Alcoholics Anonymous

As a part of the Group Processes class I am taking we were to attend a group of some kind for 8 weeks. I have gone to six AA meetings so far. I am adament about holding their rule about privacy and will not discuss any individuals or their situations but would like to discuss AA in general. First of all here is the link to Alcoholic's Anonymous This has been a great learning experience for me. This is a place where people who have had lives altered by the use of alcohol can find complete understanding. They receive helpful information, support and, from what they say, great strength in battling their alcholoism. These people who have attended for several years seem so wise. They have truly dealt with life's "stuff" and know they need to be there and work to stay sober. If you or a loved one have difficulty in your life because of alcohol check out the website and please consider attending a meeting. There are closed meetings for people struggling with alcohol only. There are open meetings for anyone wanting to attend and learn more. I have been attending an open meeting and was received with open arms. I have made friends for a life time and am honored to be a part of their group. I may not attend each week when my class is done but I will be back for sure as I have learned much and really look forward to seeing these friends. If you are wondering if alcohol is a problem for you and you may be an alcoholic please check this website as well. It has the C.A.G.E. assessment which is commonly used as one of the beginning steps in diagnosing Alcoholism. If you're score indicates there is a problem you should check further into it with either a professional counselor or AA.

I am leaving for a Women of Faith conference. Have a healing weekend.

Role Playing Therapy

Last night in Group Therapy class we role played a family in therapy. Our prof was the therapist. She is actually the director of a group home so knows her stuff. She chose me to play the 16 yo......I pretended to be Taz and just took it down a notch or two to try and be "regular defiant" rather than "RAD defiant". I learned a few things: I really did not hear some of what the therapist said because I was thinking about how to blame mom, bug the sister and brother and stop the therapist from blaming me. I sometimes agreed with the therapist in order not to look bad. I sometimes agreed to get her to move on. I sometimes agreed so she would stop talking to me. I felt myself emotionally escalating as I tried to prove my point....Great experience. I'm sure my emotions were no where near as strong as my kids when we were in therapy but I think I will be a lot more understanding of the position in which they are placed the next time we attend. What is that old saying about walking a mile in someones shoes?

The Power of Gentlenss

When we think of power we often think of someone who is physically very strong. Or maybe we think of someone with strong political power. Maybe it means someone with a lot of money. In our homes there are different kinds of power. Our children with RAD fear they have no power, no control over their lives. How do we as adults feel when our lives feel out of control? It is easy at times to resort to authoritarian methods of parenting. We fear losing control of our own homes. Maybe we think that happened the day our child moved in.

There is great power in gentleness. Human touch used appropriately can change lives. It goes right to the soul.

When you feel yourself feeling overwhelmed, out of control and think you are weak: Remember to be gentle, to touch, to comfort. They may initially reject it but keep going. It is powerful.

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

RAD anger at mom

There are a couple of anonymous comments from a post a couple of days ago that really have me thinking. Sometimes, since I have been on this road of parenting children with RAD for so many years, I forget there are people in different places on the path. So I wanted to talk once again about the anger our kids show which is aimed mainly at mom.

I do use the phrase "Don't take it personally" often. I should explain once in awhile to any new comers why I say that. When that trust cycle was broken at an early age for our children it did something physically to their brains. Early childhood trauma increases the work in the fight, flight or freeze section of the brain and decreases the use of the logic part of the brain. It also affects the way the neurotransmitters function in the brain. This, in turn, causes many of our children's unusual behaviors. Fear, an over whelming anxiety of abandonment, are the driving forces in keeping us away. If I allow myself to love this woman, to attach to her, she will leave me; I will not allow that to happen again. And so they use the "Keep away from me woman" behaviors: poor hygiene, urination, foul language, hurtful words, defiance to keep us at arms length. It is up to us to decide if we will a) allow these fearful behaviors to work at keeping us away b) take it personally or put on our therapeutic parenting cap and get over it....I know there are days when this is very very hard to do.

Here are some ways I keep myself strong enough to do this:

1) spiritual care: I take the time for my spiritual growth and relationship with God. He keeps me strong and gives me wisdom
2)physical care: I take the time to work out, eat healthy foods, breath fresh out door air and get enough sleep.
3)emotional care: I talk with friends, go on leisurely walks into the country, go to therapy when I need it, take time alone doing things I enjoy to refuel my beaten down emotions

Have a healing day and never, never, never quit.

Does Jesus Care?

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain:Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary,
the long nights dreary,I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Hurray for our kids

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Tough week for this. Going to do it anyway.....

Eagle: Had a job interview but didn't get the job. Has a great attitude and is working on her next plan of action with an employment agency.

Dancer: Haven't actually heard much from her this week. I need to give the girl a call!

Fish: Did something wrong and went to the adult involved and told them and then apologized. That is a man.

Bear: Is catching back up on some school work and so has raised a grade that was low.

Taz: Is doing a good job of getting his school work done at school so he doesn't have so much homework.

Light Bulb Moment!!!!!!

I was a child in the 60s and a big fan of Bugs Bunny. So when I have a light bulb moment I literally see a light bulb lighting up above my head. Weird, but hey, I never claimed anything else. I had one of those moments last night. Taz and I went for a walk out in the country. Great for me in many ways, great for him for depression, ADHD; great for our relationship because it is a chance to talk while looking straight ahead in a non threatening environment. We are having trouble with someone taking money in our house. We have searched the house high and low with no signs of it. Someone has an excellent hiding spot with a big wad in it. More was taken on Tuesday. Taz is our lead suspect at this point with Bear a close second. He said while we were walking that he did not like being blamed for something he did not do. We get the same story from Bear.

Light bulb lights up!

I said "Taz, what if you truly did not do it. I knew you did not do it and I still blamed you, punished you, was angry with you and tried to make you miserable anyway?" He said that wouldn't be right and he would be mad........Do you see where I am going?

I said "Taz this is what has been going on for the last 10 years. You know I am not bmom. You know I have not left you -am not going to leave you. You punish me, are angry with me and try to make me miserable anyway." I saw an "ah ha" moment cross his face.

Now mind you this is a child who has gone through a LOT of work with his thinking process. RAD is more than just an understanding of separating bmom from new mom. The brain has been changed by trauma and we have worked long and hard on this. It is, however, a little cog on the wheel of his understanding. We had an excellent evening after this.

RAD is like an onion. Peel back the layers one at a time patiently. Some tears will be involved. It stinks...Wow it really is like an onion. Keep on peeling.

Hypocrisy in Parenting

I have felt like a hypocrite lately. Taz has had some major regressions going on. Whether it is RAD regressions or bipolar seems to be unclear even to the professionals. He is exhausting. Between his constant repetitive singing~ Currently it is "I like Big Butts". or walking around repeating "decapitation" over and over it is tiring. I say "you are safe" "you are loved" but do I actually demonstrate that I mean this? Some days it is a resounding NO. Nancy Thomas has a picture in When Love is Not Enough of haggard parents that has always tickled me. Can a child attach to a parent who is frazzled, who is saying one thing and demonstrating another. What I think I demonstrate when this is going on is that "I" don't feel safe. Sometimes we have to deal with our own stuff before we can really deal with theirs.

We all know what we need to do: Empathy, loving touch, structure in their days.......

When I am tired of it all I tend to hide out. I can hide out behind my computer, or errands or the TV. It is a way of not dealing. I do not consider these healthy ways of dealing with the stress as I do not feel better when they are done. Healthy ways of dealing with the stress for me are exercise, talking with a friend, prayer or Bible reading, going to an activity that is relaxing, dating my husband. So...... like we tell them it is all about choices.. What choices will the grown ups make today?

Peace

Everyone wants peace in their lives. What does peace mean to you? No fighting, no war, no place to run to this evening? Internal peace can some times be effected by what is going on around us. Things we have no control over. Having a child with RAD can disrupt the peace in my house. He can stir up everyone with home he comes into contact.

Here are some things we do to keep peace in our house....sometimes it is to get peace in our house because we have let the uproar back in.

I believe peace in our hearts begins with a relationship with God. Reading the Word, praying, singing praise songs all bring me peace. Take time for your spiritual life.

Taking the kids for a walk, playing soft uplifting music, having a reading time, gentle back or shoulder rubs brings peace in the kid's behavior.

Sometimes no matter what we do other people may be yelling and disrupting. If I can keep myself regulated by 1)not taking it personally 2) Remembering the scared little boy in the monster suit 3) taking time for my own rejuvenation 4) think of what lies under the behavior-fear or sadness usually

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 26:3,4

Mama's Emotional Eating

This last winter I gained 10 lbs again. Argh. I hate that. The majority of it is due to emotional eating. I do still work out regularly. It is my stress reliever. I need to work out like I need oxygen. It is nice enough for me to walk now and I find the fresh air invigorating.

Then there is the eating. I will work at getting it under control and slowly and gradually instead of talking and praying about my feelings I turn back to food. Pretty weird since it really gives nothing back. It is a vicious cycle too. I eat because I am upset. I gain weight. I am upset. I eat. I have been working hard the last couple of weeks at getting back into a healthy way of talking and dealing with my emotions. It is hard when you are a quieter person to seek people out. It is hard when you are a private person to open up about failures and frustrations. We need to do it if we want to be healthy.

I find that when I am at a healthy weight and am exercising I have more energy. I feel stronger. When I feel more energetic and stronger I tend to relate to other people better, including my children. Maybe it isn't a problem for you all but it is once again the focus of my battle. Here we go again!

For the Beauty of the Earth

by John Rutter

For the beauty of the earth

For the beauty of the skyes

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies

Over and around us lies

Lord of all to thee we raise

This our joy ful hymn of praise

For the beauty of the hour

Of the day and of the night

Hill and vale

And tree and flower

Sun and moon and stars of light

Lord of all to thee we raise

This our joy ful hymn of praise

For the joy of human love

Brother, sister, parent, child

Friends on earth

And friends above

For a gentle

Thoughts and mild

For a gentle

Thoughts and mild

Lord of all to thee we raise

This our joy ful hymn of praise

For each perfect gift of thine

To our race so freely given

Graces human and divine

Flow'rs of earth and buds of heav'n

Flow'rs of earth and buds of heav'n

Lord of all to thee we raise

This our joy ful hymn,

our joy ful hymn of praise

This our joy ful hymn of praise

Hurray for our kids

One month of school left!!! We are excited around here because this is our last year of middle school. I found that the 12-14 age have been so difficult for me to deal with and am thrilled to be moving on. All 3 of our boys will be in high school next year. Dancer will be a jr in college. Eagle will be working and living on her own. Here is how our week went.

Eagle: Had a difficult job/interview situation and handled it like a pro.

Dancer: Has found a summer job!

Fish: Has picked out colleges to visit next year and is very excited about them.

Bear: Has a couple of job applications filled out that we will deliver this afternoon.

Taz: Has been getting his work done at school so hasn't had so much homework.

Free Family Fun - RAD style

The weather is finally warming up. With the economy the way it is and the loss of so much of our college funds we have been coming up with ways to entertain the family that are free or low cost. With a child with RAD family outings can be challenging because they often cannot handle the pressure of that much togetherness. Here is my list with a few suggestions I have added some RADifications at the end.

Walking trails - take the camera and make each a special hunt. Our last trip was a hunt for signs of new life. The photo above and below are from our walk last Sunday.

Look for free museums. There are many small museums that are no cost.

Check out programs at the public library.

Volunteer at an animal shelter. - they may have age limits.

Call interesting manufacturers and ask for tours.

Pack a simple sack lunch together and spend the afternoon at the park.

Make scavenger hunts. Write out a list of things they must find and go out into a neighborhood or park in search.

Plan out a vegetable or flower garden on paper. Go seed shopping. You'll save on your grocery bill. Plant a salad! lettuce, radishes, onions, cucumbers, tomatoes.

Take a sketch pad outside and draw together

Roller skating in the drive way

teach your child to grill

Use a fire pit to roast hot dogs and marshmallows (our favorite)

Go to the library and get a book on birds and go bird watching

With kids with RAD they do need some preparation. I usually do not tell about a special activity until right before or the anxiety about going will cause them to act out. When we are ready to go we explain what we are doing simply. Let them know you plan on them succeeding. If they begin to get anxious stop and get it under control right away rather than let it escalate. This may mean sitting down for a few minutes. Stop and have them run some races in a grassy area. Physcial exertion will help. Remind them of their EMDR tapping, slow breathing, whatever method you use to help calm. Since most of them have ADHD a complete change in subject such as starting to tell jokes, sing songs or say "Hey remember when..." will distract them from whatever they are anxious about. If you are going some place in public develop a signal such as a wink that says "Hey. I see you are acting out and want to have a loud fit in public. Go ahead." Then when they start in give them the wink. It works for mine really well. Springtime family activities can still be fun as long as they are kept fairly short, involve some physical activity and Mom can stay regulated! Have a healing day!

Feeding a large family/picky eaters

Many of us have large families. You can decide what large is. Feeding them healthy foods they like can be a challenge. We try to eat a fairly high protein/low refined carb/high complex carb diet because of one with bipolar.

Cooking the meat on the grill seems to make it more enticing to them. None of us are big meat eaters. I find putting on a little cheese or allowing them to dip it in ranch dressing also helps. Shredding vegetables tiny and then mixing them into other foods works for getting in the veggies.

Any tips for picky eaters or recipes you'd like to share?

Holding/Restraining RAD

First a big THANK YOU to every one who commented yesterday. I hope moms who read this receive some big help from you all.

I believe there are 3 types of holding I would like to talk about. The first one is a form of Attachment therapy that is no longer used. Attach has prepared a White Paper on Coercian that covers it. I will not discuss it except to say that Attachment therapists don't use it any longer and if you run across old literature and wonder what they are talking about, this is it. Attachment therapy is constantly changing and becoming more nurturing and empathetic and I really like what I am seeing.

The second is actually called Snuggle Time. This is in NO way coercive. This is when you sit on a couch, bed, or chair with our child. If they will fit you hold them as you do a young child, if they are to big they can just lay with their head on your arm and stretch out across the couch. When mine got too big (I have one who is 6') you can just have them lay on the couch and sit next to them with your hand on the arm or lean across and put your hand on the far arm. If they do not want to do this you just use whatever method they are comfortable with because feeling as ease is important for this activity. It may have to start with standing near them and your hand on their shoulder. They may not even allow that. While making eye contact you talk about fun things, tell jokes, laugh, ask about their week, let them know you love them and will be there forever and feed them caramels or ice cream from your hand to their mouth. It has a sweetness somewhat like mother's milk and is very nurturing. This was very strong for us. Powerful.

The third hold is response to a rage. Here is the first step: Find out what is legal in your state. Call you social services or police department. Check with your therapist. Call a residential treatment facility. You may find a lot of people don't know. But be careful to do what is safe and legal. In some states NO HOLD is legal. If that is true do not do it. Ask your therapist for other ideas. It may come down to calling the police and getting help if your child becomes that violent. Once you are aware of what hold is considered safe in your state, use it only when absolutely necessary. The first thing I would do if Taz raged was to send the other kids to their rooms. You don't want them to a) be attacked b)accidently get hit by something the child throws c) be traumatized watching this child screaming and hitting. Then follow the advice of the wise moms who have posted the last couple of days. I want to end with these words by Dr. Becker-Weidmann that he posted a couple of days ago.

" It is important to try to figure out what is underneath or causing the rage: wanting affection or attention, feeling afraid or threatened, a trauma trigger, or something else....it is that which is driving the rage that you want to respond to and which will, in the long run, help the rage to stop."

Physical violence on our part is never the answer. We have to stay emotionally regulated through out their rages. Sometimes I find this easy. Sometimes it is hard. He will work hard to say things that he knows upset me because he seems to feed off of my emotional chaos. Do not allow that to happen. Have a healing day.

Rage Survey

I am taking a survey on various methods of dealing with rage. At this point I'd like ideas other than holding. I've been going over a blog on holding and I will talk just about that tomorrow. It is important enough to take up about 5 blog posts, I think. Anyway, what are some methods you have of dealing with rages? It is such a serious problem but common with RAD. Here is a suggestion sent in by mom:

"It was amazing when I would get on with my life, how, fast the rages stopped. He was made to pay me, and the entire family's time back for every second his rage took away from peace in the family. We did everything from early bedtime to start (which we all needed anyway) to respite with a fun family outing at the end.

At the end I would drop him and whisper understandingly, empathetically, of his birth mom and it got real deep and personal. He HATED it. I would whisper things into his ear that would truly make him scream. Things about his abandonment that he was holding back, of orphanage life, etc... Enough said? He found other ways to get out his anxiety...I made him not want to rage."

I would like to say that any words we say while they are raging need to be sincere, calm and loving. We should not be sarcastic, yell nor be cruel. Or intent needs to love, make them feel safe and give them what they need. If you have any information about holding of any sort please email me at radmoms@hotmail.com and I may include it tomorrow. Otherwise you can just wait and post tomorrow. I can't wait to hear your ideas.

RAD rages

I remember the rages Taz had. I will never forget them. They would end with us both physically and emotionally exhausted, actually physically sweating. They kept escalating until they came to a point where I felt it was becoming an unhealthy way of releasing emotion for him and a way of ensuring physical contact. Don't get me wrong, in the beginning they were driven by fear of closeness. They were a way of letting out a lot of pent up rage and fear. Then they became a way of expressing emotion. One day as I looked at the bruises on my arms a friend asked me what triggered the rages. How did he look right before? I began to study his face. I watched what kinds of things set him off. A rage study so to speak. Then as I'd see that look I'd say "You are going to start screaming and yelling." He was so defiant that he'd clamp those lips and not do it just to prove me wrong. If one of the situations was going to happen that I knew would throw him into a rage I'd say "This is going to happen. If you need to you can scream, kick the walls and doors" He'd say he didn't need too. If none of this work I would cheer him on. I'd say "come on you can yell louder. Kick harder. Hit more". He would stop.

There was the day he would not stop kicking the wall. I started counting the kicks loudly. He stopped and said "What are you doing?" I told him I was counting the kicks. "Why?" Because dad and I had made a bet and whoever got the closest was going to get a latte. "Well I can make sure neither one of you win". Total silence. Later that night I said "I'll see you all later. I'm meeting a friend for a latte."

There is a time and place for everything. Rages are an unfortunate part of the process. If your child has them, please take extra tender care of yourself during this time. An hour or two to go to the library, get a cup of coffee or just go work out will do you wonders. Find your support. You need to talk about it. Be careful who you choose. Find people who will not tell you that they told you so or that will be shocked. Find people who will say they are there for you. They will listen and that they care. Find people who will pray for you and lift you up, not beat you further down.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))) to all.

Hurray for our kids

Happy Easter! We are having beautiful spring like weather in Nebraska today! It lifts the mood. I plan on going on a long walk this afternoon! So what positives have you seen in your kids this week.

Taz: He is my challenge this week.....He has asked for hugs a couple of times

Bear: Continues to raise the grades for which I am thankful.

Fish: Just does what he is supposed to do when he is supposed to do it. That is big when you are struggling with others

Dancer: Is home for Easter!!! She is encouraging!

Eagle: Continues to work hard on her studies and on looking for a job. Such determination!

I know some of you have had tremendous struggles the last few days. If you just can't think of anything about some of them rejoice in the positives of other family members!

A positive thing I have done for myself lately is joining Facebook. I don't talk about my own kids RAD or other problems on there because I am friends with some of the teens in town that know my kids. I am happy to discuss things going on with your own kids though. I have made a photo page on there called Family with the heading Finding Joy in every day. I have become a photo hound and take photos many times during the week when fun activity is going on with any family member. I have found that it 1) makes the event even more fun 2) has caused me to realize how much fun we do have and seek out more opportunities 3) post photos on Facebook that my kids share with their friends and then they too realize we are having fun together!

Secret grudges

Do you ever catch yourself secretly holding a grudge, building up resentment for what has happened in your home? I will sometimes catch myself reading meaning into every action and word my child with RAD says. I will sometimes say no because I'm angry for the way I've been treated. We need to talk with friends, family and God about our feelings and not bottle them up. When we don't say out loud "I am angry with this child because of yada yada" we can build up resentment.

During this long weekend I am going to focus on thinking positive about my child. I'm going to work hard at believing any positive words they say and carefully considering the validity of his negative words. Forgiveness is powerful. In Sunday School a couple of weeks ago we talked about it. Our pastor uses this example. It is like we are in a box. Every time we do something out of anger or resentment it is like we put up a bar across the front of the opening until we have imprisoned ourselves in a prison of unforgiveness.

Everyone deserves to be loved as they are. Today...embrace and forgive.

While you are at it remember to be thankful for the unfathomable Gift today represents.

"The Motions"-Matthew West

Insanity is Hereditary. You get it from your children

Tough times in this house hold. Blah. What I wanted to say is that mom's tend to constantly question our selves. We wonder what it is we are doing wrong. Our children's behavior is not always the result of something we are doing right or wrong. Sometimes it is their choice. Sometimes they cannot help it. If you are doing the right things in parenting, and you know what they are, and things are not going well. Stop. Take a step back. Are you so overly emotionally involved that you lose focus of the other parts of your life? I am very much guilty of this at times. Focus on your healthy relationships, take care of your body, take care of your spirit. You may be doing the right things and things can still go badly. Keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other.

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on its way!

For those of us of the Christian faith Easter is a very special time. The resurrection of our Savior. The beginning of new life. There are many special things to do with RADlings on Easter. Of course, you can find tons of ideas on all the parenting sites but RADlings need things done with a little flare.

We still do Easter baskets even though my kids are big. Even my husband and I get one. We do very little candy because of what it does to our kids behavior. Little trinkets, card games, nail polish for the girls, jewelry, etc are in ours instead. We usually have a christian CD instead of a stuffed animal.

We still color eggs most years. It is a chance to do something as a family as well as a chance to sneak some protein into the diet. People with mood disturbances do well to have more protein in their diets and less of the refined carbs. Read Potatoes Not Prozac for more info. Not saying I'm against prozac. Some of my kids are on meds and it is because they medically need them. Taking turns hiding plastic eggs around the house is always fun. Playing "You're getting hotter or colder" seems to be never ending fun.

There are many videos out there about Easter and they are for about every age group from Veggie Tales up to the Passion. Our boys are watching The Passion with youth group for the first time. I'm a little anxious as to how it will affect Bear. I'm thinking somehow it will become all about him but we will see.

We generally take a lot of photos on Easter. We usually get something new to wear. Money is tight this year so we just got one new thing to go with something we already have.

We will probably roast hot dogs and make s'mores on the fire pit on Saturday and have a big dinner on Sunday.

Fill your long weekend with family times. Don't let the child with RAD run the show. If he or she tries have them do a quiet "time in" and sit next to you for awhile. Or have them run some races, jump on the mini tramp, do some jumping jacks. If it is nice go for a long walk as a family. Keep them moving! And have a blessed Easter as we remember the season of New Life.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional

All of us are going to experience pain. It is just part of life. Imagine that a cup of hot steaming coffee is continuously exploding. What would happen to us if we hold tightly onto that cup? We would suffer. The pain of exploding glass and steaming hot coffee would be horrific. And yet how many of us hold on tightly to whatever problem is before us?

Instead if we let go and keep our hands back just a little from the cup we experience pain but not suffering. So when our child is in a rage, if we step back and don't take it personally we are not suffering with them. If we don't get caught up into their lack of attachment but realize it is due to brain changes from their past, we don't have the suffering.
If we try to pull back to far it is not wise either. Our hands will generally go right back to the tight grip on the situation. Just far enough to experience the pain but keep ourselves from suffering more than was meant is correct.

You can also use the example of handing the cup to God as giving your pain to God. This example can work for ourselves and can work with older children. What cup are you holding on tightly too?

Reactive Attachment Disorder Miracle

Hurray for our Kids

Eagle: Had another job interview this week and has applied for several more. The girl keeps plugging away!

Dancer: Is coming home for Easter! YES!

Fish: Won second place in a math contest at school

Bear: Is raising his grades

Taz: Has a good heart to heart talk with me the other night.

"I Want to Be a Hermit"

Last night my son made this announcement. This was Taz who is healing from RAD. He has been having a rough go of it lately. He also suffers from bipolar and when he is manic if we are not careful to dish out love we see the RAD issues creep back in.

We talked about the logistics: food, clothing, heat, shelter and he realized it probably isn't doable. He says he is thinking about it a lot. I let him know I would miss him and that it is sad he doesn't want any people around. I have to admit there are days when I'd like to be a hermit too.

Food Hoarding

My good friend Linda has some of this going on at her house. It is a common occurrence in children who suffered from neglect in their early years. I believe there are several reasons why. Here is what I've been told. First: If the child was in an orphanage or on the streets for the first few years this may have been the norm for survival. While you may be providing them with plenty of food now this old fear of not having enough runs deep. Second: If they suffered neglect they were sometimes not fed. They still have this same fear of not getting what they need. Third: There is something wrong. Their is a whole in their heart and they are filling it with food because they don't know what is wrong. (How many of us are guilty of emotional eating? I'm raising my hand) Fourth: Food is the on consistent thing in their lives of constant moving, betrayal and abandonment. It takes on the emotional quality of a friend who comforts them.

There are several ways to deal with this. I have one friend who says his kids can "Eat what you want as it is not right before a meal." This takes all emotion from the food as far as emotion given by mom about it. I have heard of people preparing a goody bag of acceptable foods and having them keep it in their room. It should be made clear that you understand they need this while they are developing their trust in you. They need to know that others in the house who have developed the trust don't have these goody bags and they won't need them for ever either. They are to let you know when they don't need it any more. Alarms on the bedroom door prevent midnight refrigerator raids. We do this or entire boxes of food disappear. Snuggle time each day when you feed them caramels or vanilla ice cream from your hand to their mouth can help satisfy this need for sugar.

I don't know if any of this helps. This is a tough area if you let your emotions enter the picture. It has to be seen as a symptom of an illness. It is a part of RAD. We need to work on building empathy, trust, gentle physical touch. Just treating the symptoms is like treating the symptom of a physical illness. The symptom will not fully subside until the illness is gone.

If your child has been healing from RAD as Linda's child and Taz have, this can be a clear warning sign that they are regressing and need some TLC. If they had the flu would we be angry? No we would give them TLC. Same needs to happen here. Easier said then done, I know. Be the grown up here. Be strong. Together we can help our children heal.