My sister in law sent me this today with some other cute cat pictures. It is perfect for the child with RAD. Only they CAN look very scary. This is what is inside though. Treat the kitten, not the tiger.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child
Association for Treatment and Training
In the Attachment of Children and Present Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child Featuring: Ira Chasnoff, MD Janice Goldwater LCSW-C
Juli Alvarado, LPC, NCC
and Lori Thomas Saturday, April 30, 2011
In Fairfax, Virginia For Parents and Professionals Fairfax County Government Center Bldg.
Conference Center 12000 Government Center Parkway
Fairfax, VA 22035 Location
Intended Audience Intended Audience: Foster and adoptive parents, parents of children with attachment problems, case workers, therapists, teachers and other professionals. Directions & Exhibits Directions
Exhibit tables can be found at www.fairfaxcounty.gov/maps/county/government-center.html will be available on a limited basis for non-profit organizations. The cost is $10 per table. Please call ATTACh at 847-356-3506 to reserve your space. Fee and Registration The registration fee is $35.00. If you would like CE credits through Psychoeducational Resources, the fee for CE’s is an additional $25. Go to www.attach.org/2011spring to register online or mail the registration to ATTACh, P.O. Box 533, Lake Villa, IL 60046. Please remit payment with registration by April 15, 2011. Agenda 8:30 AM - 8:45 AM Registration & Continental Breakfast
8:45 AM - 11:45 AM General Session Ira Chasnoff, M.D. 3 CE Credits
Introductory
The Mystery of Risk: Understanding the Drug-Exposed Child and Issues of Attachment Children prenatally exposed to maternal substances of abuse make up an ever-growing portion of the United States' population of children. The most recent data from the National Institute on Drug Abuse suggest that over 1 million children per year are exposed to alcohol and illicit substances during gestation. The health consequences for these children are enormous, but the implications for behavior, learning, and attachment are even greater. This session will explore the biological and environmental factors that impact the ultimate development and behavior of alcohol- and drug-exposed children. The information will form the basis for the formulation of treatment strategies and approaches. At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) List five complications for the newborn related to maternal drug and alcohol use;
2) Name the three diagnostic criteria of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; and,
3) Analyze the cognitive and behavioral development of children prenatally exposed to alcohol and other drugs, especially as related to attachment. 11:45AM - 1:00 PM Lunch Break *A list of Restaurants will be provided. Breakout Session #1 1:00 PM - 4:00 Ira Chasnoff, M.D. Intro. 3 CE Credits The Mystery of Risk: Treatment Strategies for the
Drug-Exposed Child Children prenatally exposed to alcohol and other drugs present with multiple risk factors, making the development of a treatment plan quite difficult. This workshop will present the core components of a model of treatment that parents and professionals should consider when addressing the needs of the substance exposed child. The workshop will explore evidence-based therapies that have been shown to work as well as provide attendees with strategies they can use in the home and the school. At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) Describe the important components of treatment that should be addressed for substance exposed children;
2) Discuss neurocognitive functioning as related to treatment strategies; and,
3) Utilize an interactive behavior management system for children with prenatal substance exposure. Breakout Session #2 1:00 PM - 4:00 Juli Alvarado, LPC, NCC, Lori Thomas & Janice Goldwater, LCSW-C No CE’s We Are Your Partners, We Hear Your Cry Lunch Break Parenting a child with prenatal exposures can be very challenging even for the most seasoned of parents. The first step is to develop an un-derstanding of the physiological effects of exposure on the brain/body to translate why children act the way they do. With this under-standing we will provide a relationship based model to help parents with strategies that enhance attachment and deepen effective parenting. This portion of the workshop will be experiential and provide both practical strategies as well as insight oriented activities. Agenda (CONTINUED) At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) Utilize three key strategies at home for relating to and motivating a child;
2) Utilize three key strategies for staying emotionally regulated while parenting; and,
3) Establish connections to a supportive network. About Dr. Chasnoff Ira Chasnoff, MD, serves as the Presi-dent of the Children's Research Triangle, and a Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Illinois College of Medi-cine in Chicago. Expertise:
Participants will come away with a new understanding of the effects of drugs and alcohol on the developing brain and its relationship to behaviors exhibited by children. In addition, participants will gain tools to use at home, in therapy and at school to remediate behaviors that are caused by pre-natal exposure. Dr. Chasnoff is one of the na-tion's leading researchers in the field of maternal drug use during pregnancy and its effects on the newborn infant and child. He is the author of five books and numerous articles on the effects of drug use on pregnancy, and on the long-term cognitive, behavioral, and learning out-comes of prenatally exposed children. Cancellation Policy Cancellations must be received by April 22, 2011 to receive a refund. A $5 handling fee will be deducted from the refund. No refunds will be made for cancellations received after April 22, 2011. Grievances, issues or concerns regarding the conference or registration should be addressed in writing and submitted via e-mail to questions@attach.org. Name _____________________________________________
Name #2 _________________________________________
Address __________________________________________
City _____________________ State _____ Zip _________
Home Phone Daytime Phone
_________________________ _________________________
Agency/Organization (If applicable.)
____________________________________________________
Email Address (mandatory)
____________________________________________________
Special Accommodations (ADA)
____________________________________________________
The registration fee for this conference is $35 per person. # of People ________x $35 = $ __________ CE Credits ___________x $25 = $ __________ Total Due $ __________ Enclose money order or check payable to ATTACh or provide credit card information.
Method of Payment:
Check/Check# _____________
Exp. Date __________ V-Code __________
Credit Card # ____________________________________
Signature ________________________________________ Visa Mastercard Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child Continuing Education Credit Information Continuing Education (CE) credits for mental health professionals are being offered through PsychoEducational Resources, Inc. (PER). Participants may earn up to 6 CE credits.
PER is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
PER is an NBCC Approved Continuing Education Provider (ACEP) and a co-sponsor of this program. PER may award NBCC approved clock hours for programs that meet NBCC requirements (Approval # 5536). Please check with your state counseling board to see if they accept the NBCC providership.
PER is approved as a provider for continuing education by the Association of Social Work Boards, 400 South Ridge
Parkway, Suite B, Culpepper, VA 22701. www.aswb.org. ASWB Approval Period: 4/15/09 - 4/15/12. Social workers
should contact their regulatory board to determine course approval. The following recognize the ASWB program: AK, AL, AZ, CT, DC, DE, GA, ID, IN, IA, KY, MA, MD, MI, MO, MS, MT, NM, NC, ND, NJ, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, TN, TX, UT, VA, VI, VT, WA, WI, and WY.
PER is also an approved provider with a variety of individual state social work boards which include: the Florida Board of Licensed Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Mental Health Counseling (CE Provider Tracking #50-1657, Board Provider #351, exp. 03/31/11), the Illinois Social Work Board (159-000505), the Iowa Board of Social Work (#153), the Maryland State Board of Social Work, the Ohio Social Work Board (RSX-019601), and the Texas Board of Social Work (CS 1596).
Course meets the qualifications for continuing education credit for MFTs and/or LCSWs as required by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences (Provider #PCE 203).
PER is an approved provider with the Illinois Marriage and Family Therapist Board (#168-000125)
PER is an approved Counselor (RCX-129413) provider with the Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage and Family Therapist Board.
PER is approved as a Continuing Education Provider by the National Association of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse
Counselors (NAADAC) Provider #374 (exp. September 30, 2011). The individual sessions in this conference cover the following counselor skill groups: clinical assessment, ongoing treatment planning, counseling services, and legal, ethical and professional growth.
PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
For additional CE information please call PER at 800-892-9249 or e-mail support@per-ce.net.
To receive CE Certification you must complete the conference evaluation, an evaluation for each session you attend, the CE Request Form, and sign in and out of each session attended. CE Certification will be mailed to you approxi-mately 4-6 weeks from the conclusion of the conference.
In the Attachment of Children and Present Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child Featuring: Ira Chasnoff, MD Janice Goldwater LCSW-C
Juli Alvarado, LPC, NCC
and Lori Thomas Saturday, April 30, 2011
In Fairfax, Virginia For Parents and Professionals Fairfax County Government Center Bldg.
Conference Center 12000 Government Center Parkway
Fairfax, VA 22035 Location
Intended Audience Intended Audience: Foster and adoptive parents, parents of children with attachment problems, case workers, therapists, teachers and other professionals. Directions & Exhibits Directions
Exhibit tables can be found at www.fairfaxcounty.gov/maps/county/government-center.html will be available on a limited basis for non-profit organizations. The cost is $10 per table. Please call ATTACh at 847-356-3506 to reserve your space. Fee and Registration The registration fee is $35.00. If you would like CE credits through Psychoeducational Resources, the fee for CE’s is an additional $25. Go to www.attach.org/2011spring to register online or mail the registration to ATTACh, P.O. Box 533, Lake Villa, IL 60046. Please remit payment with registration by April 15, 2011. Agenda 8:30 AM - 8:45 AM Registration & Continental Breakfast
8:45 AM - 11:45 AM General Session Ira Chasnoff, M.D. 3 CE Credits
Introductory
The Mystery of Risk: Understanding the Drug-Exposed Child and Issues of Attachment Children prenatally exposed to maternal substances of abuse make up an ever-growing portion of the United States' population of children. The most recent data from the National Institute on Drug Abuse suggest that over 1 million children per year are exposed to alcohol and illicit substances during gestation. The health consequences for these children are enormous, but the implications for behavior, learning, and attachment are even greater. This session will explore the biological and environmental factors that impact the ultimate development and behavior of alcohol- and drug-exposed children. The information will form the basis for the formulation of treatment strategies and approaches. At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) List five complications for the newborn related to maternal drug and alcohol use;
2) Name the three diagnostic criteria of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; and,
3) Analyze the cognitive and behavioral development of children prenatally exposed to alcohol and other drugs, especially as related to attachment. 11:45AM - 1:00 PM Lunch Break *A list of Restaurants will be provided. Breakout Session #1 1:00 PM - 4:00 Ira Chasnoff, M.D. Intro. 3 CE Credits The Mystery of Risk: Treatment Strategies for the
Drug-Exposed Child Children prenatally exposed to alcohol and other drugs present with multiple risk factors, making the development of a treatment plan quite difficult. This workshop will present the core components of a model of treatment that parents and professionals should consider when addressing the needs of the substance exposed child. The workshop will explore evidence-based therapies that have been shown to work as well as provide attendees with strategies they can use in the home and the school. At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) Describe the important components of treatment that should be addressed for substance exposed children;
2) Discuss neurocognitive functioning as related to treatment strategies; and,
3) Utilize an interactive behavior management system for children with prenatal substance exposure. Breakout Session #2 1:00 PM - 4:00 Juli Alvarado, LPC, NCC, Lori Thomas & Janice Goldwater, LCSW-C No CE’s We Are Your Partners, We Hear Your Cry Lunch Break Parenting a child with prenatal exposures can be very challenging even for the most seasoned of parents. The first step is to develop an un-derstanding of the physiological effects of exposure on the brain/body to translate why children act the way they do. With this under-standing we will provide a relationship based model to help parents with strategies that enhance attachment and deepen effective parenting. This portion of the workshop will be experiential and provide both practical strategies as well as insight oriented activities. Agenda (CONTINUED) At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) Utilize three key strategies at home for relating to and motivating a child;
2) Utilize three key strategies for staying emotionally regulated while parenting; and,
3) Establish connections to a supportive network. About Dr. Chasnoff Ira Chasnoff, MD, serves as the Presi-dent of the Children's Research Triangle, and a Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Illinois College of Medi-cine in Chicago. Expertise:
Participants will come away with a new understanding of the effects of drugs and alcohol on the developing brain and its relationship to behaviors exhibited by children. In addition, participants will gain tools to use at home, in therapy and at school to remediate behaviors that are caused by pre-natal exposure. Dr. Chasnoff is one of the na-tion's leading researchers in the field of maternal drug use during pregnancy and its effects on the newborn infant and child. He is the author of five books and numerous articles on the effects of drug use on pregnancy, and on the long-term cognitive, behavioral, and learning out-comes of prenatally exposed children. Cancellation Policy Cancellations must be received by April 22, 2011 to receive a refund. A $5 handling fee will be deducted from the refund. No refunds will be made for cancellations received after April 22, 2011. Grievances, issues or concerns regarding the conference or registration should be addressed in writing and submitted via e-mail to questions@attach.org. Name _____________________________________________
Name #2 _________________________________________
Address __________________________________________
City _____________________ State _____ Zip _________
Home Phone Daytime Phone
_________________________ _________________________
Agency/Organization (If applicable.)
____________________________________________________
Email Address (mandatory)
____________________________________________________
Special Accommodations (ADA)
____________________________________________________
The registration fee for this conference is $35 per person. # of People ________x $35 = $ __________ CE Credits ___________x $25 = $ __________ Total Due $ __________ Enclose money order or check payable to ATTACh or provide credit card information.
Method of Payment:
Check/Check# _____________
Exp. Date __________ V-Code __________
Credit Card # ____________________________________
Signature ________________________________________ Visa Mastercard Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child Continuing Education Credit Information Continuing Education (CE) credits for mental health professionals are being offered through PsychoEducational Resources, Inc. (PER). Participants may earn up to 6 CE credits.
PER is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
PER is an NBCC Approved Continuing Education Provider (ACEP) and a co-sponsor of this program. PER may award NBCC approved clock hours for programs that meet NBCC requirements (Approval # 5536). Please check with your state counseling board to see if they accept the NBCC providership.
PER is approved as a provider for continuing education by the Association of Social Work Boards, 400 South Ridge
Parkway, Suite B, Culpepper, VA 22701. www.aswb.org. ASWB Approval Period: 4/15/09 - 4/15/12. Social workers
should contact their regulatory board to determine course approval. The following recognize the ASWB program: AK, AL, AZ, CT, DC, DE, GA, ID, IN, IA, KY, MA, MD, MI, MO, MS, MT, NM, NC, ND, NJ, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, TN, TX, UT, VA, VI, VT, WA, WI, and WY.
PER is also an approved provider with a variety of individual state social work boards which include: the Florida Board of Licensed Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Mental Health Counseling (CE Provider Tracking #50-1657, Board Provider #351, exp. 03/31/11), the Illinois Social Work Board (159-000505), the Iowa Board of Social Work (#153), the Maryland State Board of Social Work, the Ohio Social Work Board (RSX-019601), and the Texas Board of Social Work (CS 1596).
Course meets the qualifications for continuing education credit for MFTs and/or LCSWs as required by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences (Provider #PCE 203).
PER is an approved provider with the Illinois Marriage and Family Therapist Board (#168-000125)
PER is an approved Counselor (RCX-129413) provider with the Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage and Family Therapist Board.
PER is approved as a Continuing Education Provider by the National Association of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse
Counselors (NAADAC) Provider #374 (exp. September 30, 2011). The individual sessions in this conference cover the following counselor skill groups: clinical assessment, ongoing treatment planning, counseling services, and legal, ethical and professional growth.
PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
For additional CE information please call PER at 800-892-9249 or e-mail support@per-ce.net.
To receive CE Certification you must complete the conference evaluation, an evaluation for each session you attend, the CE Request Form, and sign in and out of each session attended. CE Certification will be mailed to you approxi-mately 4-6 weeks from the conclusion of the conference.
Friday, January 28, 2011
What they say is not necessarily what they feel
My boys have made some pretty bold statements over the years. Those statements used to scare me. Until I heard of the Little Boy in the Monster Suit. Now, if I can keep myself calm enough to think (regulated- sorry Alison), I can think of what lies beneath the statement. That scared little guy that is trying to convince himself and the rest of the world that his words are true.
Yesterday our old cat, Lucky, died. She was 14.
Our oldest daughter, Eagle, and I were out walking one day, when Eagle, who is now 25 and a married woman, was in 5th grade. We found this tiny kitten, probably only a month old cowering under an evergreen to avoid a lawn sprinkler. Her eyes were stuck shut. She obviously belonged to no one. She spent her first few week curled under my chin as she healed and became strong. She had a good life and was a quiet happy cat. Since we moved to our new home in May she had decided to stay in the basement and hang out. Partly due to her round girlish figure, partly, I suppose because she felt safer down there. She still always purred at the sound of my voice. In our old home I'd go in the bathroom and hear purring. She was sleeping in the cupboard on the towels and was just happy I'd come into the room. Rest in Peace Lucky.
The look of great sadness on Teddy's eyes was quiet genuine as I told him of her passing. Taz, on the hand said "Well she was old." My husband put her in a bag to prepare for burial. Taz volunteered to carry her out. I couldn't even look. Taz was very callous and said "Well she was old and she is just an animal." At first I was alarmed. This morning as I chose the spot to bury her and said we need to wait today for the sun to warm the ground enough to dig, Taz volunteered to go out and move the bag to where it needed to be.I looked out. He was obviously struggling emotionally with this job and my heart hurt as I realized I needed to be more careful with him. We will bury her this afternoon and have a little service. It is hard to lose a pet, even when they are old.
Instead of listening to the first thing out of our kids mouths, we need to watch there actions. Are their words overly callous, overly bold? That is a good indication something else is up. Be careful with their healing hearts.
Have a healing day!
Yesterday our old cat, Lucky, died. She was 14.
Our oldest daughter, Eagle, and I were out walking one day, when Eagle, who is now 25 and a married woman, was in 5th grade. We found this tiny kitten, probably only a month old cowering under an evergreen to avoid a lawn sprinkler. Her eyes were stuck shut. She obviously belonged to no one. She spent her first few week curled under my chin as she healed and became strong. She had a good life and was a quiet happy cat. Since we moved to our new home in May she had decided to stay in the basement and hang out. Partly due to her round girlish figure, partly, I suppose because she felt safer down there. She still always purred at the sound of my voice. In our old home I'd go in the bathroom and hear purring. She was sleeping in the cupboard on the towels and was just happy I'd come into the room. Rest in Peace Lucky.
The look of great sadness on Teddy's eyes was quiet genuine as I told him of her passing. Taz, on the hand said "Well she was old." My husband put her in a bag to prepare for burial. Taz volunteered to carry her out. I couldn't even look. Taz was very callous and said "Well she was old and she is just an animal." At first I was alarmed. This morning as I chose the spot to bury her and said we need to wait today for the sun to warm the ground enough to dig, Taz volunteered to go out and move the bag to where it needed to be.I looked out. He was obviously struggling emotionally with this job and my heart hurt as I realized I needed to be more careful with him. We will bury her this afternoon and have a little service. It is hard to lose a pet, even when they are old.
Instead of listening to the first thing out of our kids mouths, we need to watch there actions. Are their words overly callous, overly bold? That is a good indication something else is up. Be careful with their healing hearts.
Have a healing day!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Are we having fun yet?
Just went over to visit Christine's place and saw an excellent post on having fun, one of my favorite topics. There is the coolest video on her post today so if you want a little smile take the time to watch it.
Fun can disappear when we let stress take over. Please don't let that happen in your house hold. Put the fun back in your day every day.
Get out the coloring books and color with your kids. Watch a funny movie. Go roller skating or ice skating. Blow bubbles.
Remember when you and your spouse were dating? Remember how much fun you had? Go to some of those types of places again. Go dancing, double date.
I don't know if any of you have ever done the personality test by Gary Smalley but it has a FREE assessment on the site. I am an Otter/Golden Retriever. Having fun is ESSENTIAL to my happiness and well being daily. Not once a week, but every day I try to make sure I do something fun. I am so much less stressed and happy when I do. It is the way I'm wired. So get out there: Build a snow man, eat a snow cone, throw a snowball. DO SOMETHING GOOFY!
And then have a healing evening! : )
Fun can disappear when we let stress take over. Please don't let that happen in your house hold. Put the fun back in your day every day.
Get out the coloring books and color with your kids. Watch a funny movie. Go roller skating or ice skating. Blow bubbles.
Remember when you and your spouse were dating? Remember how much fun you had? Go to some of those types of places again. Go dancing, double date.
I don't know if any of you have ever done the personality test by Gary Smalley but it has a FREE assessment on the site. I am an Otter/Golden Retriever. Having fun is ESSENTIAL to my happiness and well being daily. Not once a week, but every day I try to make sure I do something fun. I am so much less stressed and happy when I do. It is the way I'm wired. So get out there: Build a snow man, eat a snow cone, throw a snowball. DO SOMETHING GOOFY!
And then have a healing evening! : )
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Why should I focus on the cause rather than the symptoms?
I remember when I first entered into this world of attachment and trauma therapy I was so excited to be finally receiving some answers. But I did have a few questions...What about discipline? What about consequences? It is all confusing. They don't work and how is my child going to learn right from wrong? Are they going to end up in jail?
The answer lies in a couple of paradigms.
One: Focus on the cause, not the symptom. When your child is acting out, first stop yourself and think about what might be driving the behavior and talk about that.
Example: Let's suppose you found a huge wad of ice cream wrappers under your child's bed and know that your child was up in the night and ate an entire box of ice cream bars in one sitting. This has become a problem because your child is refusing all meals and then sneaking junk in between. Is this a made up scenario. No. : )
Mom: "Taz it must bring up a lot of big feelings when you want to go get that food. I know sometimes you didn't get food you wanted when you were little."
Taz " I was hungry."
Mom "I'm sure you were. And being hungry brings up some fears of not getting food. I will always make sure you will get enough to eat. In fact, I want you to be so sure of that, that I have filled this goody bag of food, packed full of yummy food and love. You can keep this in your room and whenever you get hungry you will always have something to eat. Now the other kids don't have this bag, because they are not worried and know we have food. Let me know when you don't think you need it any more."
Pack this bag with things that are good but have some nutritional value such a granola bars, cereal bars, protein bars.
BUT, what about the ice cream bars?
"Now Taz, you know you can have ice cream here. In fact, that is why I buy the ice cream, is for snacks. But I have a couple of things on my mind. I am wondering about the other kids and I'm wondering if they might want snacks too. What do you think? "
Taz" They are not as hungry as me."
Me: "I know sometimes it does feel like that. But what can we do to make sure it is fair? They don't have any snacks now for this week. What do you think would make it fair?"
Taz " I don't know."
Me. "Should we ask them?"
Taz " NO. I could do a chore of theirs. Or make some cookies."
Me: "Great idea. You run and do one of their chores and I'll get the stuff out so we can make them some cookies. Won't they be surprised?"
Consequence. Not a punishment. The purpose of a consequence is to teach and to guide, not to punish. I am a big believer in Love & Logic. One of our boys asked if they could paint their bike last summer. I told him that it really wouldn't turn out well. He snuck out and did it anyway. His bike looks BAD!!! He lied and said "When I came out of the Y someone had painted it." Bummer. "Well Taz, I'm sorry your don't feel safe telling me what happened, but you know what. What you just did to yourself is bigger than any consequence I would have done. I'm sorry your bike looks like that." (Don't spend a bunch of time trying to get him to confess. Won't work!) He had even done it with the bike laying in the grass and left it there to dry so it has these nasty long drip lines hanging off one side. Poor bike.
Hang in there. It is a tough job. There are no easy answers, but there is healing.
Never, never ,never quit.
PS Just found this at Christine's place. It is so fitting to today I had to include it.
This article is found at House Calls Counseling. Very fitting.
The answer lies in a couple of paradigms.
One: Focus on the cause, not the symptom. When your child is acting out, first stop yourself and think about what might be driving the behavior and talk about that.
Example: Let's suppose you found a huge wad of ice cream wrappers under your child's bed and know that your child was up in the night and ate an entire box of ice cream bars in one sitting. This has become a problem because your child is refusing all meals and then sneaking junk in between. Is this a made up scenario. No. : )
Mom: "Taz it must bring up a lot of big feelings when you want to go get that food. I know sometimes you didn't get food you wanted when you were little."
Taz " I was hungry."
Mom "I'm sure you were. And being hungry brings up some fears of not getting food. I will always make sure you will get enough to eat. In fact, I want you to be so sure of that, that I have filled this goody bag of food, packed full of yummy food and love. You can keep this in your room and whenever you get hungry you will always have something to eat. Now the other kids don't have this bag, because they are not worried and know we have food. Let me know when you don't think you need it any more."
Pack this bag with things that are good but have some nutritional value such a granola bars, cereal bars, protein bars.
BUT, what about the ice cream bars?
"Now Taz, you know you can have ice cream here. In fact, that is why I buy the ice cream, is for snacks. But I have a couple of things on my mind. I am wondering about the other kids and I'm wondering if they might want snacks too. What do you think? "
Taz" They are not as hungry as me."
Me: "I know sometimes it does feel like that. But what can we do to make sure it is fair? They don't have any snacks now for this week. What do you think would make it fair?"
Taz " I don't know."
Me. "Should we ask them?"
Taz " NO. I could do a chore of theirs. Or make some cookies."
Me: "Great idea. You run and do one of their chores and I'll get the stuff out so we can make them some cookies. Won't they be surprised?"
Consequence. Not a punishment. The purpose of a consequence is to teach and to guide, not to punish. I am a big believer in Love & Logic. One of our boys asked if they could paint their bike last summer. I told him that it really wouldn't turn out well. He snuck out and did it anyway. His bike looks BAD!!! He lied and said "When I came out of the Y someone had painted it." Bummer. "Well Taz, I'm sorry your don't feel safe telling me what happened, but you know what. What you just did to yourself is bigger than any consequence I would have done. I'm sorry your bike looks like that." (Don't spend a bunch of time trying to get him to confess. Won't work!) He had even done it with the bike laying in the grass and left it there to dry so it has these nasty long drip lines hanging off one side. Poor bike.
Hang in there. It is a tough job. There are no easy answers, but there is healing.
Never, never ,never quit.
PS Just found this at Christine's place. It is so fitting to today I had to include it.
This article is found at House Calls Counseling. Very fitting.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Are you Overwhelmed?
There are times in parenting a child with RAD when it becomes "to much". We just become exhausted, weepy and don't know what to do next. We have had an extra tough week at our house with Teddy. I won't go into details because I think it would be disrespectful of him. But he was out of the home for a few days and is now back. I do not know that anything has changed.
About 3 or maybe 4 years ago, while in the toughest stage of attachment therapy I started trying different things to see what would help me get through these overwhelmed feelings. There ARE things that help.
Physically: Get an extra hour of sleep. I go to bed at least a half hour to an hour earlier when I am feeling overwhelmed and it makes a difference. I normally go to a 6 am Bible study on Fridays, but last night I told myself it was a morning to stay in bed, so didn't set the alarm. I love my ladies there to pieces, but I NEED sleep this week.
Work out: I have started the C25k.com treadmill program. I like it and have made it through the first two days. I normally go to Zumba a few days a week but have cut that back to one while I try to build for this and will add them back in as I get stronger. I can go to the Y so tense and come out refreshed and with a clearer mind.
Support: Get help. I have spent hours on the phone this week, on the computer googling, looking for services that would help Teddy. I'm not sure but I may have found a transition program that will be appropriate for him. He is 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19.
Talk: Find people you can talk too. If you don't have friends who understand, go to a therapist who does. If the first one doesn't get it, go to a different one. I had a bad experience yesterday at Teddy's dismissal session with the therapist there who not only didn't get what was going on, didn't get me and just seemed to not have a clue in general. "Let's just look at Teddy's good qualities and the wonderful person he is." she is said in her sugary enthusiastic voice. Of course, we need to do that, but there is some very serious stuff going on that needs to be addressed. It was not, and I was not heard. Fine. I fired her in my mind and moved on to other support.
Eating: Seek out healthy foods. Remind yourself that it is easy to get sick when stressed and your body needs good fuel. Do not feed your emotions with food. Food is not your friend. Merely the gas for our tanks. Would you put junk in your car?
Spiritually: How does your faith help you when things are tough? Music, Bible reading, talking with Christian friends, and prayer all help get me through.
Play: Have fun. Laughter truly is the best medicine. If you have time out do something you truly enjoy. My husband and I have started taking swing dance lessons on Tuesdays. We both have a great time. Take a class (craft, education, gym, dance) join a club (extension, cards, craft) go try something you always wanted to try!
Well, excuse me, it is 8:30 am and I am taking a nap. Then doing some work I do need to do. Then going to a matinee with a friend.
Have a healing day for yourself!
About 3 or maybe 4 years ago, while in the toughest stage of attachment therapy I started trying different things to see what would help me get through these overwhelmed feelings. There ARE things that help.
Physically: Get an extra hour of sleep. I go to bed at least a half hour to an hour earlier when I am feeling overwhelmed and it makes a difference. I normally go to a 6 am Bible study on Fridays, but last night I told myself it was a morning to stay in bed, so didn't set the alarm. I love my ladies there to pieces, but I NEED sleep this week.
Work out: I have started the C25k.com treadmill program. I like it and have made it through the first two days. I normally go to Zumba a few days a week but have cut that back to one while I try to build for this and will add them back in as I get stronger. I can go to the Y so tense and come out refreshed and with a clearer mind.
Support: Get help. I have spent hours on the phone this week, on the computer googling, looking for services that would help Teddy. I'm not sure but I may have found a transition program that will be appropriate for him. He is 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19.
Talk: Find people you can talk too. If you don't have friends who understand, go to a therapist who does. If the first one doesn't get it, go to a different one. I had a bad experience yesterday at Teddy's dismissal session with the therapist there who not only didn't get what was going on, didn't get me and just seemed to not have a clue in general. "Let's just look at Teddy's good qualities and the wonderful person he is." she is said in her sugary enthusiastic voice. Of course, we need to do that, but there is some very serious stuff going on that needs to be addressed. It was not, and I was not heard. Fine. I fired her in my mind and moved on to other support.
Eating: Seek out healthy foods. Remind yourself that it is easy to get sick when stressed and your body needs good fuel. Do not feed your emotions with food. Food is not your friend. Merely the gas for our tanks. Would you put junk in your car?
Spiritually: How does your faith help you when things are tough? Music, Bible reading, talking with Christian friends, and prayer all help get me through.
Play: Have fun. Laughter truly is the best medicine. If you have time out do something you truly enjoy. My husband and I have started taking swing dance lessons on Tuesdays. We both have a great time. Take a class (craft, education, gym, dance) join a club (extension, cards, craft) go try something you always wanted to try!
Well, excuse me, it is 8:30 am and I am taking a nap. Then doing some work I do need to do. Then going to a matinee with a friend.
Have a healing day for yourself!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Adoption Support Groups
Talk with your pastor and see if you can use your church. Many will give you a free room you can use monthly plus advertise for you on their website, bulletin and from the pulpit.
Advertise yourself. Make up a flyer on your computer and put them in grocery stores, Dr's offices, therapists offices. Let your Health and Human Services know you are doing it so they can tell parents. They cannot give you a list because of privacy. Let adoption agencies know. If you have an agency such as "Right Turn" give them the information. They are an agency in Nebraska that helps families find services. We also have the Nebraska and Foster Parent Association. They are good at getting the word out and even have a newsletter they put out.
Find one or two families to sit down with you and discuss topics for meetings, speakers, events you can attend, needs of the group and make a plan.
There are several websites that give information on how to start an adoption support group:
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=451
http://www.ehow.com/how_5763345_start-adoptee-support-group.html
http://adoption.about.com/od/adopting/a/supportgroup.htm
And also many that advertise adoption support groups by state that would be glad to list you!
Support is so important to getting through the tough stuff with our kids. If you cannot find it....Create it!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Learning Center for Child & Adolescent Trauma courses
I was just sent a link to The National Child Traumatic Stress Netork. On this link you will find the Learning Center that has a series of course called Complex Trauma Speaker series. There is a whole list of courses you can choose from that are free. First you must develop a log in name and password but that is free. Some of these lessons have passed but you can still listen to them on line and read the Power Point as they present. Some have not taken place yet and if you wish you can listen on line live when they do take place. Great stuff. Free.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Awkward Silence of God by Timothy Jones
Why Pray When You Seem to be Talking to Yourself?
In every prayer, there is a touch of insanity.
You don’t believe me? Think about it for a moment: You wouldn’t ask someone who regularly converses with an invisible friend to babysit your children. Yet if that invisible friend happens to be named God and if the conversations typically end with “Amen,” you would entrust your progeny to that person without a second thought.
The apparent craziness of prayer can be summarized in a single word: silence. Many times when we pray, there’s no immediate response. The deacon mumbles a few words over the offering plates, the child prays for a pony for Christmas, the young couple screams for God to heal their baby—and nothing tangible happens, at least not right away. The offering may be used for God’s glory; a pony may show up on Christmas; the infant may survive. Yet on the surface, these answers seem to result as much from parishioners, parents, and physicians—or in some cases, sheer dumb luck—as from prayer.
So often God seems silent.
Yet over the past few years, I’ve learned something about God’s silence: When He doesn’t seem to respond to our prayers, it may not be because He’s chosen not to speak; it may be that His answer is already on the way.
NO RESPONSE
The Jews of the first century were familiar with God’s silence. For 400 years after the prophecies of Malachi, God did not speak corporately to His people. During these years of silence, followers of the Torah gathered in synagogues weekly and entreated God with the same prayer: “Speedily cause the descendant of David Your servant to flourish.” Yet they received no response.
Among those waiting for the Messiah were a priest named Simeon and a prophetess named Anna. We find their stories in the opening chapters of Luke. This twosome spent decades hanging around the temple—the holiest place they knew—praying for a savior. And year after year, no savior came. I don’t pretend to know precisely how Simeon and Anna handled this apparent lack of response. Yet I can’t help but believe that—at least once or twice, perhaps in some rare moment when the crowds in the temple court subsided—they wondered whether God would ever answer.
Maybe you’ve wondered the same thing. I have. In a single year, my wife and I endured both the news that we could not have biological children and a series of failed adoptions. Three times the birth mothers changed their minds, once before the baby was born and twice afterward. During that year, I spent more hours than I care to recall screaming into the face of God—a face that seemed, at the time, as cold and silent as stone. By the end of the year, I was spiritually and emotionally exhausted. The bedroom we had so lovingly prepared for a baby remained empty. And I still had no answers.
GOD AT WORK
In times like these, we may be tempted to give up on prayer. But before we do, we should consider a truth buried in the genealogies of Jesus in the gospels of Matthew and Luke. (Yes, the genealogies—those seemingly interminable lists of names where your New Year’s resolutions to read through the Bible typically meet an untimely demise.) These genealogies cover not only the years of Israel’s military triumphs and covenant faithfulness—times when God’s answers to prayer were obvious—but also the centuries during which worshipers persevered in their petitions for a Messiah while wondering if God would ever respond. They remind us that, even in the midst of His apparent silence, God was working. Through “Achim who begat Eliud who begat Eleazar” and all the other begats, God was forming the household and the nation where the Messiah would, for a time, find His home.
Of course, the Messiah didn’t arrive in the way His people assumed He would. Who would have believed that a girl with one foot still in puberty could have the other foot in motherhood without placing either foot in a man’s bed? And although her baby was from the house of David, He certainly didn’t enjoy royal wealth. According to Lk. 2:24, Mary and Joseph sacrificed a pair of birds when they dedicated Jesus at the temple, presumably because they couldn’t afford a lamb (see Lev. 12:8). The baby wasn’t very well equipped to wipe out Israel’s enemies either; He was too small for armor, and He couldn’t wield a sword. Yet His arrival made it apparent—at least to those who were quiet enough to notice—that God had not been silent after all. The answer had just not reached them yet.
The same is often true in our lives. So how do we learn to wait for and recognize God’s response? Let’s take another look at Simeon and Anna.
IN THE WAITING ROOM
Thousands of worshipers came to the temple the day Joseph and Mary brought Jesus to be circumcised, yet only Simeon and Anna recognized the young Messiah. Why were they able to see past the implausible packaging and identify the presence of God in this baby? Perhaps it was because they had learned to embrace the apparent silence of God, not with anger or impatience, but with expectant stillness. They anticipated God’s future response while rejoicing in their present circumstances.
It had been revealed to Simeon “that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Christ” (Lk. 2:26). So he waited for…months? Years? Decades? Yet his stillness was not languid or lonely. Scripture tells us that Simeon was “waiting for the consolation of Israel” while enjoying the immediate presence of the Holy Spirit (Lk. 2:25).
Anna too, it seems, had long been waiting for the Messiah. She was “very old” and had been a widow for many years. She “never left the temple”—perhaps because she was anticipating God’s response to her pleas for redemption. Yet she also never stopped embracing God’s power in her current situation; she “worshiped night and day, fasting and praying” (Lk. 2:37).
Although God seemed unresponsive, Simeon and Anna continued to ask and watch for the Messiah. So when the long-awaited answer—the child who had been on His way since God first kissed this planet with His grace—reached the temple courts, it was the worn-out priest and the widowed prophetess who recognized Him as God’s response to their prayers.
The stillness Simeon and Anna modeled is, I believe, the birth canal of authentic prayer. For it is in the pangs of God’s apparent silence that we become aware of our deepest needs, and it is in the depths of our stillness that we find the space to recognize God’s answers when they arrive.
SEEING THE ANSWER
Eventually God’s answer arrived for us too. Four months after the third birth mother reneged, a new prospect emerged. A family in another state had adopted a girl from Romania and then abandoned her. Would we be interested in an older child? It took mounds of paperwork plus manic preparations, but six months later my wife and I stood before a judge, declaring ourselves to be the parents of a spunky little seven-year-old named Hannah.
On the drive home that evening, we watched the setting sun spin a fiery kaleidoscope across the western sky.
“God sure made a pretty sky tonight, didn’t He?” I said.
“Mm-hmm,” a sleepy voice from the backseat replied. Hannah curled up against her pink Kim Possible pillow, and there was a long silence. Suddenly, she sat up.
“Daddy, know what? God put red in the sky tonight—that’s Mommy’s favorite color. There’s blue for you. Over there is pink; that’s for me.”
“All our favorite colors are in the sky tonight, aren’t they?”
“Uh-huh. Know what else, Daddy? I think God’s happy because all the colors are finally together. How about you?” Several moments passed before a reply wedged its way past the lump in my throat.
“Yes, Hannah, I’m happy too,” I said. “I’m happy too.”
It was there—somewhere between the innocent observation of my daughter and the luminous wonder of an Oklahoma sunset—that I learned the significance of God’s silence. And the joy of God began to seep, ever so slowly, back into the parched recesses of my soul.
With this joy came a capacity I had never experienced before—the capacity for expectant stillness. I realized that Hannah hadn’t become my daughter on this day in the chambers of a county judge. No, Hannah had been my girl from the moment she was conceived in some unknown village on the other side of the world—I just didn’t know it yet. While I was, for months, screaming into what seemed like silence, God had already answered my prayers with this child.
That is, I believe now, how God often works in His children’s lives: As in the most magnificent sunsets, God whirls into our lives hues and shades that no interior decorator would dream of approving. Somehow, the colors we had planned don’t quite make it onto the Master Artist’s palette, and in the silence that seems to follow our cries for explanation and intervention, His combinations appear dubious at best.
But one day, in the stillness of our souls, we see it—a design as clear and colossal as the wildest and most wonderful of sunsets. In that moment, we realize that the circumstances we questioned and even cursed were part of an answer that God was forming long before we even knew the words to make our request. Knowing that God’s answer is on the way may not make praying into the silence seem any less crazy, but it does make it easier to wait for it with expectant stillness.
Timothy Jones
http://www.navpress.com/magazines/archives/article.aspx?id=21643
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
How do you need love?
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting a child with RAD is dealing with the sadness of not being loved back. We love them so fiercely. When we show love to our kids or husbands we have a love style. In his book 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, talks about our love language, or the way we need to receive love. He states there are 5: Words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time. There is even a little quiz on his website that you can take to help determine yours if you don't know it. Mine is quality time, there is no doubt.
One of the difficulties in family relationships is that we tend to show people we love them by using our own love language. So I may want to show my husband love by spending time with him. His love language is acts of service, so it does not make him feel loved in the same way as me when I spend an hour with him. Weirdly enough, I can clean the whole basement and he is beaming. If that is your love language...sorry.
One of the ways I figured out my kids love language was by asking them how someone would know they are loved. "Hug them" is a sign of needing the physical touch. It is Taz's love language.
Knowing our family helps us to be attuned to them, to meet their needs. So do a little experimenting with family members with whom you may be unsure and see what brings a smile to their eyes!
As far as RAD goes, it has helped in approaching those kids in ways that are most meaningful to them. Their love language is out of whack, but I can guarantee you, from day on Taz has loved a hug even when he would not hug back. On days when he wouldn't take a hug because of rage a high five or a pat on the hand, still calmed him.
All of us really want to be loved in a way that is meaningful and deep to our hearts.
Have a healing day.
By the way, my husband is going to swing dance lessons with me tonight. I'd better go scrub the bathroom floor! (Quality time/ Acts of service)
One of the difficulties in family relationships is that we tend to show people we love them by using our own love language. So I may want to show my husband love by spending time with him. His love language is acts of service, so it does not make him feel loved in the same way as me when I spend an hour with him. Weirdly enough, I can clean the whole basement and he is beaming. If that is your love language...sorry.
One of the ways I figured out my kids love language was by asking them how someone would know they are loved. "Hug them" is a sign of needing the physical touch. It is Taz's love language.
Knowing our family helps us to be attuned to them, to meet their needs. So do a little experimenting with family members with whom you may be unsure and see what brings a smile to their eyes!
As far as RAD goes, it has helped in approaching those kids in ways that are most meaningful to them. Their love language is out of whack, but I can guarantee you, from day on Taz has loved a hug even when he would not hug back. On days when he wouldn't take a hug because of rage a high five or a pat on the hand, still calmed him.
All of us really want to be loved in a way that is meaningful and deep to our hearts.
Have a healing day.
By the way, my husband is going to swing dance lessons with me tonight. I'd better go scrub the bathroom floor! (Quality time/ Acts of service)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year Fear or Hope?
For any newbies here let me kind of tell you where we have come from. Our boys were adopted from foster care at ages 6, 6 and 3. Yup. The two are twins. One of the 6 year olds and the 3 year old had RAD. The 3 year old became worse and worse until at age 7 he was kicking apart his furniture, pulling sheet rock off his walls, climbing up onto and breaking his closet shelves, screaming defiantly "You are not my mother. You will never be my mother. Can you get that through your thick head Brenda?" He would partially pop open the car doors while we were driving down the street. I started using the child safety locks and then it became a battle for him to try to turn them back off as the door shut. He would wipe his nose on the walls......well you know the story. You are living it. The 6 yo was very passive aggressive. He would say "OK". and then do the opposite. He refused to do school work. He does have a learning disability but refused to do even work modified for him. Suddenly when he grew taller than my husband he became dangerous. He has threatened to kill my husband. And threatened to "show his real anger" to me. He has swung a big stick at my husband in the yard and Teddy ended up hospitalized for a week in the mental health unit. He was in fights at school and was just a plain scary young man.
This went on for 9 years with Taz and for 12 with Teddy. Taz has come along way in his attachment. He still has a ways to go. Teddy has declared that love is too hard for him. His anger is part of who he is and he doesn't know who he would be without it. But he has attached probably as best he can or will at this point in his life. The boys are now 15 and 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19 so he will be a legal adult in June.
Back to the topic at hand! I remember so many years on January 1 thinking "I can not take another year of this. What am I going to do?" We got through it. Keep reading, keep going to a therapist who specializes in attachment and/or early childhood trauma if it is available to you, keep up with the playfulness,attunement, empathy, boundaries, appropriate loving touch.
Do not lose hope. I never thought we'd make it to this point. I was worried both boys would end up in residential treatment. If you have a child in residential treatment be assured you are seeking the best help possible for your child. I'm sure you tried every means. But suddenly with Taz, there was healing and he has grown from that point. Teddy is working with Vocational Rehabilitation on options for high school and with an army recruiter. I have gone from fear, to hope as they approach adulthood. Will they always make wise choices? No, but than neither do I. Will they have successful adult relationships? Only one way to find out. It will probably be a struggle for them.
So choose hope rather than fear to begin your New Year! Cheers to HOPE!
This went on for 9 years with Taz and for 12 with Teddy. Taz has come along way in his attachment. He still has a ways to go. Teddy has declared that love is too hard for him. His anger is part of who he is and he doesn't know who he would be without it. But he has attached probably as best he can or will at this point in his life. The boys are now 15 and 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19 so he will be a legal adult in June.
Back to the topic at hand! I remember so many years on January 1 thinking "I can not take another year of this. What am I going to do?" We got through it. Keep reading, keep going to a therapist who specializes in attachment and/or early childhood trauma if it is available to you, keep up with the playfulness,attunement, empathy, boundaries, appropriate loving touch.
Do not lose hope. I never thought we'd make it to this point. I was worried both boys would end up in residential treatment. If you have a child in residential treatment be assured you are seeking the best help possible for your child. I'm sure you tried every means. But suddenly with Taz, there was healing and he has grown from that point. Teddy is working with Vocational Rehabilitation on options for high school and with an army recruiter. I have gone from fear, to hope as they approach adulthood. Will they always make wise choices? No, but than neither do I. Will they have successful adult relationships? Only one way to find out. It will probably be a struggle for them.
So choose hope rather than fear to begin your New Year! Cheers to HOPE!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)