Thursday, August 13, 2009

RADs effect on siblings

We have worked so hard on trying to be good parents to all 5 of our kids. I'm sure each of you do the same for yours. When our little ones first came I took the girls out alone after the little boys were in bed for some "girl time". I'd sometimes let them vent about their frustrations of suddenly having 3 little brothers. Sometimes we'd just go do something and not talk about it at all. As the years have gone by our girls have had to put up with a lot.

There were times when the boys demanded all of our time and strength. There were times when I had no emotional strength left to give our girls. They have put up with listening to 2 of the boys verbally and emotional abuse their mom, destroy many things in the home and embarrass them in front of friends. They have not had people over because they didn't want them to hear the boy's raging. They themselves have been personally attacked through stealing, being yelled at or lied too.

There have been so many times I've wondered if I damaged our girls and let them down.

So tonight I asked. Dancer and in her kind and gracious way she replied that "no, mom...it has been good." They have learned the world is bigger than themselves, that the monetary things don't make them happy, and that they can make a difference. She is going to be a jr in college and is looking for a job working with kids. She wants to help people.

I'm so blessed.

7 comments:

Mom 4 Kids said...

I appreciate this. This is one of my top fears in all this, how is this going to affect the other kids in the long run?

Brenda said...

I think it is a top fear for all of us.

peggysue said...

Its funny, because I was just reading a prayer request from a family with two boys who will be adopting a little girl who is almost three, also from an orphanage as our daughter was . . . and we had no idea what lay beneath the surface when we brought her home. I am praying their daughter will not have the same issues we encountered and figured out slowly over time.

So much of my time, energy and last reserves of patience have gone towards one child and I feel I've slighted the others, as you said. I should ask them some time what they think. . . I know they are often good about playing games with their sister and have put up with a lot, not as much as your scenario, but some things . . . perhaps it is only my perception that anyone has been slighted, but you only have so much attention to give out at one time.

For some reason I thought one of the boys in your photo was your biological son, I didn't know all three were special additions.

waldenbunch said...

You have nailed this issue. We have been through hell and back with our 3 adopted siblings and still struggle 9 years laters. My 2 bio kids have been incredible, but I have the same fears as you. But these 2 will tell you that they are who they are because of what our family has been through. It hasn't been a lot of fun, but building character usually isn't. I also know that I have made huge efforts to be available to my bio kids so I know they're okay. It's a lot of work but it's God's call on our lives.

Brenda said...

Peggysue~We adopted a sibling group of 3. 2 of them had RAD. One has done very well. Taz has been doing pretty well lately too. It is Bear who is our main concern now.

Waldenbunch~It is a very tough road, I agree.

Life's Mom said...

This was beautifully said - I hope both of my bio children can say the same thing in a few years. All is a little too fresh right now - we are only one year into this. But my older bio daughter (who has been affected the most) thinks she might like to study child psychology. She would definitely not be naive to the challenges ahead.

familygregg said...

This is what makes me cry most of all. The wounds to siblings.