Thursday, February 5, 2009

Why do I do this?

In church Sunday a woman walking down the aisle dropped her bulletin. Bear saw it and ran and picked it up and handed it to her. The lady in front of me turned around and said "that was nice." I felt myself bristle and said "He is nice to people who are not in his family." They looked completely shocked and turned around.....

WHY on earth would I say such a thing?????????? I was so disappointed in myself. It was a nice thing to do. I tend to read things into his actions and see them all as manipulation. Sure some of his actions are manipulative but not every one.

When I see those positive behaviors I should praise them and make note of them. Those are the behaviors I want to see more of. When they do anything positive toward me I need to view it as sincere and at least an effort, even if awkward, and reward the effort. This is a constant battle for me. . . not to read into his actions.

Anyone else have this problem?

9 comments:

Christine said...

YES! YES, YES, YES, YES! This is particularly true with my child that is disinhibited.

The other day this child made the comment that they are starting to really like being around their youngest sister. My first thought, "WHAAAAAAAAAAATever. What are you up to?"

I have yet to find the balance. I just try not to vocalize what I'm feeling, so that I can just deal with it internally. Then, if it really was genuine in the moment, it can just be what it is.

Easier said than done.

Let me know when you figure this one out, oh wise one!

waldenbunch said...

You're preaching to the choir! Having RADishes that are passive aggressive makes me question EVERYTHING they do, looking for motive and manipulation. I think we feel this way because no one else understands the struggle and pain we go through every day. And when they do nice things for other people it just makes us madder!

Brie said...

YES! It is so hard not to see everything they do as a manipulation. I can't count how many times I have made a remark like that to family/friends/strangers. It's so frustrating, and I'm upset when I do it. Yet, I think it's my way of reminding people what we struggle with, and that she is not so sweet and kind at home.

ali said...

of course i do, at times. in fact, i'm a complete bitch right to his face now & again. at other times he makes me proud with his behavior and i say the right thing. depends. we arent perfect right?

Brenda said...

Thanks for all the input. I guess what bothers me is that I push the kids to be loyal to family in front of others. All for one and one for all. So when I don't do it I feel really bad. Just have to keep on keeping on.

truevyne said...

There is no way to parent a child with RAD without feeling this. Our prayer is that God would heal them and prove our thoughts wrong.

Tami Boesiger said...

So you've been hanging on to this since Sunday?!

Did Bear hear you? If so, admit your guilt, ask his forgiveness and move on. If not, admit your guilt, ask God's forgiveness, forgive yourself, and try again next time.

You are a GOOD mother, Brenda. Nobody is on all the time.

Melanie said...

Thanks for posting this. I am the mother to a six year old with RAD. I find myself saying or at least thinking things that are similar. Everyone thinks my son is adorable and well mannered and they often comment on it. For the most part in public he is well mannered. He is not at home or to me. I often feel frustrated with how manipulative this feels. And then I feel guilty for looking at him with such negativity. I am glad to have found your blog. Melanie

familygregg said...

yup