Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Real Mom

Theresa posted this yesterday and I thought it was so good I asked her if I could copy it. Give her a visit at:We May Not Have It All Together, But Together We Have It All

"I think I've posted this before, about what to do/say when an adopted child continues to tell you that you are not their REAL mom (and, like with all ideas, you'd have to use it for your child only as sees fit for you, your family, your child and situation)......BUT, I had one son who used this a lot. Finally, we had a conversation that went a bit like this:Son: "I'm not going to school today and you can't make me because you're not my real mom!"Me: OHHHH....I get it. You mean I'm not your VAGINA mom! Thank you for reminding me about that - I'm so glad you came to me a different way and not from my VAGINA...you know, it really hurts to have a baby through your vagina. See, the baby's head is really big and doesn't fit through the opening in the vagina until the mom pushes and pushes, and sometimes it rips her skin and......Son: "That's disgusting! Stop talking about that!! I'm going to school...." Depending on the needs of the child, it wouldn't be an appropriate response for every one....but in this case, it worked just fine.Sometimes I will make a silly comment like "Well, I'm not a plastic mom and I'm not an aluminum foil mom and I'm not a styrofoam mom....guess I MUST be a real mom!" Sometimes I offer to let them touch me to see if I'm real. I usually get eye rolls.....but we move on. Feign surprise. As if it's the first time you are realizing you did not grow this child in your belly.Oppositely, act like that's the dumbest thing you've heard in a while - "Why are you telling me that? You think I didn't already KNOW that you didn't grow in my belly? I WAS there for your adoption - remember? I'm pretty aware of how we came to be related. But thanks for making sure I'm still in the loop here!"Or - "You mean I'm not your BIRTH mom? You're right. I think that makes you a pretty cool kid - you get to have TWO moms. Not everyone gets two moms - your birth mom AND me!" Or - "I'm not your birth mom - but I AM your mom. You can decide some things, but you can't tell ME who *I* am - and, to me, I'm your mom. Another thing I know for sure is that I love you more than any mom ever loved any kid." (Add a "so there!" at the end, for extra emphasis....lol)Some moms opt for the touchier-feelier comments like "You didn't grow in my belly; you grew in my heart." There is a place for all that - but I haven't found that it's the right answer for any of my kids right when they're trying to fight with me about something...Whenever there is a "real mom" comment, I think there is usually some internal conflict to their feelings of loyalty or love or betrayal with their birth mom comingled with whatever message they are trying to give to their other mother here. I always try to make sure that they understand that I am NOT in competition with their birth mom and that I actually approve of their remembering and honoring their birth mom - even in the worst of situations, most kids have loyalty and/or identity issues - and what we can always agree on, if nothing else, is that I am glad she gave birth to this child - that act alone has blessed my life. Honor their past. Honor their birth family. Honor ALL that your child is. Without it, I rarely find a child to make any progress in healing at all...... "

7 comments:

Denise said...

I really enjoyed this post - "Vagina Mom"...too funny! :) I'll have to remember that one! Hope all is well with you, Brenda.

Brenda said...

Welllll. I had 3 warts cut out of my foot today. It REALLY hurt. I am laying in the recliner with my foot elevated for the day.

Rachelle said...

That was a great post!! Sorry about your foot.

ali said...

OH MY brenda! i had that done TWICE. 7 the 1st time and 3 the 2nd, then the virus left me finally.i had both feet done both times. NO FUN to recover from. that gauze goes much deeeper than ya think too. TAKE IT EASY.TAKE THE MEDS LOL i am tough as nails, but it wasnt a thrill. the hardest part was having to cover my feet while i healed. i like sandals! i hope you bounce back quick. you may have to go once more, but catching them early helps.(i ignored it forever, not knowing what the heck it was!)anyway, feel better.
strangel, jackson never tells me i am not his Real Mom. he just calls me a fat pig. shrug.

Brenda said...

Ali,

I didn't catch it early. I had them scraped in July and it didn't work. I have had them for...maybe 4 or 5 months. I can't stand the thought of doing it again at this point!

Renee said...

LOL - I love the responses. My kids usually point out that I'm not their real mom when I say things like "Don't make me regret giving birth to you!" or "I gave you life and I can take it away!" Both said in jest as my kids know - and usually in a public place where they all start screaming/laughing "Oh, no you dinna!"

Christine said...

I read this. I enjoyed reading it. I must say however that I am my adopted kids' real mom in every stretch of the imagination.