Hope

Never, never, never quit.

Mama Mondays

Trees get most of their strength from the roots. The storms come and if they have a shallow root system they will blow over.

People are that way. Moms are that way. We think we have to be tough and strong. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we need to stop and let someone else be the strong one. We need a strong support system. The professionals in our lives will come and go. We need support that will stay. Here is my support system:

My spiritual life which for me is all about my relationship to God.
My church staff and members.
Friends both in real life and on line.
Support groups (mine is an online support group but if you live in a big city you should be able to find one there)
Family (my husband, older kids,parents)

There are always going to be family and friends who just don't get it. That is OK. They can be your support system for some other aspect of your life. For RAD you need people who get it, believe you and are non judgmental. Seek them out. It will make you stronger. Then when the storms come. You will stand fast. If you don't.....

Fire setting and curious boys

Bear, Dancer and Fish
Bear & Me

Fish & Eagle

Taz

We have had some trouble with boys playing with matches and starting fires where they should not. I do not want to be responsible for giving anyone advice on this matter as it is really serious. If your child is playing with matches or starting fires PLEASE seek the guidance of a professional. I cannot tell you what is right for your child but can only say what we have done for ours, what is right for us. Our Attachment therapist suggested we get a fire pit. Actually Taz bought it for us with his money since it was because of him we needed to do this. We went to the library and got a book on fire safety. He is in charge of building the fire in our fire pit. Fire is not a bad thing. In fact it can be useful and fun if used correctly. Today for lunch we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. We had S'mores for desert. Afterwards I asked Taz if he had fun and of course he did. We talked about fire again and how it is good if used properly. I do not think this would work if your child was setting fires out of anger, but only if it is a passing interest. Please be careful. I was hesitant to post this. Taz is our child who is healing from RAD and has made some great progress. I am so thankful for that.

Hurray for our kids

Time to think of some positives about our kids. Realize I am doing this while Taz and Bear are screaming and yelling at each other. In fact... I better go lower this down a notch and come back.

OK. Stopped for now. Where was I? Oh Positive things about our kids. Here we go.

Taz: Has worked very hard and doing some sweet things for me this week and showing me love. Just this morning he started going into a rage..stopped himself and gave me a hug and said he was sorry.

Bear: Caught up on all his work at school. YEAH!

Fish: Has been working hard at getting all his chores done without me asking.

Dancer: Is worked so hard at finding a summer job. Too early for any answers yet but she sure filled out a lot of applications.

Eagle: Didn't get the job from the interview earlier this week but still keeps on plugging onward! The job market stinks!

How was your week?

Symptoms of RAD

Some of you may have noticed I used to have a list of symptoms on the right for RAD and I removed them. The reason I removed them is the symptoms of so many childhood mental disorders are overlapping. I would hate for someone to read my site and decide their child had RAD and then try to follow all the parenting books when it was not really RAD at all. It really does take a professional who is well learned in the area of attachment as well as other childhood mental disorders to know the difference. There are also reliable and valid tests for many of the disorders that can be administered by a psychologist. There are medications that can be taken for some of these disorders. The treatment for them would be vastly different.

Our youngest has had many many diagnosis over the years. No medications ever made a bit of difference. We went through attachment therapy with him for about nine months. It made an amazing difference in our lives. We then saw them some of his behaviors were coming back in most definite swings that were uncontrollable. He has been diagnosed with bipolar as well only now the medications ARE helping. The difference being that he has been treated for RAD and has attached to me.

I realize not all of you are comfortable with therapists. It has taken an attachment therapist, EMDR therapist and psychiatrist to get all the help Taz needs along with us working hard at home. Every child is different and you are the expert on YOUR child. The above picture was drawn by Taz for me last night. I heart him too.

reactive/proactive

I find that often in parenting children with RAD I become reactive. I wait for the behaviors or attitudes to hit and react. I avoid the behaviors and attitudes and react. Lousy parenting.

When I stop and think about certain attitudes and behaviors and prepare a plan of action. When they do yada yada I will try lada lada I find I feel empowered. When I do not take it personally. When I stay the grown up. When I am loving empathetic and kind I am a better parent and I feel it. I may not always see it in their reaction but I still know.

Make a plan. Think of a behavior you would like to work on and decide how you will react the next time it happens.

If you are not sure what to do feel free to ask. If I do not know I know some brilliant moms who just might!

Hurray for our Kids

My good friend B reminded me I have not done this for awhile. It was not intentional I just kind of wandered away from it. For those who are newer, we list positive things that have happened in our kids lives over the last week. It is easy with RAD to get caught into a pattern of thinking negatively. If we look we will see there are positives too.

Eagle: Has a job interview today! Made some VERY mature decisions regarding a boy.

Dancer: Is home for spring break! YEAH. She is going summer job hunting today.

Fish: Continues to be cooperative in picking up and delivering siblings when needed.

Bear: Has started sitting with Fish at lunch instead of with kids with whom he will get into trouble.

Taz: Has been very helpful around the house lately.

So, what positive has happened in your child's life over the last week? If you don't want to share I hope you will make a mental list.

Mama Mondays

I am going to start writing on Mondays about moms. Taking care of children with serious emotional needs can take its toll. The tendency for many moms is to put everyone elses needs before our own. I do believe it is important to serve others. I do not think we can serve others if we are emotionally and physically depleted. Today I am going to talk about this stinking 10 lb I gained over the winter.

Nice weather is finally here. Walking outside is once again an option and I love it. I think the fresh air, birds singing and sunshine are invigorating. I also swim laps, use the elliptical, hand weights and treadmill. Obviously if I was doing these as often as I should I wouldn't have gained weight.

Then there is that nasty drive through window. I have started putting 100 calorie snacks in my glove box so if it is going to be awhile before I eat I can snack on one. It is when I wait until I am starving that I pull up to the drive through window and shocking words like "A #2 please" come out my mouth.

Emotional eating is my biggest problem. In Weight Watchers they taught us that in order to break one bad habit you have to replace it with a new habit. In other words just saying I am going to stop emotional eating is going to work. What am I going to do with those emotions instead? Because of my faith, I pray. I ask for strength and wisdom. Find something to do with your hands. Drink a large glass of water. Chew gum. That may sound silly but it is a stress reliever. I use chewing gum for test anxiety in grad school too. Go for a quick walk around the block. Call a friend or ask one to meet you for coffee.

Socialize! I think it is easy to get cut off from everyone else when you have difficult kids. It is easier to keep them home. There are a few places I can take them for an hour and it will be ok. I can only do it occasionally or it becomes a problem. Our public library and our local YMCA are the two best spots. I have to keep the time to no more than an hour but that gives me time to sit down and read through the paper at the coffee shop, run and errand or have a quick visit with a friend.

I believe all these things are actually wrapped up in managing my weight. When I feel emotionally recharged I care about how I look. When I feel physically strong I feel emotionally recharged. They seem to all be tied together! Today take care of the mama!

Is Attachment Therapy Abusive?

I see someone left a message below about this subject. Thanks for bringing it to my attention as it is a subject that should be clarified. A child was killed as a therapist used a method called "re birthing" with a child wrapped in a blanket. What a horrific tragedy. A child's safety should NEVER be put in jeopardy and be called therapy.

Current methods of Attachment therapy are generally loving, nurturing and empathetic. The child is respected in every way. In fact Attach has a paper written just about the subject of coercion. Parents are taught methods of therapeutic parenting. The majority of the work takes place in the home and the parents are doing the work with the child.

When interviewing an Attachment Therapist be sure to ask about coercion. It should not be a part of their plan. Read about the different methods in books or at websites listed on the right. Be completely comfortable with what methods your therapist uses. The words empathy and attunement should be a part of any plan.

I want to add this comment by Dr. Becker-Weidmann with thanks:

"Good points here. I might add that one additional thing to look for would be, is the person a Registered Clinician with the Association for The Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (www.attach.org). That would be very important. In addition, look at the therapists Informed Consent document to be sure what is and is not done is consistent with the ATTACh White paper and generally acceptable standards."

Discipline and RAD

Many of my thoughts today are just Brendaisms so take them for what they are worth. They are not professional opinions. Every family is different and you have to use what works for your kids. Remembering that our children are developmentally different then their chronological age is important. I believe that discipline should reflect that. They do not have cause and effect thinking. This is also important to remember. I believe that discipline of all children is to be done out of love and in a loving manner. Harsh, vindictive parenting is wrong for any child.

I also am big on Love & Logic Parenting. If you click on the link and then go to the bottom of the page and click on articles you will find hours of reading material.

So when my 16 year old son, who is internally 4-6, leaves the house and doesn't want to wear a coat I may say "The high today is going to be 46. I think this is just right for a jacket today." Then I leave the choice to him. He will learn more by going out in 46 degree weather without a coat and thinking "I should have listened" then by me forcing the issue. Would I do this with an actual 4-6 year old? No. I'd say "Go put on your jacket." With a 16 yo who is developmentally on level I generally would not say anything because they would check the temp for them selves.

Yesterday Bear smacked Taz. I had Bear come sit down next to me and miss the video they had been watching. He then began to try to pick verbally at me so I had him stand in the corner near me for awhile until he was ready to sit back down and try again.

Disciplining a child with RAD is tricky because they don't see us as loving. They see us a mean. It is so important that we give empathy when disciplining them.
Me: "I see you are really frustrated with Taz. I don't blame you for that. You need to use your words and talk with him and not hit."

Bear: "I tried talking to him and he won't listen."

Me:"It is still not ok to hit. Let's come up with some ways to handle it next time that would not end up with it becoming physical".

Then he needs to come up with a couple of choices. If he uses one of those choices next time something along the lines of

Me: "Bear I see you used the mature choice this time. I like to see you thinking things through and making mature decisions. That was a 16 yo way of handling it. Good job. Would you like to sit down and have some ice cream with me?"

This ties a reward to it without making it into a big deal. It also ties sugar, mom and sweetness to it which is important for kids with RAD.

I would also need to talk with Taz about what hewas doing and how he felt about it. He needs to come with some choices that would be fair as well. We generally allow very little tv so this might not be the best example. Feel free to share any ideas you have on discipline as it is such a difficult thing with children with RAD.

Traveling with RAD

I'm taking Bear and Taz on a 3 hour car trip to visit my mom today. We will be gone for 3 days.

Traveling with 2 kids with RAD is one of our biggest challenges. My husband is staying home with the other kids as they have activities. Anyway, I thought I'd offer some tips we have found helpful for riding in the car as well as for visiting relatives.

Car: HEADPHONES. They are the best tool in our car tool box! When the kids were younger they had a lot of books and tapes (my kids are older). Now they listen to CDs. Playing the ABC game works well for us. You know, the old game where you look for an A on a sign and then find a B, until you get all the way through. Pack a snack for part way through. Of course, if you have room there is separation. We also have the little portable DVD players and they can watch their own movie if they have their headphones on. Some of these activities promote attachment. Those that involve headphones do not. Riding in the car is not always the best place to work on that but it can happen. Our kids often open up in the car. So if you can keep all but one busy with headphones and have one sitting near you to play a game you might have some quality conversation from them. I usually find they open up best if I a) am quiet b) tell a story from my childhood.

Relatives: Awww, triangulation! Set the rules from the beginning, if they need something they are to ask you , no one else. They will ask grandma or other relatives for things they know you will say no to anyway so be prepared. If grandma objects I gently say "The point is they were supposed to ask me and they didn't. They know this is something they are not allowed to do." When your children are small you may have relatives who do not understand the amount of structure. You can go prepared with handouts you print off of any number of websites listed to the right that give a brief description of what RAD is. They may just not understand. And that may just have to be ok. Maybe you can agree to disagree. And then there is the sweet, charming and endearing behavior given to others. This is the time to dig deep and be a grown up. Let it go. Don't offer sarcastic remarks about how they treat you when no one is looking. In fact, this may be a time when you can let them know you enjoy this behavior from them. When someones says "They are so sweet." Let them here you say "Thank you. I think so too." All of us love to hear people say good things about us.

Structure: Try to keep sleep/wake schedules as close to the same for them as you can. Take along board games if you are going to an older relatives house where there won't be things to do. I have sat in rooms full of people playing "Don't break the Ice." with my boys. Everyone else wanted to play too! Watch the food. I let them have the sweets and foods grandma prepares in moderation. I am also taking along some protein powder, rice milk and fruit. I will make protein shakes as snacks for them to balance things out some. Take your kids for walks if weather permits or go to the mall so they can move.

Traveling with children with RAD can be so challenging but it can be done! The extra effort is worth it.

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

On Monday I had the privilege of a phone interview with Dr. Becker-Weidman. He has been practicing family therapy for 25 years in the New York area. He is also the adoptive parent of a daughter he and his wife adopted from China 14 years ago. He has written over a dozen scholarly papers and has presented and trained all over the world. He founded the Center For Family Development. He recently co-authored with Debra Shell the book Creating the Capacity for Attachment. He has a blog with a vast amount of information.

These are not exact quotes.

Me: Please tell me about the treatment you use for treating children with RAD.

Dr. Becker-Weidman: We use a method called Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy.

It was developed by Daniel Hughes. It is an attachment focused family therapy. It different than traditional therapy. It follows along the lines of the Circle of Security. It provides a playful, accepting, curious, and empathic environment for the child. The therapist models for the mother new ways of interacting with the child that are therapeutic.

Me: What 3 things do you think are most important for a mom of a child with RAD to know?

Dr. Becker-Weidman: First I do complete evaluation of each child that comes in. There are many other disorders that resemble the behavior seen with RAD. It is important to have the correct diagnosis.

1. Children with RAD are developmentally younger than their physical age. Treat your child as though they are the that developmental age. In other words, if a child is 8 but acts only 3, you need to have the expectations of a 3 year old for him.

2. Treat the cause not the symptom. Look at the underlying factor driving the behavior. That fear or sadness is what needs to be addressed.

3. Parents must develop the ability to be sensitive to the child's need. They need empathy and attunement. Think of your child as relationship phobic. When you work to develop emotional intimacy they will attempt to take you back to a level where they feel more comfortable.

Me: What if there is no Attachment Therapist in your area?

Dr. Becker-Weidman: Consider driving further. It doesn't make sense to get ineffective therapy. Locate a therapist who is willing to learn and drive to Attachment Therapy a couple of times. Some Attachment Therapists do 2 week intensives and you bring your therapist with you. We have done that one several cases. I can come to your area and do a master class for therapists. Check with the local health center that train therapists and see if they can have a training for therapists in your area.

On your initial call to an Attachment Therapist ask questions. See if it is a good fit. Many therapists have websites now. Ask for this and go and do some reading.

Me: Thank you Dr. Becker-Weidman.

Dr. Becker-Weidman has many resources available to us. Thank you Dr. Becker-Weidman for you time. Thank you for helping families!

Dr. Bruce Perry -the brain

Dr. Perry provides the below free online courses at his website. He is currently transitioning to a new website. The address of the first is http://www.childtrauma.org/ The newer address is http://childtraumaacademy.org/default.aspx

"Our online university offers free online courses for interested participants. Currently we have four self-directed online courses. "

The Amazing Human Brain and Human Development

Surviving Childhood: An Introduction to the Impact of Trauma

The Cost of Caring: Secondary Traumatic Stress and the Impact of Working with High-Risk Children and Families

Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children

Dr. Bruce Perry - our society

On Weds I went to a workshop taught by Dr. Bruce Perry. He has earned both M.D. and PhD degrees and is the Senior Fellow of the Child Trauma Academy in Houston, TX. The Workshop was on the affects of early violence and trauma on the development of the brain. He talked about some deep stuff some of which I am still trying to grasp. Today I just wanted to talk about how our society has failed in this area of child development. Generations ago people lived in multi generational families. The adult/child ratio was generally a couple of adults for every child. Now we look at the large day cares (non family run) in which the ratio is several children per adult. Look at the orphanages many of your children were in. How many adults per child? Even many of the foster homes with infants still have poor ratios. Babies and toddlers learn attachment, communication, self regulation through the one on one time spent with the adults with whom they live. When there are that many children per adult it cannot promote any of those areas of development. There is great power in relationships. In early childhood the brain is malleable. This is prime time for those relationships to shape it.

We have also compartmentalized ourselves in our society. In early years the community gathered to raise a barn, make a quilt, dance and celebrate. Now we all go to our own rooms at night, live in our own houses in a neighborhood and yet not knowing our neighbors. The material wealth has risen but we have great poverty of social and emotional opportunity for our children.

Television and video games have become our baby sitters. There are even videos for babies now. While they may be good quality videos they do not provide on on one contact with loving arms, eye contact and the opportunity to learn language by watching mom's facial expressions, hearing her heart beat and seeing how she reacts.

We saw a couple of visuals that were startling. One was the difference between a normal child's brain at 3 and one of a child who had suffered severe neglect. He showed us a variety of slides that showed holes, and missing connections in the neglected child's brain. We also watched a video clip of a synaptic connection as it takes place. These are were words, ideas and thinking are formed. Our children have synaptic connections that have formed incorrectly or never formed at all.

Our society is failing its children. I think we are as well aware of this as anyone. It has affected our children's brains in significant ways. I will write more about this next time!

What is your pet peeve?

The above drawing is by Rick at Organized Doodles
In case you can't tell Rick and I like giving each other a hard time about life in general. He does a lot of counseling himself and so I am sure he will be a great resource for me in years to come. He just doesn't know it yet. Mom's of special needs kids have a TON of Pet Peeves. Here is your chance to air your grievances in a nonjudgmental forum! : ) Here are two of my major ones.

People who ask "Do you kids all have the same father?" to which I reply "yes". I am their mother. My husband is their father. I do get some weird looks as we are not all the same ethnicity but tough.

The second is "Professionals" who don't believe in RAD. Excuse me. It is in the DSM-IV which is accepted written by the American Psychiatric Association.

So....what have you got for me?

Thanks Diana

Diana has given me the Lemonade Award! Thank you so much!! I am going to pass this award on to Allie at Crawford Times . No matter how tought it gets she just keeps on and still take time to share fun things about her family. When life gives her lemons she really does...well you know.

How Siblings Fare in Difficult Adoptions

by Mavis Olesen, Ph.D.
When parents knowingly or unknowingly adopt a child with extremely serious special
needs, children (birth or adopted) who already live in the home may be relegated to the
background as the new adoptee’s behaviors and problems escalate. As time goes on,
children whose very challenging siblings push them to the family’s margins may
experience physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual consequences - both negative
and positive. Fortunately, for these and other adoptive families, there are ways to protect
siblings and find peace amidst the chaos.
Challenges
Although most adoptive parents are able to successfully integrate new family members
into the mix of children already in the home, in some adoptive families, a deeply troubled
adoptee can play a much greater role in shaping her siblings’ experiences and feelings.
Family dynamics change when a new child arrives, and parents who assume a sometimes
overwhelming responsibility for one child can be in danger of neglecting other children.
The neglect may not be very apparent. What may happen, simply, is a blunting of attention
to the siblings’ emotional and spiritual needs due to sheer exhaustion from focusing so
much emotional energy on the very troubled child.
This attention imbalance and emotional distance may inspire in the adoptee’s siblings
actions and feelings such as:
Self-sacrificing behavior. Some siblings, even children as young as three, may try to be
extra good and help the parents with the adoptee. Such children can become masters at
hiding their needs, and their parents are frequently too exhausted to notice their pain.
Grateful for these well-behaved children, parents may make the compounding mistake of
reinforcing, through praise, the unhealthy self-sacrificing behavior.
o Anger and resentment. As siblings’ emotional needs go unmet, resentment and anger
can build up inside. If expressed openly, resentment can be addressed. When stored
instead of resolved, resentment may manifest itself in adolescence or adulthood. Siblings
may, for instance, harbor an underlying sense that they are not worthy, their mistakes are
unforgivable, and they do not deserve respect and care. Others may feel driven to
succeed. Still others may direct their anger toward their parents or reject religion.
In some cases, a troubled youth may physically or emotionally abuse his siblings. Due to
an adoptee’s neurological or mental disorders or past history, siblings may be in danger
from physical, emotional, and sexual violence. If the abusive child threatens more violence
if the siblings disclose information about his behavior, it can wreak further damage.
Some siblings are able to openly deal with abuse. If they do not receive help, however,
abused siblings can develop a victim mentality, and become vulnerable to poor choices in
vocation, relationships and other aspects of life.
Siblings may also resent having been subjected to ridicule from neighbors, classmates,
and others due to the troubled adoptee’s behavior. Siblings may feel both a sense of
shame when the adoptee turns to crime, develops a serious drug problem, lands in jail, or
commits suicide, as well as guilt over not being there for the brother or sister, being afraid
of him or her, or being unable to forgive past injuries.
Benefits
Sometimes, through the hard lessons of living with a very troubled brother or sister,
siblings are able to transform negative childhood experiences into positives. As adults,
their lives may be more full and meaningful. They know true pain and adversity firsthand,
and siblings say this experience can be enriching.
For example, siblings may be more able to empathize with people who have disabilities or
are facing other hardships. They may have learned to listen and see beyond the external
shell to the hidden burdens that disabled people bear. They may approach a street person
with compassion, because their own brother or sister was there once. They can often
handle courts, jails, and mental health facilities without fear and with great respect for
people struggling to become whole.
They are also less likely to judge or objectify prostitutes, pimps, drug addicts, and
homeless people. They know that brain damage has wide and varied results that may not
change over time, that some problems cannot be fixed, and that no amount of punishment
will stop some individuals from self-destructing.
In setting their own life course, siblings may have a heightened awareness of the
consequences of various actions - such as drinking and pregnancy. They know firsthand
how drinking while pregnant can condemn a woman’s child to brain damage and a lifetime
of challenges. Many choose helping professions because they have grown to understand
that all life is a gift, and some people need extra support and care. And, while fully aware
that life and families are not perfect, siblings can be more grateful for important things in
life.
Ultimately, by living with a troubled sister or brother, siblings may evolve into strong,
caring, and satisfied adults. The parents in Living in Limbo genuinely respect and admire
their children for where they are on their life journey and how they have learned to be
caring people.
Looking out for siblings
Although families profiled in Living in Limbo appreciate their children’s achievements,
they also realize that life could have been better for the whole family. Below are
suggestions about how families can address some of the challenges involved in raising
troubled children with siblings, while preserving the benefits of the experience.
Education. Learn as much as you can about your child, what to expect, what you can do.
The more you know, the better you can prepare. Thirty years ago, parents did not know
that some teens with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or FASD (due to their lack of
inhibition and inability to foresee consequences) may, if not prevented from doing so,
express their sexual needs by molesting siblings. If parents know the risks, they can avoid
trouble by carefully educating and supervising their children.
Sharing. To protect your child and those who may interact with her, share necessary
information with family and other community members. Teachers, law enforcement
officers, and others will then be able to deal with the child’s behavior more appropriately
(and understand the challenges that the child’s siblings face every day).
Support. No one who has not lived with your child can fully understand your family’s life.
Seek family therapy, and find adoption support groups or groups for families who share
your family’s issues or background. Some support groups offer special sessions for kids
where adoptees and their siblings can talk about issues that affect them. Siblings should
also be encouraged to find support from other trusted adults (teachers, coaches,
neighbors, grandparents, counselors) whom they can talk to and spend time with.
Self-sufficiency. Though you may gather information, and even advice, about your
children from those you trust (including other parents, doctors, counselors), your family
must make final decisions concerning any significant course of action. Do not wholly rely
on decisions made by those who do not have to live with the consequences.
Self-care. Unless parents and children learn to actively care for themselves on a very basic
level, they will not be very effective at caring for the troubled child or his siblings. As the
doctor says, eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest. Self-sacrificing siblings who witness
parents’ self-care behaviors can also learn to take better care of themselves.
Balance. Somehow find balance among the mental, social, emotional, physical, and
spiritual aspects of life for the whole family. It may be that you will have to develop much
more structure in each day’s activities. You might, for instance, establish set times for
physical exercise, prayer, interaction with each child, etc. By enforcing the schedule, life
for all of your children will be more predictable and feel safer.
Respite. Everyone in the family needs a chance to recharge, refresh their minds and
spirits, and have breaks from the stress of living with a troubled child. Siblings should be
allowed to visit friends, participate in school activities that bring them joy, and have some
time alone with parents. Parents should help each other to find time to relax, sleep, and
seek other healthy outlets.
Relationship maintenance. Like all parenting couples, couples who share the stress of
parenting challenging children need opportunities to keep their relationship strong. If you
can find a good respite provider, establish a regular schedule of outings with just your
partner. If you can’t easily leave the house, think of ways to periodically do something
special together after the kids are in bed. Well-tuned, connected parenting partners are
much better at supporting each other and helping to offset one parent’s time-consuming
care for the neediest child with attention to other family members. By sharing or trading
off the balancing role, parents can help keep events in perspective for themselves, the
troubled child, and other children.
Communication. Keep the lines of communication open with your parenting partner and
with the rest of the family. Plan time for regular (daily or weekly) family chats where
everyone has a turn to voice concerns. Listen for signs of stress from siblings who are
trying to be good and watch for symptoms of resentment or anger. Keep a family journal
of the negatives and positives, problem-solve, and follow-up. Celebrate anything positive
that emerges during or after the chat.
Mediation. If communication breaks down, you may want to enlist the help of an outside
mediator (a wise and respected aunt or uncle, church leader, or trained professional) who
can be a neutral observer and help each family member to express his problems or needs
and work toward solutions.
Expectations. For some children affected by FASD, severe neglect or abuse, or other
neurological disorders, common parental expectations (that their kids will stay out of
trouble, graduate from high school and college, start a career, get married, and have
children - in that order) can be unrealistic and even counter-productive. Without selling
your child short, be honest about her capabilities and limitations, and adjust expectations
accordingly.
Accentuating the positive. Even troubled children have accomplishments and can bring
joy to a family. Remember to celebrate each child’s gifts, talents and successes, large and
small.
Conclusion
It is easy to think of things we should have done once we have the chance to reflect with
our children, as adults, about the family’s adoption journey. Back when we did not
understand the depth of our adopted children’s pain and need, as well as the pain their
siblings endured, we - like most parents - made our share of mistakes. We have
discovered, however, that it is possible to find peace, even in the limbo of our children’s
struggles. Our hope now is that other families who adopt children with disabilities such as
FASD, attachment disorders, or post-traumatic stress disorder will be better-prepared and
supported as they face the challenges of living and growing together.
Permission to reprint this article was obtained from the North American Council on
Adoptable Children (NACAC). This article appeared in their summer 2004 newsletter,
Adoptalk. To learn more about NACAC, visit their website at www.nacac.org.
The article was authored by Mavis Olesen, Ph.D. Dr. Olesen’s book is Living in Limbo:
Families Journeying toward Understanding.
Arleta James, P.C.C.
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Sagamore Hills, OH 44067
440-230-1960, ext. 4
Arletaj@attachmentadoption.com

Antwone Fisher

I heard Antwone Fisher speak today. It was moving. He was born in jail and placed into foster care. As a foster child he was abused in about every way possible. He over came great adversity and is now a successful Hollywood screenwriter. His first work was called Antwone Fisher and was his life story. I was expecting a flashy RAD like man who had developed a Hollywood attitude. What I saw was a humble soft spoken man who just wants to share his story and help others. You can check out some of his work at http://www.antwonefisher.net/ He is also the author of two books both available at that site: Finding Fish and Poetry Man. Below is a poem he shared with us that really touched my heart.


Who will cry for the little boy
by Antwone Fischer
"Who will cry for the little boy,
lost and all alone?
Who will cry for the little boy,
abandoned without his own?
Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand.
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died and died again.
Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy,
who cries inside of me?"

Finding a therapist

I am excited to be finishing another term of grad school this week. This puts me exactly halfway done with my classes! Time has flown but it has flown at a furious hurried pace! I do have my most difficult classes completed now so even though I will have homework it will not be so overwhelmingly difficult!! YEAH!

Finding a therapist! I am not sure how many we have been through. I have tried to make a list a few times only to think later "Oh what about him? What about her?" If your child has Reactive Attachment Disorder they need specialized care. At the right are some links to Attachment Therapists who have been listed on a couple of web sites. But what qualities do you want? Well I can only tell you what has been important to me:

1. Mom comes in with the child and they work on building trust of child to mom not child to therapist.

2. Therapist has had some training with Attachment therapists, not just read a few books or websites.

3. Therapist lets the child know how much they value your input and opinion and that you are a GREAT mom. Let's face it. You are.

4.Therapist understands the damage trauma does to the brain and thinking.

5. Therapist is familiar with a variety of methods, Nancy Thomas, Foster Kline, Beyond Consequences and incorporates the best of them all.

6.Therapist takes time alone with mom to see how you are doing emotionally and talk about ways they can support you and other places for you to find support. Eventually you need to be able to do this without them.

7.Therapist demonstrates attachment parenting to you when relating to the child.

8. Therapist lets you know that you are heard. They receive input, suggestions, concerns graciously and openly.

9. They are working to help you achieve YOUR goals, not theirs.

10. Therapist gives you some preparation and planning for ending therapy.

I hope these things help. Please feel free to offer your thoughts.

Finding a psychiatrist

We have been on a journey of about.....9 years of finding a psychiatrist. Maybe I'm picky. I don't think drugging my children into zombies is treatment. I don't think switching medication every time we come is treatment. I don't think upping the dose beyond the recommended amount is treatment. So I thought since we have gone through several, and today found one I really liked, I'd give a few tips. If you have some PLEASE by all means share as I think this is of major importance. This sort of medication is loaded with side effects. I believe therapy is always the first treatment. I think all other avenues should be explored before giving into medication for behavior in children. But it has its place. Enough said.

1. You don't have to wait for months to get your first appointment.
2. She listens carefully to what you say and writes it down.
3. She addresses you and not just the child.
4. She gives you sufficient time to go over things in great detail.
5. She agrees that she does not believe in over medication.
6. She does not change medication each time you come.
7. She does not keep upping it until you are concerned. Most medication has a website, such as Concerta.com. Read for side effects and look at the dosage. Do not trust that a professional will stay within the recommended amount. I have had them go over and I refused to give it or go back.
8. They show respect for other professionals you may speak of : therapists, teachers, psychologists
9. They can converse with you intelligently about RAD.
10. They do not immediately assume all past diagnosis are wrong.
11. They deal mainly with children/adolescence and seem knowledgeable about the difference between kids mental health issues and those of adults.

Have a healing day!

Coupon for door alarms/My Precious Kid

Kay at My Precious Kid sent me this comment. This was in response to the post about door alarms!! I should add that she has many other safety/parenting products.

"I would be happy to offer a coupon code to your readers: code # 10WTR09 good for 10% off until 03/31/09"

Enjoy! And thanks Kay!

Door Alarms and RAD

We have used door alarms for several years. Our kids are now teens. Taz has it figured out. He knows if he opens the door quickly, he can shut it off and we won't wake up. These are just the type that stick to the door frame. He took the battery out too. So I have a new source: My Precious Kid. They have a door alarm that has a key pad. The sound can only be shut off using the code. I just ordered one for his door and one for his window as we also have problems with him going out the window once the weather is nice.

There are several reasons for door alarms. Taz gets up and raids the frig and fills up on refined carbs at an alarming rate...an entire bag of tortillas, a half gallon of ice cream. They send his mood through the roof. When he was younger we also had the problem of him going around and waking up siblings intentionally.

If you have never used alarms and are concerned about it becoming a game, there are some things you can do. Nancy Thomas gives her kids an hour nap for every time it goes off because she is tired and needs to rest. You can also have them do some of your chores since you will be tired.

P.S. Linda just told me about one at Radio Shack. It is cheaper with a key entrance if you'd prefer that!

International RAD

Our adoption was a foster adoption. Many children who have RAD were in some form of orphanage for a few months or years. My good friend B shared with me this information which I found interesting. Dr. Frederici is a neuropsychologist who is on the east coast and works with kids who have been in orphanages and are having difficulty adjusting to their new home. Our son, Bear, went to a neurospcyhologist and she gave us some of the most valuable information on his condition that we have. He has several interesting articles. There are some helpful links as well. Have a healing day!

Caramels and RAD love

For a healthy mom/infant relationship feeding time is so special. That is when we cannot stop looking into their eyes and they are completely locked into ours. They study our faces with such seriousness. They often fall asleep when they are full snuggled into our arms. As toddlers we move them into a high chair and work hard to make sure they are given a proper nutritional balance. We talk, laugh and play as we feed them. They try to feed us. We love them so much we eat their nasty food as they stick it in our mouths and say MMMMMMMM (wondering how on earth babies eat this stuff, except blueberry buckle which was GOOD). We gently wash their faces when they are done and often rock them for their nap afterwards.

Now move into our children's world as infants. If they were fed on time a bottle may have been stuck into their mouths and propped by someone. Then the person probably walked away. This may have been from neglect or it may be because they were in an orphanage that was very busy. There was little snuggling, rocking or emotional connection. As toddlers, they probably moved right into adult food because of lack of resources. I know many families in homes that not functioning well do not sit down to a meal together. Everyone just eats when they are hungry. My boys had little food. I will not go into it but it is a not a surprise they have such emotional feelings about food.

This brings us to the caramels. The sweet melty taste of caramels or vanilla ice cream has that feeling of mother's milk. So snuggling your child and feeding them a caramel or spoons of ice cream while you talk, do Eensy Weensy Spider, sing songs, or tell jokes is an important intimacy builder. It is going back and giving them something they missed that was very important. If they fight you, do it for short periods and make sure it is relaxed and happy. If they are bigger or just cannot handle having you hold them have them lay on the couch while you sit next to them.

One of our boys is going through some real emotional issues with food right now. I am thinking of going back to snuggle time and the caramels with him for awhile and see if it helps. I hope you'll give it a try! Have a healing day!

Nonsense

State swim champions! Fish is second from left.

Me & Eagle

We had the state swim meet yesterday. Our son, Fish, was 3rd in the 500 yd freestyle and 4th in the 200 yd freestyle. Pretty good for a sophmore. We are excited about his hard working paying off. He is a great kid and we are even more excited about that. Taz actually did pretty well. We all stopped at Olive Garden for dinner and ate with the team. I obviously need to use cloth napkins at home once in awhile. Taz immediately spread his out and used it for a place mat. Bear asked if we were going to take them home or leave them there. Which takes me to the whole playing dumb line of thought. There was a lot of nonstop nonsense chatter on Bear's part. Statements while we are at the restaurant like "We're in luck. The swim team is eating here too." "There's a TV camera". "Look the swim meet is on TV" (out in the hall). All things obviously we can all see and know. Do they do these things on purpose? I think sometimes their brains are so on overload and they are so caught up in the danger of every place that they actually miss a lot of what is going on around them. So they don't think these things through but just blurt it out as they notice it. I often say that Bear says out loud the things we think. If you think about driving down the road and the thoughts you have, his are all verbalized. "Look at that sign." "A green car" "25 degrees". I point out to them sometimes that this is what is happening. We all have those thoughts but we learn the self control not to say them all out loud. They need practice. They need understanding. We also have to be careful not to read manipulation and control into every action. Parenting a child with RAD is such hard work. But then you know that. Have a healing day!