there!
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers: One our youngest was 3 and 4 he would walk up and hug everyone. We would walk into McDonald's and he would go over to strangers and climb on their laps. As the boys became older they would ask if they could go live with a friends family. They didn't ask this when they were mad, just asking. If we went to an amusement park we had the rule in line that they had to stand in between my husband and myself because they would immediately gravitate toward the people behind or in front of us in line. At LaserQuest just this last summer our family stood together going over our scores. We were ready to leave and ooops, one of our boys hadn't even been with us but was standing with a family of strangers going over his scores. I believe part of this is because as they grew up a stranger could be mom next week. They moved around so much and were told "this is your new family" so often that they did not develop a sense of boundaries. When I walk up to someone if I get too close it is almost like I feel an invisible force stopping me. I don't feel comfortable too close. They don't feel that. They get too close. All we can do is talk to them about this and demonstrate how close is appropriate. Talk about the difference between what we talk about with family and what we talk about with others (that is another whole long topic) . Their people skills are poor other than when they are manipulating and it is a reall hard thing for them to "get".
Lack of Affection on Parent terms (not cuddly):
Ever hug a tree? I have every morning! When I first started hugging my boys they would stiffen. One still does. It is so uncomfortable to them. And yet if I was fixing dinner, carrying laundry or on the phone they would run up with their arms spread wide demanding a hug. They wanted me to reject them. Then they can say "I was right. I cannot trust this mom. Look what she just did." They have to practice hugging me. At first they would put their arms straight around and grab their own hands. A way of avoiding touching me. When I told them not to touch their hands they would make sure their hands were perfectly parallel and it was very loose and stiff. It still is sometimes. Kind of like they are making the letter "O" with their arms and I just happen to be in the middle. They also like to pat my back in a parental way. So they have to learn how a child receives a hug from mom. You know you've made progress when they melt into you and are relaxed. Keep working. It will get there!
