First a big THANK YOU to every one who commented yesterday. I hope moms who read this receive some big help from you all.
I believe there are 3 types of holding I would like to talk about. The first one is a form of Attachment therapy that is no longer used. Attach has prepared a White Paper on Coercian that covers it. I will not discuss it except to say that Attachment therapists don't use it any longer and if you run across old literature and wonder what they are talking about, this is it. Attachment therapy is constantly changing and becoming more nurturing and empathetic and I really like what I am seeing.
The second is actually called Snuggle Time. This is in NO way coercive. This is when you sit on a couch, bed, or chair with our child. If they will fit you hold them as you do a young child, if they are to big they can just lay with their head on your arm and stretch out across the couch. When mine got too big (I have one who is 6') you can just have them lay on the couch and sit next to them with your hand on the arm or lean across and put your hand on the far arm. If they do not want to do this you just use whatever method they are comfortable with because feeling as ease is important for this activity. It may have to start with standing near them and your hand on their shoulder. They may not even allow that. While making eye contact you talk about fun things, tell jokes, laugh, ask about their week, let them know you love them and will be there forever and feed them caramels or ice cream from your hand to their mouth. It has a sweetness somewhat like mother's milk and is very nurturing. This was very strong for us. Powerful.
The third hold is response to a rage. Here is the first step: Find out what is legal in your state. Call you social services or police department. Check with your therapist. Call a residential treatment facility. You may find a lot of people don't know. But be careful to do what is safe and legal. In some states NO HOLD is legal. If that is true do not do it. Ask your therapist for other ideas. It may come down to calling the police and getting help if your child becomes that violent. Once you are aware of what hold is considered safe in your state, use it only when absolutely necessary. The first thing I would do if Taz raged was to send the other kids to their rooms. You don't want them to a) be attacked b)accidently get hit by something the child throws c) be traumatized watching this child screaming and hitting. Then follow the advice of the wise moms who have posted the last couple of days. I want to end with these words by Dr. Becker-Weidmann that he posted a couple of days ago.
" It is important to try to figure out what is underneath or causing the rage: wanting affection or attention, feeling afraid or threatened, a trauma trigger, or something else....it is that which is driving the rage that you want to respond to and which will, in the long run, help the rage to stop."
Physical violence on our part is never the answer. We have to stay emotionally regulated through out their rages. Sometimes I find this easy. Sometimes it is hard. He will work hard to say things that he knows upset me because he seems to feed off of my emotional chaos. Do not allow that to happen. Have a healing day.