Hurray for our Kids

The LAST day of October. Then we fly right into the busiest time of year. With Christmas only a couple of months away and high school swim team starting at our house it gets pretty hectic. Add in grad school for me and it is a whirl wind. We still need to stop and smell the roses, take care of our healthy relationships and look for the gifts God has given us.

Eagle: Is looking for a second job to help make ends meet. She is hanging in there!

Dancer: Has been involved in several volunteer programs at her school and is looking at a great summer opportunity that would work to help others while giving her some great social services experience.

Bear: Is feeling much better. But it is H1N1 so we are being careful. He was actually a pretty nice guy while he was sick. He is feeling better today so I see the old habits creeping back but we'll work on it. It was inspiring to see the sweetness under there.

Fish: Has a swim meet today and is PUMPED! I am home with the sick child so look forward to hearing about it when they get back!

Taz: We watched The Boy in Striped Pajamas last night. I had no idea it was going to be so sad. Taz had read the book. When it got to the part with the tragic ending he got up and left before it came on. Does that sound like RAD to you? Not at all. Wonderful to see him developing a tender heart.

Have a glorious weekend. Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight!

102.7

Not a radio station. Bears temp. I'm guessing he, too, has swine flu. I don't know if you read my post awhile back about sickness but Bear doesn't like me when he is sick. He thinks I give him the wrong medicine. He thinks I give him scratchy blankets. He worries I won't feed him correctly. No trust. Today I gave him some ibuprofen, turned on the humidifier, put a cool cloth on his head and gave him a bag of cough drops. I gave him a big hug, which he readily received. I'd say it is my first truly received hug in close to a year. I told him he'd be staying home tomorrow. He said "Won't that lower my grades one point?" which made me snicker. That is the rule in grad school, not high school. I told him I'd help him make up his work. Then..... drum roll..... he said "Thanks for taking care of me when I do nothing but give you crap." We talked awhile. It was progress. The first progress in a long time. The first progress ever when he was sick. Never, never, never quit.

Just another wacky Wednesday.

I have class tonight. Let the explosions begin. Taz had a bad dream about our house blowing up. According to some theorists, in our dreams our house represents our life. Hmmmm. He and Bear have been going at it this morning. Taz was able to show remorse and calm himself (some use the word regulate). Bear is still going at it and has turned it all onto me.

This generally happens on a class day. I will be gone when they get out of school and won't see them until tomorrow. I know it seems contradictory to think a child has no attachment but doesn't want you to leave. He just now walked out the door talking about what a jerk I am because I would only give him one plate for his french toast instead of two. I just said "I love you and I hope your day improves." When my kids go out the door I always think of those kids at Columbine High School. The last memory of them walking out the door cannot be fighting. It just can't.

Back to the contradiction. While Bear loves in the only way he feels safe, which is holding back and fighting it with all he has, he does also have a great fear of abandonment. That fear of abandonment is what drives his fear of me leaving. I asked Taz about it one day and he said "You do always come back from school with a lot of bruises." ?????????????? I've never had a bruise from sitting in a class. It must be so hard to be so afraid.

Celebrate Life!

Sometimes I get caught up in the day to day drudgery of life. Sometimes I get caught up in RAD. During those times I like to have some celebrations that bring the joy back to every day living. We need to laugh and have fun with our kids. If our child with RAD can't handle it, so be it, but the others can have fun and should. Here are some things to help with that.

Fall just cries out for fun! Visit a local pumpkin patch. A hay ride and picking out your own pumpkin are so much fun.

Make a pumpkin desert! Here are some recipes.

Family Fun

Parent's Magazine

There are calendars that make every day a holiday. Check out this site.

Brownie Locks & the 3 Bears

Rake leaves together into a big pile and jump in them. Go for a nature walk with a camera. I did this last year with Taz and we got some great shots. Celebrate life! There is so much about which to be happy!!!

A Walk in the Rain

"Maybe I can't stop the downpour but I will always join you for a walk in the rain." There are different forms of rain: financial, relationship, spiritual, physical pain, emotional.

Don't walk in the downpour alone. Isolation is dangerous to our emotional mental health. Seek out friends, relatives, church leaders, counselors or email those of us online with blogs. I am radmoms@hotmail.com Turn a walk through a down pour into a walk through the rain with someone who cares.

Strong shoes

"If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes." ~ Corrie TenBoom

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:6,7

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me." Psalm 16:7

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Timothy 1:12

Pass the Nuts

Do you ever think maybe you are just nuts? They used this cartoon at Weight Watchers the other night and it just really tickles me. I keep reading it. I figure it is because so many days I wonder if maybe I've eaten too many nuts so I'm becoming one!

Here are a few things that sometimes make me nutty!

The way our kids behave doesn't make sense if I let myself forget what I've learned about it. If I take a moment to stop and look under the behavior I "remember".

People come up and say "Bear was so helpful. He is so kind. What a great kid." As we get in the car he says "You are such a jerk" to me because I asked him stop a behavior. I feel resentful that people don't understand. Then I think "How can they?" and I remember that what they saw is how I want him to act all the time...so....good. I'm glad they saw that in him. Was it manipulative? Probably not, he just didn't feel threatened by them because they are not trying to love him. So it is great he is sometimes successful.

I wake up to a list of complaints about what we are having for breakfast, how he feels, what Taz is doing and what he is wearing. I think "How am I going to get through this next hour in a way that is loving and kind?" and I often fail.

I try to have a conversation with Bear about the simplest thing and it is twisted and turned until he is angry and I am baffled about what just happened and how on earth we just got to that point.

My daughter was talking about a small problem last night and I told her that women often don't stop to take time for themselves. Men generally don't have this problem. Why is that? I have no idea. I don't think God expects this of us. Yes, we are to live lives of love and service, but even the donkey gets a nap, a bail of hay and a nice pat on the head now and then.

So NOOOOOO. We are not nuts. We are taking care of children with special needs. They are children with wounded hearts living the only way they know how.

Take care of your spiritual, physical, and emotional needs so you can take care of others. You are what you eat ~ spiritually, physically and emotionally!! Take care of the mama!

RAD wiring is so weird.

Just last week Bear was picking out a new family and wanting us to sign papers so they could adopt him.....without ever having met them. I'm not sure if they ever knew about the whole thing or not. Last night he announced he would like a laptop for Christmas. I told him that was a bit pricey for our budget and he said "Just cash". How can I not smile.....The lack of cause and effect thinking is so evident in our kids. I will put it in terms that are completely unscientific. If one of you can explain it better please feel free to do so.

The way our children's brains have been wired is similar to if an electrician were trying to wire a house during an earthquake. Some of the wires are connected incorrectly, some are just left with no connection at all. Trauma does that.

When Taz started trusting this is the one area, lack of cause and effect thinking, that I saw start to fall into place quickly. It is like the world suddenly started making more sense to him. Never, never, never quit. Bear is 17. He won't heal today, maybe not tomorrow, but I have faith it will happen.

RADical Holidays

Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are knocking on our door. "Trick or Treat" is what they ask us? There are some ways that have helped our holidays become more of a treat than a trick. I'll share a few and if you have any ideas PLEASE share them. If you'd rather write your own post let me know and I'll provide a link.

Schedule: Keep bed times and daily routines as close to the same as possible. A child with RAD who is tired or on a sugar high is NOT a treat.

Visits: At family visits keep your child close to you. One way to do this is to bring along your own activities. We would often take board games with us. We found that if we sat down and started playing them with our kids soon others joined in giving us a chance to bow out and visit. We still needed to come back to the game and check in often. If need be, sit at the "kids table" to keep things under control.

Relatives who don't get it: If you have relatives who want to cling onto your child and not follow your wishes just state simply "We are working on some therapeutic attachment right now so need to do it this way. Thanks for helping us out with it" and then just do it your way. If they continue to interfere have some information on RAD that you have copied or printed off the Internet and hand it to them with a simple "Please read this".

Exercise:Our kids need to keep moving.It relieves anxiety,depression and cannot be skipped. Take them outside,bring along the jump rope and head to the garage or basement, put on some music and have the kids dance, do something that helps them get moving each day. "We usually went for a walk after meals. It helped both of us.

Diet: Try to keep your child eating healthy foods. When there is sugar involved make sure it is coming from you. If a grandma or aunt insists on giving them sugar at a time you think is not appropriate just smile and say "Thanks. Why don't you eat half now and save the other half for after dinner. It looks wonderful"

Meaning: Our children often have a sense of entitlement and materialism. This is a good time to talk about giving and what they can do for others. Focus on a needy family or charity to which the family can give. And of course, talk about what each holiday means to you. Don't be frustrated if you child doesn't get it continues with the entitlement and materialism. It is a symptom. Treating the symptoms of RAD does not take care of the RAD itself.


Listen: Our children need a lot of empathy and understanding this time of year. It is difficult to them and having a mom who understands that and who loves them in spite of obnoxious behavior will be a way into their hearts

You can do it!

I would like to add a couple of really great posts others have written on getting through the holidays. Check out Diana's and Christy's blogs on this subject! Good stuff Maynard.

Moving forward

I am back home and we are slowly getting back on track. Bear and I have talked. He is still as angry as ever but does want to be in our family. We will start working on what that looks like over the coming week. He needs to find joy in his life. We will work on specific spiritual, personal and physical goals that I think will at least help him find some happiness in spite of his lack of attachment. Seventeen is a tough RAD stage folks. Thanks for your prayers and support. It was comforting to know I had them as I was away.

How we are handling it

I have had a busy day. I have left on my road trip with Fish.We are having a great time. I emailed all of Bear's teachers and let them know what is going on. I also cautioned them about being alone in a room with Bear as in the past when he has started accusing us he has accused them as well. In the past the accusation never left our house. Now they have expanded. I also called our attorney and the chief of police and let them know what might happen.

I left Bear a note on his bed with some Hershey Kisses saying that I love him and that I will be back. That I made sure he has plenty of food when I am gone as this is always a concern for him. I told him we will talk about it all when I get back and not to worry. That is all I can do at this point other than to continue to pray. This has made me so aware of how deep his fear is and how much the RAD is controlling him at this point in his life. Have I lost hope? Of course not, I will never do that.

Bear

He announced to me this morning that he has begun a search for a new adoptive family. He is willing to make false accusations about us if we are not willing to let him go. I told him we will not fight him. He is 17 1/2 years old. I do not know where this will lead. I told him I will continue to love him but that he is almost an adult so he can do what he wants. There was much more to the conversation. I'm sure some of this is a reaction to Fish and I going on college visits today. I feel sorry for his pain. I feel sorry for the pain it gives to the rest of us.

Family Focus

I've had a lot on my mind these days. I'm busy setting up my internship which seems to be done. It looks like what is going to work out best for my family is for me to do my internship here in our town at a mental health clinic. This will give me a broad base of learning and experience. When my internship is done I will then seek out training in attachment therapy. I will decide at that point what place and time works best for us. It will be about a year from now. I begin my last term of classes on Monday which is such an exciting thing to say!! It will not be an easy term but it should be an interesting one. I will be taking Case Planning and Marriage & Family counseling.

Tomorrow I leave with Fish for college visits. We will be gone until Sunday afternoon so this is my last post for a few days. I am greatly looking forward to getting away. Driving clears my mind. And I look forward to spending some time with Fish. He is a really fun kid. I will get to see Dancer on this visit and that is always fun too. She and I have always been so similar in temperament that she is an easy person with whom to hang out!!

I write these things for a couple of reasons. 1) to tell you I'll be gone for a few days! 2) Focus. I read a few days ago on someones blog about focusing on RAD. I've read so many of your blogs the last few days that I honestly don't remember which one it was. But someone left a comment....I think it was Becky Jo but I'm not sure...about focus on RAD.

I have stated this before but it may be time to state it again. My one concern in writing a blog that focus' on RAD is that it will put TOO much focus on it. I do not want any of you to think that I spend my days thinking about it. I have a husband and FIVE kids, not just the two. Each of them is important to me. I have my relationships with my friends who are also important to me. I try to take care of myself and exercise, go to grad school and sometimes even throw in fun.

My purpose in writing the blog is that moms' have a place to go to feel understood. I hope you feel that. I also think it is important that we each share what we know and our experience. I think by reading a variety of blogs you can gather a ton of information on RAD. It is a tough road and we need each other. But for today......remember to focus on your other relationships and on taking care of yourself. Life is not about RAD even though it can become all consuming. Don't let it consume who you are!

"See" you Sunday!

Pumpkin pie in the pumpkin

We all have family traditions. Some we don't do conscsiously but do repeat them every year. Some are intentional.

When children come into the family through adoption as older kids this can be tough for them. It is like when you go out to eat with a group of friends who know each other better than you do. They all do the "remember when" thing, make inside jokes and you sit there feeling a little awkward.

I think it is important to begin new traditions when we adopt and I still add others when I find them. Here is a good one. A friend gave me this on Facebook. Thanks Juanita!! Cut the recipe in half if the pumpkin is 5-8 lb. Make sure you put it on a cookie sheet. We ate the first half as a desert and I've been adding some of it in pancakes and such too.YUM

1 5-8 lb. pumpkin (make sure it is a baking pumpkin which is a little darker shade)

6 eggs

2 1/2 C whipping cream (I used sweetened condensed milk)

3/4 C brown sugar

2 tbsp. molasses

1/2 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg

1 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. ginger

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

3 tbsp. unsalted butter

Cut the lid from pumpkin as you would for making a jack-o-lantern. Remove pulp and seeds from pumpkin, scraping quite clean. Save seeds for toasting later, if desired. In a large bowl, beat the eggs and add the cream, sugar, molasses, and spices. Beat smooth and pour into the pumpkin shell. Dot with butter and replace lid. Set pumpkin on a cookie sheet covered with aluminum foil and place in a 350 degree oven for 2 hours oruntil the mixture has set up like a custard pie. Time will vary with size of pumpkin.Serve directly from the pumpkin and instruct diners to be sure to take a bit of the shell with each scoop. Garnish with a dollop of whipped cream.Serves 6-12, depending on size of pumpkin.

Child Development & RAD

Our kids show their immaturity in a lot of ways. But it is more than immaturity. It is lags in learning due to neglect or abuse. When children are in crisis mode they miss stages of development. Think about times when you were in crisis. If someone had tried to teach you something new, asked you to balance the check book, recite a long poem that you know during the time would you have been able to do it? Chances are no because you'd be so focused on just getting through the experience.

One of the ways this lag shows up is in the way our kids look at us. Bear checks in many times with me. If we are church he sits up at the front with the youth but turns back periodically to look at me and see if I am there. When we are home he likes to be alone but wants to check periodically to make sure I am there. All of this is similar to the toddler's typical behavior. They want some independence but check mom's face periodically to make sure things are ok. They toddle off to play but come and check in regularly for some reassurance.

While it may be annoying to have your child demonstrating these behaviors I think it helps if you remember that it really is a stage of life they are making up. Reassurance rather than "Why are you always looking at me like that?" will take you further in healing.

Have a healing day!

Faith Like Potatoes

Last night we watched Faith Like Potatoes on DVD. GREAT movie. There is a death scene which might be disturbing to young children. But for everyone else it has a great message. The acting is professional. I consider it a must see for teens. It is based on a true story. The greatest line:

"The seed for a great miracle lies not in difficulty, but impossiblity."

RAD employment

Bear has been applying for jobs since he was 15. He is now 17. He cannot get past the interview. Last night he had a phone interview with Amigos. He was in his room on the phone and during part of it I went in the bathroom next to his room and listened. The guy must have been asking him a lot of questions. Bear HATES questions. I could hear the tension and annoyance in his answers. It became stronger with each question. Of all things, he was being asked about how he would handle disagreements with coworkers. He gave ok answers but they were not happy answers. I'm guessing this fast food place will not be calling back.

We have role played interviews but it does not seem to help at all. He wanted to go into the military but I am not sure he can stay off his meds long enough to be able to pass pre algebra. Plus there is the whole psych evaluation. According to his current psychologist he has some pretty strong PTSD symptoms that he believes will keep him out.

I talked with Bear about this the other day and told him he needs to keep his options open. His response was "I can't get a job in this town!" Thankfully he is in the schools vo tech program that will help guide him as he prepares to graduate next year.

We have to have faith as our kids get older that there is a plan for them. I don't know what lies ahead for Bear. He does not trust God because he does not trust anyone. But I trust God to take care of those who have such deep emotional/mental issues. I have too.

RAD and the Swine Flu

Taz has swine flu. The Dr did a test that showed it is the A or B strain but did not narrow it down to H1N1 or the older version. That test is $300 and does not change treatment.

Taz is healing from RAD. He is comforted by my touch. He trusts me to take good care of him and does not doubt what I do in that care. He is following directions and is very cooperative for the most part.

Bear has not caught the flu and I hope he or no one else in the family does. The last time Bear was sick it looked like this.

If I put my hand on his head "You hand is too cold."
If I tried to pull a blanket up around him he would readjust it or get a different one and say that one was too scratchy.
The food was not right. He would rather have something else.
He would doubt what I was doing and suggest that maybe I should have been doing a different medication.

While Taz has been sick he has tried to go into his room which is strictly off limits for anyone but me because this virus is so contagious. He went in there to see if Taz needed dinner. He told me after class he didn't think Taz should drink so much apple cider. He is concerned I don't know what I'm doing. Moms from his past did not know how to care for him and he is not sure, even after all this time, that I do either.

RAD really is so invasive. The fear seems to invade ever aspect of their lives. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to be feeling ill and not be comforted by care, especially from a mother. It is truly sad.

Family Needed

Family Needed

Jamies Recovery

The above video shows the recovery of a man from a diving accident over many months time. It is miraculous. I believe our children's emotional healing will take place in much the same way. It is little by little, step by step. It will take hard work, pain, tears, but it will happen. Keep your faith, educate yourself, get help for your child and for yourself. Give your child what he needs: empathy, unconditional love, loving eyes, understanding of who he is and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, QUIT! NEVER!

One day it will be YOUR child taking that emotional first step of reaching out to you!

Reaching and Teaching Children Who Hurt: Strategies for Your Classroom

"A title that teachers on my daughter's team have found very helpful is "Reaching and Teaching Children Who Hurt: Strategies for Your Classroom," by Susan E. Craig. It's actually one of the few books I've been able to get them to read!
This book, too, is written by an educator for teachers. The writing is straightforward, clear, respectful, and understanding of teachers' roles and challenges. While it is focused more specifically on children who have been traumatized by violence (especially domestic violence), the lessons it shares are broadly applicable. Under most topics, she includes sidebars that focus on "What you know" and What's new," which help teachers to develop a new "trauma lens" for seeing dysregulated kids' behaviors in a new trauma-informed light."

The above review is by a fellow adopted mom I met on the list serve for ATTACH. You do have to become a member to join this google group. For those looking for a book for your schools, I have not read this book but it sounds excellent!

Yada On

One of the issues we have had with RAD is an inability to close a conversation. Kids with RAD will argue on and on and can make the subject last all day. I'm fully aware that no one can argue if no one takes part and continues. Yeah right! I have finally found an answer that works at our house.


My husband and I enjoy watching Seinfeld. One of the phrases used often in that show is "Yada Yada Yada". It means something similar to "and so on". You know, I went and bought groceries, filled the car with gas, Yada, Yada, Yada, errands are all run.

Now keep in mind that my boys are 14 and 17. I really am not doing this with a sense of sarcasm. I just want the conversation to stop. My boys know Yada, Yada, Yada and what it means. So now I say. "You are not walking 6 miles to WalMart. I'm done discussing it. Yada on." They shake their heads and walk away. After I say "Yada On" I refuse to say another word. I don't think it would work with little kids but it has put an end to the one sided verbal beating I had been taking when I would say no to something.

"No. You may not save up for a paint ball gun to shoot at your brother. Conversation over, but feel free to Yada On".

Have a great day yada, yada, yada.

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

Stay close but stay away

One thing I hear from Bear often these days is "The only time I am angry is when I am with you." I don't believe this is true but I do believe his anger is worse when he is near me. That is because anger is a secondary emotion that builds from sadness or fear. Yes. When he is near someone who loves him, someone who wants to love he becomes afraid. This makes him angry. It makes him sad. It is a big jumble of confused emotions. I can see the confusion on his face when I talk with him.

If I am gone he has great anxiety. He worries about when I will be home and asks dad every little bit "When will mom be home?" Then when I do get home he runs outs and says "hi" If I try to talk with him he finds away to make it into anger and stomps off. Does this make sense? Yes. It does. He also has a great fear of abandonment. It is really his number one fear. He is afraid of love but his fear of abandonment is even worse consuming so much of his time.

As long as our kids have RAD the age does not matter much. They need lots of reassurance, comforting and empathy. They need special treatment when we leave and when we return. Will it make them angry? YES. But it will also lead to healing. Much as some ointments hurt a wound' empathy, love and care may make our child more afraid and yet help them to feel safe.

Never, never, never quit!

Fear Eating

A couple of posts ago I talked about emotional eating. If I stop and think about it my emotional eating is next to nothing compared to what I see happening with Bear. The other day it was cold and crisp here in Nebraska. I decided to fill the 6 qt crock pot to the top with chili and made a big 9 x13 of cornbread. We ate a little early before Taz had swim team, I went to Zumba class and Bear went to the Y. We went from there to parent teacher conferences.

When we arrived home Taz said he was a little hungry so I said to go ahead and he could have another bowl of chili if he'd like. I went upstairs and when I came down Bear had 3 more bowls and I don't know how many pieces of cornbread. He had then taken the pot of chili to his room and was going to finish the rest in his room with the door shut. That my friend, is emotional eating.

The fear of hunger, the fear of not being taken care of, the fear of no love, fear of not enough....it is so deep. It is so sad.

ATTACH

ATTACH is the Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children. Their website has information on attachment that is useful for parents and professionals. They have a resource section that provides information on training for therapists, books and where to find an attachment therapist. They hold an annual conference where sessions are given by top therapists and psychologists in the field. If you cannot attend this conference the sessions are available for purchase on DVD or CD for this years conference and several years back. You can read through and find topics that interest you and do not have to purchase the entire conference.
You may join ATTACH which puts you on a list serv with many other parents plus provides a wide variety of other information. The membership for parents is $55 which is well worthwhile considering you can then download both the Therapeutic Parenting Guide and the Professional Practice Guide for free!!

I am promoting ATTACH because I feel it is important that there is this strong leadership in this field. It provides education, support and training. I think it is of great benefit to each of us as parents and for our kids!