Let's see. First, I want to make sure you all know this is just mom's opinion stuff. Not professional advice. OK.
The first way I work at staying calm is that "I" go to therapy. I have not been for 3 weeks. I am feeling it. I start back with our EMDR therapist on Monday. She is near where I go to college so I can go a couple of hours before class. Have an hour to eat and regroup and then go to class. I will try every other Monday and see how I feel. I may be able to go to once a month but I don't know. I need that time to vent, air my deepest feelings and receive feed back on what is balanced and what is out there.
The second thing is that when they are raging we have to be very careful. To me the main objective at that point is deescalation. So find what works for that child. For both of my boys softening my voice, a gentle touch and allowing them a few minutes alone on the couch to calm themselves is good. If they go to their room it cannot be for long. There is a difference in calming yourself and isolating yourself. It can turn into that if they stay too long. If they absolutely cannot calm themselves here are some things that have worked for me. I will say calmly, with no sarcasm (if you know me, the no sarcasm is hard) "I am setting the timer for 10 minutes, an hour whatever (a little longer than however their rages usually last). I would like for you to scream and yell and let all your anger out for that amount of time". Mine absolutely refuse to yell after I say that. Forget whatever the topic is at that moment and go back to it when they are calm if it is important.
For calming yourself: Go easy on yourself. You are going to mess up. Get over it and move on. Do not over estimate the importance of their rages. Tell them at quiet times you are glad they are letting all their rage out. Do not criticise or discourage the rages because it will actually encourage them. If you need to put them some place safe and put yourself in a quiet place do so. It helps me to look at it analytically. I tell myself to use my logical mind and not my emotional mind. When I feel the emotions welling up I say "Stop and think logically." My husband is an accountant so I tell myself to think like him. I am not saying he does not get angry. I'm saying much of the time he is the most logical thinking person I know.
Last I would look and see if you can find a pattern to the rages. Are they are certain times each day? After or before a certain event? My boy's often have it before or after I leave. The separation anxiety is huge. So it helps to talk about me leaving and coming back before I go. I have them think of some sweet way to let me know they were thinking about me while we were apart and I try to bring them some small thing, like a pack of gum when I get back. I go on and on about how I missed them and am glad to see them. This really helps them. I now sometimes come home to little signs that say "Welcome Home Mom".
I'm so glad you all are giving me your thoughts and asking questions. You are an encouragement and an inspiration to me.