What do you do with your feelings?

Raising children with reactive attachment disorder can be emotionally draining for the mom. We can feel like failures. We feel unloved and sometimes unlovable. We say things we regret. We regret we don't say things. We do not feel understood. We feel alone. Our homes have been physically destroyed. We worry about what we have done to our other children, to our spouses, to ourselves.

Do any of those thoughts sound familiar? At one point they sounded like me. Sure. There are times when one of the thoughts pops into my head but not for long. I went to Attachment therapy where I did feel understood and heard. There I also learned about caring for myself.

One of my problems was emotional eating. This has been a battle for a long time but it became much worse after the boys came and we began to deal with RAD.

I figured out that I ate when I was sad, when I was stressed, when I was angry. Rather than deal with my "ugly" feelings I ate them. Of course, the good feeling was only for a moment and then I felt even worse so would eat more to make the feeling go away again.

First of all, acknowledge that you are eating your feelings rather than dealing with them.

Then start talking. Find a friends, a therapist, a pastor, but start talking. You need to learn to let it out and deal with what is going on inside.

Find an alternative. Once you have started talking find something else to do with those feelings. Exercise, prayer, prayer while you exercise, a hobby, a place in your room where you can go to read. Down load books from online at your local library for free on to your MP3 player and go listen. Take care of yourself, your body, soul and spirit.

When I started taking care of my body I found that I felt better. Good food gives energy, junk food drains it. Being overweight made me sluggish, being in better shape (not as good as I want) gives me energy and widens the number of activities I can do. Feeling physically strong also makes me emotionally stronger because I don't get so tired.

Realize that food is not your friend. It is merely nutrition, fuel to get the job done. Would you put junk food in the gas tank of your car? Hardly. Our job is tough. Take care of the machine God gave you to do it with. Have a healing day for you!

What Attachment Therapy looks like

Attachment therapy is different than other kinds of therapy for a couple of reasons. If someone has the title of Attachment Therapist they should have received special training in the field from a clinic, psychologist, or experienced attachment therapist. I feel they need to have done more than read a few books or attend some workshops. Here is how attachment therapy is done in our area.

The Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska uses a team approach. The attachment therapist works on educating the family about attachment, provides them with strong emotional support and trains them in attachment parenting. He/she also works with the child on the cognitive (thinking) part of their RAD. They work on separating the birth mom from the current mom in the child's mom. They work on helping the child realize they really can love, trust and feel safe.
The EMDR therapist works with the child on the trauma they have suffered. This is a very loving, calming form of therapy that helps take the disturbing feelings out of the events of their past.

Both types of therapy are done with mom in the room, close by and are very loving in their approach. It is not the therapy of the past that was seen as confrontational and controversial.

We drove an hour and a half for over a year for Attachment Therapy. I credit this type of therapy for helping Taz and bringing him and us to the point where we are today. Eventually it may still help Bear even though he has not been back because it has given him an understanding of what has happened and what is holding him back.

To the right are some sites that might help you locate an attachment therapist in your area. It is worth the time and investment.

Have a healing day!

K-LOVE - Mark Schultz "He is" LIVE

Hurray for our Kids

What a week!! Life is ever changing and always on the go isn't it? I guess there is no reason to be bored!!

Our week in a nut shell.

Eagle: Seems to be doing well and is happy in her life out on her own.

Dancer: Seems happy with having changed her major to Sociology/Social Work and is doing well in classes.

Fish: I SO conscientious about his grades. I appreciate that.

Bear: Did finally admit he might need some help with math if he is going to pass the exam to get into the army in the spring. We'll see if he will accept the help now.

Taz: Great IEP. Has been very affectionate this week which moms always love!!

How was your week? No matter how bad it got, look for the good in your life and in your child's life. It may be hidden away but it is there.

Non RAD IEP

I just came from Taz's IEP. If your child is not involved is special education that is the Individual Education Plan. Kids in Special Ed have them once a year to evaluate how the child is progressing, discuss any changes that might need to be made and then make a plan for the year ahead. It is not a school year but a calendar year from the last IEP. Every three years they do all the testing and evaluating to see if there are any changes.

This is the first year that Reactive Attachment Disorder was not discussed in his IEP meeting. Not once. He has some behaviors, blurting out, rude remarks, not always doing homework. He has all Bs with one A. Is this the same kid???????? It was by far the most positive IEP we have ever had.

The reason I am telling you this is that a few years ago this is a child who spent most of his time in the self contained room because of his rages. They would have to put him in the time out room where he would scream and kick and have a fit. He would refuse to come inside the building if he went out. He would hide under tables. He would not sit down. He would do very little work. He was in physical fights with other kids.

Never lose hope of healing. Do I think we will never have any of the above problems again? No. That would be naive. The old fears creep back from time to time. But they are short lived and are fewer and further between. Healing is taking place in Taz's life every day and I pray you see it in your child too.

Remember: Empathy, loving eyes, gentle touch, sweet food to their lips from your hands, keep yourself calm (Allie I did not use the R word just for you) and keep the boundaries tight so they learn to feel safe and loved. Its tough work but you can do it and then they will too!

Have a healing day!

Unfinished Business

Tonight in class I had to present Gestalt Therapy. It is basically looking at a person's unfinished business and how it is effecting their current life. Then helping them realize there are other choices. Sound familiar?

Last Friday I went to an Attachment and Trauma Workshop given by Daniel Bruckner and Debra Wesselman of the Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska in Omaha. There is enough information I received from this workshop to post for a long, long time!

One of the important elements in dealing with our child's trauma is dealing with their unfinished business, taking a look at the little boy/girl inside your child. First I am going to cover what this looked like for our youngest child, Taz.

Our therapist had Taz and I design a baby nursery. We cut ours out of a Penney's catalog, drew his current room layout and then glued the furniture into place. The next step was going back and talking a lot about how little Taz felt as a baby and toddler. What did he imagine his room actually looked like then. They talked about what he felt, what happened when he cried. We also talked about what it would have been like to have been a baby at our home and what that would ahve felt like and what would happen when he cried. The therapist had me talk about how I would have felt if he was my baby and how I would take care of him. This was something we did several times. I believe this had something to do with him going back and going through some of his regression during which he began to crawl, ask for a bottle and even quit talking for several days.

During this time, if your child does regress, talk with your therapist about how any limits you should place. We told him that if he needed to be baby Taz to let us know through his actions. It needed to happen at home when he was safe. During other times we would expect him to act 12 (at the time). I believe all of this was very important in his healing.

Topics to Google: Inner child, regression therapy

The Little You

Inside each of us is the little version of us. I know I feel mine, Little Brenda, when I go to my mother's house, when I am around certain people and in certain situations. It important in our child's healing to talk about their "Little Taz" and how he feels. Sometimes the 14 yo Taz may get it, but the Little Taz inside is screaming "NOOOOO. SHE IS NOT SAFE". This is where a lot of the fear comes from, the frightened little boy inside. This is a simplistic way at looking at things because we know this is all actually taking place in the brain. But it is a word picture we can understand. It is a word picture our kids can understand but may deny. Bear says he has no "Little Bear" inside. Others might but not him. But what about the denial? Let it go. He has heard and while he may say he does not agree he will think about it. It is all a part of the process, the thinking.

There is a lot we can do to work with the Little Guy inside and our kids. A lot can take place in therapy and a lot can take place at home. I'll talk about this little guy this week.

Today I wanted to think about the Little You. What fears, past trauma does your child bring up for you? Dealing with our kids trauma did bring up past trauma for me and I know it does for many moms. Take care of the Little You inside. If the fear and sadness start to interfere with your life, go get help. EMDR helped me tremendously. It only took 4 sessions so it is not likely you have to worry that "Oh great more therapy for the next few years."

Don't ignore the feelings of the Little You inside. Take care of yourself. Be kind. Your Little One might need some healing too.

Finding strength

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are safe."
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint."
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

When you feel you can't go on
you've nothing left to give
all your strength is gone
life's too hard to live;

Look to Him to make you strong
Lean into His arms of love
He gives life its song
and strength from above

Never, never, never quit.

Signs of Healing

I spent the day at an Attachment Seminar. As soon as the speaker gives me permission I will share all the info with you. Hopefully on Monday. But going to a workshop like this really brings up the warm fuzzies as I think of the healing that has taken place in Taz's heart. Then I stopped by Christine's blog and read about some serious progress in her family. More warm fuzzies.

I started thinking about some of the signs we saw that change was taking place in this frightened little boy. I remember going to our Attachment therapist and our EMDR therapist and telling them both "something is happening". I was afraid to get my hopes up too much but wohooooo was it amazing.

So, here you go:

He started staring at me. Not the RAD staring down but a look that showed curiosity. That said "Who is this woman?" I could see he was really thinking about me.

He started following me. More and more. He would bump into me when walking which eventually led to him asking if he could hold my hand.

When sitting on my lap for EMDR he stroked my arm. I was stunned.

He started talking about things we had done together that were fun.

He started drawing me pictures. Love pictures.

He started crying. Real crying when hurt or sad.

He started to enjoy snuggling.

I will never forget going to therapy and telling him "We were both sitting on the couch watching TV. He was at one end. I was at the other. When I suddenly realized our legs were laying on each other and neither had noticed." It felt so normal. It felt so good to be normal.

Look for little things. They mean something. Cherish them. If you keep working and praying they will come. Have a healing weekend!

Forms of Attachment

Attachment to a primary caregiver takes place during pregnancy and grows stronger during the first three years of life in a healthy relationship. Attachment is necessary for an infant to grow and develop emotionally and physically. Sadly, when the attachment to the primary care giver is broken within the first three years of life Reactive Attachment Disorder can develop.

Some of the factors causing this break in attachment:

neglect
abandonment
mental illness of primary care giver
alcoholism and/or drug use
hospitalizations of either mother or child
abuse
emotionally unavailable primary care giver
unwanted pregnancy

Forms of Attachment and how they look in a strange situation:

Secure attachment: When in a strange situation the child uses the mother as a secure base of operations. Looks to see if she is watching, comes back now and then to check and make sure she is there, or comes and sits near her if frightened. Is comforted by this close contact.

Anxious/Avoidant Attachment: In a strange situation the child avoids reestablishing contact with the mother after a time of separation. Does not care if mother is in the room and does not use her as a base of operations. If they are upset having mom there does not help.

Anxious/Resistant Attachment: In the strange situation the child will seek close contact with the mom but then resists any form of reassurance from her. These children have much anxiety, are clingy and afraid when they first come into the room. When separated they may be very agitated and anxious but are angry with mom when she gets back.

Anxious/Disorganized Disoriented Attachment: In the strange situation the child shows a variety of behaviors. They may be happy to see the caregiver but as she draws closer they resist. They may approach the caregiver but avoid eye contact. They may appear confused, apprehensive, depressed and even may show some fear of the caregiver.

All information taken from A Child's Odyssey by Paul S. Kaplan which is a book on child development.

I don't know that it is really important to stick your child into a category. I think it is helpful to see, though, that this is why our children may all have RAD but react so different in different situations. Part of the reason there are different types of attachment are that there are different reasons for the breaks in attachment. Understanding and having empathy for our kid's fear is very helpful in changing the way we react to their behavior and how we relate to them. Everyone wants to know that someone understands, that someones "gets" them. How great is it that for our kids it is "mom", the one with whom the healing really needs to take place!

He is so sweet

One of the things that use to be really tough for me was having people come up and tell me how sweet and wonderful my child with RAD was. I remember once before church he was sitting there ripping into me about how mean I am and how I don't love him. Someone walked up and he immediately became charming and endearing. She said to me a few minutes later "You have done such a great job with him. He is the sweetest kid." This all happened in about a 10 minutes time period. I just felt sick. Why was he so verbally abusive to me and so kind to everyone else?

The answer, of course, is that I am his mom. That means to him that I am dangerous. Love is dangerous. Moms are not to be trusted. Moms always leave. He actually said these words to the therapist at one point.

It happened again at the grocery store yesterday. Only this person is close enough that she knows the situation. She asked how Bear was doing. Frankly, he is not doing well. She said it is so weird because he seems like such a sweet heart when she talks to him and it is hard to imagine he has these problems. I explained that this is part of the illness. She is not trying to attach to him so he does not feel threatened.

It really doesn't bother me so much any more. I remember our attachment therapist saying "This is how you want him to act all the time." So now, when I see the charming and endearing behavior most of the time I can imagine that this is who he would be if he were not sick. He would be like this all the time. That is the goal. I do not think he is being manipulative in his behavior during those times. I think he is genuinely trying to be nice and friendly. It is so awkward for them that it appears fake.

It is just a part of the illness. Remember that your child has a serious illness in need of treatment. Have a healing day.

Fill 'er up with regular

When I was a little girl that is what my dad said each time he pulled up to the gas station. He sounded so cool when he said it that I would imitate that phrase when he wasn't looking.

The question is "Do I imitate the action now?" Moms tend to be givers. We give until our gas tank is beyond empty. Then we feel overwhelmed, taken for granted and take it out on others. Maybe it is just me.

We need to fill 'er up with regular~regularly. What are you doing this week to fill up your emotional gas tank? I hope you put some thought into it and intentionally seek out rest, comfort and relaxation. I used to watch MASH back in the early 80s. The army knows that even in the midst of war the soldiers need some R & R in order to stay safe and focused.

Other than my daily quiet time with God, here is what I am doing to have some R & R. Today I am meeting my husband for lunch at Subway while the kids are at school. Tonight I am going to Zumba class. Tomorrow I will go swim laps. In the evening I will go to Weight Watchers. Weds I have class but in the morning I am meeting a friend for coffee. Thursday I go to Guts and Butts Class. Friday I am attending an Attachment Workshop. Exercise and time with adults are an important parts of filling 'er up for me.

Have a healing week!

Hurray for our kids

I have not done this for awhile and think it is good for me. I need to realize that all of our kids have done some things this week worth shouting about if I just take a look.

Eagle: Is working and taking care of herself out on her own now. Such a weird feeling for us all.

Dancer: Has really been contemplating her major and has changed to a sociology major with a social work minor. She wants to do something that helps people.

Fish: Has all As currently online. I love the ability to check their grades on line.

Bear: Really wants to go into the army. He has never really wanted anything before so it is great to see him with a goal.

Taz: Is latching onto the choir at school. His ability to stay on pitch has improved so much over one month it is really exciting to listen.

How about you? If you contemplate long enough can you see the good things happening in your kids lives? Have a healing weekend.

Sharpening the Claws

This morning I could hear the cat sharpening its claws on the bed frame. It has no front claws. Bear is often sharpening his front claws. It is in his brain that he must defend himself. It is deep within. He must protect. He must always be on the look out. He must never let down his guard. I see it in little statements that slip out.

"I was afraid you were not going to come and get me."
"I thought you might be in a car accident."
"I am looking out the front window to keep us safe."

I see it in his behavior. He is watching other people instead of what he should be doing. He thinks innocent statements are a verbal attack. He is protective of his desk space, foot space, but invades others personal space. He worries about his health and is sure each injury is oh so serious. If he is going some place later in the day he walks out and checks every few minutes to make sure he has not been left.

It must be hard to be so scared.

School Homework Battles

Our schools here are awesome and they bend over backwards to help our boys. Right now two of our boys are bending over backwards to ensure that certain things are not done and that no one can make them. Being a person who is very driven in my school work that is tough for me to understand.

Their grades are sliding quickly. Nancy Thomas always said the school work needs to be the child's job and responsibility, not the parents. Now if you have young elementary school kids I realize they do need some help and guidance with some areas. Mine are both in high school. One is a freshmen. One is a junior.

I have a tough time letting go of this. When I make it my job it increases the friction at home. It even further damages the relationship between our boys and myself. I want to say "This is your job. How are you going to handle it?" and then answer with "I hope that works for you. I might try this but you need to decide." and then step back. They need to live with their choices. If that means repeating a class so be it.

Step away from the homework Brenda. Step away with your hands up.

I'm adding a little P.S. here. Above is a photo of a small writing table I painted white and stuck in a corner of the kitchen dining area. It was an old second hand table. I stuck supplies in Easter baskets I found on clearance for a dollar and purchased the lamp at Super Target. This is where our homework is to be done. It faces away from all the noise and the child can sit there close by while I prepare dinner in case they have questions. If they draw on the table I can just paint it again at the end of the school year. There is no wallpaper to peel off near by which has always been a major temptation for the boys. I think having a special area for doing homework is very helpful as when the child sits down that is the only purpose for this area. It gives the proper mind set. (sometimes)

You Are a Retarded Liar

Oh those are the words every mother wants to hear. Bear is angry. He is angry about mini golf. He is angry because he has been sneaking around and doing some things and I figured it out. Just angry. His favorite response is "If you do, that will make me mad." My response "You are already mad Bear." Of course he goes on and on. I know every child is different but I think it was Shakespeare that said "I think thee doest protest too much." Often when he has done something he goes off and rants and raves about it even if I have not asked or only asked one question. I sit quietly while he shoots anger fishing lures at me trying to get me to join into his angry chaos. Sometimes I think he needs to feel like he can "make" me join in. Sometimes I think he feeds off the feeling of chaos. It is what he is comfortable with. Chaos feels like home.

The key to getting through is keeping myself calm and regulated, pray and shut up. Keep the eyes gentle and loving. YES. There are consequences to his actions. And NO they do not teach him a thing. They are necessary because they are a part of life. As an adult there are consequences so we teach them. But they must be done in love. They must be done by maintaining emotional control, not through joining in the yelling and becoming a part of the problem. Do I always succeed? Of course not. But I will never, never, never quit!

Family Activities and RAD

Our second daughter, Dancer, is home from college for Labor Day weekend. It has been such a treat having her here. We planned some family time yesterday. We decided to run to a nearby town that has a very nice miniature golf course and then we were going out for a bite to eat.

I told the kids on Sunday morning that we were going to do this. We have never told them ahead of time when we are doing these types of activities...correction...after learning the hard way. I remember when they were little we'd plan activities and tell them with excited voices what we had planned. Then to our confusion they'd begin to scream, yell, fight and act out in every way imaginable. They did not act even slightly excited about going. They would fight in the car while on the way. Once we were there they would try to run off, join in with strangers and avoid us, complain, tell us all our faults and in general make the time miserable. Why?

Fear. Their brains have been wired so that change, (good or bad) puts them into the fright, flight or freeze mode. Any car trip seems to put them into this mode. I imagine it is because car trips when they were little generally meant they were being taken to a new family with whom they would live.

What we have done. First of all we don't not give advance notice. It only produces anxiety in them. Right before we calmly explain what we are going to do. Give them activities to do in the car. We find that headsets with mp3 players are best. They bring books to read if they are not the ones who get motion sickness. We had one who who wet his pants in the car EVERY single trip, no matter if it was only an hour. Simple. They make Goodnights that are pretty doggone large. He would wear one of those. Buy a package of M & Ms and hold them in your lap. Every 15 minutes or so (maybe less if it is really bad) pass them out a couple to those who are riding nicely. Before you get out calmly explain any rules such as: "Dad walks in front. Mom walks in back. You will walk in between so we can keep you safe. If you need for us too, we will hold your hand. You will show us if you need that by how you walk." Make sure to get involved in what you are doing and not just focus on the child's behavior. If you are going to a relatives house, bring along simple board games such as Don't Break the Ice and play with your kids while there. Soon relatives will join in and play. Next thing you know there won't be spot for you and you can go visit. Take the kids for a walk part way through the day to burn off some energy. If they get out of hand, give them a "time in". Have them sit near you quietly so they are safe. When they show you they feel safe they can go play.

When I told the boys we were going Bear announced that he wanted to go to the pool. He likes to go up there and water the flowers and skim the pool for leaves and such. The lady who manages the pool buys him a pop for doing little chores around the pool and he enjoys it. It helps her out. Bear is 17. I told him he could choose what he wanted to do. He chose to stay behind. It was sad for me but I know he needs to prepare for leaving home. He needs to be able to make choices and live with those. I'm sure it was an easier day for him and it actually was easier for us. At the same time he was missing by choice so it was kind of odd. He will come around in his own time. It may not be as a teen. It may be as an adult because of some difficult situation but I will never lose hope. I hope you don't either.

You have some RAD experience mom!!

I try to swim laps at our local Y on Tuesdays and Fridays. Two years ago I could dog paddle around and sort of do the back stroke. Now I swim a mile using the crawl (freestyle), backstroke and breaststroke. I love swimming because of the silence. It is just the steady slapping of the water, my breathing and nothing else. It is a great time to think or just not think and relax depending on my mood.

Yesterday my mind wandered to how much my swimming and parenting parallel in the extent they have changed over the last few years. Maybe some of them are stretching it but just laugh and move on if they are.

It was not long into my swimming experience that I figured out I was going to need the right equipment. I bought the oh so flattering Speedo suit, the cap, the goggles. Without them I would be constantly tugging at the suit, have ruined my hair and either have burning eyes or swim with my eyes closed. My strokes have improved over time. I am certainly not a fast swimmer, nor a pretty stroker (is that a word?) but my strokes are much better than they used to be. The reason for this is, I took lessons. Private lessons, not me with a bunch of little kids. It is easier. When I started I swam as far as I felt I possibly could. I looked at the clock. It had been 7 minutes and I was plumb tuckered out. Now I can swim an hour easily. When I started I felt like I was doing it wrong. It was awkward, slow and didn't feel right. Now I just glide along. I also found videos on You Tube demonstrating each stroke and how to move your arms and legs.

Are you seeing the parallels? When we parent children with mental disorders we need the right equipment and know how. I believe we need an attachment therapist. I know some of you are on major therapist burn out. I was there too, but the behavior got to a point where I HAD to do something. Attachment therapy was an important key in our youngest child's healing.

We can't be concerned with what others think about our parenting or how we look to them. We have to do what we know is right. It can be explained gently and lovingly to them and if they don't get it we have to do the right thing. We have to love our child enough to put them above our need to look good.

At first the type of parenting needed will seem so difficult. It does not come naturally and it is SO HARD. I'm not saying I don't have hard days now, but after 11 years of children with RAD and 3 of them parenting differently I figure it is a way of life for us. There are times when I lose my cool and say the wrong thing. I make it right and start again.

Educate yourself. Read, read, read. Whether it be books, articles on line or blogs find as much information about parenting a child with RAD as you can. Even the books that were more technical gave me a better understanding of why my child acts the way he does and explained the changes that had happened in his brain.

If you are struggling with parenting your child with RAD never, never, never quit. With training, prayer, support and practice your child will more than likely heal. I have one who has not yet healed and one who I feel is getting better all the time. I still have hope that one day the hurting one will have the light bulb moment but until then we swim on. One stroke at a time.

Beauty in Darkness

My friend Juanita took this photo. She is an amazing photographer and was kind enough to allow me to use her photo. I love it and immediately thought of the beauty shining in the pitch black night.

When we parent children with RAD we go through emotional times that are the dark night. It can be very lonely because it is a disorder not many know about. If they do know they may not believe it or understand it. All of us have a need to be understood. I know some of you have husbands who do not understand either and my heart goes out to you. I'm going to share some ideas that have helped me when I am in those dark times.

Count your blessings. Look at your other relationships; family, friends, church, support groups, counselors. I do remember a time when I went to the counselor and he saw me privately first. He asked what good things were in my life. I could not think of one. Sometimes the darkness can envelop us. Being aware that is happening is the first step to coming out of it. He started mentioning some good things he knew of and I brightened and thought "Oh yeah". Look for the sunflowers on the side of the road, for the mums that are starting to bloom. Watch for the sunrise and the sunset. Listen to a small child laugh while passing you in the store. Enjoy those incredible small things. They are, to me, some of life's best things.

Take care of your physical needs. Maintain you health appointments, begin again with healthy eating, and start to move. If you feel you can't leave the house, pop in an exercise DVD. Our library has a ton.

Become proactive. Start looking for ways to make your life better. Institute a family fun night and go play mini golf, play games, etc. Set up a place where you can read, do a craft or some hobby that is just yours.

Go to church. Sing praises to God, look for ways to encourage and be encouraged. Focus on someone else who is going through a hard time. Send them a card, email or a phone call and let them know you are there for them and will pray for them. Sometimes the best exercise for the heart is to lift up another.

Have a healing day~for yourself.

And if you are in the darkness remember that the sun does come out in the morning.

Cutting

Some children actually cut themselves with knive or razor blades. They are feeling so much pain inside and can't talk about it. It is a way of feeling the pain and "letting it out" when they cannot contain it any more.

One of our children did this for awhile. Tell tale signs are sudden large amounts of "paper cuts" on the fingers. If you ask about it they may start doing it under their clothing. This is something that needs to be taken care of right away and I would immediately get professional help. Fortunately we were already in the midst of attachment therapy when it started happening so it was dealt with immediately. We started having him let me look him over while he was wearing a pair of shorts each night. Then every few nights. Then eventually it stopped. Educating him as to why he was doing it helped a lot and then in therapy talking about that pain.

Here are some articles on the topic. It is more common than you may think.

Cutting: Kidshealth

Cutting-Self injury from the teen perspective

Cutting: Warning signs and Treatment

Teen RAD

Have your child's RAD treated while they are young. Our boys were 12 and 15 before we found an attachment therapist and decided to drive an hour and a half. It has really helped the youngest who is now 14. It made no difference for the 15 yo who is now 17. The younger they are the less settled they are into patterns of behavior. I'm sure you have heard the phrase "He is set in his ways." Everyone can change but we must desire change before it can generally happen. With younger kids it is easier (still difficult with RAD) to pull at those little heart strings so that they want it.

As Bear has grown older our plan has changed from working on attachment to working on preparing him for adulthood. He has a psychologist here in our little town who is now seeing him more in a mentor/life coach type roll.

I keep my distance most of the time as any connection...ANY....results in an unleashing of hurtful words. I remind myself constantly to, as a mom, remember that my roll is changing. Prepare him for life.

I pray for him daily and hope that some day something will happen to cause a light bulb moment for him. It will probably not be while he is at home. In Nebraska legal age is 19 so we do have a couple of years left. Whether that is good or bad I do not know but that is how long we have. We just pray and do our best.

Never, never, never quit.

Gas, Belching and RAD

That could be a song!

Gas, Belching and RAD
Best time I ever had.
Each time in the car
My child became sad.
Suddenly everyone yelled
"EGAD".

There are some physical and emotional reasons driving this physical phenomenon in our children. Their anxiety level has their stomachs in an uproar. This can cause gas and belching. Here are some sites that talk about it.

Nancy Thomas

Right Health has a variety of articles on which you can click

Think of how your stomach feels when you are getting ready to take a test, perform or speak on a stage, or about to have a frightening medical procedure. Our children live in a state of hyperarousal. This is due to actual changes in the brain. I try to sometimes think of my child as traumatized rather than having RAD and it helps me to be more sympathetic or empathetic toward them. When the gas starts I know they are feeling unsafe. In fact with one of ours it is a sure sign that he is feeling a lot of fear at that moment.

What to do: Talk to your child about what to do. Go to the bathroom to relieve himself. Talk about the fear. Comfort and calm your child. Rather than think "This child is trying to offend me." Think "This child is so afraid it is upsetting his whole digestive system!" I keep some cheap nice smelling body splash in my car and spray it around if need be. I often don't say a word but just start spraying.

YES: Sometimes it is just to annoy you. If you let it annoy you then you are reinforcing the behavior. If it is at home it is easy because you can send them to the bathroom. For us it is more likely to happen in the car. So I roll down windows for a few minutes. Sometimes it is too hot or cold but it is worth it for a few minutes.

Educate: Let your child know that while this is a normal bodily function it is something that can be learned to controlled to an extent.

Belching: Everyone burps. We just expect it to be done with the mouth closed and followed by "excuse me." Anything other than that results in "You my come back and eat when I am done." I do realize different families view this in different ways. I know in some the whole family belches away. I'm an ol' fuddy duddy so not at our house.

Realize: You can't control bodily functions. What goes in and what comes out is really in their control so don't get to hung up on it. Remember the underlying factors that may be involved.

Have a healing day!