Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Homeostasis

Our families all have a balanced steady state of equilibrium. This is the family homeostasis. It is whatever is consistent for us. It can keep us on an even keel OR it can keep us stuck. We can keep repeating stuck behaviors just because we have fallen into the pattern.

When we see our home life falling into a pattern of fighting we need to stop and examine what is going on. Generally when that happens in our home I see a couple of things:

1. We have stopped having fun. If our kids have to earn all of their fun we will develop negative homeostasis. Due to their past trauma our kids may feel they don't deserve rewards. The family closeness can trigger the fear in them. Go do something fun anyway. We had a terrible morning but since my boys have a half day of school today I'm taking them out for lunch. Did they earn it? No. Do we all need it? YES.

2. I have fallen into acting on my feelings instead of thinking things through. I have started taking their actions personally. When they say "Don't start pretending like you care." and you have been working so hard to show them that you do. STOP! THINK! They are saying "Please let me know you care. I'm afraid."

3. I have stinkin thinkin. Sometimes I need an attitude adjustment myself. I may be tired, overwhelmed, not exercising, eating junk or not getting time with other adults. Sometimes it is ME who needs a time out!!

When you put a positive balance back into the family and are open to change you will see the change in your family. The old adage "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" is really true.

Here's to having a positive homeostasis in your family!!

9 comments:

waldenbunch said...

It is so hard in the trenches to remember to have fun! I am going out of town this weekend for a scrapbooking girls weekend. I know I will "pay" for it when I get home, but we're trying to work through the feelings ahead of time. I need it even though the week will be rough when I get home!

BeckyJoie at Leaders in Learning said...

I couldn't agree more. I find the worse thing for me to throw me into apathy or oversensitivity is being overtired. "Take care of yourself, Mamma, so you can be the Mamma" is what I have to tell myself sometimes.

Brenda said...

One thing that has helped mine when I am gone is to tell them I am going to be thinking of them while I am gone and I am going to bring back something that shows I was thinking of them. I bring back a pen from someplace, some candy, or some small memorabelia. I tell them they can do something for me if they'd like, such as a "Welcome home" sign. I also tell them if they are too afraid they can act out when I get back because I am strong and love them enough to deal with the fear. Have a GREAT TRIP!

Brenda said...

Bekcy Joie,

Great saying. I think I will put that on a 3x5 and put it on my bathroom mirror.

peggysue said...

Great ideas. I always bring a little something back with me, an unusual candy bar, last college visit I brought back a small red football . . .I think it helps.

And its funny to read your post, I am taking DD out to dinner at McDonald's this evening just because . . . there has been little in the behavior lately to 'deserve' it but I had already determined we needed it even before I read your post. Great minds and all that . . .

Becky said...

Great post, great ideas! I really agree. I can truly see that when I'm taking care of me and remaining happy, calm, and ya...stable the boys are too. If I'm tired or crabby and acting it, they will be too!

marythemom said...

I'm trying really hard to spend time with my RAD son that is positive. He's making it pretty hard right now. He's avoiding the family so it feels like the only times I see him I need to be reprimanding him and telling him what to do (chores mostly). It's gotten so I'm avoiding him because I don't want to deal with his attitude or have mine rub off on him.

Will try to remind myself that sometimes we need to do something that he hasn't earned (or we'll never do anything). It still feels like I'm rewarding him for negative behavior and letting him think I'm weak and easily manipulated.

Mary in TX
http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/

BT said...

Great post! Thanks.

Brenda said...

Mary the Mom,

You sound exhausted. Don't forget to take care of yourself. My relationship with Bear is a really tough one too and I can so identify with the feelings you are having. I feel like I battle my own attitudes so much of the time. If you feel weak in doing the activities remember how much strength it is taking for you to do them. If you fear he is seeing it as weakness just say" Let's go out to eat for lunch today. We need some fun in our day" YOU are in charge and you know why you are doing it. Don't worry so much about what he is thinking as you can't control it. It feels great to do the right thing even when it is really hard.