Monday, September 21, 2009

The Little You

Inside each of us is the little version of us. I know I feel mine, Little Brenda, when I go to my mother's house, when I am around certain people and in certain situations. It important in our child's healing to talk about their "Little Taz" and how he feels. Sometimes the 14 yo Taz may get it, but the Little Taz inside is screaming "NOOOOO. SHE IS NOT SAFE". This is where a lot of the fear comes from, the frightened little boy inside. This is a simplistic way at looking at things because we know this is all actually taking place in the brain. But it is a word picture we can understand. It is a word picture our kids can understand but may deny. Bear says he has no "Little Bear" inside. Others might but not him. But what about the denial? Let it go. He has heard and while he may say he does not agree he will think about it. It is all a part of the process, the thinking.

There is a lot we can do to work with the Little Guy inside and our kids. A lot can take place in therapy and a lot can take place at home. I'll talk about this little guy this week.

Today I wanted to think about the Little You. What fears, past trauma does your child bring up for you? Dealing with our kids trauma did bring up past trauma for me and I know it does for many moms. Take care of the Little You inside. If the fear and sadness start to interfere with your life, go get help. EMDR helped me tremendously. It only took 4 sessions so it is not likely you have to worry that "Oh great more therapy for the next few years."

Don't ignore the feelings of the Little You inside. Take care of yourself. Be kind. Your Little One might need some healing too.


peggysue said...

Interesting term for it. My husband and I call it a 'ghost.' A ghost of past people, places or events churning up feelings at a related person, place or event that is separate from the past, but the feelings it generates are related, and usually to either sadness or fear. I guess we just don't notice the positive feelings as much, such as 'the scent of that perfume reminds me of my grandmother whom I loved,' that sort of thing.

Brenda said...

There is a book called Ghosts from the Nursery or something close to that that uses that term. I think there are positives we are probably not as aware of either such as loving certain activities, due to childhood, certain phrases, places. Positive experiences can show up in our relationships too.

marythemom said...

There's a book called Parenting from the Inside Out that addresses healing your (the parent's) inner self. I have to admit I didn't finish it, but it was interesting. I have found a lot of support from my/our EMDR therapist. There is so much stuff we don't realize isn't dealt with/ processed yet when we are parenting these kids.

Mary in TX

Tami Boesiger said...

I find this very interesting, Brenda. I think this so often: I feel so little. Sometimes it means in comparison to God's great bigness, but many times it I feel like a little girl. I've thought it both an asset and liability.

You've got my thinker going, babe.

BT said...

Have discovered a book that I like a lot. It's not actually about RAD, but about parenting in adoption. Anyway, the author talks about the idea of "inducement." That the child will behave in ways to induce his/her feelings in the parent. So when our child's behaviour makes us feel surrounded by chaos and out of control, that is probably what our child feels inside. I find that these moments -- when I am induced by our RAD son -- are the ones that bring my own "issues" to the surface as well. It has been valuable simply being aware of these dynamics, as I now try to really keep my responses in check while trying to examine myself first for what might be surfacing, as well as ask myself specifically what I'm feeling and what that might signal about what my son is feeling at the moment. I hope to hear more from you on The Little You.

Brenda said...


Could I have the name of that book? Fascinating. I have always called that "feeling my child's feelings" but I'd like to read what that author says about it. I have a major 45 minute presentation at school this evening and will post tomorrow after I get past this.

BT said...

Patty Cogen. 2008. Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From the First Hours Through the Teen Years.

Don't be put off by the "internationally adopted" part. (I'm not sure if you're kids are international adoptions or not. Ours are.) So so so much of the book resonates to me as being applicable to adoption in general, and then there are parts that are specific to international adoptees (such as acquiring english). Let me know what you think. I posted a bit about this book on my blog earlier this week if you want to see more details on what I like about it. I did not create an exhaustive list due to time constraints, and I thik I forgot to put the inducement topic in there, so don't take that as a sign that the inducement topic isn't something I love about this book!

wannabe said...

(i'm currently reading BACK through your blog)

my boyfriend aged out of the system w/o a family, but has an awesome family who adopted him at the age of 20. i brought this topic up with him, and he too, says he has no "little TJ" inside him. i disagree, cuz there is a little TJ inside who was abused, but i'll let him deal with that, discuss it when he wants to. I don't push him to talk about anything, i know that its gotta be hard for him. He does not have RAD, but a lesser form of attachment disorder (idunno if there's a name), he just calls it "attachment disorder"

thank you for your blog, by the way. We wanna adopt/foster someday, so reading on RAD now should help me in the coming years when we foster/adopt