The Sweetness After the Holidays

I remember this even when RAD was rampant in our home. We arrived home from Thanksgiving on Saturday. The boys immediately relaxed. There was an unusual quietness in our home. There was relief on their faces. I love those times because it shows they feel safe in our home. If you get those after holiday sweet times, I know you enjoy them too. Make sure you enjoy their significance as well. Sweet safety.

The Blind Side

We are back from a wonderful Thanksgiving with my side of the family. The diet went down the tubes within 5 minutes of walking in the door. I did go walking a couple of times and walked when I got back home but I'd probably have to walk to California and back to walk off what I ate.

While we were at my mom's we all went and watched the movie The Blind Side . We all loved the movie about a family in MS who has an orphaned boy come live with them. He ends up becoming a part of their family. I identified with the mom very strongly even though I do not even remotely look like Sandra Bullock and have no money. In fact about 5 minutes into the movie I looked at my husband who was smiling and said "She is me." He just nodded and grinned. This is based on a true story.

I waited awhile afterwards and had some interesting talks with the boys based on the movie. "What would it have looked like if he had rejected his new mom's help?" "What if he had been to afraid to love her?" "What would your life look like now if you took on his attitude?" Good stuff Maynard.

I do need to forewarn you that there are some brief flashbacks to his childhood and the moment he was taken from his mother that might be tough if your child is dealing with those losses right now.

Two thumbs up from our house!! Actually, it would be 14 thumbs up!

Deborah Hage

I love Deborah Hage. Her books are informative about parenting but also give you some real back ground on how the trauma has effected our child. She does it in language that I can understand. I'm not big on psychobabble. She has a website full of helpful articles. Pay her a visit! I also wanted to provide a link to an article she wrote entitled Holiday Help for Your Family. I know she would never read my little blog but I wanted to send out a big Thank You to Deborah Hage for all the help she has provided me over the years.

Melt down

Blow up! Melt down! ~ Teddy Bear

Melt down! Blow up!~Taz

Tiz the season....I'm tired.

Don't know if this is what you are experiencing right now but remember to take some moments to breath and recoup during the Thanksgiving weekend. I went to 2 exercise classes tonight. Don't be too impressed. I REALLY need it as I'm battling the weight thing again.

The holiday excitement can really get to our kids. They need rest, lots of time at home, to be near mom and lots of hugs. We need rest, time to ourselves, to be near our husbands and lots of hugs. Make sure everyone is getting what they need!

How about that Taz?

My child who had RAD couldn't bare to throw his old bed spread in the trash. He went out to the trash can and was gone for quite awhile. He finally came back and says "I couldn't do it."

Taz has never cared about possessions. When he was little his toys would be broken within the day of getting them. He breaks many of our things. He has had his possessions repeatedly taken from him with his many moves by age 3 and felt he and nothing he owned was of value.

It is very touching to me to see this softeness in him. It is a sign of healing as it is so different then he has been in the past.

Marriage

Having a special needs child is so tough on a marriage. Even a really strong one.

Triangulation: Kids with RAD will reject and defy mom while turning on the charm for dad and everyone else. Mom often looks inept, over involved or harsh. DADS! Do not let your child come between you and your wife. Let your child know that mom and dad are a team that cannot be divided. Dad believes mom's stories and is there for support and to take over regularly so mom can have time to herself.

Conversation: RAD, RAD,RAD, RAD. It can consume a mom. Don't let it consume conversations with your spouse. Talk about the children that are doing well, about common interests or hobbies. Talk about your future after kids.

Fun: Go out and have fun with your spouse without kids. Finding someone who can watch them is worth the difficulty. They may be upset by your going out but you have to do it.

Commitment: We are committed to our kids but first we are committed to each other. Make sure your spouse knows they come first in the family. We need to listen to each other. We need to care about each others feelings.

If all this means you need to get some marital counseling than go! If one of you needs counseling GO! Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is better than just letting things slide.

I'm so thankful for my husband. We have been through some tough times but they have made us stronger! They can do the same for you if you focus on each other and don't let things go.

Thanks for the kids

Instead of a Hurrah for our Kids I thought this weekend I'd write while I am thankful for my kids.

Eagle: I'm thankful for her adventurous spirit. I'm thankful that she is working so hard at finding her way out on her own. She is doing such a great job.

Dancer: I'm thankful she is home for a week from college! I'm thankful for her studious nature and for her desire to help people with her life.

Fish: I'm thankful for his careful consideration of my feelings. I'm thankful he is such a hard worker. I'm thankful for his smile.

Teddy Bear: I'm thankful for the beginnings of healing. I'm thankful for his artistic ability and for seeing him start to set some goals for himself.

Taz: I'm thankful for his free spirit. I'm thankful for his soft heart and also for the healing I have seen in his life.

Hubby: I'm oh so thankful for my supportive husband. He is the quiet rock standing behind me.

I'm also thankful for each of you! Your wit, wisdom and caring mean the world to me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If your oxygen mask drops..........

When a flight attendant does her little speech when you first get on a plane she tells you that if your oxygen mask drops to please put on and adjust your own mask before assisting others. What if you were in an emergency and you ignored this instruction? This is a great metaphor for mom's. We tend to take care of the needs of others and ignore our own. How do we balance this with Biblical teachings? The Bible says we are to be the servant of all. Jesus was our example by washing the feet of the disciples. We do love our husbands and children so much and will do anything for them. No where in the Bible does it say to love others means you have to be an over weight, haggard exhausted mess who can no longer function.

When you are over worked can you still have a serving attitude? It is very difficult. It is easy to become resentful and weepy. Maybe that is just me. I'm not talking about spending a bunch of money you don't have. I'm saying take 30 minutes a day to walk, read, sit down with a cup of coffee, or take a quick nap.

Date your husband. It is good for both of you. When we didn't have much money I'd drop off the kids at a friends and come home and fix a nice meal just for the two of us. Go out for an ice cream cone. The simple things are sometimes the very best. When our kids are at youth group on Sunday night my husband and I go get groceries together. He pushes the cart and I go through the list. Even though it is just a chore I look forward to the time to talk.

There is also the point of what we are teaching our children about how to treat their wives. My boys open the door for me. They are not to walk in front of me, but next to me. They are to speak respectfully to me or the conversation is done.

Please put on your oxygen mask before assisting those around you.

Teddy Bear

In my side bar it describes Bear as our child that we are hoping will some day turn into a Teddy Bear. The day has come! I have almost given up hope so many times. No.....I have given up hope many times. After our incident last Friday night life has been different here. I feel I can honestly say he has taken that first huge step toward me. I had class last night and didn't get home until 11:40. All were sound asleep. This morning he came out of his room with a small picture of me he had drawn with the note "I love you mom" written on the side. He started to hug me and hesitated. Of course, I hugged him and said thank you.....I was stunned. He has done several things that stunned me over the last few days.

He has always kept sharp objects in his room. He makes them out of a variety of objects and hides them. I periodically do a search and just quietly throw them out. I feel unsafe with them in there. Back when he was in attachment therapy I took one of the objects once to discuss with our therapist. Bear stated that he has them to keep safe. He does not feel safe. He fears people coming into his room at night, robbers. So he makes the objects to protect himself. Because of his explosive temper I fear in a moment of rage they will be used on one of us. These weapons are very important to him though, in feeling safe and so he hides them.

A couple of nights ago he came upstairs and said "I need to show you something". He had a broken end of an old knife hidden in a coin purse. I told my husband it was so old and rusty it probably couldn't cut bread. He said "You didn't know I had this so I felt I should show you it and ask you if it is OK if I have it." THIS IS HUGE. I told him that I was glad he showed me it. I felt he was mature enough to decide what he wants to do with it himself. I felt with him taking this beg step of trust I could give him some trust back. It helped that it was not very sharp, to be honest.

Never, never, never quit. Having a child begin to heal from RAD at 17 is a tough road....it is possible.

RADdy Hoot!

Come on! Admit it! Now and then your little RADling says something hilarious. Taz came home in a foul mood today and I'm getting the brunt of it. He refused to talk to me. He comes and sits down at dinner.

Me: So tell me what is going on that you are treating me like crap today.

Taz: I'm not treating you like crap I'm just making it look like it.

??????????????????? How can I not laugh? He is sitting in his room thinking of something else to say currently. He is good at this by now so I expect him to pop out in a few minutes.

Also at dinner I noticed that Bear has worn the same hooded sweatshirt several days in a row.

Me: Bear is there a reason you are wearing the same shirt every day?

Bear: This is only the second day I have worn this shirt all year.

I lept from my chair with my plate and scooted back across the room with my chair.

Bear: What are you doing?

Me: Avoiding the giant lightening bolt that is going to come down and zap you for lying.

He begins laughing and says he was lying. He has made quite a bit of progress the last few days. He will always be my quirky boy but I'm quirky too so I don't mind!

Come on moms!! Be silly! Refuse to take it all so seriously. One I got from a book somewhere (I have no idea) is that I also start scrubbing my forehead when they lie.
Bear:"What are you doing?"

Me: "Did I forget to wash the word STUPID from my forehead?"

Of course, you have to change it up. Nothing so boring as comedy repeated to often.

Family Sculpting

In a couple of my classes we have learned a technique called family sculpting. Now remember I am still just a student and not a professional so this is mom advice. It is not professional advice or opinion. Family sculpting is when you have the family all stand together in one room. You have a family member have every one stand in the room in a place that represents how close they emotionally feel to them.

My husband and fish were out of town. I took Bear and Taz to Dairy Queen. Bear is 17 and refuses to talk about how he feels about any of us. He just says "There is nothing wrong with our relationship." He is extremely defensive and extremely explosive. I decided to do a mini version that is less emotional. The first method of actually standing in spots can bring up very strong emotions in a person so may be too much for any kid with RAD. I don't know. We used our cups. One the table at DQ we named our cups. I am Diet Coke! : ) I had Bear arrange us how he sees us. He put us all close together and put Taz way off to the side. I don't think he believes this but you can't correct or criticize if you want to hear their thoughts. I know he was thinking where he actually stands even though he did not arrange it that way. So then you say "Explain where everyone is standing." After he explains ask "How do you want it to look?" That was more interesting because I think it was more honest. Ask them to explain how that would feel and what they would like about it. Then have them put them back to where he started them and ask "What do you need to do to take one step closer to where you want to be?" Taz did the same little exercise with the cups.

We chose a specific time of day. At our house mornings have been awful for 11 years. We chose morning time to work on. I helped Bear come up with 2 specific behaviors that he does that are very defensive in the mornings to not only stop doing but also not talk about. Two also for Taz. The easiest action to explain was that when I wasn't looking Taz would use the broom as a gun every time Bear walked by. The fights from this one action were huge. This was Friday. They have both not only successfully stopped the 2 actions but mornings have been wonderful!

First realize that Taz has made huge progress in his attachment to me. I would no longer say he has RAD but that he has some attachment issues. Bear has many issues besides RAD so he is a complicated guy.

After the conversation at home Bear had a major blow out. He screamed that he hated me. That he hated Taz. He pounded on the floor with his fists and said he could not wait to get out of this house. It was one of those moments when I was able to stay calm and not take it personally. I love those moments. I went in and sat with him and started rubbing his shoulders and said I was so sad for him that there was so much anger. I said I wished I could help him deal with his anger. We once again talked about a balloon that bursts when it is too full and that anger inside is the same. The only way he was going to get rid of the anger is too start talking.

He started talking about his social problems and we talked about that for another 15 minutes. I don't think it is the root of the problem but we went with what he wanted to talk about. Empathy. I told him that I didn't like high school either and that when he gets out it will be easier. I didn't want him to think that life would be like this. I told him I'd always be here for him to talk too and that I felt bad for him. Hug. Attaching moment. Progress......

Updating websites on my side bar

I am going to up date the websites on my side bar. If you have a blog that is not there and would like it listed could you give me the address? Please let me know if it is about adoption, RAD or a blog about general things as I have two listings.

Everyone has their own style and situation. It really helps people find people they can connect with to add as many of you as I can.

Thanks

Road blocks

Many time when life gets tough we look at the road blocks. We see the obstacles in our path and think "HOW?" The road blocks look huge. How do I get past my child's fear? Will my child ever love me? What happens when he grows up? And we see no way.

Look instead at the little paths around the road blocks. God has made a way to heal our children. He will give you the wisdom to find the path. We want nice wide side walks that we can see the end of. He lights our path, one step at a time. That requires faith. It requires nerves of steel. Look for the open path~It is there.

Never, never, never quit.

diffusing anger

KABOOM! Heard daily at my house.

Anger is a cover for fear or sadness that is too great. The child is not able to talk about, doesn't know how or is just not ready. So it comes off as explosive anger. Here are some ways to deal with anger before it escalates into an all out physical rage.

Let's suppose Johnny has come out of his room and is angry about his chores.

1. Be appreciative: "Thanks for bringing this up." "It is helpful when I know how you feel." "I am glad you feel safe feeling your anger around me."

2. Ask for more information "Tell me more about why your chores bother you.""Can you tell me a time when it would work better for you to do the chores?"

3. Find something with which you agree. "I don't like my chores some times either and don't feel like doing them." "Some chores are not much fun."

4.Begin to focus on a solution"Set a time today that you would like to do them." "How about if we break it into steps and you do part now and part in an hour?" "As long as they are done by dinner you can set the time."

Do not become defensive. Do not become sarcastic. Do not act superior (You are the parent but do not demean)Do not grill him with questions. Asking a few questions to get him thinking and sharing is great but too many will just make him mad again.

If none of these calm him I often say "When you can come to me calmly I will discuss it with you." and walk away. Or if they just flat out refuse to cooperate I say"We are having dinner at 5:30. We hope you will join us but if you choose not to have your chores done by then you can join us as soon as you are done."RARELY has this not worked.

The conversation could go something like this: (not a real conversation)

Bear: I don't want to do my chores and I'm not going too.

Me: Thanks for letting me know. I was wondering how the chores are going for you. Can you tell me what it is that is bothering you? Is there a certain part you don't like?

Bear: I hate it all. They are stupid and I don't want to do them. You should do them.

Me: I agree that chores may seem stupid some times but just think what it would be like if we didn't all do them. My least favorite chores is laundry. It seems like it is never ending. But I do it because I want to help the family. I really appreciate your part in helping the family too.

Bear: But I don't want too.

Me: I don't blame you. That is why I think it is so cool that you do them anyway. It shows great strength of character to help out your family. I tell you what, why don't you do half now and I'll set out our after school snacks. When you have half done join me on the couch for some cookies.

After the snack say "Dinner is in 2 hours. I'd love it if you joined us for dinner. We all need to have our chores done by then. If you don't want to do your later that is fine. Just let me know and I'll fix you a plate to eat when you are done. I do hope you join us though." Mine have NEVER missed eating with us. They may go up right to the last minute but as they see the table being set they throw it in to over drive.

Happy deflating!

Most info is adpted from Case Management Practice: Skills for the Human Services

Homeostasis

Our families all have a balanced steady state of equilibrium. This is the family homeostasis. It is whatever is consistent for us. It can keep us on an even keel OR it can keep us stuck. We can keep repeating stuck behaviors just because we have fallen into the pattern.

When we see our home life falling into a pattern of fighting we need to stop and examine what is going on. Generally when that happens in our home I see a couple of things:

1. We have stopped having fun. If our kids have to earn all of their fun we will develop negative homeostasis. Due to their past trauma our kids may feel they don't deserve rewards. The family closeness can trigger the fear in them. Go do something fun anyway. We had a terrible morning but since my boys have a half day of school today I'm taking them out for lunch. Did they earn it? No. Do we all need it? YES.

2. I have fallen into acting on my feelings instead of thinking things through. I have started taking their actions personally. When they say "Don't start pretending like you care." and you have been working so hard to show them that you do. STOP! THINK! They are saying "Please let me know you care. I'm afraid."

3. I have stinkin thinkin. Sometimes I need an attitude adjustment myself. I may be tired, overwhelmed, not exercising, eating junk or not getting time with other adults. Sometimes it is ME who needs a time out!!

When you put a positive balance back into the family and are open to change you will see the change in your family. The old adage "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" is really true.

Here's to having a positive homeostasis in your family!!

Attitude of Gratitude

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is a time when we express thanks. Honestly, I let Christmas stress me out. I'm going to work on that this year. I love to hear people talk about what they appreciate instead of what they want. Most of what we want in this country is such a luxury.

If you've been with me awhile you will remember our "Wall of Gratitude". We have a memo board on our fridge. We use it for a variety of things but I occasionaly write "Gratitude" or "I am thankful for.." and everyone starts writing. I usually start it. As family members walk past and think of something they add it to the board. When it gets full we start over.

It takes some positive thinking to be thankful. Kids with RAD may have a tough time with this. I put no pressure on anyone to add to it. After a few days you may be surprised to see that your child with RAD may have added one thing. It may be superficial but they tried!

Having a thankful heart does not come naturally in our self centered society. Hopefully we don't just take one time a year to remember to give thanks. It is great to focus on it this month though. I want to remember to be thankful as well as teach my children to give thanks too.

What does your family do to focus on a spirit of thanks?

Lines and Circles

Oh me. Oh my. What a day.....

It starts last night with:

Taz tells me he has a 15 minute detention after school because a sub thought he was annoying....I'm afraid to ask.

Bear walks out while Taz is telling me this and says that he had an office referral because a teacher thinks he called her a name.

This morning the phone rings and it is the assistant principal. Bear is suspended for the day for calling the teacher the B word. I receive an email from the teacher and it really was an afternoon of H-E Double hockey sticks for her with his behavior.

I have homework due Monday. A big midterm on Weds. Taz has a swim meet on Saturday. I have company coming for the day on Sunday. Nooooo problem. Clean house, make menu, do homework, study for exam, deal with Bear all day.

Normally if one of the boys is suspended I send them to pull weeds or rake leaves all day. I have so much to do I just do not have time to deal. So I have been making him sit on his bed. I did clean out the fridge and the Tupperware was mighty stinky so he is downstairs washing it by hand as we "speak".

We learned some things in Marriage & Family I have put to good use with him. He has what is called Linear Thinking.

Like when the child rolls the ball, he feels other people actions cause his reaction. End of story. "They make me mad and when they make me mad I explode." This makes complete sense to him.

Our interactions with people are actually circular. They act. We react. They react. We react. So when he argues, they give a consequence. He thinks the consequence is unfair so he yells. They feel frustrated so try so come up with a new consequence. It goes in a circle with each leading to a reaction from the other.

This gives the picture that he has power. He is very much victimized in his thinking. He reacts as though life just happens to him. Circular thinking shows that it is all interactions. He effects others. They effect him. How he reacts then effects them again.

Telling him this story once will not change things. Talking it through and what the circle that he just experienced looked like and that he has power to change may.

Where do you fit on the scale between helicopter and drill Sargent?

There are 3 basic types of parents.

The first is the helicopter

The helicopter hovers over the child making sure their every move is correct. She worries and fusses over everything they eat, what they say, how they treat others to the point of being fused into the relationship with her child in an unhealthy way. It is hard for the child to have a separate identity and blossom and grow as an individual. The child can become anxious and as a teen rebel against the hovering parent. Or they may wait until they leave home and then let 'er rip. Or they could just become a neurotic worried person themselves.

The second is the drill Sargent parent.

The drill Sargent believes her children should do what she says when she says. There should be no disagreement, no variance, no friction. Orders are snapped out and their is little affection. Directions are given concisely and the house is run like a ship by a captain.

Last is the parent who has landed some where safely in the middle of those two extremes. This parent gives loving guidance but allows the child to make mistakes. Making mistakes while they are at home gives them the chance to learn from them and grow. They feel free to be themselves while the parent models, talks with them about choices and gives sensible consequences when necessary. Love and affection are given freely, but there are safe boundaries in which the child should stay. These boundaries expand as the child shows the ability to make safe choices and matures. The child will sometimes fail as we all do. The parent's will sometimes fail as we all do. But forgiveness and restoration are practiced.

None of us are perfect. We all are a work in progress. We keep on keeping on.

My name is Brenda and I am a Yellaholic

Christine over at Welcome to My Brain wrote an excellent post on yelling a few days ago. The woman is brilliant!

I have given up yelling but have to work constantly to keep from falling back on to it. Just when I think I have it over come I hear it spewing from my mouth and gasp. Engage brain. Shut mouth.

First of all it is a trigger for many kids. Children who have been abused and neglected may have many traumatic memories surrounding yelling. A certain look on our faces, an angry gleam in our eyes along with the loud voices can all take them back to some pretty bad moments. So if any of those things happen they are no longer with us in the kitchen but back at some bad place in time. They may not even be aware it happens. The wiring in the brain has been so changed that the "fight, flight and freeze" part is working way more than is healthy.

Does this mean we give in to little Johnny's every whim and put on our June Cleaver face at all times? Of course not. We set boundaries. We can be firm but speak gently.

Our son, Fish, has refused to turn down the radio in his car. It is so loud that it hurts my ears. Of course, he does not do this if we are in the car. He had a low tire that I went to have repaired yesterday. I turned on his radio and was thrown to the back of the car by the sound. Well, not really. But it was loud. I've told him he cannot hear if something is wrong with his car. He cannot hear sirens. I had my car guy help me out. He took out the fuse that runs the radio and I have it tucked away.

Fish was angry and started to yell. I hung up. When he can calmly and respectfully come and discuss with me why it was taken we will talk about how long it will be. I do not talk with children who are yelling but walk away. If they say "Why aren't you talking to me about it?" I say "When you can talk with me calmly and respectfully we will have a conversation." Fish does not have RAD but I use the same principal with all of our kids.

Teaching our kids to talk things out instead of yelling will help them throughout their lives in many relationships. It is worth the trouble. I'm Brenda and I am an Yellaholic.

Logic

Here is an excellent example of no logic. I did a load of laundry for Bear yesterday. I put them in the dryer before I left for class. I remember setting the dial for extra long so the jeans would be sure and be dry. This morning he says "I need to go down and get my clean laundry." Next thing I know he is screaming because his clothes are still wet. Every few minutes the spew of how stupid I am and that anyone knows to turn on the dryer is heard. I go down stairs and he opens his door and starts again. I see behind him all his clothes spread out on the floor. I asked why he didn't just turn the dryer on instead of spreading them on his floor. "They would never get dry in time."...........45 min in the dryer vs 45 min on his floor? I just turned and left. And yes, he will be doing his own laundry from here on out.

Yippy Skippy

Bear is over the flu and went back to school today. His anger began creeping back more and more each day he felt better. We are now back to each word I say being perceived as some form of aggression. I do my best to just ignore most things and focus on the majors. He made it out the door dressed and ate some pancakes.

Of course I wish he would have stayed in "attach" mode as he was that first day of the flu, but it still gives hope. Just having a glimmer of who they can be is all it takes to keep going. It helps to see the possibilities. It reminds me of the song little kids sing.

"I am a Promise.

I am a possiblity.

I am a Promise

with a capital P.

I'm a great big bundle

of potentiality!"

Achieving your Dreams

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, Oh Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands."Psalm 138:8

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance." Proverbs 1:5

"Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:14