One thing I hear from Bear often these days is "The only time I am angry is when I am with you." I don't believe this is true but I do believe his anger is worse when he is near me. That is because anger is a secondary emotion that builds from sadness or fear. Yes. When he is near someone who loves him, someone who wants to love he becomes afraid. This makes him angry. It makes him sad. It is a big jumble of confused emotions. I can see the confusion on his face when I talk with him.
If I am gone he has great anxiety. He worries about when I will be home and asks dad every little bit "When will mom be home?" Then when I do get home he runs outs and says "hi" If I try to talk with him he finds away to make it into anger and stomps off. Does this make sense? Yes. It does. He also has a great fear of abandonment. It is really his number one fear. He is afraid of love but his fear of abandonment is even worse consuming so much of his time.
As long as our kids have RAD the age does not matter much. They need lots of reassurance, comforting and empathy. They need special treatment when we leave and when we return. Will it make them angry? YES. But it will also lead to healing. Much as some ointments hurt a wound' empathy, love and care may make our child more afraid and yet help them to feel safe.
Never, never, never quit!