State swim finals

State swim finals are tomorrow. Fish made it into the finals in his 2 individual events. The 2 relays he is in made it into the consolations. It was a great day for him. Tomorrow we all go....My two RADishes have been having a rough go of it since Christmas. This is a pretty major set back for Taz. I'm wondering if it will take a trip to the Attachment therapist or two to get him back in gear. I usually seem to be able to handle it but seem to say all the wrong things currently. Teen RAD is tough.

Go Fish!

Fish is swimming in the preliminaries at State high school swimming today. He is competing in the 200 yd freestyle, the 500 yd freestyle and a couple of relays! Go fish!

My Mind and J-O-Y

One of the interesting things about taking counseling classes is the assessments. Since we need to know how to give them to people we take the assessments ourselves. This gives us understanding of how it feels to answer them and what questions are in them. We recently did an assessment called the Mind Scan. This assessment revealed some alarming things about myself. Before you poo poo it and say those things are not accurate you must realize that this is a very good assessment. It is scientifically reliable and valid, not one from Redbook magazine or something. It showed that I am giving so much of myself that I am putting myself last. It showed I let people walk all over me. I was disappointed as these are two things I have really worked on for the last couple of years. After thinking about it and talking with the professor that means that I have made progress. The assessment would have looked even worse a couple of years ago. So I am rethinking my schedule. I am rethinking my boundaries with my children. I am evaluating how I see things. I think reflection is great. Who knew going to grad school for counseling would mean working so hard on myself?

I would like to add that in no way am I saying that I intend to start putting my needs about those of my family. I do believe in the old adage:

Jesus
Others &
You brings JOY.

I also believe that Jesus fed the 5,000 before he spoke to them. He healed many people physically to reach them spiritually. He said to love our neighbor as ourselves, not love our neighbor and let yourself go. We must look after ourselves spiritually, emotionally and physically in order to give to others. I hate to keep going back to the old horse analogy but my horse needs some rest, a soft blanket and some sweet hay! Then I am ready to work again serving in what ways I see.

RAD logic or lack there of

Bear: "I love you so much I would die for you mom. I would gladly give my life for you." (said very dramatically and when he was very angry with me.)

Me: " I want you to love me enough to be nice to me."

Bear: "Well that is too hard." (Said with all the emotion suddenly gone in a tone that said I was ridiculous.)

Plan B

Here is what you do with the inventory if you used it for your child. Look at the Unsolved Problems at the bottom and choose the one you would like to work on first. At our house I chose working on completing homework with Taz. He recommended picking one behavior and one child and use this until you can work Plan B well. There are 3 steps. They are Empathy, Define the Problem and Invitation.

Step One: Empathy

This is drilling to the bottom of the problem. It requires a calm, non confrontational conversation in which you are are trying to really see how the child sees this. You make a neutral statement such as "I noticed you are having trouble getting home work done.". Then an inquiry which is almost always "What's up?" As he begins to talk you repeat back to see if you understand. This is not the time to chew them out or tell them what you think. This is the time to gather information. Taz's concern seemed to be the amount of homework and that he would be stuck all evening with it.

Step Two: Define the Problem

Once you have let them really get to the bottom of it and have patiently listened and worked to help them feel really understood it is time to tell them what you would like to see happen. This starts with a phrase such as "Here's the thing..." or "My concern is..." They are much more likely to listen to your concern if you listened carefully to theirs. Our conversation went something like this. "My concern is we are not getting much time together because you have lost privileges for not completing your homework. I'd really like us to be able to do more things together."

Step Three: Invitation

This is time for both of you to sit and brain storm as many ideas as possible. Don't over react if some of their ideas are out there. Just come up with as many ideas as you can. The point here that whatever ideas you have MUST meet both your needs. Our ideas had to help Taz complete homework, not take the whole evening, and give him more time for family activities afterwards.

He came up with the idea of doing homework for one hour every night. I am not sure this is enough but it is more than he is doing. So this is how it closes. "OK. I'm willing to give that plan a try. We will have you do one hour of homework a night for a week and we will meet again next week to go over the plan and see how it has worked."

This plan is some work and some self control on moms part but I have found already that it is working well. He said not to be discouraged if you have to meet with the child a few times before you come up with a plan that works.

I think you can see that this helps teach some lagging skills: problem solving,cause and effect thinking and working together.

I hope it works for you! : ) More about this plan can be found in his books The Explosive Child and Lost at School. Also check out his websites: www.lostatschool.org or www.ccps.info

Collaborative Problem Solving

I went to a workshop today called Collaborative Problem Solving: Parenting, Teaching, and Treating Challenging Kids by Ross W. Green, PhD. With any of these workshops I think it is important to look for things you can put in your parenting tool box. This workshop was loaded with them. Ross Green is the author of Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them Information at about this book can also be found at http://www.lostatschool.org/ He also wrote The Explosive Child. I did not provide the link for this book because a new edition should be coming out soon which has more of the collaborative problem solving in it.

His belief is that kids do well if they can, if they can't we adults need to figure out what's getting in the way so we can help. He believes that challenging children are developmentally delayed and are lagging in some important skills and have unsolved problems. He provided a test he gave permission to copy:

ASSESSMENT OF LAGGING SKILLS AND UNSOLVED PROBLEMS (Rev. 12/5/08)
Child’s Name __________________________________________ Date __________________
LAGGING SKILLS
_____Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another (shifting cognitive set)
_____Difficulty doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order
_____Difficulty persisting on challenging or tedious tasks
_____Poor sense of time
_____Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously
_____Difficulty maintaining focus for goal-directed problem-solving
_____Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or consequences of actions (impulsive)
_____Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem
_____Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words
_____Difficulty understanding what is being said
_____Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally (separation of affect)
_____Chronic irritability and/or anxiety significantly impede capacity for problem-solving
_____Difficulty seeing the “grays”/concrete, literal, black-and-white, thinking
_____Difficulty deviating from rules, routine, original plan
_____Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, uncertainty, novelty
_____Difficulty shifting from original idea or solution/difficulty adapting to changes in plan or new rules
_____Difficulty taking into account situational factors that would suggest the need to adjust a plan of action
_____Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations/cognitive distortions or biases (e.g., “Everyone’s out to get me,”
“Nobody likes me,” “You always blame me, “It’s not fair,” “I’m stupid”)
_____Difficulty attending to or accurately interpreting social cues/poor perception of social nuances
_____Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, connecting with people/lacks other basic social skills
_____Difficulty seeking attention in appropriate ways
_____Difficulty appreciating how his/her behavior is affecting other people
_____Difficulty empathizing with others, appreciating another person’s perspective or point-of-view
_____Difficulty appreciating how s/he is coming across or being perceived by others
UNSOLVED PROBLEMS
HOME
_____ Waking up/getting out of bed in the morning
_____ Completing morning routine/getting ready for school
_____ Sensory hypersensitivities
_____ Starting or completing homework or a particular academic task
_____ Food quantities/choices/preferences/timing
_____ Time spent in front of a screen (TV, video games, computer)
_____ Going to/getting ready for bed at night
_____ Boredom
_____ Sibling interactions
_____ Cleaning room/completing household chores
_____ Taking medicine
_____ Riding in car/wearing seat belt
SCHOOL
_____ Shifting from one specific task to another (specify)
_____ Getting started on/completing class assignment (specify)
_____ Interactions with a particular classmate/teacher (specify)
_____ Behavior in hallway/at recess/in cafeteria/on school bus/waiting in line (specify)
_____ Talking at appropriate times
_____ Specific academic tasks/demands, e.g., writing assignments (specify)
_____ Handling disappointment/losing at a game/not coming in first/not being first in line (specify)
OTHERS (list)

Think about which lagging skills and unsolved problems your child may have. I'll write about the next step in my next post.

Ross Green

I'm off to the Ross Green workshop on Challenging Children! I'm excited!

Be good to your horse!

I heard on the radio the other day that we should think of our bodies as our horse. We all use our horse to do our work. Would we treat an actual horse the way we treat our bodies? Would we work our horse so hard, feed it the way we feed ourselves, and allow it to rest as we rest? We have to take care of it, as it is the only one we get. We need to be kind to it. Let is rest. Feed it food that will keep it strong. Put it out to pasture once in awhile. Today is my day out to pasture. Well, not a full day but I am working out this morning and then doing a few chores that must be done. I will head to class early so I can sit at Starbucks with a sugar free, skinny Caramel Macchiato.

I know. I know. Bad for the horse. I'm not talking about going on some vegetarian, carrot stick diet. I'm saying that there are days when we feed our emotions instead of just feeding our body. Its great to go out for a treat now and and then and sit in a big over stuffed chair and have some time alone. take care of your horse. Its the only one you've got. It will be happy.

Parenting Seminars coming up in Nebraska

The first is this Friday. I'm sorry for the late posting but hope anyone who wants to can still get in. The second is in March. Ross Greene and Bruce Perry are well known in their work with children. These should be great seminars. I'll report what I learn at both!


Child Guidance Center Presents
Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.
Collaborative Problem Solving:
Teaching, Parenting, and Treating Challenging Kids

Friday, February 20th 2009
Chez Hay Catering Banquet Hall
210 North 14th Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
ABOUT ROSS W. GREENE, PH.D.
Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., is the originator of the Collaborative Problem Solving approach and author of the recently released book, Lost At School: Why Our Most Vulnerable, At-Risk Kids Still Fall Through The Cracks and How We Can Help Them. He is also author of the highly acclaimed book, The Explosive Child, along with a third book, Treating Explosive Kids: The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach. Dr. Greene is Associate Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. His research has been funded by the Stanley Research Institute, the National Institutes of Mental Health, the U.S. Department of Education, and the Maine Juvenile Justice Advisory Group. He lectures widely throughout the world, and lives near Boston with his wife and two kids.
Dr. Greene will share his expertise on research in the neurosciences over the past 30 years. His Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) model posits that challenging behavior is a form of developmental delay and the byproduct of lagging cognitive skills in the global domains of flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving. CPS helps adults teach these lagging cognitive skills and help kids solve the problems precipitating their challenging behavior while reducing the frequency and intensity of challenging behaviors. The model, which represents a dramatic departure from conventional wisdom and practice, has been found to be highly effective in an array of settings, including families, general and special education schools, therapeutic group homes, and inpatient, residential, and juvenile detention facilities.
Participants in this workshop will leave with an understanding of the underpinnings of the CPS model and practical assessment and intervention tools that can be brought back to and used in these diverse settings.

Child Guidance Center is a nonprofit organization that provides mental health services to children, adolescents, and their families in Lincoln, NE. At least once per year, Child Guidance Center sponsors an educational workshop pertaining to children’s mental health issues, assessment, treatment and intervention strategies.
The intermediate-level of information provided at this training is relevant to the work of Psychologists, Mental Health Professionals, Counselors, Social Workers, Youth Treatment Specialists, Teachers, Probation Officers, Prosecutors, Attorneys, and other members of Health and Human Service agencies.


WORKSHOP SCHEDULE
CONFERENCE LOCATION Chez Hay Catering Banquet Hall 210 North 14th Street (14th & P St. - Above Noodles & Co.) Lincoln, Nebraska 68508 PARKING Parking will be the responsibility of workshop participants. There are several parking garages surrounding the venue. All day parking is $6.00. REGISTRATION
Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. Workshop
Collborative Problem Solving: Teaching, Parenting, and Treating Challenging Kids

8:00 - 8:30 a.m.
Registration
8:30 - 10:00 a.m.
First Segment Kids Do Well If They Can/ Your Explanation Guides Your Intervention Overview of Conventional Reward and Punishment Approaches A Different Explanation: Challenging Behavior as Developmental Delay Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems Setting the Stage for Challenging Behavior Basic Underpinning of the CPS Model
10:15 - 12:00 p.m.
Second Segment Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) Collaborative Problem Solving: Overview of General Model and The Plans
12:00 - 1:00 p.m.
Lunch (Meal Provided)
1:00 - 2:30 p.m.
Third Segment Q&A Specifics of Plan B
2:45 - 4:00 p.m.
Fourth Segment Q&A Practicing Plan B Special Topics


For questions regarding this workshop, contact Child Guidance Center at info@child-guidance.org (write “Ross Greene Workshop” in the subject line) or call 402-475-7666. Contact Persons: Dana Ludvik and Meghan Pease.

REGISTRATION FORM
Registration deadline: February 18th, 2009
Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. Workshop
Collborative Problem Solving: Teaching, Parenting, and Treating Challenging Kids

NAME & CREDENTIALS _________________________________________________________________________________
AGENCY/SCHOOL TITLE ________________________________________________________________________________
ADDRESS ___________________________________________________________________________________
CITY STATE ZIP ___________________________________________________________________________________
PHONE E-MAIL ___________________________________________________________________________________
Card# ___________________________________________________________________________________
Exp. Date VISA or Mastercard _____________________________________________________________________________
Name on Card AMOUNT ENCLOSED/TO BE CHARGED: $100.00 (Pre-registration rate up to Feb. 6th/Student Rate) $120.00 (Registration rate AFTER Feb. 6th)


And there is also this info for March:


Wednesday, March 11, 2009 On Trauma and Development
Qwest Center Omaha
9:00 - 11:00 Bruce Perry, MD, PhD, Morning Training
11:30 - 1:00 Antwone Fisher, Keynote Luncheon Speaker
1:30 - 3:30 Bruce Perry, MD, PhD, Afternoon Training
$25 per person • Lunch only
$50 per person • Lunch and Training
All proceeds benefit the children served by Project Harmony Child Protection Center
For more information, please visit www.projectharmony.com or call (402) 595-1326.

If any of you know of seminars in your state you would like for me to post please leave a comment any time and a link to the site.

Interrupting

Kids' who are RAD have poor impulse control. They tend to interrupt and interject in every conversation going on around them. Add back in the hypervigilence I spoke of yesterday and it makes a pretty bad combination. Not only is it annoying behavior at home, it does not help with peer relationships at all.

One tip is to have them raise their hand if you are involved in a conversation before they are allowed to speak. Or they can also put one hand on your arm. Practice this repeatedly. When they don't follow through they need more practice. It helps them to develop some self control and makes for a more harmony in the house! Have a healing day!

RAD fear

We went to Fish's swim meet today. He did well. He actually broke the conference record in the 500 yd freestyle. He can swim it in 4 minutes and something seconds. It literally would take me about 20 minutes. Oh well.

I woke up with a serious sinus headache this morning. I don't know if any of you have been to an indoor swim meet but it is hot, humid and loud. In between his events I told my husband I was going to go out for awhile. I walked through their high school cafeteria to a small eating room on the back, sat down in the corner with a bottle of Diet Coke and sat back and closed my eyes for awhile. I was in a very secluded spot. After about a half hour who should come walking in and looking around but Taz. He and Bear had been wandering through the school looking for me. I walked back to the swim meet and the lady in front of us said "they were so worried about where you were." The fear they have over my absence has always amazed me. I don't think I come close to understanding the level of fear in which they live. They so need comforting. They are 14 and 16. I hear the clock ticking for the time we have left with Bear. I hope he can find some calm and trust during the next couple of years. Prayer, empathy (understand they are so afraid), gentle touch and loving eyes. Look under the angry behaviors at the scared little child deep inside.

Snow Day

It is just beginning to snow but we already have a snow day. There is a monster snow storm headed our way. Snow days are a great attachment day! The kids are in a great mood and excited about going out in the snow. Sneaking in hot chocolate with marshmellows, making some popcorn and watching a funny video, looking through old photos, snuggling on the couch to read a book. These are all great ways to spend some time together on a surprise fun kind of day! If you are snowed in - HAVE FUN together! They may try to sabatoge but just devert your attention to those who are having fun. I'll take some photos later. This should be a pretty one.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I think a magazine uses that line. I don't remember which one. Yes. The above photo is me snorkeling. The photo didn't turn out quite how I had planned! It is easy to become so serious with RAD around the house. It is easy to become overwhelmed, frustrated and totally absorbed by it. DON'T DO IT! Take time to laugh. Whether at yourself, with your spouse or with friends it is important to find the laughter in your life.

The other night Taz and I were driving our hour drive home from counseling. He said one of his friends was thinking of becoming a chef.

Me:"That could be really interesting."

Taz: "yes. Probably at Runza" (Fast food place)

Me: (smiling on the inside) I think they just hire cooks.

Taz: "Oh Yeah. More like KFC."

Me: (nearly about to burst) "welllllll maybe a little fancier".

Taz: "Oh yeah. Village Inn. Yeah. Like Village Inn."

Me: (enjoying this conversation!) "Maybe more like that."

Find laughter in your day!

RADicators

Once your child starts making progress with Attachment if you watch closely there are little indications he is slipping. Look at the photo above. Taz is looking over his glasses. He is blind as a bat. When he looks over his glasses he cannot see you. It is a way of not making eye contact. When he is doing well he looks at you through the lenses so he can see you. I will walk in the morning and he will be asleep on the floor. I will start finding a lot of broken pencils. I touch his arm and instead of melting I feel his tension. He stops asking for bedtime hugs.

Of course there are bigger indicators of bigger problems such as grades slipping, increases in food hoarding, binging or refusing to eat, breaking of bigger objects and the defiance.

If we learn those little physical cues and indicators it is easier to get back on track. We immediately go back to EMDR therapy and go back to the therapeutic parenting behaviors: empathy,(we should always have that anyway) gentle touch, loving eyes, but also regressing a little in how we treat him. Go back to a little younger in our expectations and in our treatment of him. I'm not talking about infancy here but just a few years. It seems to give him security and bring him back out of it.

If your child is not to this point yet please be encouraged by those who are progressing. I love reading on your blogs about the progress many of you are making. It is so exciting and encouraging to me with Bear!! Having a healing day!

RAD Valentines!

You are safe.
You are loved.
You will always be loved.
I will never leave you.
I see great hope for your future.
I'm so glad I'm your mom.
You are a gift from God.
I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.
You are so handsome.
You are so smart.
You are sweet.

All these are affirmations our children need to hear. They feel so bad about themselves. How bad does a child have to be to have a mom not want them? Not feed them? It is not their fault. SHE had the problems she did not deal with.

For Valentine's I am making each of my kids a little book. Nothing fancy. It will have an acrostic on the front of their name simialr to this:

Terrific
Amiable
Zesty

On the inside it will say Why I love you and then all the pages will tell why. Give some special love on Valentine's Day. Don't expect anything in return. Just give it because it is from your heart.

I'm trying

I believe that Bear really does believe in his mind that he is trying. He believes he loves his family very much. He believes that if there is any problem we are the ones who have it. Part of Attachment Therapy is working on these faulty beliefs and developing healthy ones. He hasn't even begun to grasp the concept of what he needs to change at this point. Part of this is due to other diagnosis which really do interfere.

Bear: I'm trying to show love Mom.

Me: Good. Tell me one of the things you have done to show love?

Bear: There are so many I can't name them all. You just confuse me when you start asking a bunch of questions.

Me:Here are some things I have done to show love: I played a game with you. I took you to the Y to work out with me (he likes the opportunity to flex muscles at 16) , I baked you some cookies, I emailed your teacher to find out what we can do to help with your grades.

Bear: Well I have done WAY more than that.

Me: Bear, you love with unhealthy love. It worries about getting its fair share. It doesn't trust. It dwells on bad things from the past. Watch me and how I love our family so you can learn healthy love.

Obviously there is no easy answer with RAD. I do believe Bear loves as best he can at the moment. We have to hope that if we keep nurturing, using love & logic parenting, and praying that little by little they are going to get the hang of this love thing. Have a healing day.

Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

The RAD secret code

I don't know if you've ever noticed but kids with RAD like to do annoying behaviors over and over. Taz likes to tap his pen or pencil on the table repeatedly. He did it so much at a swim meet today that Bear grabbed the pencil and snapped it. He is doing homework and decided to tap tap tap the pen.

"Taz stop tapping your pen."

tap tap tap tap

That is the secret code that you need to do 15 jumping jacks (read: jump on mini tramp, snuggle, whatever works for you)

I told him to let me know if he wants to do any more jumping jacks by doing the secret code. Funny. He hasn't done it again.

Why do I do this?

In church Sunday a woman walking down the aisle dropped her bulletin. Bear saw it and ran and picked it up and handed it to her. The lady in front of me turned around and said "that was nice." I felt myself bristle and said "He is nice to people who are not in his family." They looked completely shocked and turned around.....

WHY on earth would I say such a thing?????????? I was so disappointed in myself. It was a nice thing to do. I tend to read things into his actions and see them all as manipulation. Sure some of his actions are manipulative but not every one.

When I see those positive behaviors I should praise them and make note of them. Those are the behaviors I want to see more of. When they do anything positive toward me I need to view it as sincere and at least an effort, even if awkward, and reward the effort. This is a constant battle for me. . . not to read into his actions.

Anyone else have this problem?

The Explosive Child

This is for those who may be searching. The Googlers out there looking for answers. I don't have all the answers but maybe I can help aim you in the right direction. Maybe. I am not a Psychologist so I cannot diagnose. I can describe what our children were like and you can decide for yourself.

When our children came Bear was quiet, developmentally delayed, lying, sneaky and....6.

Bear was wild, uncontrollable, angry, extremely affectionate to strangers and ....3.

I did a variety of attachment parenting behaviors I read in the Nancy Thomas books. Thank goodness for that woman. If I had not done those things from the get go I don't know where I'd be now.

As Bear has grown his behaviors and actions stayed at about age 4. They may have moved up to about 6 now. I'm talking about his lack of common sense, lack of reason, logic. The things he says. I hope this doesn't sound mean. I am trying to be honest so I can help other hurting moms. I was a hurting mom.

Taz became increasingly explosive, defiant, destructive. By second grade he was frightening. During this time we took them to a variety of therapists, psychologist and doctors. We tried herbals, we tried every medication and nothing seemed to make a difference in their behavior. We prayed over their behavior and asked others to do the same. We would wake up at night to the sounds of Taz kicking his furniture apart or tearing the woodwork from his walls. He completely demolished his room. We took everything out but the bead. He tore down the rods and shelves in his closet. We put the clothes in laundry baskets which he destroyed. The therapists said we were good parents, they would come around, be more positive, be more strict, do sticker charts, establish reward systems (I am a positive parent and my kids are rewarded). Set boundaries (We have more boundaries than Cuba) . Nothing made a difference. The last one told me to put them in after school care so I could get away from them. Yeah. That's helpful.

We finally found an attachment therapist who described their behaviors to a T over the phone too me. That was the beginning of change. It was the beginning of change in me and the beginning of change in Taz. It also has given Bear an understanding of himself. He knows in his head what has happened and why he has these feelings. He has not acted on it yet. I don't know if he will.

If your child is having explosive behavior and no medication has helped. If he has been diagnosed bipolar, ADHD, ODD or intermittent explosive disorder and they had early childhood trauma you may want to have them seen by an Attachment Therapist for an assessment. The disorders have such overlapping symptoms that it is difficult for a mama to diagnose. There is hope. Never, never, never quit.

RAD lures

A fisherman often uses a lure to catch a fish. Sometimes they use fresh bait. The more the lure looks like something the fish likes to eat, the more likely the fish is going to try to eat it.

There are several things that lure or bait us moms into ineffective parenting. Here are the ones that I fight often.

Control: I can't let a situation go because I want to assure myself I am still in control in my home.

Winning: I argue to win.

Fatigue: I allow myself to get so tired I become unreasonable and irrational.

Future: I start fearing my child's future and think I have to stop this NOW.

Personalization: I take my child's actions, which are not about me and make them about me.

Temper: I lose it and scream things that will set the healing process back and damage further the relationship between my child and myself. I do not believe this means the child should never know how their behavior makes me feel and that I should walk around with a big fake smile on my face. There is a line we cannot cross and I think we all know when we crossed it.

Fear: Most of these issues are driven by some sort of fear.

So how do I avoid getting lured in? When I am really in control it shows by my ability to control myself, not my child. I believe the best way for them to learn is to allow the natural consequences. Let them go without a coat (If they are at least school age) and find out they will be cold. Say, "Sure you can go without your coat. You are old enough to decide. I am choosing to wear one. " and let it go. Remember that I don't have to win. I need to teach my child what love looks like. Yes. I do believe in discipline. It can be given lovingly and fairly. Fatigue does not lead to good parenting. Take care of yourself. Give yourself the spiritual, emotional, and physical rest and care you need. The future can be very scary for the mom of a child with RAD. Give it to God. Don't dwell in it. Take care of today. Do not take your child's behavior personally. You represent motherhood. Past mom's especially birth mom have left them with issues that are being transferred to you. Those issues need to be dealt with. The best way to deal with them is to 1) take them to attachment therapy and EMDR therapy 2)educate yourself through books, seminars and websites that are reliable. I recommend some of each at the right. 3) gain support for yourself through therapy, church, family and friends. Take a break from those who are not supporting you. 4) Take care of your relationship with your spouse and emotionally healthy children. Focus on them at least as much, more on your spouse, then you do on the child with RAD. 5) take care of yourself 6) Never, never, never quit.

This week I will work on avoiding those lures! Even better, I will purposely use the behaviors I know keep me emotionally healthy so I can help my child be emotionally healthy.